Life on the RUN...my miles and moments!

Part One of “the res” trip….

2011-11-10T10:12:00.000-05:00

One day we all climbed into what was supposed to be a jeep, but when you’ve added to the population at the rate in which I have, well…you need something more like a suburban jacked up on big wheels. So we climbed into the jeep-ish suburban and off we went through a part of the Navajo Indian Reservation that is in Canyon de Chelly (pronounced “de shay”). I honestly can’t adequately describe the experience of being at the bottom of a canyon, nor can I fully explain how your head feels when you’ve driven through the washed out sand roads for several hours. But one thing I know for sure, you can bank on never being the same….literally in every way.

I’m not sure if it was the intensity of the blue sky, the crystal clear air, the enormous rocks, the 2 previous concussions, or all of the above;

however, how do you fully describe this:

How do you say THIS high?

…Or THIS deep?

…Or THIS wide?

What we experienced there was incredible! The pictures can never do it justice because a lens can’t capture the enormous open sky. A camera can’t quite communicate the same sense of “awe” as being there in person. Matter of fact, it is SSOOOO BIG and SSOOOOOO HIGH that I had to back WAY up! I couldn’t get anywhere close to the edge! It’s probably the repercussions of having MY last name for the better part of 36 years, but holy cow fear of heights batman! If I said “boys… back up, be careful, stand still, quit climbing the rails, hold someone’s hand, Dad watch Ramiro….” once, I said it a million times! Ugh, it was painful. For everyone!

Anyways…..I have begun to put together some other pictures and things that were significant to me while in the desert…..hopefully I’ll get them all posted soon!

Bitter sweet transitions.

2011-10-25T14:03:00.001-04:00

I really am working on a post (or two, or three) of our trip last week to New Mexico and Arizona. It was incredible and I have amazing pictures to share. But being true to my metaphorical nature, I have something to say about so much of it and I need more time to get the right words connected to my thoughts.

Till then…I just got back from a 16 mile run and right now the trees here on the farm are incredible. It honestly makes 16 miles entertaining, if you can believe that. As I came upon this tree my mind started doing it’s thing, going a mile a minute- that would be my mind, not my legs, just for the record! As I stopped to take in the beauty of it all, I got thinking about seasons, and my left hip flexor actually. And all at the same time. I digress. Anyhow, I love this time of year; the change of colors, the anticipation, the fresh sounds, the switch from one thing to another, the transition. Fall will never get old to me and after living in parts of the country that don’t have this season, I do not take this for granted. It makes me thankful to be a runner!

What strikes me about this tree specifically is the perfect depiction of the past and the future all together as one. It’s in transition; partly summer, partly winter. It’s moving from one stage to another, some leaves more quickly than others. It has a foot still in yesterday and a hand in tomorrow.

So do I.

It wasn’t long ago my oldest son and I took our first breath together, he learned to ride a bike, and dreamed of playing football. We talked about Rescue Hero’s (remember those guys with biceps that were bigger than its head?), Elmo, and the fact that cowboy boots, shorts and a halter top were not a good choice for the fashion conscious (in December). Now we are walking together across a football field (he in full pads, me beside him) at his last middle school football game, researching airsoft guns, and spending hours and hours and hours at basketball practices. Elmocize has now been replaced with conversations about wise character choices, consequences of “guilty by association”, and um….g.i.r.l.s. (helpmeJesus!!).

There’s still an innocence of yesterday but the desire for freedom for tomorrow.

It’s a transition. A season of partly child, partly teen. And some parts are changing more quickly than others; therefore, as I stood staring at this tree, I thought “me too!”. The tree, and I, are still trying to hide and protect the young innocence close to our trunk, and yet keenly aware of the process of maturing happening around the edges.

It’s bitter sweet. Season’s always are. I still adore the Dakota of yesterday. I’m incredibly proud of the Dakota of today. I know I will be amazed at the Dakota of tomorrow.

Land of Popcorn

2011-10-12T14:57:00.000-04:00

Much of my grad school focus so far has been on trauma and grief therapy for children. It’s a bit daunting. I cry a lot; I feel overwhelmed with the statistics and wish this work onto someone else who doesn’t have the tender heart that I have. However, one aspect of working with children that is fascinating is how they see the world. Adults so often take for granted that our cognitive minds allow us to see things in a much different way than children (who are very concrete and have limited past history in which to put things in perspective). It is amazing how they fill in the blanks when their brain can’t figure something out just yet. This issue is incredibly significant when working with children because as they draw, re-enact, or recreate a story….we are often times dealing with their perceived reality (not that the “reality” is any better!). Even if their understanding is somewhat skewed from how it actually happened, it IS their experience and that is what becomes real to them….and sadly enough its traumatic either way!

Recently we had run out of popcorn and I had told the kids they would just have to wait until I went to the store the next time. Of course I NEVER promise a date on that deal…they don’t so much understand “I got busy”!

Madelyn says, “Well we can just go down and get some off the bushes.”

I’m sorry what my dear?

“Oh ya Mom the bushes are full of popcorn!”

I stood there for a minute…

scratching my head…

But then it clicked, and as the laughing turned to funny tears…

I got thinking, wouldn’t it be great to see the world as they do?

All along I was seeing a field of cotton, she was seeing a field of popcorn!

Oh child, give me your eye’s for just one minute…..I wonder how different it would all seem!

I like Maddie’s version better!

Start ‘em young!

2011-10-10T10:28:00.001-04:00

I had my windows open yesterday and overheard this conversation in my front yard:

“Madelyn, if you learn to be on special teams now, you can get a college scholarship and make money!”

Oh? I thought. I went to the window to peek out and this was the scene:

Ramiro was punting and teaching Madelyn how to catch and return the punts. It’s all about special teams ba-by!!

(She would be the one in the pink jammies on the left about to catch the football!)

There was something precious about that moment!

I love the seed Ramiro was planting in her, and gender was not a factor! And I love the fact that he’s forecasting a college scholarship and making money! Right on kiddo!!

If these roads could speak.

2011-10-06T11:58:00.000-04:00

What would they say? Oh, these roads. If only they could speak.

Would they tell you that I’m faithful? Would they tell you that some days are good, some days not so good?

Would they mention that they’ve seen it all? Day after day, stops and starts, beginnings and ends, ups and downs.

Would they tell you that though I’ve come soooo far, I still have far to go?

If these old roads could speak, I wonder….would they tell you that I’m stubborn and will not give up?

Would they mention that I often get it wrong? I do when I shouldn’t, and don’t when I should?

Would they tell you that the red face isn’t always heat, it’s often the process of letting go?

And yet if these roads could talk, would tell you that I run through Weeping Willows with my arms outstretched like a plane

because its fun to pretend your flying? Even when others are watching.

Would they mention that I laugh out loud, pray out loud, and sing out loud- just because I can?

Would they tell you that I’m just a kid who still wants to play and this feels like “fun”?

I know they would tell you that I see the weirdest things. That often the unexpected is just so funny!

I know they would mention for some reason I talk to the cows, like I do my dog. And they don’t respond the same!

I know these roads would tell you…

that I didn’t intend….

to start…

a neighborhood canine exercising service!

But I have. accidentally.

I’m afraid these roads could have a lot to say!

The broken places.

2011-10-05T13:34:00.001-04:00

I love that God speaks to me in the most unusual ways. I love how He uses my vision to minister to my heart.

I love that when I walked up to my Granny’s garage/driveway, I saw this:

….but I heard this: “Jill, I have called you to bloom in the cracks of life.”

I’ve got to be honest, my first reaction was “Well thankyouGod….seriously, can I just be in the flower beds with all the other pretty flowers?” It’s true. I’m not proud of my attitude, but I am thankful that He speaks to me through the simplest of things. Even if I don’t particularly like the message!

I’ve thought about this picture constantly since that day. I’ve thought about how difficult life can be. How pain can scar lives. How brokenness can feel so deep that hope drowns.

When I took this picture with my cell phone, I saved it as my wallpaper. That flower (blooming right there in that specific but most unlikely place) made so much sense to me!

It was a perfectly simple message of how I see God molding my purpose…to bring hope and healing THROUGH the cracked and broken places!

*Thank you God for the simple ways in which you speak!*

As for me and my house….

2011-10-04T12:30:00.001-04:00

rolling pins will not be considered kitchen utensils!

quarter mile repeats x16

2011-10-02T11:23:00.002-04:00

Commitment= running your scheduled 4 mile run on the quarter mile stretch of road in front of your house. That’s a lot of repeats, lets just say. You may call it insane; I call it commitment. It certainly wasn’t my ideal running route that’s for sure, but when your child care gets tricky, you do what you’ve got to do to get it done. And then you thank your training schedule for not assigning that day an 11 mile run!

While the neighbors wondered about my mental health as I ran back and forth, back and forth, back and forth; I got thinking about excuses versus obstacles. Over the years I have run through some crazy stuff….fevers/flu, rain and lightening storms, hurricanes, killer heat waves, pushing a baby (or two, or three) in joggers for 18 miles, etc. and while some of these things were probably not deemed “a good idea” by most everyone else, I got through them. barely. But the point is this: we can let something be an excuse or we can see it as an obstacle that only needs to be overcome. The choice is ours and the difference is a matter of our commitment, or lack there of. While I certainly don’t recommend running 10 miles with a 101 fever (I may or may not have done so this past week); there are times when we must change our plans and yet the difference is we “reschedule” not “cancel” the run.

I frequently have people ask me about how I manage all this. And the truth is, I probably don’t always manage it all very well. But I know one thing for sure…..I manage life better when I’m consistently running! I don’t always have to be training for a race, but I need to run. It is the place that God restores my confidence. It is the place where the mental fog lifts. And it is often the one and only thing I can count on to get me out of a funk! I know that for me the magic of running is found in my commitment to running.

As I finished the 4 miles yesterday and turned back to look at the road one more time, I felt better about some words that have stung….that maybe I have a “commitment-phobia”.

I smirked and thought….um no, I believe I’m good with my ability to commit to something, if that quarter mile block has anything to say about it.

If I have anything I have a “wrong one-phobia”. just sayin’.

*wink*

us.

2011-09-29T13:00:00.001-04:00

Parenting this crew is the most challenging assignment I’ve ever been given!

You see each face there? They couldn’t be more different from each other if I tried.

The age difference between Dakota and the others is significant and that makes for an interesting dynamic.

I have some here who are tough as nails and some who crumble more easily.

Some who WILL NOT break down, and some who I’m desperately trying to keep put together.

Some who are fairly mature for their age and some who enjoy acting 2 (notice no one here is 2!!).

Some who have enough confidence for all of us, others who needs much more.

Some who need a lot of snuggle time, one who has a strict “don’t touch me” policy.

One who thinks girls are hot, the others know nothing of that yet. thankyouJesus!

One who is extremely shy, some who need boundaries with strangers.

There is not a food group that all 4 like and therefore it’s a guarantee that at least someone will be disappointed come dinnertime.

And what’s reasonable for the one is inappropriate for the others.
It’s enough to keep my head spinning and in a constant state of confusion.

But when I look at these kids (and it’s a perfect depiction of some of the dynamics I’m referring to!! Kota and Ramiro have a very different idea of “real funny”), I see the sweet spirits and tender hearts that they each have. And at the end of the day, I just want to protect that!

My children, like so many others, have had to overcome some pretty big obstacles the past several years, and I know it’s taken its toll. They each feel the gapping hole in our family picture so differently, but nevertheless, deeply. However, I am so proud of them and honored to be chosen for this journey, even if I don’t know which end is up most days!

Morning Glory

2011-09-16T13:27:00.006-04:00

The glory of the Lord
~His goodness~
is the "living water"
in the midst of the drought.

Oh let me meet Him at the well,
where the source of His goodness overflows-
it quenches every thirst...
and is new every morning!

the same kind of different

2011-09-14T14:08:00.004-04:00

Ramiro & Andre.

Their gene pool and freckles

may be identical....

but that's where their similarities end!

~God knew what He was doing!~

*smile*

A few of my favorite things- from Costco.

2011-09-06T14:54:00.006-04:00

My uncle gave me his family card to Costco.

I really should give it back!

I can not get out of that store without some serious

damage to my bank account.

But let me show you what I've found there:

Dark Chocolate Acai berries.

I don't even know how you properly enunciate

"Acai"

with a thingy hanging from the "c".
But never mind HOW you say it....

the point is

one bite

and I was spiritually moved-

I rededicated my life right there in the parking lot of Costco!

thankyouBROOKSIDE

Another favorite:

with this on top:

I could -and do- eat this for b'fast, lunch, and dinner.
(I know, I've been working on "balance" in my life
for the better part of 35 years,
its an uphill battle!)

But the best part of all of this- no one in my house likes
Acai berries, black beans, or chunks
therefore
ITS ALL MINE BABY!!
*score!*

Oh, and last but NOT least....
this last one can not be found at Costco,
but I'd eat her too if I could!!

*DISCLAIMER: None of these company's have paid me for this incredibly informative
and spectacular review-
but if they'd like to,
I'd be happy to send my account info!*

Why I can't eat on game day.

2011-09-01T09:26:00.007-04:00

Just in case any of you thought I was over reacting....

Yes that one there....in purple,

the one 2 feet shorter than the other kid....he's mine!

He just so happens to be playing defense at the moment,

he just so happens to be awesomesauce,

and he just so happens to be making an interception

while getting his

head ripped off!

Shouldn't there be a penalty for that?

Way to catch the ball baby when someone's got your head jerked around sideways!!

Are we all clear now why my stomach is in knots on game day??

thanks.for.understanding.

PS-On a lighter note (or NOT, ha)

Maddie saw this picture and pointed out that pregnant people

should not be on the football field.

All I could say was "your right baby, they shouldn't!!"

*ahem*

Collision sport

2011-08-30T17:16:00.005-04:00

"Football isn't a contact sport; its a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."

~Vince Lombardi

This is one of the reasons why having 3 boys in football keeps my stomach in knots.

It's also one of the reasons why I can't sit in the stands like other parents;

the years of trauma surgery has ruined me!

Thankfully Andre's wrist was fine!

He made a big sac

(or is it a sack? or maybe its called a tackle?)

that cost him a twisted up wrist.

He recovered fairly quickly and all was well again.

Lord, watch over my boys....

protect them from those half grown kids that eat animals on steroids.

And Lord give me strength to stay calm

when MY BABY'S at the bottom of the pile!

And also, can I put in a request for new weight regulations

for middle school football?

The word collision causes me such anxiety!

Amen.

~PLAY BALL!~

When you want to give up

2011-08-28T16:10:00.012-04:00

Yesterday I went running right smack in the middle of the day. It was a risky move being that it was pushing 100 degrees outside and all, but I needed it because I was feeling the frustration levels getting too high. It was one of those "I need to run or else I'm gunna be issuing a bunch of apologies" kinda runs. Nothing had gone wrong per say, but life is busy and sometimes getting 4 children out the door (on time) for anything is such an ordeal. I had already exhausted my deep breathing, my 10 second time out, and my "relax on demand" skills by this point....I knew a good hard run would do the trick.

I did what any respectable and desperate mother would do, I bribed the kids and hightailed it for the door before anyone had the opportunity to negotiate a better deal for themselves! It was successful and I was sweating profusely within minutes!

The first 2 miles were perfect; I felt strong, fast, and focused. I loved every minute of it! Unfortunately, this euphoria came to a screeching halt and within minutes I wasn't feeling this run anymore. I was hot, thirsty, and becoming quickly agitated. I had come to the point where I would need to dig deep to finish. The problem was, right now I don't have a lot "in reserves".

I started pulling out my mantra's I've used over the years. Words that have gotten me through when the going got tough... "Jill, just one foot", "Your stronger than you think", "run like a mother", "girl, don't let that beat you", or here's one of my fav's-"run like you stole something"!

As I was rehearsing my lines, I got thinking about my boys. About the things I've said to them when they are about to play a tough game, and its so hot you can hardly stand to breathe!

(Dakota #16)

About the times when they have had all they can take, yet the coach has just assigned another 50 yard sprint drill at the end of the 2 hour practice. If they can keep going when they have nothing left, so can I. If they can go stand up to guys twice their size and stay strong, I can finish this run.

(Dakota taking down the biggest boy out there!)

Ramiro #12....QB

Andre #16....Center

A perfect combo!

(Ramiro taking one last look at his line!)

Right now my boys are fighting through some grueling hot workouts and the games are even more demanding! My boys have been hit hard, run over, tackled, and yelled at....and yet not a one of them has quit! Now it was my turn, I must prove what I'm made of when I'd rather give up! When I'm exhausted and at the end of my rope, I'm reminded of these pictures...of my 3 boys digging deep and staying strong! And so that's what I did, in honor of my boys, I cranked out a few more miles and finished strong! I am so blessed!

My Anchor

2011-08-21T20:15:00.003-04:00

Today I needed the reminder of the post I wrote a while ago.
It's the one about a weed. Remember it? The thistle?

It's the one that reminds me that though I don't particularly feel strong, I am stronger than I think! It's the one that early this morning, while "running away"- reminded me of my root system and I found the courage to begin "running back".

The wind may blow, the heat may burn; but I trust my Anchor!
You can read it HERE.

p.s.- don't worry, I did finish that run back home! haha

ticks and "tonsils"

2011-08-18T09:54:00.013-04:00

We've had a few long nights recently, a tick rocked our world.

He brought Madelyn Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever,

which our doctor has seen 2 other times in the past 25 years.
Of course it found us the weekend before school started,

and the night I had a huge research paper due.

Impeccable timing.

Three nights later we had another long night at the hospital,

and in an attempt to protect the rights of a certain 7 year old
I'll not fully disclose his diagnosis

but we can play charades....sounds like:

"tonsil" torsion.

(torsion is the medical term for twisted)

Need another clue?

It's a male specific diagnosis.

need I say more?

Pre-morphine.

Post-morphine.

This school year, due to the sudden medical issues,
we implemented a "staggered enrollment" of our own!
Eventually I did get everyone to school,
all at the same time.
It felt like an act of congress, but it finally happened!!

However, we are continuing to still have issues with attitudes,
therefore we had to implement "staggered first day pictures" as well.
I'm learning to go with the flow.
sorta.

Thankfully, the blisters are healing, fevers are gone
and swollen and twisted "tonsils" are getting better.

And if your wondering about me-
Oh don't worry, I'm fine!
I'm celebrating and running like a crazy girl....
like a mother who's had baby's home for the past 8 years!

I think I'm gunna adjust JUST FINE!

(Brody is wondering about my new workout program...use bicep to set timer, run into place, squat til light flashes, jump at beep,repeat 90 times until you get the shot you like!

It's called "P90DORK" and I'm comfortable with it.

But,he couldn't bare to watch anymore! silly dog)

heart-full

2011-07-27T11:51:00.003-04:00

I love watching my children care for each other.

I love the way Andre says,

"Maddie, its your birthday and therefore

you shouldn't have to carry anything today....let me get that for you!"

I love how Dakota tells Maddie how beautiful she is.

I love how the boys (usually) help each other and look out

for one another.

I love how Maddie has 3 brothers who've eached promised her

that she has nothing to worry about at pre-k, cause they will

be there for her if she were to need anything!

They may be a hand-full, but they're also a heart-full!

Reset Run

2011-07-19T08:46:00.003-04:00

Last week after kissing each face, hugging each neck, and trying to keep my game face on; they all pulled away. The game face quickly faded and sadness filled my heart like a rushing wave. Thankfully I had several things to do that day and it kept my mind occupied.

But just like trying to distract your child from the shot that's about to hit their skin, eventually the moment comes and the inevitable is felt. When that moment came and the sting hit my heart like a vaccination, I headed out for my reset run. The run in which I transition myself from "Mom on duty" to "Mom off duty". I am always a Mom, but not always in charge.

This time I headed up a route I haven't ran in months....in 4 months to be exact! Not since Sunday, March 6 when I broke my leg while on a 15 mile run. That 15 quickly turned into 10 and couched me for 6 weeks! But I felt ready to run it again and I was looking forward to putting that day 4 months ago, behind me!

This time I ran it with purpose and intention! It was liberating actually! And as I ran up the mountain I was reminded about how wonderful it is to see things come full circle! Breaks will heal. Tears will dry. Kids who have left, will come home. Everything has a season.

At the end of this week, I will run another reset run. This time I must transition my slower pace, my egocentric plans, back to "Mom on duty". And I've got to prepare my heart for 4 children who still struggle to manage the emotions of the switch; going from Dad to Mom. Still trying to process why we can't live in one house, or one state for that matter. It's gut-wrenching to see them at such young ages trying to comprehend adult issues.

But for now, in my the last few days of freedom, I'm enjoying this season and the slower pace. I miss my kids so badly, but I know how things come full circle and I will soon be begging for some peace and quiet! So I'm gunna enjoy it now, while I've got it!

All together

2011-07-12T09:17:00.004-04:00

My nest.

My babies,

all represented here in one place.

Look close.

They're ALL there.

Even Baby Jaydan.

It's how my heart sees it as well-

ALL together,

safely nestled,

woven into one.

These are the one's I love the most;

for they've taught me what

love really is.

Madelyn looked at the wall yesterday.

Her comment was perfect,

"I like it when we are all together with Baby Jaydan like that".

I do too baby! I do too!

Watching the fruit

2011-07-10T12:08:00.005-04:00

Most days, early in the morning

I can be found in the chair on my front porch

drinking coffee and watching these:

No, they don't change much from day to day

but the lessons in "fruit" will not be lost on me.

Morning after morning I am reminded, as

the Lord gently presses His finger upon my heart,

"though it takes time, watch the fruit".

Fruit won't mislead.
To the degree that there is good fruit, there is health.

We must trust the fruit and we must become students.
We must train our eyes, our hearts, our minds-
to discern the complexities of the tree, the vines, and the fruit.

And the most difficult part of it all-
the evaluation of our own fruit.
Lord, give me the humility to see it as it really is
and the strength to cut off what spoils.

This morning as I sat once again
gazing at the fruit tree,
He gently reminded me
"Jillbaby, boundaries offer protection-
but it won't look great
to those who don't understand."

I layed my head back, took a deep breath, and could taste
the sweetness of pear preserve
in my near future!

A day in the life.....

2011-06-11T15:05:00.003-04:00

Thursday:
5:30am- woke up realizing that getting a run in, showered and dressed for work by 6:45 wasn't an option; I checked with me, myself and I and we unanimously decided to roll over.

6:00am- got up, showered, tried 4 combo's of an outfit, ditched all of those and started over.

6:45am- get Kota, Ramiro, Andre and Maddie all up, dressed the younger ones, and got breakfast for everyone. Miro am meds.

7:30am- attempt at doing something with my hair and face. Miro has basketball camp 40 minutes away- must get going and get over my bad hair day.

7:45am- drive over to Dad's to get lunches, find out he was planning on taking Ramiro to basketball camp for me (ugh, I could have run after all!!). Send Ramiro/Dakota with Dad.

8:00am- drive Andre to summer day camp. go back home with Maddie.

8:30am- clean kitchen, transfer laundry, read Maddie 2 books, check emails- fb- school assignments, worry about school work, make coffee/fruit for myself. Pay cellphone bill.

10:30am- take Maddie to Dad's- who has just gotten home w/ Kota-and taken Ramiro to summer day camp on his way back. Maddie/Kota hang with their Papa while I'm doing my internship. Give Dad Ramiro's noon meds which he has to drive back over to the camp to give him at 12:00.

10:45am- look in the back seat of suburban and realize Andre's lunch is sitting back there. Turn around and drive back over to day camp to give Andre his lunch. This would be the 3rd trip of 4 to summer camp-all before noon.

11:30am-2:30pm- group cognitive behavior therapy class for those who've been arrested for alcohol/drug abuse. sad situations these people are in. good learning experience.

2:30-5:00pm- help therapists/office staff with clients charts/personality tests.

5:15pm- go with staff to grab a quick sandwhich (only main meal of the day) before LifeSkills of Alabama orientation starts.

6:30pm-8:30pm- orientation. LifeSkills is going to be great. another commitment, well worth the sacrifice.

8:40pm- start driving home, Kota's burning up my phone wanting to know when I will be there. he misses me I think!

9:15pm- get to parents and Mom is sick in bed with flu (Dad has had Kota/Maddie all day, picked up the 2 boys at camp in afternoon, fed them all, taken Kota to football practice, taken the little kids back to my house for showers, and are now back at their house watching NBA finals). rush home with kids.

9:30pm- get Miro pm meds, all little kids in bed. Kota wants me to watch the 2nd half of NBA finals with him. crazy exhausted, can't see straight but I hang with him anyways.

11:00pm- get up, wash face, brush teeth, worry about school work (I've done none).
collapse into bed.

The conversation between two right brains.

2011-06-09T07:38:00.006-04:00

I had a flashback the other day, a moment in which I remembered a conversation from many, many years ago. The memory was this: I was a young kid and happen to be mulling over the finer things in life, so I thought I'd ask my uncle something that had me stumped....

"Hey Uncle Ken, what's the very last number?" He informed me that there was no such thing. "Um no, you don't understand, what's the very end of the number line?"

He began to explain something about infinity. I wasn't sold. Furthermore, I function off one side of my brain ....and infinity isn't part of a right brain!!

I only understand beginning/end. Black/white. yes/no. good/bad. Infinity doesn't compute!!

So I asked again, confident that the issue here was his ability to understand my question (I mean seriously?), "No, I mean like 1,000...2,000....3,000....what's after all that?"

I'm sure at this point he was getting the picture....this girl has NO left brain, and therefore this mathematical conversation could take awhile. Like maybe a lifetime!

Fast forward to this past Monday:
While riding in the car, Ramiro heard a song on the ipod by Toby Mac that says "Be still and know that I am God." So he asks, "what does being still have anything to do with God?" So I break out my theological explanation of Psalms 46:10. I was sure he'd find it interesting that "know" in the Hebrew was in fact the word "yada" which translates to mean something that we can not fully understand, but we can intimately and deeply know. So he pondered that for awhile; giving me the idea that frequent Greek/Hebrew lessons would be a blessing for all of us... he's never been so quiet! And quiet time is much needed around this joint!!

A few minutes later he says, "Listen Mom, all I really need to know is this- who's belly did God come out of?"

Wha? How that had anything to do with the previous conversation, I'll never know. I was anticipating a question concerning "yada"....you know, something more concrete in nature. Nevertheless, I made an attempt to explain that he was never born, per se, but that he has always been. It sorta felt like trying to explain infinity, when you don't fully get it yourself.

"Mom, I don't mean that- I mean who's God's mom, you know the girl that had him in the hospital."
(aka: "Uncle Ken- I just want to know the very last number that has ever been invented....")

Some 10 minutes later, while trying to climb my way out of the "omnipresent, the God who is everywhere, has always been, the beginning and end...." blah blah blah... hole that I had dug myself into; I finally said, "Ramiro, I don't know, ask your Papa....he probably knows better than me."

(My apologies Dad! I'm sure the past 35 years has YOU more appropriately qualified for these conversations!)

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "ok that's a good idea." And that was that.
*mental note: try this first next time!*

I have never been so tired after a 15 minute conversation in my life!

And what was I thinking by trying out an omnipresent discussion to a 7 year old? Like I said, right brain only here. Logic is lacking, severely.

Somehow I fear that the difficult discussion was magnified because we had 2 right brains trying to discuss left brain material!! Dakota's response to the discussion affirmed my concern...."Mom, I'm not sure who makes LESS sense-you or Ramiro!"

Alrighty then. A lifetime might not be long enough!

Dear Srarh,

2011-06-08T12:58:00.005-04:00

When I found this, I laughed till I was sick!

There are many things about this letter I found in Ramiro's writing book

that have me tickled- perhaps a bit concerned as well.

It reads:

"Dear Srarh, I like you beter then Shauna.

You said thet I am your BFF.

I like you. I like you a lot.

I like you Srarh.

love Ramiro"

And I'm guessing these two stick figures at the bottom of the page

would maybe be Ramiro and Sarah!

Honestly, I'm not sure if I want to cry over this cute note,

vow to work on spelling this summer,

or discuss the appropriateness (or lack there of)

of telling a girl that you like her better than another girl;

ahem, relationships 101 already?

My first thought was, poor Shauna (whoever that is?).

I do however know who Sarah Grace is....

and you've never seen anything more precious!!

But for now, I'm going to relax, adore this sweet note

and be thankful for the miracle of my son Ramiro!

(and be thankful Shauna never saw this!! haha)

The thistle in every woman.

2011-05-27T08:55:00.016-04:00

I want to tell you the story of a thistle. Do you know it? I know it probably doesn't sound like a grand story, it is a weed after all. But I love a story that whispers softly, the one that requires me to be still in order to hear. What you might know about this weed-it's not easy to take down!! If it's cut, even at the root, it grows back. And there starts the story of the thistle.

The thistle can be found anywhere, and everywhere. It grows in any condition and isn't picky. You will find it thriving in a bed of rocks with hardly any water. You will find it on the side of the road or a highway, exposed to high levels of wind and intense heat. It will even grow through a crack in a slab of concrete. And yet you will also find it in a shaded creek with plenty of water and vegetation. It is persistent and knows no limits.

Wherever it is, you won't miss it- it will be taller than the plants around it. It will rise to any occasion with it's long stems and it will bloom over all the others. It is driven. It is focused.

The thistle may not look like much at first. But surely you know about first impressions- they're often wrong. It's true with this one too.

It's easy to get focused on the sharp leaves. To be turned off by the stems that protect with prickers. The thistle must self preserve and therefore it's serious about it's boundaries. Survival mode does that to many of us.

Once the bud develops, finding it's own voice- it puts on a grand show! It blooms into the most beautiful and magnificent flower you ever seen.

And it didn't even know. It still thought it was a weed! But then one day, it was told- You Are Beautiful. And it changed everything.

The thistle- an amazing lesson on strength. Despite the circumstances. Despite the environment around it. Despite the wind, the flood, the drought, the scorching heat. It adjusts, for it is confident and it knows a few things about being resilient. The thistle knows where it's strength comes from.

As I ran this morning- thinking about the wind in my life right now, about the drought in some of my friends' lives, and the heat that's burning the hearts of many that I love; I was reminded of how the thistle survives. The secret to the thistle is this: it has an incredibly well developed, deep, and strong root system!

The secret is buried deep, not for hiding but for holding on!

The thistle's success is in it's foundation. Come hell or high water, it's strength isn't found in it's beauty, its boundaries, or its height. It's found in it's Anchor!

To: Carrie, Cathy, Melissa, and the woman at the red light in the suburban next to mine (who was sobbing buckets of tears)....this is for you! You Are Beautiful and stronger than you think!

Andre Daniel

2011-05-20T13:42:00.010-04:00

Andre Daniel,

I remember the moment I found out about you.

The moment exactly when I saw 2 lines, not one.

(I'll explain that all to you at another time, it's sorta complicated!)
I was in complete shock.
You see, Ramiro was just 3 1/2 months old,
and life was fairly unpredictable at that time.

I feared for you.
We had already lost Baby Jaydan, almost lost Ramiro
and now I was on this journey again.

A few months later, I began to have deja vu all over.
I will not forget the look on the dr's face,
he had been through our last 2 pregnancy's with us-
and I knew this face.
I had seen it twice before.
Your ultrasound showed a cyst on your brain,
and though there was a chance it could heal on its own
there was also indications that this could be the beginning of
something much worse.

Thankfully kiddo, it healed and all was fine!
Matter of fact, all was perfect! Praise God!!

When you took your first breath and they handed you to me
it was one of the most precious moments in my life.
You were crying and whimpering
and with one sound of my voice,
you instantly began to settle and calm down.
You have been my only child that relaxed like that
to the sound of my voice, or the beating of my heart.

That first night with you was unbelievable!
You were, and continue to be, the snuggliest
child there ever was!

I have never met a kid that has the compassion and tenderness
towards other people like you do!
You are so young, yet so aware of how other people are feeling.
Baby, that is a gift-
don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise!

I see something in you that amazes me, and its your selflessness!
You are a lover, a giver, a nurturer, and protector!
You are going to be a great man, father and husband one day!
And oddly enough, in those first days with you-
I knew there was something incredibly precious about this
man child I had been given!

I love you, prince charming,
more than anyone else on this planet ever will!
I am proud of you
and incredibly blessed to call YOU my son!!

Happy Kindergarten Graduation!!
But I have one question:
how did you get so stinkin' handsome?

Treasures from the backpacks

2011-05-18T14:04:00.005-04:00

I very often find cute notes in my kids backpacks....

I snoop regularly just to check for them!

I found these in Andre's backpack the other day.

He wrote them at school.

And the fact that he would be thinking of me while at school

makes me mushy and junk.

That first one reads:

"I love my Mom so so so so much.

I will be good evree day Mom."

And no, he doesn't stutter, he just REALLY loves his Momma!

This is the same kid that told the waiter last night that "what

works the best at our house is spankings!"

I see great potential in this child!!

And then I found this one.

It reads:

"....my Mom is big."

Um, thank you for that, Andre.

******************

This other picture I just couldn't resist sharing.

Just in case I would ever forget how much this child loves sports.

This is the Bulldogs first baseman

(AKA- my son, Ramiro)

This is him at 3pm (when he gets home from school)

counting down the minutes until it's time to leave for his game...

at like 6 or 7 pm!

(and you thought I was lying about the Christmas tree's?)

2 outta 4 aint bad!

2011-05-14T20:04:00.006-04:00

Easter sunday morning, 2011

Here are 2 of my 4 favorite people (minus Dora!)
They are so stinkin' cute and I pray I don't mess them up!!

The other two are already messed up and I know this because
they wouldn't cooperate with the photo op
even after I had bribed them with candy!
They didn't care cause they knew "some bunny" had
left candy at Papa's house.
yep, messed up alright!

Happy Hour

2011-05-11T13:21:00.005-04:00

I reach the point every summer

when the heat of the day is just too much

and I'm forced to face the early morning hours.

And though getting up at sunrise feels like

trying to break a bad habit-

as I step outside and see the first few moments

of the day, here on the farm....

I know for certain that Happy Hour starts at 5:30 A.M.

There is no other way I'd rather spend it

than to be drenched in sweat, running-
with this as my backdrop:

"The world around you seems to spin faster and faster,

till everything is a blur.

Yet there is a cushion of calm at the center of your life,

where you live in union with Me.

Return to this soothing Center as often as you can,

for this is where you are energized:

filled with My Love, Joy, and Peace.

The world is a needy place;

do not go there for sustenance.

Instead, come to Me."

-Jesus Calling (March 9)

Highlighter yellow is NOT my color!

2011-04-20T12:37:00.004-04:00

Got some good news....wanna hear?

I ran 3 miles 2 days ago, and this morning ran 4....

and I feel great!

Who's your mamma??

It must be the overdose of Vit D and calcium that's done the trick!!
good bye broken ankle. be gone from me.

And thank goodness b/c guess who's gained 10 lbs!?!?!
never mind. don't guess.

change of subject:
several people have asked about my hair.
Which is odd....
I mean who really cares about my hair.
However many people who've known me since I was a kid
do not recognize the straight hair.
If you looked up "very white girl with very big fro' " in the dictionary-
um yes, that's where you'd find me!!

As a young girl,

I cried lots of tears over my hair.
ask my parents. they'll tell you.
kids are cruel and I hated my hair!

And maybe my parents where right.
they were just jealous.
Cause guess what people ask me now?
"where are those beautiful curls?"

That's right baby....no more "poodle head" comments!!

Though I've invested a small fortune
in hair products over the years....
the curls are still there!
see?

I still wanna kick that "poodle head" kids rear!

Real Tough

2011-04-19T22:21:00.003-04:00

This is my 2nd son, Ramiro.

His initials are RT.

Some call him "Miro"

others call him R-oll T-ide.

I call him R-eal T-ough.

He plays 1st base

and tonight was his first game ever-

he amazes me

and leaves me speechless,

not to mention, voiceless!

A dot T dot

2011-04-18T21:59:00.004-04:00

Love me some Andre!!

I have some of the coolest kids...

and this 3rd boy of mine is no exception!

Tonight he had his first baseball game (he plays sh0rtstop)

and have mercy can he hit a ball!!

Every now and again Andre will speak of himself in 3rd person-

and the other night he said

"A dot T dot is looking good tonight"

It cracked me up!

Way to go #42- A.T.!!

Two years ago, today.

2011-04-08T11:05:00.012-04:00

Brokenness.

Regardless of what's broken, a heart or a bone-the treatment is still the same. Brokenness needs time to heal, and often a cast of protection around the wound to insure healing without interference.

This day, 2 years ago, I stood on the edge of the Florida coastline- in complete shock and disbelief. I was scared beyond words. Exhausted. Confused. Devastated. Broken.

Hours previously my divorce was finalized; the judge signed his name, stamped my papers and said "next" to signal in the next lawyer/client. I remember standing there thinking,

"That's it? I shaved my legs for this?"

Honestly, as I went to the beach that afternoon, I thought I would feel a sense of relief. But instead, I was sick and numb. So I did what I do- I ran.

And so this morning, 2 years later, I finally feel that sense of relief and thankfully I am no longer sick and numb! But I still did what I do- I ran (although today it was a walk/jog- speaking of broken! blah). As I did I was reminded of what is required to go from brokenness to wholeness. And though its been two years since my divorce, I'm here to tell you....this takes more time than you think! Relief didn't come that first day, or the next month, or a year later. That kind of brokenness will not fully heal by running to the next thing, it has to be repaired- and that requires time, protection, and some hard work!

And just as my ankle this morning reminded me that its still not 100%, my heart does the same from time to time. Every now and again, I still sense the damage of my failed marriage. I'm still re-wiring the lies I believed and learning to redefine my life! And this- girlfriends, IS worth shaving your legs for!!

Dear friends, for those of you who have a story similar to mine....hang on! You will make it through! But if I could say one thing that I promise to be true: you will sell yourself short if you jump the gun and not allow plenty of time to recover and heal! Do not allow yourself to believe the lie that what you need to do is "move on"! Nothing could be farther from the truth....we (hearts) need to heal up NOT move on!!

You will not regret the time spent re-wiring your hard drive....but you will deeply regret what happens when you don't!!

For those of you who are new to this blog....here's my day 2 years ago when I danced on the coastline! It wasn't written/posted until May because I needed time to process the emotions.

I'm currently reading a book-"The Emotionally Destructive Relationship" by Leslie Vernick and there is a quote at the end of the book that I love. It reads:

The legacy I'd like to leave behind

Is that I've helped one life at a time

Beginning with mine.

-Donna Upson

Randomness

2011-03-31T11:12:00.009-04:00

A few things:

1. yes, I recognized the many misspelled words on my last post! I forgot to do spell check. My spelling skills go along with my number skills. Dyslexia to blame, I'm sure of it! Misspelling has now been corrected! I really need the endorphins from running, the lack of them is making my brain more challenged than normal. no comments necessary. just let it be. thankyouverymuch.

2. I'm allergic to free weights!! Specifically when doing upper body work! This became painfully apparent when I started P90X a year ago! Within 5-10 minutes of muscle fatigue (when your shaking like crazy)....and with P90X that's immediately!, I begin to get sick at my stomach! And if I don't lay down I start to feel dizzy! yep...I'm allergic! Diagnosis: Lactic acid allergy!! Darn, I guess I'll need to give up working out with weights - like I've had to give up peanuts!! Stinks getting old.

3. Skyped with my sister/bro-in-law yesterday! fun stuff! They are doing well and holy cow small studio apartment batman! Actually in New Zealand its called a "flat". whichever. It's still small! And let me just say, Mark's the MAN!! The kitchen is um....well, for instance, the kitchen sink resembles a bathroom sink on a plane! I don't lie. Nevertheless, Mark is cranking out some awesomesauce meals and that's a miraculous event being that its with a toaster oven and 2 stove eye things on top! Ya, that's what I call magic!! Carrie's doing great as well, as great as getting a few hours of sleep a night and studying all day gets!! She's a tough chic for sure! It runs in the family. just saying.

4. This weekend is gunna be incredible. I just know it. I have some secrets. And I'd love to share them already. But then I'd have to kill you. And that would ruin my career in the "mental health" field. I'm really trying to be the mental health care PROVIDER, not the mental health care PATIENT! So, I'll just keep my secrets to myself for now....but I'll be free to share soon!! All I'll say is that I have one child (well technically 2) who's gunna be stoked!!

5. My foot/ankle is getting better by the day!! Which unfortunately I now have no excuse for the 6 piles of laundry that are in waiting! I have been on my Dad's elliptical now 3 times, and things are looking up! I will hold out till next week to start, ah hem....walking....but it's one step closer to running! So, I'm beginning to feel hopeful this will all be behind me soon!!

6. My Christmas trees are still up. I've made peace with it.

7. I think I've become a procrastinator. Who'd have thunk it? me? procrastinate till the last minute and then be stressed out of my mind with a deadline, and then promise myself that I'll not do this again...and yet I do?? I want something to blame, I can't find anything.

8. Andre told a girl yesterday that if she didn't stop bossing him around, he would pull her pants down!! Wha?? *sigh* The school frowns on these kinds of things. Unfortunately, this does happen at my house every now and again....boys are boys, and they find great joy in walking by their brother that's on their nerves and dropping his drawers 4 inches!! I'm just thankful he didn't actually do it!! Thank You LORD!! I think Andre and I have come to an understanding now that only Mommies and Daddy's are allowed to pull pants down.

I wanna be a referee! (cute pic alert!)

2011-03-30T10:05:00.001-04:00

"God, can't you call me to be an accountant?"

As I stood starring at myself in the mirror, its all I wanted at that moment- to love numbers! I repeated it several times before I gave it up. Yes, I'm dyslexic for a reason. I wasn't called to work with numbers, figures or flow charts. Darn.

For some odd reason I have lately been overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the enormous amounts of pain in the world. The increasing number of lives that are wrecked by loss, depression, ptsd, addiction, abuse, tragedy, mental illness, etc.

This is a normal part of being a psych student I suppose. When you become engulfed in the darker side of humanity, your perspective shifts. Your frame of reference is different. And it's hard to know about such things, every day.

I think this all started because I have been trying to work through ideas for my internship. Should I go into a private practice environment? Sitting an a couch all day, helping those plagued with depression, death, spousal/child abuse, or suicide? Or should I consider the opportunity at St. Jude's Hospital with children who are fighting to beat the cancer that's invaded their bodies. Counseling the children, parents and siblings through this gutt-wrenching experience. Or would it be better to consider something "less traumatic" such as a rehab facility; a place where lives have been stripped and destroyed by addiction- a means in which to hide behind unbearable pain and heartache. Not so "less traumatic" after all.

Are you getting the picture? I mean what do you pick....horrible or awful?

The truth is that I do see and believe that there is incredible hope and healing for all the brokenness! If not, I wouldn't be able to manage the sadness. Even for the child who is dying, I believe that there is a wonderfully fulfilling ministry in grief/trauma counseling- allowing children the opportunity to process their emotions and communicate their fears as a means in which to make sense of their circumstances. The family is desperate for the same! Walking a child and family through a healthy grief process has its rewards, though it is incredibly difficult.

I know there is healing; if not physically, most definitely emotionally. But this is not something you do because it's fun or will buy you a fancy car- you do this work because your called to do it. Therefore, there is nothing else you could do with the same level of compassion and passion!

But recently I've become keenly aware that in order to walk these roads with those who are living in the worst days of their lives, a part of me is lost in their pain as well. A part of our innocence is gone when we dive deep into the darker side of humanity. We no longer have the privilege of being naive about the world around us!

I can remember working in trauma surgery- having just spent hours in the O.R. trying to save "Jane Doe" (unsuccessfully), going with the surgeon to speak with the family, and witnessing their shock and disbelief. In those moments everything seemed to come to a screeching halt. It's as if all of life had just stopped. Often times I would later find my way outside for some fresh air and it always struck me to see people laughing on cell phones and giggling over a new born baby. It was a weird dynamic for sure! But as I would leave work and enter back into "normal living"....I wouldn't be able to forget about that family in the waiting room. It was a struggle to just play with Dakota at the playground, I carried with me the burden of those who were just getting the news that every one of us fears. Of course, this is a big "no-no" because it causes what is called "professional burnout"!

As I was wasting time the other day, I came across this picture that got me thinking... maybe I want to be a ref instead!! I mean how sweet is this??

(whatsup with these lines? dunno? I've deleted them 20+ times....something crazy has invaded blogspot.com!)

Behind the lens of a runner.

2011-03-25T13:09:00.009-04:00

When I run-

I am almost always aware of the beauty around me.

The Lord uses the scenery to whisper

into my heart.

Here are a few of the moments while out running

that I just didn't want to forget:

This one is my favorite....I live on farm lands and cows are everywhere.

I run here several times a week and I'm in awe every time!

This one was in Michigan,

and though the reason why I was in MI- I want to forget,

the beauty of this stream that was iced over was still incredible!

This one was from a stream coming down off the mountain around the corner from my house.

We had a huge storm several days previously that left us flooded

and rarely have I ever seen water in this stream until this day.

The sound of it was incredible!

These rolls of hay were from the field across the street from my house.

Call me weird, but there is something about hay that is just beautiful!

This one is an old graveyard down the road from my house.

I have looked at every grave and wondered about their stories.

There are more children buried there than I can hardly deal with.

But, I've always enjoyed 'graveyard running' cause if your

looking for quiet, your sure to find it there!!

Also down the road from my house,

who would have thought to put a porcelain tub here?
Because I live on very old farm lands, makes me wonder

if it was used as a laundry basin by the stream way back in the day.

Where I live.

Enough said.

Simply beautiful.

This was a trail I ran on before breaking my ankle/foot.

It was breathtaking, in every sense of the word.

Same trail, at the top of the mountain.

I belong here.

Home.

Another farm in the cove where I live.

It keeps me coming back for more!

Still another stream close by my house.

I'm getting anxious to get back outside and run-
the beauty of where I live can't be fully enjoyed while inside!!
And though I've come to understand recently that not everyone
loves the great outdoors, aka life on a farm-
I run/live here because this place brings healing to my soul!

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!

2011-03-22T19:10:00.003-04:00

Did I mention I broke my foot?
I know, I already mentioned it.
I was just checking again.
Cause I'm frustrated!
Big time.
I'm OVER this no running stuff, already.
It is getting better, but geesh I feel like it is taking forever!

I was able to walk around my house yesterday and today with no cast.
It's progress, I know.
However its aching tonight, and it hurts.
Nevertheless-I want to be running.
I want to be moving,
arms and legs and lungs all in rhythm.
Together as one.

My brain is getting foggy.
I can't think without the drugs apparently.
The endorphins are directly connected to my intelligence.
I'm sure of it,
cause I'm doing some STUPID stuff lately!

I feel bad to even be frustrated,
I mean for pete sake's....
japan.
enough said.
I'm pathetic I guess
cause I'm noticing that things are changing.
And don't get me started on the new number that appears on my bathroom scale.

The thought that when I do start to run,
we're talking like 1, then 2....maybe 3 miles-
ugh, depressing.
For someone who runs long distances,
6 miles is a warm up.
I can't really imagine a 1 mile run.
I've barely just got my watch started and my ipod situated at that point.

Oh well, enough of this.
I feel the pathetic-ness getting too deep!
I'm headed back into the kitchen to
overdose on calcium, vitamin D and osteo enzymes.
Sorry, kidneys.

I'll get over this funk and be back soon with
something more uplifting.
pinky promise!

this part of me.

2011-03-11T16:44:00.003-05:00

In one month from now, my oldest son- Dakota

will be turning 13.

So get ready, Kota's Momma is processing

which for you blog readers means-

lots of KotaMan talk!!

And let me start with this:

when I look at him in this picture from last week,

I almost can't contain the emotions.
My relationship with him is like nothing else I've ever known.

It almost makes me wanna be 12, turning 13 again!!

ice baths for ice packs.

2011-03-09T14:47:00.006-05:00

I won't need these for awhile:

That would be my school books

and....hold your breath....

my RIGHT SHOE!

*pausing for a moment of silence*

The closing of my last school book is of great relief.

However, my lonely right shoe is causing great anxiety.

It's quite a predicament I tell ya...

I had great, wonderful, detailed plans of long runs during my spring break next week.

They've now changed to:

sitting on the couch

icing my elevated rt. foot

stretching sore hips/back from walking funny in a boot/cast

dreaming of a mile 15 run

cabin fever

But call me crazy

I'm still looking forward to this in my near future:
(ice baths, and the essential food groups- protein drinks, bananas and ShotBloks)

and till then, I've just replaced those other books for these:

It wasn't exactly what I had in mind for spring break,

but Brody is excited for the company on the couch.

And as you could imagine,

the 100 lb. Weimer and I both on the couch means:

I'm snuggling WITH him,

not the other way around!

*someone please send breath mints....for Brody!*

not.so.stinkin.funny.

2011-03-08T12:13:00.001-05:00

Yesterday started like this:

and finished like this:

And its finals week.

And I need a vacation.

The end.

so.stinkin.funny.

2011-02-25T19:27:00.007-05:00

This hasn't exactly been my most favorite week.

Not by a long shot.

And today as I was sitting in a parking lot

with a cloud of smoke surrounding my suburban-

no it wasn't The Rapture....

something had gone wrong under my hood.

very.

(It was in the budget. or not.)

I got thinking....

how do people stay sane through weeks like this?

Well the truth is-I dunno!

I have no grand words of wisdom today.

none. zero. zilch. nada.

But what I DO know is that this helps:

If it's sanity you are after, there is no recipe like laughter.

~Henry Elliot

For those of you who have had a difficult week,

I get it!

me.too.

So lets forget about the past 5 days

and go bust a gut!

It's legal.

I am confident of this.

2011-02-24T13:15:00.003-05:00

My precious Ramiro:

He who began a good work in you,

will be faithful to complete it!

p.s.- and I apologize that your twin is in fact, your mother.

Almost speechless.

2011-02-23T12:11:00.004-05:00

As his Mother, there are things I have to do.

But when your the first one

he runs to

seconds after winning the championship bball game

AND he was named the MVP...

...as his Mother, this is what I get to do!

Pictures that speak for themselves!

2011-02-16T15:04:00.001-05:00

hairs

2011-02-14T11:55:00.003-05:00

this child, my second born,

ramiro-

does not like hair cuts.

or his nails cut (and so he chews them raw).

or, as of late, waffled textured shirts.

can you see the excitement on his face?

and mine?

if he told me once, he told me a trillion times...

"I do not like my hairs to be cut".

yes, miro I hear you.....

now sit still, hold your head right, don't talk cause I'm concentrating,

no I can't promise you I'll never do this again,

madelyn give me some space so you don't get hurt,

and andre- he doesn't want an audience while getting his hairs cut....

And two hours after we had finished the torture session,

he was still at it....

"I still do not like my hairs cut!"

P.S.--

Me: "Maddie, where do you keep finding these passy's?"

Maddie: " 'amiro saves them for me!"

good. times.

Half marathon and 75 comments.

2011-02-13T09:02:00.009-05:00

Yesterday I did another half marathon- 13.1 miles

(not official, just up here in the mountains on my own).

I had done one 3 weeks ago

and yesterdays was so much better and I'm really not sore!

This specific route has some serious, serious inclines that have

taken me a year to conquer....and still be able to finish the run home!

Hello 1 !!

Last time it took me 2:01 with an average pace of 9:14.

So, I'm feeling great about that 1 out front!!

(fyi-I have run for years at a solid 10 min/mile pace and just got tired of it...enter speed work!)

*****************

AND: I got looking under one of those tabs here on my blog

and holy cow 75 comments in hiding batman!!

I had no idea that I had comments that I had to moderate?

hummmm

Maybe I've changed that now!

Gosh so sorry to those of you I've never responded to!

I will respond....as soon as I finish my psych test!!

****duh, and now I've somehow deleted ALL those comments....

on accident!

seriously? should it be this hard??? geesh****

It's all about compromise.

2011-02-07T13:00:00.010-05:00

This hasn't happened in 12+ years:

in case your wondering, my shins have issued a request

and well it sorta felt like a demand

and it goes a little something like this....

NO MORE relationships, please!!

They're bossy little boogers

(the legs- not relationships! well maybe them too),
but when they yell at you and strike you

with a pain like no other,
you listen!

So we compromised,
my shins and I.
ok, OK, OKAY no more relationships for now
but ya'll hush and LET ME RUN!!

It was a win-win for each of us.

You like the day old piggie tails, eh? no?

Oh wait, forgot the headband, better now?
It's hard core, I know!

And so the compromise begins...
10 mile fun runs, no relationships, and no shin pain!

thankyouverymuch

And when I got back the kids asked how it went:

It was smooth sailin'!!

**In other news: my sister and bro-in-law have
officially moved to New Zealand!
They are currently in the air over an ocean,
and will be for another day!
And I'm not ready to talk about it yet.**

She's a funny one.

2011-01-28T14:07:00.009-05:00

This child has begun to develop a very funny sense of humor!

It thrills me to death cause I know she's gunna need it-

you know with me as her mother and all,

not to mention she has 3 older brothers!

Here are a few recently:

Me: "Oh Maddie, did you fluff (toot)? Cause it's killing me!?!?"

*her response was without hesitation and very mater of fact*

Maddie: "nope. that was a skunk."

****************************************

As Madelyn was scratching my back one day:

"Momma what's this?"

Me: "that's my spine, my back bone"

Madelyn: "oh no its not, that's string cheese!"

Me: "Maddie, there'd better not be anything back there that looks like cheese"

Madelyn: "yep, there is!"

***************************************

Me:

(upon finding her in the bathroom using qtips...a big NO-NO!)

"Madelyn Rose, just what are you doing with those qtips?"

Maddie: "I'm picking boogers out of my ears"

***************************************

And then this morning as we were snuggling

and she was rubbing my head.....

Maddie: "Uh-Oh Mommy, I feel no brain in here"

****************************************

Because 2 people fell in love.

2011-01-25T10:07:00.012-05:00

I wonder when my parents got married

if they ever dreamed this would be in their future?!?

(me, kota, my sister, prince charming)

(miro and maddie too)

Somehow when I look at this picture of all of us,
I'm amazed at how strong our gene's are;
and then
I'm frightened
and panic sets in...
because I then remember that

I'm responsible for raising these 4 little people!
And sometimes I'm not sure who's raising who around this joint!

**********************

Running news:

I've been running my tush off lately!

I ran a half marathon, 13.1 miles

(not a race, just for fun up here in the mountains!)
this past Saturday.

loved.it.

Then today I ran 10.5 miles...uphill....in the pouring rain....

in 1 1/2 hrs!

And I smiled for every stinkin' second of it!!

My legs are holding up fine but

my smiling muscles hurt!

Go figure.

I thought I'd show you my

"I love running in the rain" face,

I knew you'd sleep better having seen it:

Now I'm gunna take this smiling face and feed it some serious chow!!

Me and my Maddie-paloosa.

2011-01-22T10:00:00.005-05:00

Oh this girl...I try to eat her most every day but

she's insistent that she needs to keep her cheeks.

Regardless, I am beside myself in love with being her Mother!

I can remember sobbing, and sobbing, and sobbing when I discovered

that I was pregnant, again.

Now, I can look back at that time and see God chuckling as he must have thought,

"Girl, you've got no idea what I'm fixin' to bring into your life".

And He was right.

I will never be the same.

My Andre.

2011-01-21T11:22:00.003-05:00

When did my prince charming go from this:

to this?

Geesh he's getting so big. So handsome.

And so creative with his food.

Maybe I'll just go check him out of school right now,

I wanna kiss on those freckly, dimply cheeks and love on those eyebrows!

Laughing over my own post? Yes I still am.

2011-01-19T19:01:00.007-05:00

Is it strange to laugh over your own posts? I mean really, that IS pretty pathetic.
Well this one keeps coming back to me, and I'm sorta embarrassed to tell you that it is still so stinkin' funny to me.
Maybe because I remember how delirious I was as I laughed myself silly on the bathroom floor!
Or maybe its just because laughter is really some of the best medicine I know of....and I might be asked to write a thesis paper on that soon.

Here it is....one of my less than finer moments!
And if you knew my last name....you wouldn't be able to stand it!
Fun-nay!!

Dear legs.....

2011-01-18T16:59:00.007-05:00

Dear legs,
Please keep on, keeping on.
I need you to not give out on me just yet.
I know, I know....I see the eye rolls and hear the groans as I head over to my running shoes and lace them up.
I hear your warnings of "I'm giving you 2 more miles, and then your done chic!", and I haven't listened.
I know I'm pushing my luck right now.
I've asked a lot out of you recently, but I need ya'll to hang with me just a bit more.
We are a team here, and this soul's in need of movement and open spaces.
A lot of it.
I promise to make it up to you...
ice baths and massages maybe?
Thanks, ya'll are my BFF's and I wouldn't trade you for nothin'!
Love,
me

Mountain running.

2011-01-13T10:57:00.009-05:00

We've had a little snow.

Like 7-8" of snow.

That's enough down here in the south to

shut everything down for the week!

Lord help me!

Its been a beautiful week and though I've begun to get
a bit jumpy from all the nerf gun wars inside my small house,
my nerves are holding up fairly well!

Being the crazy fool that I am,
I've been planning runs in my head as they were
forecasting the numerous inches of snow!

When it rains, I wanna run in the rain.
When it's hot, I wanna run in the heat.
When there's a beautiful sunset, I wanna run as I take it all in.
And when it snows, I wanna run in it too!

As I have traveled to different places,
one of the first things I
look forward to doing is running.
For me, running is the most meaningful way to experience most everything!

Back in college I was in a vocal group that went on tour
and one of our trips was to California.
We sang in several places, one of which was
at the Crystal Cathedral with Robert Shuller on national television
(it was incredibly cool!!)
As our plane landed in LA and we were bussed to our host homes for the evening,
I began to get fidgety.
After a full day of close quarters on buses, planes and airports;
I was bustin at the seams to get my shoes on and go running!!
As quickly as possible,
I was dressed and was out the door!
It was an awesome run that evening in LA
and one I will never forget!

That was almost 16 years ago, as much as it burdens me to say that!!

Anyhoooo, back to this week....and the snow,
I have secretly hoped that I could instill in my children a love for running,
a love for the great outdoors and
the ability to enjoy the two as one!

Two days ago I told the boys that I was going to be running the trails up here
and asked if any of them were interested in joining me....
as I had expected Dakota and Ramiro were all over that idea!!

So the first day, I took Dakota.
We had an awesome time!
We ran the trails but we also climbed up the mountain
until we felt it was too dangerous.
It was incredibly fun and for a few minutes I felt
as if I was running with a friend, not my child!

And then he called me "Mom"

and I snapped out of that moment!
Dakota is growing up so quickly

and becoming such a fun
kid to be with that I completely

enjoy hanging with him!

And for the record:

he challenged me to be the first back to the house...

we both kicked it in gear and sprinted like nobody's business!!

I blew past him

and then if he hadn't cheated and

cut through the hay field....I would have won!

Just saying!

We're not competitive or anything.

Yesterday it was Ramiro's turn.
He was so excited and had been asking all morning what he should wear,
if he would need _____,
and wanting to pinpoint the exact time we would be leaving for our
first ever "mountain running", as he calls it!

He wore 2 hats,
a head warmer around his face,
2 shirts and a jacket, 2 pairs of pants, 2 pairs of gloves,
2 pairs of socks and his football cleats
(it was very icy by this point, and actually I wished I had some too!!)

Here we are as we were leaving....
the orange hats were to inform hunters that we were not in fact deer!
Ramiro thought this was so funny b/c after all (as he says),
"we don't look like deer Momma"!!
Right.
We don't, but wear the hat anyways child!!

Ramiro and I had so much fun!
He ran, and ran and ran!
I kept asking him if he wanted to walk.
He never did.

And to tell you the truth, I couldn't have run much faster!
He kept up with me and did incredible!

About half way through,
we took a break on a hill and sat in the snow and just
listened to the wind.
It was priceless.

We ended up finishing 2.08 miles!
At the end I jumped over our finish line and dove into the snow!
Ramiro cracked up and laid down next to me, resting his head on my chest
and laughed himself silly.

As we hung out there in the snow, he says
"so this is what you do when you go running?"
I laughed and said, "ya babe, something like it!!"
Another moment, etched in my memory....
another run I'll never forget!

A week ago I was cleaning out Ramiro's backpack and found this paper
he had written at school.
It wasn't an assignment, I don't think,
it was just something he had written and
in an instant I knew it was a precious gift!

I love how he couldn't decide on how to spell "math"
and so he "x" out what wasn't right.
(Cool math is a web site he likes to go on to play computer games)

As I have looked at his paper over and over again,
I can't let go of his first sentence.

Ramiro, may you one day understand
the full extent of just how good God has been to you!
You are unbelievable!!
And may you know just how good God has been to me,
by giving me YOU!!
-Love, your Mommy

Starting Lines.

2011-01-06T09:46:00.008-05:00

A simple line. A marking signifying one side from another. A place of separation, from past and future. A beginning, something left behind and something else in front.

I love a starting line. The anticipation, the excitement and energy, the hopefulness. It's a wonderful place to be whether its the first day of school, the beginning of a new job, a new home, a brand new baby, a new year or the start of a race. At times, on those rare occasions when I actually see one, a sunrise feels like a starting line too-a new day!

I got a new running journal the other day and as I flipped through the empty pages of the calendar, pages that will soon be filled with miles, times, goals and "reality" (ahem); I was excited about the starting line of 2011. But as I continued to flip through the pages I was reminded that the journey is where most of the lessons are learned. The process of getting from A to B is where we become more of who we are. The exhilaration of the finish line will never be felt if it wasn't for crossing over the starting line and seeing the thing through.

For me, 2011 will be a year of starting lines, long runs and finish lines! I will cross some finish lines this year that I started many, many....lets not get into those details now (*sigh*), but just know that its been a LONG road!! And as soon as I run through the finishers tape this summer, the very next step puts me at another starting line! The education process is gruesome like that! But there is something incredible about seeing things come full circle, no matter how long ago the start was!

Reality is, some races in life require us to start, re-start and start again...can I get an Amen on the second chances?? (And the third?? And the fourth??) The journey as well may take us to different finish lines than we originally thought, and the process often leaving us with blisters and calluses (aka "beauty marks"). My life seems to be summed up in those 2 sentences, never the less:
It takes courage to stand at the starting line, will power to cross over and begin the run, and perseverance to stay on the road (however long it takes) and cross the finish line!

This isn't supposed to rhyme or feel poetic

2010-12-07T09:06:00.012-05:00

'Tis the season to be stressed, uptight, behind, agitated, cold, sick and crazy!
'Tis the season to explain 100 or so times how Santa visits houses with no chimney.
'Tis the season to "get over" a few things and go with Plan Z.

'Tis the season to know the cell number for your pharmacist, by heart.
'Tis the season to make 2 trips to the same store in one day because you forgot something on the list, the list you never made.
'Tis the season to NOT rely on your memory.

'Tis the season that once again gives birth to a schedule that's nearly impossible.
'Tis the season to promise that next year will be different.
'Tis the season which you remember you said that last year.

'Tis the season that crock pots are a gift from Heaven and coffee becomes an essential food group.
'Tis the season that you wished you had planned for financially, back in June.
'Tis the season to quickly discover "patience" as your middle name.

'Tis the season for finals and 15 page papers amongst ball games, banquets and parades.
'Tis the season for little white lies.
'Tis the season that 1 or 2 runs a week is the best one can hope for and will require a miracle of some sort.

But....
'Tis the season to celebrate the birth.
'Tis the season a babe saved the world.
'Tis the season to remember....
the Reason for the season.

happy thanks giving

2010-11-25T10:11:00.009-05:00

*written on 11/25/10*

Wow, Thanksgiving morning! I love the holidays! I love the way the sun rises differently on this Thursday morning. I love how the breeze blows a fresh sense of excitement through the air and the holiday spirit fills our hearts like a thick fog! I'm dying to run this morning, I'm desperate to get outdoors so my mind can settle down.

As I opened my eyes this morning, pondering the thoughts of "thanksgiving", I've been reminded of a few things. I wanted to share them here.

Sometimes "happy thanks giving" is tough. There are times when those 3 words are simply exhausting. I am deeply aware of the families that are not going to find this day easy. Hope has grown legs and walked out the door. Love is a foreign language. Commitment is merely a word, not a verb. Jobs have ended. The bank account is starving. The stress loads are dumping quicker than anyone could possibly imagine digging out from under. I know many are adorning their smiling "plastic faces" today, while deep inside their hearts are curled up in the fetal position screaming in agony and pain.

I've been there too, on this day specifically. I know the gut-wrenching feeling when people would say "Happy Thanksgiving". It was incredibly confusing. I wasn't "happy", I was too numb for a feeling, let alone one of "thanks" and I was empty and had nothing to "give".

There is something about the human heart that allows us to identify and carry a burden for those who are walking down roads where our own feet have been. Its a heart condition that gives us the ability to feel a bit of their pain, simply because we have hurt in a very similar way.

So today I want to encourage you, to lift you up with the Word, and to remind those who are struggling with "Happy Thanksgiving":

"Rejoice in the Lord always,

I will say it again: Rejoice!

Let your gentleness be evident to all.

The Lord is near.

Do not be anxious about anything,

but in everything,

by prayer and petition,

with thanksgiving,

present your requests to God.

And the peace of God,

which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.....

for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.

I know what it is to be in need,

and I know what it is to have plenty.

I have learned the secret of being content

in any and every sitation,

whether well fed or hungry,

whether living in plenty or in want.

I can do everything through Him who gives my strength."

These verses remind me that I must act....reguardless of how I feel!
Our feelings are slow to respond sometimes, they may have stage fright. And that's ok! We don't live by how we feel, we live by the promises of God which are not subjective to how we feel right now, or in 2 hours from now!
So...Give thanks.
Its a verb.
Pray.
That's a verb too!
When you do, God promises to stand guard over your heart and your mind.
You will sense His presence,
for He is the peace that rises above all understanding.
You won't want to miss it!

Hello, my name is Jill.

2010-10-22T10:32:00.010-04:00

Hello, my name is Jill.
Just in case you were still wondering, and the title wasn't clear!

I am a mother of 4 precious children and a stay home mom who just might remain a student indefinitely. I'm a runner, a Bama fan and the miserable owner of 3 vocal chord nodules that are quite possibly never going to recover after my boys' football season! I mean really, why is sitting in the stands and clapping for your son not an option for me? I've tried. It lasted 2 minutes and 25 seconds. And I'm not kidding.

Anyways, nice to meet you.

I thought I'd re-introduce myself as the creator of this blog! I've been MIA for over a month now and though I write blog posts in my head frequently, I've failed to actually share them here. I think about this blog every day. However as I work on my "50 things that HAVE to get done today", sitting here to write just doesn't rise to the top very often! I'd like to promise to do better. But Ramiro (yes, he's that little boy of mine that is now 7!!) has recently pointed out that making promises that I can't keep is not in his Bible. Thank you Pastor Ramiro for your Biblical insight!! So, I will NOT promise to do better....I'll just hope that I can and maybe Pastor Ramiro will find that sufficient! geesh, kids!

So, as of late......Ramiro is now thrilled to be 7 because he thinks he's closer to being "in charge", Andre is now 6 and thrilled to no longer hear Ramiro remind him that he's only 5! Andre said that was on his "EVERY last nerve"! haha I am also a year older now.....and we'll not worry about how old I am....I'll just say that I'm very sure it means I should be "in charge". I worry that its not actually a correct representation of reality at this house!! Dakota and Madelyn are both doing great as well!

The boys football teams have made it into the playoff's and we are so stinkin excited!! They have worked so hard and its awesome to see how they've grown as athletes since the first day of training camp! I "hope" to soon do a big post on Ramiro's season (scroll down a few posts for some of Dakota's highlights)....he's been amazing! You've never seen a kid so tiny take down kids 3x his size....and then jump up, pull up his pants/pads and run back in place for the next play....all before the other kid has gotten up off the ground! He's hysterical, that Ramiro! Go #42!!

As we wind down football, basketball practices have already started! Andre will be joining in this year....so having 3 boys now with practices/games should prove to be interesting! I'm just praying Ramiro and Andre don't body slam each other on the court like they do at home! I'm not over-exaggerating either!! Its a real possibility!

The weather is beautiful here and it makes for some great running! More on that later! Gotta get offa here now, I've just remembered that list of 50 things that HAVE to get done today!!
Love ya'll....its good to be back!!

Bye, my name is Jill.

one motley crew

2010-09-13T14:37:00.003-04:00

I'm trying to make up for lost time on this blog...so here's some recent pics of the kids.

Madelyn now goes to a moms-morning-out program on Tuesday and Thursdays.

She was so excited to need a "pack-pack" and a "yunchbox".

This pic was from her first morning and I wish she looked more excited, ahem!

These 2 pic's were from the boys first day of school...
Maddie just likes to get in on the action too!
Off they were....Andre in K, Ramiro in 1st grade and Dakota in 7th grade.
(Ramiro's morning meds had not quite hit yet
so he was still off in his own little world,
Lord bless his teacher!)

As I look at these 4 kids I'm reminded of this past baseball season when
Dakota had a mishap with a baseball in the mouth.
As I raced home to drop off the little kids to my Dad and get to the ER
Dakota was quickly getting out of control from the pain and blood.

In moments like those one of the things that happens,
and it warms my heart,
is that the kids become very emotional
from seeing one of them hurting so badly.

By the time I got home, I had all 3 of the little kids squalling as well.
They fight like nobodies business,
don't get me wrong.....
but when push comes to shove,
these kids are tight!

My baby can RUN!!

2010-09-10T13:46:00.013-04:00

Football. The south. Enough said.
And my boys are no exception, they love some football.
Except for one thing:

I'm not sure what they are feeding these boys down here,

but this first shot is just to show you what we're dealing with here in size.

So #92 back there....he's 11 (6th grade)!!

And my son, the big strapping brut #16 there in front, Dakota...he's 12 (7th grade).

It's enough to make this mother pace the sidelines,

holler like a wild woman and
be ready to jump the fence at any given moment

if her child is down for more than 2 seconds!

Never the less, Dakota is doing so well!

That's him there with the ball on the left.

And there.

First down baby!!

Way to run, 1*6*!!

And then, his biggest play of the season so far....

(#75 you'd better not even think about it....)

he's got the ball,

and he's got his work cut out for him,

50 yards away from the end zone....

hurry babe, hurry!

Run Kota, Run!

(about here I began to feel my vocal chords issue a warning:

please stop this abusive screaming! I ignore.)

Faster D, faster!!

Your not done yet, blue/white are all over you babe....

go Kota Man, run your heart out!!

He successfully "juked" those kids there....and was GONE BABY!!

(about here...his mother in the stands is loosing her ever lovin' mind, and her voice!)

TOUCHDOWN DAKOTA!!

Now that is a beautiful sight when your son had the ball!

Dakota was later thankful to find out that I decided NOT to jump the fence

and join in the "body bump" in the end zone. Just sayin'.

It was a close call.

Mom, I'll just sit here with you.

2010-08-01T09:28:00.011-04:00

Yesterday evening we had a huge storm. The kind that you can see coming in, asses the look and size of the clouds and gather that its time to secure the patio furniture. Living in the cove, surrounded by mountains, means big wind storms! But the beauty of the mountains from every angle can't be more perfect, and so the wind storms are just par for the course I suppose.

The kids were all doing various things and I had come to a stopping point on my psych research paper outline (yes, the one I've daily complained about on Facebook!). I have been in a terrible funk lately (I'm still wanting to claim a reaction to Cipro for these psychological issues, but that's all I'm going to say about that!) and so as the storm was brewing outside I decided to take a break and go watch. It's a beautiful sight to see and I never want to pass up an opportunity to sit outside and enjoy the show. Plus, I felt something calling me to the back porch, something inviting me to come sit awhile. So I did.

I sat there taking it all in; the warm air, the roar of the wind over the trees, the thunder rolling like the tympani in the back of the orchestra, the sky painted with the darkest hues and the mountains wrapping its arms around it all. The birds were few, they all received the memo. The roads were quiet. And my hair (though now in big clumps of tightly weaved curls) blew freely in the wind. As I rested my head back against my chair the emotions of the past several weeks began to flood my heart. Though I don't have a specific thing that's happened, mentally things are not at peace. Just as the sky above me was covered in heavy dark clouds, so has my heart and soul been overcome by gray. I knew those clouds above and the roar of the thunder has been no stranger to me recently.

Slowly the back door opens and Andre steps out.

"Mom, why are you sitting out here in this?"

"Well, Andre, I just am"

"Well why?", he asked again.

I was battling a flood of tears as I tried to answer him. I lost the battle.

"Babe, Momma needs to watch those dark clouds right there....

.....I just need to see them blow over us and go away"

He seemed confused yet my tears and faint voice were unsettling to him I know. But all he said was "Oh, okay" and quietly went back inside.

I continued to sit there on the deck, knowing that there was incredible truth to what I just said. I wanted my heart to hear it too. I kept watching the clouds, they kept moving and the rain was becoming visible in the distance.

A few minutes later Andre opened the door again and what he did was so precious, hence why I'm sharing all this now. He walks over to another chair, scoots it over next to mine and as he crawls up in it he says, "Mom, I'll just sit here with you". He proceeds to stick his thumb in his mouth as he grabs my hand with his free hand. I melt.

"Andre, your such a good friend"

"I know", he says around the thumb.

And so there we sat, just my "prince charming" and I, watching the storm and not being afraid of the thunder. The rain eventually came and we hung out there as long as we could. Soon we were huddled together (now having moved closer to the door) with a blanket around us like a cocoon, but still watching.

He never said another word. Nor did I. We just quietly watched together.

As I came home this morning from my morning run (8 miles), Andre pops his thumb out of his mouth, gives me a hug and says with a great big smile, "I looked outside, its blue out there. I think the clouds are gone now."

And sure enough, they were.

As I ran this morning, jumping over the occasional tree limb and branch that hadn't faired well in the storm, I saw it too.

Blue sky's once again.

Matter of fact, I've never seen a blue this magnificent!

Extraordinary discoveries from the bathroom floor.

2010-07-08T10:12:00.028-04:00

At 5:35 am this morning I jumped up from my bed and instantly had a bad feeling.

What time is it?

It was awfully bright outside therefore I quickly feared that I had overslept and missed my chance to run today! I haven't set an alarm clock in several years because I have an internal one that rings at 5:30 am, sharp (well most every morning!). But as I checked my phone my heart settled a bit...whew...I only overslept by 5 minutes! The run was still safely a go, so off I was. My morning baptism as usual.

As I was running I had one of those great euphoric experiences, you know the one's where you hear the Chariots of Fire anthem playing in the background as you gracefully and effortlessly cross the finish line and are wrapped in the American Flag as you wave to the hundred's of fans who came to watch the race! Face beaming in colors of red as you catch your breath from the 26.2 miles you just blew through and arms full of flowers from those who would love a picture and autograph! I saw the news headlines read "Single Mother of 4, runs first Olympic marathon and wins at 34!" And the news media waiting...

Oh wait, I forgot you're there and reading this.

I'm lost, where was I?

Yes, I was running this morning.

I'm back to the blog now.

So, while running/singing to MJ's "Just Beat It"...I got wondering about hidden talents. You know these prodigies that come out of no where with this incredible voice, skill, or mathematical genius at 50 who works at McDonalds, that leaves us scratching our heads. I found myself wondering if maybe I have a hidden talent or skill. Something that maybe I'm just not aware of yet. Something that's just waiting to be discovered, released and would make the madness in my life all make sense!

Maybe I could win a spelling bee...

"Dyslexic Mother of 4, spelling bee prodigy at 34".

Or maybe

"Deliriously desperate housewife discovers cure for cancer in her kitchen".

(that requires BEING in the kitchen...I quickly scratched that one!)

Or "Female, 5'2", becomes basketball star for WNBA."

Got the idea? The list could go on forever. Maybe we all have some incredible discovery in each of us that's just bustin' at the seams to get out!? Just maybe!

My last headline read,

"Mother of 4, runner, becomes famous ballerina. Performing now at the Kivov Ballet School in St. Petersburg, Russia."

I mean, really...who doesn't secretly wonder about striking this pose?

As I came home, now rockin' to Whitney's newish song "I didn't know my own strength", I felt renewed. Charged by the thought that maybe I was on the brink of discovering something extraordinary about myself.

I hustled the 2 little boys through breakfast, packed their lunches, kissed their cheeks, drove them to summer camp, and hurried back home to the other 2 kids.

As I walked into my bathroom, I threw my hands up for a great big stretch and a deep yawn before heading into the shower. Unfortunately, I lost my balance, tumbled and fell flat to the floor!

Yes, ballerina here landed on the bathroom floor from yawning and stretching at the same time! As I laid there for a minute, checking to see if anyone saw my graceful plunge, I began to laugh! And laugh. And laugh. Soon I was kicking my feet and squealing in hysteria! I began to cry funny tears!

The truth is, though life right now is really hectic, stressful and at times overwhelming....I'm happy! I like where I live, being in school, running and raising a tribe of crazy kids!

Come to think of it, I was on the brink of discovery!

The conclusions:

#1: I have no hidden talents that would require too-too's or leotards!

#2: The bathroom floor needed swiffering 2 weeks ago

#3: I should stick to running

#4: I'm thrilled with a simple headline that reads,

"Mother of 4: finds joy, happiness and balanced life!"

I don't need to be a prodigy. Nothing fancy or out of the norm is necessary for me. It's just good to be happy. To be able to laugh myself silly, even to tears on the bathroom floor and not care an iota about it!

A simple life is a good life...I'm not trading this for being a rock star any time soon!!

P.S.- Something gives me the feeling though that I'm in need of some progress on the "balanced" part of discovery #4! Googling Bosu balls now!!

Just Thankful.

2010-07-01T09:41:00.016-04:00

I've got a secret. Lean in close so you can hear. I LOVE LIVING ON A FARM, IN THE COUNTRY!

And one more secret, I'll whisper this one...THIS IS THE BEST PLACE TO RAISE KIDS!

The kids get to see and do things that are priceless. I love that they are able to experience nature, animals, gardens, and dirt! Wide open spaces, mountains and pastures too!

Its been a year now since moving to the farm. I can't believe it, but its true!

Though the transition had it's moments of great sadness, this place has offered each of us a chance to process, regroup and rebuild! There's something magical about the country. Maybe its the slower pace, the excitement of feeding calves, or the freshly grown fruit/veggies from the back yard.

To say this place is a blessing for us is like saying the ocean is a little salty! Or oily, ahem.

We still have things in boxes, the kids rooms aren't really "decorated" yet and most all my walls are still bare...but none of that matters so much anymore. The smiles, the giggles, the kids running in open fields and chasing bunnies is what brings greater joy these days.

Tractors, hay balers and barns are a perfect backdrop for "growing up" little kids...it's really the best kept secret around!

On my run this morning I was reminded of all these things and the beauty of it all. I came home dripping in sweat but with a heart that was full! I'm just so thankful!

(and yes, I do have 4 kids...however I couldn't find one of Dakota that was related, not that this one of Ramiro is either, but who can resist that face!?)

Ramiro

2010-06-22T09:53:00.006-04:00

For those of you who know me well, you understand what a day this was for me! Ramiro's kindergarten graduation!

It's hard to find words that fully explain how much I am head over heals in love with all my children. I love them all equally however each of them have a special significance that is different from the others.

Here and here are parts of Ramiro's story. It was rough from the get go...like almost from the moment of conception! But if there's any child who was determined at EVERYTHING, it was him. It pays to be a fighter, in this case!

All along there's been something in my head about Ramiro and Kindergarten...when he was 1 1/2 and things were not going well I got this idea in my head that Kindergarten was a huge benchmark for him/us. I stayed focused on that goal once I was told how far behind he was developmentally.

As I watched him graduate and hold his diploma, I felt incredibly thankful for the many wonderful doctors, therapists and teachers we've had these past several years! At this point, most people would have no idea what it's taken to get this far...Ramiro has no idea how blessed he really is! But I do!

I run because...

2010-06-10T16:18:00.013-04:00

I run because

I need to forgive

and forget

because I remember

and need to let go again

I run because

I want to choose

and not react

because I want to understand

not just know

I run because

it focuses my vision

and repairs "near"sightedness

because it empties my head

so I can listen

I run because

my days are numbered

and I want them to count

because some things I run through

and others, I run around

I run because

I know how to train

and finish strong

because I have something to beat

and outrun in this race

I run because

I need the daily baptism, of sorts

and sweat does the body good

because everything seems better

at 6 in the morning

I run because

when the kids are gone

I need a reason to get out of bed

because when they're gone

its the only thing left...

that feels like me.

Fig leaf fashion.

2010-05-31T11:54:00.009-04:00

This summer I'm taking an Old Testament literature class. Let me just say "I'm in LOVE"!

I'm having flash backs of being in Anderson University's Old Testament Faith for Living class back in 1994 (I think that was the year). Something happened while listening to Dr. Fred Shively that year that changed my thinking. I was never one to like history. Never was I excited over all the war talk in high school history classes. And for a dyslexic student like myself, all the numbers and dates had me frustrated and checked out!!

I had thumbed through the Old Testament a time or two before... it really gave me the same impression, lots of family names, geographical locations and dates. For a young girl who was really excited about her boyfriend at the time and what she was going to wear next, I was expecting this OT class to be a YAWN! I sat in the farthest row back that first Monday morning (at 8am)! It turned out to be the only day I sat back there! Something had me hooked. I moved to the front row, had perfect attendance and aced that Bible class!

Here we are again, some 16 years later (ouch)...no that boyfriend didn't turn out to be the "one" and I'm not near as worried about what I'm wearing these days, though I've recently looked in the mirror and feared that I've been here before with these leggings and all! But for me, the black and white pages of this book are once again in color! I still struggle with the numerical dates, the B.C.'s and numbers of chapters vs. verses...Genesis 1:23 and Genesis 23:1 are NOT in fact the same thing, sigh! Never the less, these narrative stories come to life as I read them and the way the Bible is deeply intertwined is amazing. There is no other book that perfectly projects thousands of years in the future! The Old and New Testaments are filled with events that have so much purpose and pictures with incredible meaning. I'm often fascinated by the use of words and the picture image they create. Though the OT was originally in Hebrew and the NT in Greek, the use of their languages and the meanings of those words in their cultures makes my heart race. I've had my heart rate checked out and it is not anxiety! Just saying.

The first of last week I was focused on fig leaves and finding Adam some decent clothing to cover himself with. Can you just see God saying "No, no Adam. That sin you and Eve just committed, ya well you will need much more than what that pathetic fig leaf your sporting there is covering! Dude, you need some CLOTHING now...your nakedness is atrocious and no fig leaf will be sufficient!" It's just funny to me to think of that moment. It's kinda like my kids thinking they can hide behind the curtains and not be found...just because their face is covered! Never mind the feet.

It must have spoken volumes about Adams understanding of what really had happened. God knew however. Yes, He knew that ultimately these (we) sinners were in need of the ultimate blood sacrifice, the perfect covering that made way for forgiveness and grace. But till then, He made way for atonement...just the covering! So there in the Garden, He killed the first animal in order to provide a covering for their nakedness that sin had exposed. I'm still chuckling over God handing Adam and Eve their new "duds". "Here ya'll, nice try with them there leaves you got...now how's abouts going behind those bushes over yonder, put these that I've made on and model some real clothes for us!!" Wouldn't you have just loved to be there for that?

But it got me thinking about the idea of clothing. How the fig leaves that Adam proposed were so insufficient (he was "male" after all and maybe just didn't have a sense of fashion), the animal skins God originally provided were only a temporary atonement for their situation, and then much later we find Christ coming! His garments offering forgiveness, not just a cover!

Romans 13:14

"...clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ"

Galatians 3:27

"...for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ"

When we put on His skins, we are washed and made new...we are cleansed and made whole!

Christ is a healer, not a band-aide!

We can throw away our silly attempts with fig leaves and humbly adorn the ultimate outfit, Christ!

That, to me, is good stuff!

The heart beat.

2010-05-26T18:57:00.019-04:00

I wish I had time to write all that's going on. Life in general is hectic as you could imagine. The kids activities have been in full force, speeding at rates that make me feel like I need a "40 MPH" sign posted in my house! My own studies are at times more demanding than I feel I can cram into this head. I'm in information overload most of the time.

It's taking longer and longer to figure out what day it is when I wake up in the morning...and lately I quickly assume it's a school day when I awake to the sound of my Dad at the door wanting to drop off lunch boxes. It goes something like this, "Oh Dad hey, ya we are up (now), and ok yes, it's a school day? Ok, thanks, ya I'm fine (will be soon)". I then realize we are in a huge hurry and have no time to look for everyone's lost shoe or to worry about matching socks...if its white, its a go! The daily race against the clock begins as a sprint each morning and by the time the caffeine hits the bloodstream, I'm already buried deep in my Old Testament exegetical commentary, writing an essay of the Abrahamic Covenant. Wow, that was a long sentence! And suddenly I feel a long post...

All the meanwhile, Dakota is heavy on my heart. The girl friend thing is a rude awakening, for him as well as I. He's finding out that what I told him 2 years ago is still true...girls change their minds and for no other reason but to change their mind! He acted as if it was some profound statement I had just made and asked me where I learned the idea from.

"Um, duh...I'm. a. girl. Dakota!!"

"Oh ya, right. I guess you are."

Recently he was at the dentist and was allowed to pick something out of the treasure box in their office...which is totally funny to me at the age of 12!! He thumbed through the toys and found a really cute hemp type bracelet. He decided on the red beaded one and later told me it was for his "girlfriend". Wha? You got that bracelet to give to your "friend that's a girl" (as I prefer)? I mean really...if the bracelet came from the toys in a treasure box that you dug through at the dentist, are we ready to be calling her a "girlfriend"? Anyways, I'll not continue my mental anguish over that subject here on this blog. So 3 days later (this would be a total of 5 days after they started "going out", but who's counting), Dakota felt ready to give the gift to his first ever girlfriend. He hid it in his jean pocket and asked my thoughts that morning on appropriate timing for the gift exchange. We discussed some ideas and I wished him good luck, he was nervous. And so was I. I know a few things about girls...after all.

All the way home my mind was racing:

THAT girl had better be gracious! She had better thank him and appreciate that he thought of her! I mean he COULD have gotten a green army man, or a bouncy ball, or a key chain for himself! But he didn't! He thought of her and was willing to face the awkwardness of giving it to her! And to do so knowing that the other kids might make fun of him! She had better wear it IMMEDIATELY and show ALL her friends! And if I catch wind of her being....

I eventually regrouped and stopped the mental bashing of this poor 12 year old girl that I didn't even know. Maybe she would recognize his thoughtfulness. Maybe she would thank him and be very sweet about it.

I picked him up that afternoon anxiously anticipating the 411. Immediately his face gave all indications that something didn't go well.

"um, Dakota...is everything ok"

"no"

"oh gosh, I'm so sorry, so do you want to talk now?"

"I guess"

"ummmm, okkkkk, soooo....did you give her the bracelet?"

"no"

"well, honey, why not?"

" she broke up with me!"

"She did WHAT?"

"Ya Mom, she sent her squad of friends over to my lunch table to tell me that she wanted to break up"

"Well, did the SQUAD happen to mention why?"

"yes, they said that she said that I wasn't spending enough time with her"

"Enough time with her?? Heck, ya'll are in 4 of 7 classes together...and your in the 6th grade for crying out loud, trying to get an education!"

(I looked over to find tears rolling down his face and his lip quivering)

"Dakota, babe, I'm so sorry...girls are really tough at this age, well, at any age really...actually, they are just no good, no good at all. Maybe you should just forget about them all together and just love on your Momma the rest of your life and ...."

No just kidding, I didn't say all of that last line. Just most of it.

Dakota had experienced his first rejection, and he was heart broken!

And so was I.

It was a long night and we both had shirts soaked with tears of disappointment.

We talked about it for several days and eventually laughed about ways to get revenge (not really, just to lighten the mood).

That very same week, Dakota had his first ever baseball game! We were pumped and we each gave him a few words of encouragement as we drove to the game...

Me: "Dakota, keep focused, do what you know to do, be of good character son, and have fun"

Andre: "Kota, um, hit hard"

Madelyn: (she went blank under the pressure)

Ramiro: "Dakota. Win."

The other team was at bat first, so that put Dakota's team out in field. I watched every step my child took out of the dug out...and sure enough he stopped at the pitchers mound! My heart sunk and I felt the need to begin my normal back and forth rocking motion, its how I keep calm. Long story short... he did well. But it was tough! This team was awesome and our team is...well let me get back to my point here! They lost 11-0. Dakota batted great and really did well for his first ever baseball game! He held up under the pressure and I was proud of him.

HE, on the other hand...was devastated! He got in the car and sobbed all the way home! He felt like he had lost the game for his team and nothing I said seemed to help AT ALL!

He was heart broken!

And so was I.

It was another long night.

And once again we shared tears of disappointment.

****************************************************************

That week, while out on my runs, my mind kept going back almost 13 years ago. To a little clinic in Indiana where I had just done a pregnancy test and was having my first ever ultrasound. It was a moment I will never forget. The nurse, myself and a tiny beating heart on a screen...just the 3 of us, we knew something no one else did. As I sat there in complete shock and disbelief, I remember hearing the swoosh of each beat and watching each chamber expand and contract. Time stood still as I tried to make sense of that moment.

A few days afterwards I wrote in my journal, I wanted to share it. I have it posted in his baby scrap book next to the ultrasound picture.

"I've just seen your heart beat, what an amazing thing. A heart that is pumping and using my blood to create your own. Baby, take what you need from me to be healthy. The heart I heard was the heart that will be pounding when you are born in April. The same heart beat I will feel when I hold you close to me at night. The same heart that will beat wildly when you first go to school. Your fear and anxiety will cause that same beat I heard to race. It will be the same beating heart that pumps when you are playing and moving about. But it will also be the heart that loves and breaks. Baby, I will help you learn to love and be here when you have the heart breaks. I do not know how to be your Mother, I am scared, but please be patient...we will learn this together! I love you, Mom"

I haven't been able to get that beating heart off my mind lately. I hear it in the shower. I see it in my textbooks. It follows me on my runs. I sense it in most every moment.

The truth is...what happens to my children, happens to me.

What I didn't know almost 13 years ago?

When that precious heart would be hurt...there would be 2 hearts to tend to, not one!

Just a quick note

2010-05-17T14:05:00.004-04:00

Geesh, its been forever since I've posted here! So much has been going on...the kids school programs and events, Dakota's baseball schedule/practices, sign ups for summer sports and camps, as well as my own crazy school schedule! Seems like most every night we are off to play sports, watch sports, sign up for sports, etc. This week is the last full week of school (I'm about to break out into my ugly cry just typing it!) and so this week is no exception to the crazy schedules!

I've been writing a post in my head while running lately and I've been processing it since before Mothers Day. It's about my precious first born...my relationship with him and how recently everything seems to be happening so fast. My heart has been so burdened for him lately. Growing up is tough these days, and mothering those that are growing up is even tougher! Being a Mom is something I'm still molding into...the balance is weird. One minute they are completely dependent on you, the next you hear "Mom, its ok, I've got this". I've been increasingly aware of how vulnerable being a Mother feels! I felt it a lot when the babies were all first born...but then you get used to that role and move on. Now we are entering a new stage...puberty, sports, girls, movies/music/video games, friends, boys locker room drama, etc. I'm sorta missing the days when Dakota wanted to watch Elmocize for the 15th time that day!

Anyways, I will be back here soon with this post and some pics from recent times!

A year of progress and growth.

2010-04-21T13:09:00.008-04:00

When my sitter showed up yesterday (bless her!) I quickly asked her how she was, hugged the little kids and then bolted out the door. I needed to run. Not walk, not warm up, not slowly get into a rhythm...I needed to be running.

Anyone who runs knows that there are those days when it takes a mile or so to get "into" the run. To get rid of the funk and get into what I like to describe as "my cyclical mode"; the pace of one foot in front of the other, the motion of the arms in sync with the legs, the lungs in peaceful cooperation as it inhales/exhales. Often I explain the feeling of running as the steady and rhythmic motion of a train. The gears and wheels become circles of motion that are in harmony together. Running (most days) feels like that to me, but it can take awhile to get into that groove. Yesterday was unusual, it was a day that doesn't happen often. A day that the harmony, the cyclical mode, began with the first shoe strike on the pavement. It almost makes me giddy now to think of it!

I have been running a 6.6 mile route recently that has a 1/2- 3/4 mile section that is STRAIGHT UP HILL! And yes, I mean some serious incline! I usually run the entire section, but by run I mean at times it is a very very slow jog. It is the longest section of the route and at times I have thought I would never get to the top. Well yesterday I began to see some significant progress. Not only did I keep my normal flat terrain pace, I wasn't huffing and puffing for air plus my legs weren't burning from muscle fatigue! I almost felt as if I had run through the mountain and not up it!

As I was finishing the last mile (an hour later), impressed by how easy the run felt...I got thinking about strength and endurance. About growth. About time. Consistency. Perseverance. Mountains and valleys. Trials. Pain. Sweat. April 2009.

This time last year, most days felt like my first several attempts up this street, shear torture. Most days felt like I would never make it to the top. They were full of pain and fatigue. But now, a year later...those days are few and far between. Like yesterdays run, I now see significant progress. Time is doing its work. Consistency is paying off. Strength is giving way to endurance (or maybe its the other way around) and I see the growth. These days I almost always sleep well, the deep sadness only pops in briefly, there's laughter and joy in my house again and I see a new normal finding its way with us.

I'm incredibly proud of my children. They have weathered some tough storms. They have had many transitions to make and emotions to process. But they've done so well and I just can't think of a better bunch of kids! I told Dakota so last night. I felt he needed to hear what an awesome job he's done this year and how proud I am of him.

I would love for "life" to feel as easy and harmonious as my runs. Like an engine that can maintain its speed, composure and strength in all circumstances. It's a bit unrealistic I suppose. Life has it's mountains and valleys and at times there is nothing easy about it. Sometimes its just flat out brutal. But I'm thankful today for the times when progress can be felt and the days are almost always easier. Oddly, I'm also feeling a deep kinship to the verse in James 1:2 that says "consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds." More on that later...

Take me out OF the ball game...

2010-04-09T14:57:00.020-04:00

First week of baseball:

Madelyn vs. bleachers.

It didn't go as she had planned.

However she wanted to watch her "budder" play ball, so she did!

But of course, with a dose of Maddie drama.

Dakota vs. baseball.

It didn't go as he had planned either.

You might find it interesting to know,

the glove was in front of his face

at the time in which this happened.

We are still scratching our heads.

Dunno.!?&$?

What I do know is this:

-I've worried about this moment all his life. I've played it through my mind a million times. My child hurt out on the field, me in the stands. And I would like to report that I DID NOT go running out onto field until I was motioned to come.

Um yes, Thank you.

-I have never seen my son in so much pain before. And I never want to again. But, somehow I feel silly to even speak/write those words...he's still contemplating whether he will play for Alabama or Florida. I fear this is just the beginning. *sigh*

-I'm now afraid of the ball. He is not.

-I have PTSD. He does not.

-I'm nervous about him pitching, hitting, catching, running, sliding or sitting in the dug out.

He isn't nervous.

-I'm not sure the swelling and pain in my heart has gone down yet.

He's getting better by the day.

-I'm ready for the season to end (it just started). He wishes it would last forever!

-Dakota has been ready for sports going on 12 years now.

Mom still isn't ready.

"Maddie honey, can Mommie please have the ice pack, please? Her head is spinning."

OCD. Nope not me. I'm cured.

2010-04-01T13:27:00.016-04:00

There was a day (yesterday)

when this would have thrown me over the edge!

Actually, I would have just jumped.

I worked hard to list all my assignments for the week

and then to designate days for each to be done.

What any good and conscientious student would do, of course.

But instead of jumping...I'm sitting calmly, not hollering or scolding anyone.

I'm proud, this is progress in my world.

Am I disappointed that I let Miss Madelyn sit at my desk? Yes.

But will I re-write it? No.

(though I considered it for 32 seconds,

and I will cringe as I mark each box...

and speaking of boxes,

ya'll hush over my boxes,

leave them alone!

You just don't understand how hard it is to live in this head!)

Anyways, where was I?

Oh yes, perfectionism...

I don't have time for perfection anymore,

It's been traded for "it will do".

* feeling faint, I need a cold rag and the couch*

I just wanted to applaud myself for progress,

though small it may seem to some.

I like things to be a little on. the. organized. side.

I like my papers unfolded and nicely stacked.

I love color coding and label makers.

Oh, the list could go on and on...

but I think I'll stop with those 4,

I love round even numbers after all!

So the destruction to my check list was an opportunity to practice something new.

A moment when I could have chosen to flip.

Instead I am choosing calm.

And actually it feels good, I think I'm cured!

Ok, well I must get off here now,

the boys will be here soon enough and

I need to get my highlighters organized...

in rainbow order!

And I love Budders (brothers)

2010-03-26T13:01:00.015-04:00

Community baths:
It's not a thing that usually happens around here, the kids are starting to get a bit big for the community bathing experience! Questions arise that I have no real appropriate answers for, so I opt for the more controlled, one at a time, in and out showers for the little kids.

However, this particular night we had just made it back from Atlanta where the kid transfer happened...from Dad to Mom. After hours of highway driving, I was in the mood for maximum results with the least amount of effort. They were in the mood for fun!(the suction shower mat makes for an artistic backdrop eh? excuse that.)

These 2 pictures of Madelyn are for my sisters' benefit...no the sports-vest jacket wasn't part of the original ensemble for the princess dress, but when you have a girlie-girl who lives with a bunch of brothers...this is what you get!

That night after the bath pictures, I tucked Maddie into her bed, did our usual " I love you this much, this big and this high" and "I love you more, no me more, no me the most-est" etc. As Maddie rolled over to snuggle her life size horse and lovie, she says from behind her passy, "and I love budders". I could have just eaten her right then and there!

It's good to have all my children back home and to feel the love and laughter as it fills the air!

I will run.

2010-03-23T10:29:00.008-04:00

Today.

Well, its a weird kinda day. It's supposed to be a happy day, a day of celebration.

It's not exactly.

Instead, its a day that stings.

It's a day that reminds me of what "isn't".

8 years ago today, I got married.

But yet in 2 weeks from today, I will have been divorced now for 1 year.

I'm finding my philosophy assignment of writing on the Socrates quote "The unexamined life is not worth living", almost impossible. But it's due tonight regardless.

I can't think today.

All I can do is feel.

So I will do what I know works- I will run today.

Because it is through running that I've learned to let go and keep going.

These next few weeks, as the 1 year mark approaches,

I will run...

through the sadness,

through the emotions,

through the confusion of high's and low's.

For this I know for sure...

When I feel broken, running makes me feel less broken.

When I'm exhausted from sadness, running gives me new energy.

When I'm confused, running allows me to straighten out what really does matter.

When I'm overwhelmed, running keeps me focused on the small steps.

I love what Kristin Armstrong (Lance Armstrong's ex-wife, who is a runner) said recently,

"I don't run away from things anymore, mind you, I run through them."

Running through the hidden treasures in my back yard

2010-03-20T13:05:00.023-04:00

This week the kids have been in Florida visiting their father. I find myself on an unusual road when they are gone, a journey of emotions that are up and down with twists and turns. When the kids are home, I'm begging for peace and quiet. Yet oddly when they are gone, I struggle to know just what to do with the peace and quiet.

I decided to go running this morning on our mountain behind the cow pastures (and by "our" I really mean my parents!).

Though we go up there from time to time, usually its not by foot and never have I run it. I brought my 100 lb. Weimaraner, Brody...as my "Brody Guard". I am such a wimp and don't particularly like being out there alone. Brody is the best thing ever, though he is a hunting dog and most certainly wants to kill something, he stays close and takes every opportunity to snuggle next to my face!

I also took my camera because I had a hunch I'd wish I had it... I was right!

I took a ton of pictures, but here's a few that show what is perfectly tucked away in the mountains of my own back yard (again, "my own" is like the "our" mentioned above, ha).

I ran in the grassy hay fields...

I ran through the barren trees and climbed the rocks...I pretended to be a gymnast again on fallen trees...

I ran up hill, up hill and up hill...

I ran on pine trails and rocky streams...I jumped over cow um, well, you know #2...

following my Brody Guard every step of the way, he seems to intuitively know the best way up, so I followed quickly behind him...

I peeked down on a few sun bathing cows...and made a few horses nervous...I counted deer footprints in the mud and made some of my own.

I listened to the sound of the woods...and later cranked my tunes on my ipod...I took in the smells and felt the cool breeze...but mostly...

I ran and ran and ran...

and sang and cried and laughed...

and ran some more!

This is God's country, I tell ya... it's the best place to sing out loud, cry tears you can't let go of anywhere else, and play like you were a little girl again!

I had one of the best mornings I've had in a long time...my legs felt great and my spirit is renewed!

And I have one very tired dog now laying at my feet...its gunna be a good day!

**added this afternoon**

Brody and I also have a few too many ticks to prove we've "been there, done that"! ack!!

Lessons from the burning hayfield.

2010-02-28T16:37:00.007-05:00

Yesterday the hayfield received its yearly burning

(yes, the same hayfield I live on, yikes!)

It was fascinating and yet oddly moving.

Fire is captivating. It demands attention.

It's powerful stuff.

As my Dad was telling me about what was supposed to be happening and

why this fire was a good thing,

something started to move inside me.

Something that still has me quiet today.

The more my Dad explained, the more I began to wonder.

The more I wondered, the more I stirred.

The more I stirred, the more I needed to listen.

Come to find out, fire isn't all about destruction.

It's also about neutralizing.

It's also about purifying.

It's also about timing.

It's about a better harvest.

The un-cut grass (if not burned) can affect the growth this next summer.

It can smother, causing a lack of sunlight to permeate the ground.

It will keep the soil insulated (too cold) and delay new growth.

The winter growth will also tie up nutrients in the soil.

Once burned, the nutrients are on the

soil surface and available for the roots to use.

Burning the hayfield lessens the winter weed growth and helps to control the insects.

Ironically, the ash also supplies nutrients to the soil which

encourages a better growth for the summer.

But timing of the fire is important, for if done too early, the weeds and insects will

still find their way back before the spring.

The first hay growth/cutting after a burn usually results in very clean hay.

And this would be the goal.

So as I looked at the blackened grass this morning,

still captivated by the process,

I began to feel differently about what feels charred on the surface of my life.

There is something valuable happening below,

deep in the soil of my heart.

It's not all about destruction.

It's also about purifying.

Healthier soil.

Less weeds.

New growth.

And it gave me hope for that day!

A Planting of the Lord

2010-02-23T13:59:00.022-05:00

Once I started having boys, I quickly found myself anxious to have a girl.

It's not that I didn't love having boys so much, but it was more of what

I felt I was missing out on...

the dolls, the bows, the sugar and spice, the fun outfits, the pink, etc.

I was just sure I needed a girl, and I'm thankful God thought so to!

This little girl has taken this family to a new level.

As you will see, she has touched and changed every aspect of my life...

literally and figuratively!

I'm madly in love with her and

here's some of why:

One day she announced that she had gotten dressed to go "runny-ing"

(she's seen this happen a few times, she knows the routine apparently)

I laughed hysterically over her version of it.

I know she thinks she's doing it just like me, but I felt a few things needed clarifying...

First off, sorry Jane Fonda, but I Do NOT wear head bands.

I do however put "a" (like as in ONE) clip in my hair on occasion,

Madelyn thinks more is better.

I may wear long sleeve turtlenecks,

but I rarely forgo the running shorts to wear underwear only,

(ahem dear child...get some pants on!!)

Most days I aim for shoes on the right feet and I always wear socks!

She did however get one thing right...the smile is perfect!

Running makes me happy and I bounce out the door beaming

from ear to ear most every time I run!

You go girl!!

I also love how Maddie instinctively cares for her babies.

She daily gives them a bottle and takes them on walks down

the hallway in the stroller, but mostly she wraps them

up in her own "lovie" and snuggles them!

She often gazes at them and says "don't cry baby".

It warms my heart and I love how this shot catches

her looking at her baby, its so mothering!

Recently (for a week) Madelyn decided to reject her crib and would not

sleep in it! No way, no how.

I peeked in on her and found her fast asleep in the midst of all her toys.

Somehow, it was precious to me.

I also find it precious how her brothers (at times) care for her...

Andre had decided to help get Madelyn's potty set up for her

(this is the extra one I bought to put in the back of the suburban...

Mothers who have potty trained know why that's a life saver!)

and as he looked at the instructions upside down, he told Madelyn

step by step (all 3 of them) how to do it!

She said "ok...ok...ok..."

and then one day I left my coke on the table and later walked by to see this:

I mean, seriously? Is that not precious?

Who wouldn't rather drink a coke from a pink plastic tea cup on a saucer?

Thank you Maddie for looking out for me...I love how you think!

and speaking of precious, what about pink "snippers"...

every princess needs a pair of these right?!

She also loves to sit at my desk and act like she is "stuny-ing".

(I'm not sure where she gets her unhealthy love for post its,

its a mystery to me for sure)

and speaking of her "stuny-ing",

I often find her love for "decorating" my reading material.

Though it may frustrate me at times,

I secretly love it!

I thought this page was perfect and it wasn't by accident...

God reminds me in the smallest of ways.

Of all the pages that she could have "decorated",

she chose this one

and as I said "oh Maddie, please don't color on Mommies books...

then I read it...

a planting of the Lord

He had my attention...

my daughter and my 3 sons are clearly a "planting of the Lord" in my life

I was reminded of my deepest desire:

to water them well,

richly fertilize their soils

and protect them from the weeds...

and why would I do so?

Do you see there under the scribbling?

What God plants, He does so for the "display of his splendor".

That's why.

That moment from God would not be wasted on me.

the unmentionables

2010-02-08T13:07:00.007-05:00

I have a ton of laundry to do today. Sometimes I think I could do laundry everyday all day long and still have more to do. It's craziness I tell ya!
This morning I had one of those "oh dear heavens, I.HAVE.4.KIDS." moments. This is what threw me into that tailspin...

I know this is no news flash, I've had 4 kids now for 2 1/2 years...but I now have 4 kids wearing underwear! Some of the kids call them briefs or boxers, some call them underwear and under-roos, Maddie calls hers "princess pannies".

Never the less, as I stood there folding their "undergarments", I paused a moment and just stood there speechless. As I looked at them all lined up and in piles, I felt overwhelmed by the responsibility of each child. Each that needs clean clothes (or on some days that would be MOSTLY clean), each mouth that needs fed, each head of hair that needs cut, each heart that needs shepherding.

Dear God, thank you for these precious kids you've entrusted to me. And now please give me wisdom to know just exactly what I'm supposed to do with them!! I don't want to mess them up!

Ramblings of roots and the Mitzvot

2010-01-31T10:12:00.017-05:00

We are playing "hookie" from church this morning. I feel badly about it, we almost always go on Sunday mornings. I really should be there, and so should the kids. I need to be there actually, I need to get out of this house. But its cold outside, Andre has a green nose, my car doors are frozen and my hip is sore from attempting to open them yesterday (a little hip action does wonders for icy doors, sorta)! It seemed like a good reason to stay in today.

Plus, when I woke up this morning I could hardly move my jaw and my body felt like I had stayed in one position all night. I was stiff, sore and wondering if I really got any good sleep. I think my sleep was stressful and if I had my guess, it was because I was dreaming about my never ending pages of philosophy reading still waiting for me. Actually the 613 Mitzvot Commandments of the Modern Judaism faith has me bug-eyed! I was supposed to feel better when the prof says we shouldn't feel the need to memorize them all, just be very familiar with them! He must not have 4 little kids who want to practice their colors and drawing on the 25 pages of Mitzvot Commandments I had to print in order to get "very familiar" with all 613 of them!

Adding full time school into this life of full time mom, full time taxi driver, full time housekeeper and lately full time nurse for my sick kids... has been a big adjustment! My lack of sleep is starting to play a role in my ability to "be nice". I want to be nice, truly I do. But my niceness (I'm sure I saw that word in my books lately...and spelled just like that!) left when I realized that I would have to stay up till midnight every night in order to get this all done. And incidentally, the wooden spoon has made its way back into my life!

Just for examples sake, I just found Madelyn hiding in my bathroom as she unrolled the entire roll of scotch tape and has stuck it to the floor boards. Well, that is, what part of the tape she could get pulled out of her hair. And speaking of her hair, its stiff from the cereal that she spilled this morning all over herself and the kitchen floor. (She's beginning to remind me of Romona Quimby from my early reading days!) Once again, I want to be nice. I just can't find my nice Sunday voice when I discover another mess to clean! And somehow I fear that everything these days seems to equate to LESS SLEEP FOR ME!!

Anyways, I am actually taking a Christian counseling class this semester too. Actually, I'm taking 2 philosophy classes and 2 Christian counseling classes...the first set are for 8 weeks and then the second set for the other 8 weeks. The counseling classes are more "normal" for me and though they do require reading and watching lectures, Christian counseling ethics is not on the same brain hemisphere as the Mitzvot! Just saying.

Truthfully I'm not really sure what brain hemisphere I'm actually working off of lately. I had a not so intelligent moment come over me the other day that left me wondering about the space between my ears. I was carrying a 20 lb bag of potato's from the car to the kitchen and had the misfortune of the top part of the bag breaking. Some of the potato's fell out of the bag and rolled down the stairs and into the red dirt. My Dad happen to be standing there and being the really smart and intelligent thing that I am, I said "oh Dad, they fell into the dirt, do you think they're still good?". Dad gave me this odd facial expression and said "and so where did you think the others in the bag came from?". oh right. duh. But he ever so sweetly got under the porch, recovered the potato's for me and didn't say another word about it.

I came into the house, looked at those 2 pathetic roots and thought "Well, to heck with where potato's come from cause I'm busy getting very familiar with all 613 of the Mitzvot"!!

Jehovah Jireh- My provider

2010-01-12T13:31:00.023-05:00

(the whole "stand still, look at the camera and give me nice smiles please dear children" didn't go as I had envisioned in my head...this was the best we could do at the moment! And my face seems red? Yes well, you see I was exercising my newish ability to PICK MY STINKIN BATTLES!! It adds a nice holiday color to my face. Nice, eh?!)

I'm beginning to feel up to posting about our holidays. They really went well and though the anticipation was not as smooth for me personally (and my stomach was not thrilled)...when it came down to it, all was well!!

This is our first holiday season after the divorce. We had made the decision that we would spend the 24th-25th each year together, though many thought we were crazy. I pray that my children will one day recognize the gift they have been given to have parents who have managed this year with relatively minimal damage. No it hasn't all been easy. Things have happened and been said that were tough to walk through, but generally speaking I think we have done well. If I do say so myself!

The kids were excited to have us all together and I think they feel more at peace when the adults are able to set aside our differences and focus on enjoying the things that do bind us together...our 4 precious children! I see it in their faces and it warms my heart that their father and I can do this for them! I recognize that not every family can manage this, I pass no judgement on those who need to work things differently. But for us, though it was awkward at times, it was a blessing and I was extremely glad we did it!

There were even moments when I fought to keep the emotions down. I most definitely believe that God's provisions were at work. Divorce usually leaves both parties very angry and bitter. Though we all must work through these emotions, my holiday season was a testament to our Father...Jehovah Jireh (Yahwey Yireh)...the Lord that will provide our needs!

As we opened gifts together at my parents house (across the street), the kids each had gifts that they had bought (with their earned money), wrapped and labeled for me. It was precious! Here was Ramiro's and Andre's!
What mother doesn't want to remember that forever??

They had a little help from my parents...but you should have seen the 72 pieces of tape that Ramiro used to wrap my gift! I should have taken a picture of that too! Darn it!

After Christmas, the kids went back to Florida with their father. Though the parting was tough, everyone did fairly well. I ran and slept.

On December 31, 2009 I received word that I had fully been accepted into Liberty University and all my financial paperwork had been approved!! (I'm listed as a 6th year senior...some of us just need more time than others!!) I haven't mentioned this here on the blog yet...I wasn't sure what the outcome would be. Things were a bit touch and go there for awhile, I was starting to get the feeling that this wasn't "MY TIME". Just after Christmas I was informed that they would be sending my financial aid papers to the Department of Education and to expect the turn around to be around 2 weeks. Given the snow and business closings, there was concern that I wouldn't be able to start this semester.

Come to find out....Jehovah Jireh was at work again! What was expected to take 14 days, took 2!! And so it is, I am back in school. Back to what I love, and hate! So in a few days I will be buried deep into books and assignments...2 Christian counseling classes and 2 Philosophy classes! Sounds like fun eh?? The kids think its funny and Ramiro asks me everyday what grade this makes me...like 1st, 2nd or 3rd?

As the year came to a close, all I could get out of my heart was "God, I'm thankful that you are Jehovah Jireh, Lord of all I need". Though simple concept for some, it was a huge statement for me! I wasn't able to say that He was Lord of all I wanted. That isn't who God is...and that has been an incredibly difficult part of these past 2 years. But...He has provided something better, what I needed! He is Lord of all I need!! I'm finally able to see it HIS way and can feel the peace it brings. I'm thankful that He knows the difference, even though I still at times battle the distinction between the two!!

He knows what I don't and sees what I can't.

Jehovah Jireh...

you are the bright Star that changed the dark that Christmas night,

thank you for what you have provided in 2009!!

The "sensory child" without meds

2010-01-08T14:01:00.002-05:00

This is how you would play Guitar Hero if you were not able to take your medication...

and you had an SI Dysfunction!!

My precious child, Ramiro...who besides having ADHD, also has a Sensory Integration Dysfunction, takes two separate medications everyday in order to manage himself and keep things on an even keel! SID is where your sensory receptors and processing is all out of wack! What should be painful isn't...and what isn't somehow causes great pain! Those with SID are unsure of new things because they don't have previous experience in which to go on. Our senses are incredibly important to our experiences and how we relate to the world around us! Cotton balls used to throw Ramiro into melt down mode! But thankfully, there are meds now that help these children navigate their surroundings and allow them more normal sensations!

Thank God for them!

He is not one of those "over diagnosed- unnecessarily medicated" children...he NEEDS them and he is able to function normally in most all activities when he is on them!

However, for this weekend...we are without his afternoon medication, the one that really helps his sensory issues. These meds must be prescribed every month, with a paper script, picked up in person from the dr office and then taken to the pharmacy in person. Right now the dr office is closed, all roads to get to the office are closed, the pharmacy is open for a few hours today but I can't get off the mountain here to take them the script, if I had one. We are just out of luck!

The schools are closed and this is where it all went wrong...they have his meds!! ugh...why didn't I go get them when there was talk about the schools closing!!??

Well, I guess its cause I'm a bone head from Florida who didn't think "snow, ice, schools closing"!

So, here we are now... it is not even 20 degrees (wind chill makes it feel something like 15) and Ramiro has NO SHIRT on because its itchy (and he would be with no pants too if I would have let him...gotta draw the line somewhere!!) and he can not simply stand in front of the tv to play Guitar Hero! Turning around backwards and upside down to watch something moving on the tv would make my stomach a knotted mess. But for him (particularly when off meds)...this is totally normal!!

He is currently outside (and btw, he doesn't think its cold...another interesting thing with sensory kids) playing in the snow...but it took him some time to "warm up" to the idea. Yesterday he stayed inside the first half of the day and watched from the window. He wasn't sure about white stuff falling from the sky. He was so cute as he watched Dakota and Andre play and said "maybe I won't really like the white stuff on me". He later gave in and found out that it was in fact pretty darn fun!!

This is gunna be a very long weekend for all of us and make no mistake about it...this won't happen again!! I might have to beat down the nurses door at the school...but we won't be going without his meds again!!

Lint in my serger

2010-01-06T14:28:00.004-05:00

I am a "sew-er person"...as the kids call it. One who likes to sew things and enjoys sitting in front of a sewing machine or a serger. For those of you who have no inkling of an idea what a serger is...it is a fancier sewing machine that has 2 needles and 4 big spools of thread on the top. It is most commonly used to keep things from unraveling as you sew together 2 pieces of fabric. A sewing machine has only 1 needle, 1 top thread and then a smaller bobbin thread.

Lately I have been thinking about my serger. (No I'm not sewing anything right now... no emails for orders, please!*smiles*)

I've been thinking specifically about that darn lint...those dust balls that back themselves up in the motor and cause me all kinds of headaches. Literally and figuratively. A serger can look pretty clean on the surface... but the true test is when you open the flap to the motor and take inventory of the "behind the scenes". Whew, it can be downright ugly.

I have had many, many troubles with my darn serger, its threading and tension levels (and those who use a serger are all raising your hands on this one...) all because I hadn't taken the time to clean out the lint! I'd rather take out the trash than to clean the serger out! The nature of the beast is simple though...fabric gives off lint! That lint grows and will flat out stop all production of that serger! I've been amazed at how the smallest of lint balls can cause the biggest of hang ups!

Sewing machines are also sensitive to lint...they function better without the lint and fuzz all up in its stuff, but the thing about a serger is that there is more at stake. More threads, more needles. More area's for something to go wrong...and they do! The system is just more sensitive because more is going on! The threading on a serger is amazing and the complicated intertwining of the threads will simply not happen if lint has built up in the system.

So, maybe you see where I'm going with this, eh?

I'm becoming increasingly aware of how much our minds and emotions are like that serger! We've got a bunch of iron's in the fire, many responsibilities, many threads that are complicated in how they intertwine with each other. We are no different than the serger. We may look fairly polished and clean at first glance. But, don't you know we are professional bow adorners!! Most of us know all too well how to decorate up most anything! I know this by heart ya'll, I have taken the decorating classes myself and have quickly learned the art of the big red bow!! It makes the worst of things appear beautiful!! But its deceiving.

One little lint ball in the back corner of our mind...one area of pain that goes unattended...and we are fooling ourselves to think its not going to affect the finished product!

And there's this funny thing about lint and dust balls. They are magnetic!
Lint will attract more lint...they only become dust balls!

And so it is also true with our emotional health! Unresolved emotions, hurts, pains and disappointments will start out as lint...but make no mistake about it, all dust balls started out as LINT!! This stuff gets bigger. Bigger issues. More damage. The machine will quickly come to a screeching halt! And the more threads/commitments you have in your life...the halting comes sooner than later!! I promise.

I have come to a place in which I value the importance of emotional stability in my life! I recognize the need to clean out this mind and heart on a fairly consistent basis. I'm beginning to better know what my red flags are. The warning sign that remind me that I've over looked a piece of lint that is GROWING and must be cleared out!!

God wants nothing more than to see us in a place of health, physically and emotionally. He desires us to be well! He longs for us to come before Him with our minds and hearts. He believes in deep cleaning! He doesn't want us to learn how to tie pretty bows to cover our pains...He wants us to allow Him to remove the lint. He wants us to become students of our thoughts and emotions...so that we may recognize and address issues sooner than later!!

I have found Him to be the Wonderful Counselor! Yes I see a lady here to talk over some stuff that I don't understand yet. She's been helpful to show me the "root of the fruit". But I take it all to the Lord and ask Him to show me more and give me understanding and strength to work it through. And He does!

My dear friends...life is tough! If our minds and hearts are the needles and thread...life is the fabric. It can't help but to have lint to deal with! If we don't, it will surely hold us hostage. The enemy will see to it!

I truly believe we can have freedom from the things that keep us in chains. We don't have to be jealous, boastful, prideful, insecure, demanding, over bearing, or critical. We can be free from all that junk!!
Don't let the lint build up in your hearts.
Watch out for it because it settles when your not looking!

I am increaslingly aware that "we were meant for so much more" than LINTy lives!!

HAPPY New Year!

2010-01-02T10:00:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year!!

I've waved goodbye to 2009...

and gladly welcomed 2010!

As I sit here this morning at my desk, looking out the window at the snow (ok well heavy flurries) and the mountains, the wind is blowing like crazy. The trees are swaying and the flurries are blowing sideways!

Its beautiful!

Its heavenly!

It's home!

Most years, on New Years, I have spent much time thinking back over the year...the events, the memories, the highlights and not-so highlights. Seems like the thing to do I guess, and as I have looked over the blogs I follow... most of them are full of the same!

This year, I can't hardly do it. I've started to go there in my mind many of times and it quickly becomes too much.

Too much pain.

Too much sadness.

Too many memories.

Too many blessings.

Too many "God Moments".

2009 has been one of the hardest years of my life. So much so that when I think about it, my heart feels blank.

2009 has also been a year full of moments that only God could have orchestrated. His hand has been seen in every detail of my life that at times it has sent me into full out belly laughs! I have gone from gut-wrenching tears one moment to joyful laughter the next...because God had once again made provisions! It has blown me away!

I have many pictures from Christmas that I want to post, things that God has shown me, and moments that I want to recount...I will get to it all soon. I'm still trying to process it all, one piece at a time...one moment at a time!

2009 ended with a kiss from the Lord that has sent me into overwhelming emotions...once again, His provisions in the details of my life! I want to share them, and I will... but first, I need to spend time at the feet of my Father in adoration for all He has done! And, I still need time to make sense of it all.

From January 1, 2009 to January 1, 2010... this road has been like nothing I ever could have imagined. The deepest pains to the highest joys!

The road ahead still needs healing, still needs time to mend...but it looks brighter than I ever thought. It is full of God's goodness and His richest blessings...I see it! I believe it now more than ever!!

I am thankful that I can honestly say

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

The crowded shower

2009-12-13T16:53:00.009-05:00

One Sunday (when I lived in Florida) a dear sweet lady in our church, Ms. Prissy, said something to me I will never forget. After hearing the many things that had gone on that morning, just to get 4 kids and myself to church, she chuckled and said "Remember these days Jill, they will fly by so fast and soon you won't be able to remember them being so little...your gunna miss these days".

Though I do not remember specifically the events of that morning, I do remember the general gist of things...I was tired from the kids, frustrated with the kids, agitated at the kids, and had lost my "Sunday voice" while speaking to the kids! And it was only 9:30am. Yes, most definitely I was spent. My response to Ms. Prissy, "I'm just praying your right, that these days do fly by quickly and that I don't remember any of it!"

As I got into the shower this afternoon, (no, we didn't make it to church, big surprise here...the kids are sick) I just wanted to enjoy a few moments to hide behind a shower curtain. While in there, along with Noah and 2 of every living creature... I got thinking about this life of mine. Currently. Today. As it stands right now. Is Ms. Prissy right? Will I miss this?

I mean will I truly miss the need to kick the toys over to the other side of the shower in order to find one small space for my feet? Will I miss the fact that I again have no more shampoo because someone has poured it out while taking their bath...and therefore I am left to use Aveeno body gel on my hair? Or will I miss spending all morning cleaning up yet more mouse poop from under my sink and laundry room...while a trillion questions are asked about "mouse's" and all children wanting to see "mouse's poopie"? Will I ever miss opening up my chapstick and finding some little precious something of a child of mine has taken a bite out of it? And then when I go to use it, the entire thing falls to the floor! I mean, seriously?

Will I miss the 5 spilled bowls of cereal (that had just been poured) this week alone, that Andre insists flipped on its own? Or maybe the number of times I have said "boys please use your inside voices, put your feet on the floor while at the table, no more body slamming, put your clothes in the dirty hamper, this is not funny, and do you think we have a maid that lives here?" Will I miss that? Will I be lonely running alone and wish I had a jogger with a 30+ lb child in it to push? Or how about the stops to run back to get the passy she dropped a few feet back!

Will I find myself missing the hysteria over burping, armpit noises and other bodily sounds that boys seem to come out of the womb knowing how to make? Will I long for washing the car seat cover for the 4,443rd time because "I've got diarrhea coming out...already"? Will I miss having to change poopy diapers on the back of the suburban tailgate while Dakota drills me about the appropriateness of what I'm doing?

Will I miss having my vehicle look like we live in IT, verses the house? I'm wondering also about the toilet. Really? Will I be sad to find that no one urinates on the seat anymore? Will I miss cleaning the floor around the toilets daily and will I want to say yet again,"the hole in the toilet is bigger than your head, this should not be difficult!" Surely not.

Will I miss waking up only to find Ramiro has been up for some time rehanging every ornament on the tree...in rows? Will I ever, ever want to clean toothpaste artwork off the bathroom mirror again? Or maybe scrubbing Madelyn's face again trying to get the ColorStay lipstick off the center of her face (from eyebrows to chin) that she put on 3 days previously, and still looks just as bright as day 1....its good stuff I tell ya!! Will I miss cleaning all that?

Maybe when I've had several years of good sound sleep...maybe then I will miss these days and long for a household again that consists of many small children who need a tremendous amount of guidance...hour after hour, day after day, year after year!

Maybe someday I will miss all this, maybe. Till then, I suppose being exhausted is all part of making family memories. But for today, I just wanted a shower...minus Noah and his crew of "two-sies"!

"army"

2009-12-07T19:11:00.006-05:00

One thing my boys have always done is play "army". Fully decked out with whatever camo attire they can find...with no regard to whether it fits (or not), matches or look nice. The purpose is to be army men and to spy on the enemy which has entered their battlefield (aka the yard/woods), and attack if necessary. Over the years, I have been amazed how this game takes on a life of its own and how Dakota manages to train his brothers in appropriate "army" behavior.

The nerf gun here is to be noted...yes, "army" consists of guns that will be used for protection in the event of danger! Also of note, knee pads are extremely important for this troop to wear. They must spend a great deal of time in position on their knees, the fact that they are Elmo skateboard elbow pads is no problem, they work just as well! Often I find that they have rubbed dirt on their faces in order to better disguise themselves, you do know the enemy might detect their light skin and know who they are!!

The boys hide in ditches, trees, and more recently they have built an intricate fort to use as a shelter! They can be found hauling off extra scrap lumber into the woods to use as bridges across the creek (in my front yard) or to give added support to one of their forts!

Dakota of course is commander in chief! If you want to play, you must be willing to take instruction from him and play this his way! There is very little room for compromise and he tolerates only a small amount of disorganization in his army! He calls the shots, when to move and when to attack the enemy...all men in the troop will follow his commands!

This army is well trained, per Dakota's thinking...and therefore they successfully conquer most every battle! This is no bunch of losers here, they are out for the win! They come home exhausted, dirty, wet, stinky, bleeding, clothes torn but proud! They leave the house ready to battle the enemy and they come back hero's!

After they clean up and shower, I get the full run down of the incredible events that took place on the frontlines! The enemy was fierce, their troops were tough and huge...but Dakota and his brothers overcame them all! They persevered and didn't get scared...and as Dakota would tell you, it pays to be fast!!

Stones

2009-12-01T14:38:00.018-05:00

The sun rose
a new day began
This one was significant
this one would matter
This day would make all the difference

A woman
caught in sin
brought before the crowd
A crowd that stood ready with their stones
stones of judgement
stones of death

Her sin
per the law
worthy of execution
So the crowd asked,
"Teacher, this woman was caught
in the act of adultery...
the law commands us to stone
such a woman,
what do you say?"

Jesus bent down
took his finger
he began writing in the dirt

The woman
though she stood in the crowd
stood all alone
She must have hung her head
turning it to one side
ashamed
embarrassed
avoiding eye contact
She was afraid
humiliated
guilty

Though she stood
waiting for judgement
I'm sure
she already felt
plenty of that

Can you feel
the lump in her throat?
the sick in her stomach?
the tears that were
about to erupt?
Can you sense that she feared
loosing her composure
while on display?
I can

Time must have felt as if it stopped
every eye burned
every move felt
every murmur
shot like an arrow
through her heart

The questions continued
Jesus stood
saying to the crowd
"If any one of you is without sin,
let him be the first
to throw a stone
at her"

Then again he stooped down
continuing with his finger in the dirt

What was he doing?
Writing?
Drawing?
Unfortunately, we don't know

Yesterday
a thought crossed my mind
and I can't ignore it

Could it be
the very thing
He was etching into the dirt
was a cross?
For He knew
what would come of it

A symbol
Hate at its worst
Love at its best

A cross
meant to kill
meant for darkness
But with Christ
it would become light
That teacher
would give the cross life!

That very moment
that woman
before the crowd
was at her cross

The Bible says
as the crowd heard
what Jesus said-
one at a time
they began to leave

He didn't say
"if you are without THIS sin"
He said
"if you are without sin"
They dropped their stones
turned
and left her alone

I can see her face lift
just slightly
I can feel her heart
begin to rapidly beat again
I know that moment
when a crowd
chooses not to condemn

I've been there with her
that woman
many years ago
No, not the same situation
different circumstances
but I was caught in sin
And so I stood
before a congregation
ashamed
guilty
with a heart heavy
from judgement
With one request
Forgiveness

I know the humiliation
the embarrassment
the shame
I too, hung my head

A wise man said to me
his name, Pastor Ken
"Jill your sin is no different than ours,
we're just able to hide ours, for now"

That moment never erases
never forgotten
And I praise God for it!

I, like this woman
was never hit with a stone
and thankfully
the crowd I stood before
didn't leave

Instead
they stood
to their feet
One by one
they began to clap

It felt like music
a love song that flooded my heart
and held me tight
My behavior
wasn't condoned
but nor
was I being condemned

I was offered a gift
that day
just like this woman
A gift that freed
the captive
A gift that healed
the hurting
Forgiveness
Love at its best

It was an incredible lesson
I'm sure that woman
knows it too
It will change how you look
at the choices of another

And so
my prayer:
may I always choose to leave
the stones on the ground
Leaving the judgement
to the One
without sin!

Father,
I want empty hands
yet a heart
full of forgiveness.

Blind spots

2009-11-23T14:05:00.012-05:00

Ok, so I promise this will be over soon...more pictures, less talking!
I promise!
I have some great pics to show and the kids are just growing leaps and bounds!! Oh and that Madelyn of mine...she is just something else...she's everything I dreamed of in a girl, and so much more! Love being her Mommy!!

I know I had mentioned at the end of the last post that I would be on the subject of guarding your hearts. Scratch that. Change of plans. Something else came up that I just thought I should add. Big surprise, I know.

The past several days, I have been pondering the issue of "blind spots". You know that place (in which we all have to some degree) that we just can't see? Things about ourselves that we are blind to. Maybe we just flat out don't want to see them either. But regardless, they are there!

Certainly some of us are just more naive than others, that does cause some blindness, some lack of ability to see things that are staring us in the face. But there is a certain blind spot that I believe can be a result of some unresolved issues (wounds) that leave us vulnerable! Deep hurt can manifest itself in such a way that it can affect most every area of our life...and do so without our ability to see it for what it really is...unresolved emotional baggage! Just change lanes, without a glance back, and shockingly find yourself in a heap of danger!! Been there? Me too!

I can see how relationships are huge when it comes to this. We may have unknowingly allowed ourselves to be in a relationship that in fact was very damaging...maybe even self destructive . I've had to really self evaluate my relationships...is there a theme? A common thread that seems to be familiar? Do we tend to find needy people? Do we seem to BE the needy one and therefore wear out people? Do we gravitate towards healthy, stable people with reasonable boundaries? Or do we find those who quickly set up expectations of us and have little awareness of someone else's feelings? Satan knows these areas of blind weakness and he will put people there in our blind spot to wreck us!

It also occurs to me that we also may find ourselves in someone else's blind spot. We can be blind enough to not see the potential danger of someone else's issues that we most certainly need no part of! These are accidents just waiting to happen! The enemy is all over stuff like this...and its an easy target because we don't see it at first!

If you have spent any time in the Gospels, you know Jesus does a lot of healing...and oddly enough, He is sympathetic to blindness! You will find it over and over again, "Jesus heals the blind"!

Matthew 20:32-34
Jesus stopped and called them (two blind men). "What do you want me to do for you?" he asked. "Lord, we want our sight", they answered. Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed them.

Right now, at this time in my life...I see that we are the blind man! We need to come to a point in which we recognize our blindness so we can ask for healing. Jesus asks "What do you want me to do for you?"...not because He didn't know what the blind man needed. He asked because He wants us to come to the point of seeing that we have needs, weaknesses, and blindness that only He can heal! He wants us humble enough to say "Lord, I want to see".

Jesus' touch is the only source of healing.
He know our blindness is dangerous and self destructive! Jesus will reveal to us the root issues behind our weaknesses...the truths of our blind spots. He wants to restore sight and give healthy vision. And I have found Him to be faithful in that promise!

But don't miss the last sentence, its huge...they received their sight and followed Him! God heals so that we may follow Him.

Our sight is imperative to moving forward, out of the darkness and in the direction of the Light!!
Our Heavenly Father will always be the Light to the blind!!

I have found my way out of a lot of darkness. And it hasn't been easy. I have spent a great deal of time reading, writing and praying. Everything I've asked God to help me understand...He has or He has in very specific ways said "I've got that Jill, don't worry about it". I can hardly type that without the tears emerging...some day I may share some of those, but for now...I want to encourage those of you who find yourself in some tough places...ask God for insight! You need sight before you can have insight!! He is the Wonderful Counselor...trust Him for He has 20/20 vision!!

With ALL my heart

2009-11-19T10:05:00.015-05:00

I've pondered this long and hard. I've read books about it, prayed through the truths of it and cried a lot over it. Why my purse with holes (read this if your lost)? Why was my heart in need of healing in the first place? Where did it go wrong?

I've wondered what makes us so vulnerable to an infection that spreads throughout our heart and results in one bad decision after another? What trait in my personality finds me a front row seat on this roller coaster? Again and again. Beth Moore talks about this very thing in her book "Get out of that PIT"...what keeps us jumping from one self destructive pit to another? Pits that hold us hostage; emotionally, physically and spiritually?

Truthfully, I do not understand it all yet. Every one of us has different experiences and situations that factor into those questions. I'm not sure there is a cookie cutter answer here, but I have recently begun to see layers unfold that helps the fog disappear.

For those who may be able to relate to my more recent posts, who personally have felt the same symptoms...my suspicion is that somewhere along the line, some event (or events) occurred that wounded. Something painful took place that left its mark emotionally, and maybe for some physically.

I've discovered a harsh truth about wounds...they don't go away. Unfortunately, the opposite is most likely to occur. If left untreated, wounds grow. Deeper and wider. This area which is left open has great potential for becoming a breading ground for infection. And if we know anything about emotional infections...it is that they are just like bacteria, they spread.

Denial of the situation has not proven to do anything but lengthen the time of healing. I personally know this to be excruciatingly true! The symptoms will surface in one way or another. They are not the kind of thing that will lay dormant forever. And they are sneaky at times. Over the years they seem to show up in different colors, different shapes and sizes.

The trouble here for me was this....I didn't recognize my repeat failures as being connected to wounds that needed healing. I see it now, the undercurrent is there. And by failures, I don't mean a poor grade on a test. I mean wrong, self destructive decisions that are made over and over again...but are disguised by different circumstances. Truthfully, I wouldn't make the exact same mistake twice (well, ok maybe I would!). But typically, they each had some element that felt different. So of course I would have hope that it was going to turn out differently. It never did. The reason being...healing was needed, not a different set of circumstances!!

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you", declares the Lord,"and will bring you back from captivity".

Over time we become so used to this septic (filled with infection) way of feeling/living...that is seems normal and we develop a messed up sense of "normal". My friends, Christ did not say He planned heartache for us. He did not promise us a lifetime of self destruction and insecurity. We were not created for this unhealthy lifestyle, this septic heart that doesn't remember anything but inner turmoil and can never feel full.

As I was laying in bed one night, I felt my Father burn this into my mind...This is NOT A PERSONALITY TRAIT, this is a wound that the enemy has hung his "extended stay" sign on. Stubbornness is a personality trait, a heart that is wounded is not.

The enemy sets up camp in those vulnerable places. He is the one who wants that wound to destroy us. His intention is to keep that thing, that pain festering and wrapping chains around our lives! Captivity! The scissors are in his hands...he's cutting the holes bigger and bigger!

God promised us, as His children, that if we would seek Him with all our heart (holes and all!) that we would find Him! And through that seeking and finding...He would be set free from our own captivity! Ya'll I've just got to tell you what has convicted me over the past many months...most of my life I have sought God half heartedly but expected a whole hearted response!! I'm here to tell you this evening...it hasn't worked well for me!

Over the past 1-2 years, I have begun this incredible journey of seeking and finding. But this time, I seek with the full intention to do so with ALL MY HEART! I promise, it will lead you to freedom in Christ. Freedom in areas you may not even know you were captive to! God does make all things new. I have found Him to be the best seamstress I've ever found! Not to mention that His table is the safest place to open up your heart!!

He is the healer from captivity!!

(next time I will be addressing the "guarding of our hearts" that started this whole thing to begin with!!....whew....thanks for hanging in there with me!!)

Pictures of us

2009-11-15T14:55:00.013-05:00

These are random...it takes too long to move them around, sorry!! Here is Madelyn for Halloween! She thought she was something else...and loved being all dittied up!!

Ramiro and I at Madelyn's 2nd birthday party!!

I live on my parents hay field...hay season is a crazy time....its hot, sticky and these weigh 60lb or so a piece!!

This is my yard!! 650 bales of hay!!

Sweet Home Alabama!!

This was just the beginning of fall...a few weeks ago!! This is what surrounds my house...mountains and open land!!

Andre and I at his 5th birthday party...this is my kitchen and things were a mess b/c we were still moving in!

Madleyn at my Granny's pool.

This was the front of my house back before we were able to move in. The little boys were very helpful with leveling out the dirt! I will post a newer picture soon of what it looks like now...big difference!

I will post pics inside the house soon as well!

This is the other end of the hay field, looking back at my house! Hay season means that I will have many trucks, tractors and men in overalls in my driveway and yard...this is country living!!

Dad's toys! And don't you know, I'm gunna learn to drive these baby's...one day!!

Andre at Granny's pool!

Dakota posing with his basketball coach from summer b-ball camp!! Funny though...I went to high school with this guy...now he's teaching my kids!

A purse with holes.

2009-11-09T13:21:00.018-05:00

Sometimes I am amazed at my inbox. I have found myself in tears over most of them. Partly in shock that people care to read the blog (especially since there are no pictures right now...still in pursuit of working that issue), but also burdened by the knowledge that most of us struggle with the same set of emotions though we all experience different circumstances. Most of us can relate to hurt, we can relate to bad choices, we can relate to God's calling in our lives, and we can remember times of great growth through painful trials! To those of you who have shared parts of your life with me...please know that I find myself thinking of you often and praying for God's guidance over you. I do not take them lightly.

I have always had a passion for the hurting. I can remember specific events in my childhood and youth that have burdened my heart so deeply that they still to this day stir up emotions in the inner most part of my being. I believe those events have helped to pave the way and lead me to where I am today, a burden for the brokenhearted! Everything from hearing cries for help from a dumpster I walked by, a drunk who tripped and fell on the sidewalk just ahead of me, or a family who waits in the ICU waiting room while their daughter barely clings onto life. They have all had an impact and serve as a reminder that compassion is a tender thing!

As I have pondered over what I would say about this journey of being "under the knife" of God's healing over my heart... I want to say this first: I have not gotten through this yet. I pray that I'm making headway and that I am coming close to truly being set free from some illnesses that have plagued my heart. I can only share what I have experienced (though I do so without details of specific events), and where God has directed my thoughts. Each of us come to Him with a very different set of needs and unique experiences...my prayer is that through sharing where I have been with Him, you will be encouraged to seek Him for yourself! To go before Him with your own heart and lay it down at His table! I do not have great words of wisdom. But I feel led to share what God is doing in my life...and I'm still under the conviction that this is more for my benefit than yours!

I believe that I have come to this time of heart surgery much like a patient who begins to notice symptoms of something that just doesn't seem right. At first, it doesn't seem like much. No big deal, hardly paying it any attention. Later you notice it again. Still no biggie. Strangely there were other times (maybe long periods of time) in which you completely forgot about it...for the symptoms never showed themselves, or that you could recognize at least. Maybe it was a fluke (denial causes blindness!). But then some time later it reappears...maybe just as before or maybe by now it looks very different.

As I look back over the past 10-13 years, I notice this to be my story. I can see the symptoms that were visible back many, many years ago. I notice times that they didn't seem to be as evident...though I'm sure they were there all along. More recently, I came to a point when the symptoms just couldn't be ignored anymore! For me, the breaking moment was a huge crisis in my personal life. It was a time in which the devistation of the crisis caused the floodgates of years of pain and hurt to fly open with great force!! Why these bad choices (over and over again), why these crazy emotions, why tearful outbursts that seemed to have no trigger, why the feeling that my emotional needs were never met, why running to things that self destruct? Why? Here's why.

Haggai 1:5-6
"...give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it."

This verse came to me almost a year ago...and wouldn't you know, our pastor preached on it yesterday!! This verse is where it all began to click for me. I (unknowingly) was searching to fill...only to remain empty. I was hungry for something, I thought it was something the right guy could give. I was thirsty and I found the wrong cup to drink out of. I hid behind many garments (and relationships), still cold inside. Not only was my purse full of holes...so was my heart.

The truth became clear...there was some mending that needed to take place. Strongholds had found their way into my life while I was searching for outside means in which to fill an inside hunger. An unsatisfied soul is a dangerous place and the consequences will tear the thing to shreds! It is true that we can not be sold something if we are satisfied! And when we are not, the FOR SALE sign sits infront of the enemy!!

Hence where I ended up with the heart condition I've talked about earlier! My heart has been bound up with things like insecurities, fears, a roller coaster of sin, emotional needs that no human could fill, hurt, intense anger, ocd, denial, etc. Need I continue?

These were the symptoms. The root issue here was not the guy I was dating, the job I had, the friends I was with (though they weren't helping the situation). These symptoms are ones that scream from a heart that is hurting and in need of the Fathers healing. These symptoms cry out from a soul that needs a deep, personal relationship with the "right guy"...God!!

In the next post I will share specifically what I have come to understand about why heart problems start in the first place. Why are we so vulnerable to it? Did a specific event leave a wound that infected?

I will also share how God has brought some healing in my life and what He is continuing to show me about guarding my heart!!

FYI...It's not really about keeping everyone out. It's more about letting the right things in and keeping the wrong things out!

Under the knife.

2009-11-01T18:19:00.019-05:00

Proverbs 4:23
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." NIV

" Keep your heart with all diligence, for out if it spring the issues of life." NKJV

"Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts." The Message

Recently, this verse has been sitting in the front row of my mind...I've tried to ignore it...and it's darn persistent. Reminds me of someone I know very well....ahem.....so I've given in. Here's whats come of it.

If you are like me, maybe you have noticed that heart conditions can be ignored for some time. Maybe from denial, maybe from plain old stubbornness, maybe the symptoms were not loud enough to warrant the attention needed. But eventually, heart conditions (which never heal on their own!) will demand attention and if it flat out doesn't kill us first...we will be faced with a serious moment of decision.

That moment may come at any given time. It may look like a crisis or it may just be a "rude awakening". But let there be no mistake, it will come and it will be intentional. An unhealthy heart will not sit silently forever!

The symptoms? Oh, they are many. Pain, numbness, tightness of chest, irritability, lightheaded or unclear thinking...are a few. But what about...bad attitudes, perpetual bad choices, unforgiveness, sin, pride, defiance, anger, gossip disguised in many different forms, lack of desire for God's word, nonexistent/sporadic prayer life, trouble setting boundaries, etc. Recognize any of those?

What if I added blindness to the list of symptoms of an unhealthy heart? The lack of ability to see things as God would have us. Something that affects how we see but also what we don't see! It's a little less obvious, but its not to be forgotten!! It's a killer!

So do you see yourself here? Anything seem familiar?

It does for me. I know some of these issues well. Very well actually.

The diagnosis: It's a condition of the heart, a heart problem...yes,an unhealthy heart. Maybe for some of us, the damage is significant enough to be called "heart disease". Whatever you might want to call it...its a SICK HEART THAT'S IN NEED OF HEALING!!

I have recently sat before my Master Physician and heard the diagnosis for myself. It's not fun. I didn't like it. I wanted to ask for a second opinion and give my 2 cents worth. He wasn't impressed!

The long and short of it is this...I have a choice to make.
1) Ignore it.
2) Repair it.

My dear friends, after several days of kicking and screaming, I've opted for heart surgery. I want this thing repaired. I am sick and tired of working the same issues, the same sin, the same feelings, and same bad ideas over and over again. I'm tired of being the one hurting and disappointed. I'm ready to get over and heal that thing that keeps this vicious cycle going! And it promises to do just that if its given a band aid instead of healing! I know this one "by heart", I promise!!

So, I surrender to the knife of my Father.
Lord, I'm at your mercy. I lay before you, at your table, just as I am. Hurt, broken, sinful and in need of repair. You are the Master Physician and the healer of our hearts. For you sent your Son to "heal the brokenhearted and to bind up our wounds". Remove that which is damaged. Take what is hindering my growth. Give me wisdom so I may see what is needed in order to be what you created me for. I trust your hand.

I begin this journey "under the knife" because God has burdened my heart to do so. But, I have become increasingly aware of the wide spread heart damage that our society has endured. Our churches have suffered, our youth are in crisis, and our families are falling apart! My suspicion is this: we are all in need of a little heart work! If in doubt, watch the news! So, if you would like to join me in this...please do. As always, I love to hear from you. I will be studying this verse (listed above) as well as others that pertain to guarding our hearts and healing, for I am totally convinced that the guarding of our hearts is just as crucial as the healing! I will continue to share this journey with you here on this blog over the next several weeks, or however long God sees fit. Or course, His timing looks a bit different than mine most times!

There is a battle over your heart! It is real and it is war! The enemy knows that it is the most critical place for attack...for our hearts are the very place where God connects Himself to us!! It is the most real, the most intimate part of who we are! Our hearts should not belong to just whatever and whoever offers to fill it! Our hearts belong to Him...let the surgery begin!!
Healing awaits us!

Finger Prints

2009-10-20T09:36:00.022-04:00

I have a notebook, some would maybe call a journal, that I have used throughout this year to write things I couldn't write here...on this blog.

I have recently been looking over the pages, and line by line I have revisited some of the painful parts of this past year. Though they have brought back thoughts that stir up sadness and moments that I can hardly stand to embrace....I have seen something that I've never seen before. But, I see it now. They are there. On each page and ironically right next to the tears that have stained each line... finger prints. Not of my own, but of my Father... the One who promises to carry us when we can not walk. The One who sees us through the toughest parts of our lives. God's presence in my pain and His peace in the midst of gut wrenching decisions is seen all over my notebook. The imprint of His finger...His touch and His hand was at work.

On one particular day (Nov. 7, 2008) I wrote this:
In my isolation, God is revealing the truth of Himself to me. And at the same time, He is softly revealing to me the truth of my own self!

These were tough times and it wasn't pretty...the reality is, I had God all wrong! I had missed it big time. For most of my life, I had thought of God as my "clean up crew". My personal janitor, if you will. The one I would call for when I had a "spill in isle 4"!! Usually that would have resembled something more like a flood than a spill! (ahem)

I remember that day all too well. I sobbed. I confessed. I sobbed some more. I asked for forgiveness. The creator of the universe, the beginning and the end of everything we know...I had appointed as janitor. The one who was needed only when I had made a mess of things. And after He had done His job (in my opinion), I would politely thank Him and go about my business again of running my own life...though I wasn't doing it very well.

How righteous of me. How awful and downright embarrassing! And it still is really. I was ashamed but thankful for His patience. I kinda laugh now when I think of how many times He may have been hitting me over the head with the mop and bucket...trying to get my attention while in isle 4!!

Part of the revealing to me the truth of my own self brought me to many conclusions...one day I wrote this, "I've known how to run to God, but I've not figured out how to live for God". The difference is huge! And I had missed it completely!

In those moments of journaling, God began to rework my thinking. My thinking of who He is, as well as my thinking of who I am. He began to show me things that I never knew I had wrong. He unfolded an idea of a "personal relationship" with Him that I had missed somewhere along the line. He gently handed back the name tag I had put on Him that read "Jill's janitor" and allowed me to rewrite a new one that now reads "Jill's Savior".

I still struggle to get this all figured out! I know I have much to learn about how to live for God on a daily basis. But as I flip through these pages of my journal, I am incredibly humbled that He would be willing to walk this journey with me. I'm thankful that His finger prints were there all along...right there next to each tear as it hit the page! For I can't find a tear stain that doesn't have His finger print covering it! The perfect imprint of a finger that comes from a nail pierced hand!! That, my dear friends, is one awesome Savior!!

The more I seek you

2009-10-16T14:16:00.002-04:00

...just listen to it...

The more I seek you...
the more I find you.

The more I find you...
the more I love you!!

Thank you Jesus!

The blank page.

2009-10-04T18:24:00.009-04:00

I've stared at this blank page now for far too long.
I've started putting together a few ideas, only to erase them all.
It feels complicated today.

I think I just like the blank page better.
It's fresh. It's clean. Free of clutter.
Empty yet fully available.

I don't know if its possible to post a blank page.
But if I could, I would.
Just for today.

I like the room to think a new thought.
A place to start over.
New life for tired ideas.

Just to give myself space to see blank.
A small break from the past.
And freedom for the future.

Is blank really empty?
Maybe.
Today that feels ok too.

The blank page also feels available.
Available for the ink of my Father's pen.
His hand writing upon my heart.
His words into my life.

So let me stare a little longer at the blank page.
Let me see the open space a minute more.
I want to feel His presence in this moment.
To know the beauty of the blank page.

Restoration

2009-09-23T09:52:00.015-04:00

These days one of the questions I get regularly, either from friends back in Florida or from someone I 've met new here in Alabama, is " how are you doing with all this?". And truly I think we are doing well. Have there been a few snags in the process? Most definitely. Are there still moments when this all feels so big and more than I bargained for? Absolutely. But overall, I feel that things have gone reasonably well and though there are still moments of confusion and great sadness, the kids and I are beginning to mesh together well and this new life is feeling more manageable. I feel blessed and can see His touch in many of the details that have fallen into place.

Today, I wanted to share one way in which I am sensing God's presence in my new circumstances. From time to time I become aware that I feel somewhat numb and detached from myself. It's a tad frightening for one like me, but I try to remind myself that feelings are like the wind...you can't always predict them nor can you count on them remaining the same for very long. Then other times out of the clear blue, something hits me deeply, my heart is stirred and I become optimistic that things are beginning to come around. Healing is a process full of ups and downs...good days and really crappy ones. This process may be slow, but I feel as if I am moving in the right direction.

I need to rewind a second and say that early in the beginning stages of my divorce...when the emotions were very high, the pain was bleeding over and fear of the unknown was surrounding me like a thick fog...I remember one morning out on a run in which I was praying over my burdens. At this particular time, I felt like I was living life in a foam pit. You know those? Anyone who has participated in gymnastics knows exactly what I'm referring to. The pit is deep (though your not exactly sure how deep), its wide and it is full of foam blocks that make it a challenging task to move anywhere, let alone to get over to the side! Typically the edge is not far off but as you begin to move you clearly realize the struggle that lies before you. I was quickly becoming consumed with "foam blocks" that kept derailing my progress of forward motion...emotionally and physically.

As I was running/praying this one day, I became aware of how easy it would be to become completely self consumed in my own grief. Crawling up into a ball of my own pain. My own brokenness and my own dispare. It would be somewhat reasonable to build walls around my hurt and shut everyone out, or to jail myself in...however you may look at it! Intense pain does that without our awareness sometimes. If we are not watching for it, it is a sure possibility. It seems our hearts are quick to protect us from further pain, but the reality is it can also be a road block to our healing if we stay hidden behind the hurt too long.

That day my prayer began to sound something like this, "Lord, don't allow my heart to become so withdrawn, so pained and self consumed that I miss the pain of those around me. Give me the ability to feel their pain despite my own. Allow me the strength to give of myself emotionally when my own "giver" is empty. The world is full of hurting people...may I be able to walk along side of them. For you have comforted not for me to be comfortable, but for me to be a comforter!!"

The irony of it all is that I can now see how God is using my pain and brokenness to allow me to see the hurting people around me. It is through my own sadness that I feel the desire to encourage those who are walking a road that seems unbearable. Somehow I sense that it is what He is using to heal my own broken heart and bring joy back into my life. I see now that my pain and sorrow may be the very tool He calls me to use to reflect His hope and joy to others. In return, my own heart will mend...I will find restoration and draw closer to the One who continues to redeem my life!