The crowded shower

One Sunday (when I lived in Florida) a dear sweet lady in our church, Ms. Prissy, said something to me I will never forget. After hearing the many things that had gone on that morning, just to get 4 kids and myself to church, she chuckled and said "Remember these days Jill, they will fly by so fast and soon you won't be able to remember them being so little...your gunna miss these days".

Though I do not remember specifically the events of that morning, I do remember the general gist of things...I was tired from the kids, frustrated with the kids, agitated at the kids, and had lost my "Sunday voice" while speaking to the kids! And it was only 9:30am. Yes, most definitely I was spent. My response to Ms. Prissy, "I'm just praying your right, that these days do fly by quickly and that I don't remember any of it!"

As I got into the shower this afternoon, (no, we didn't make it to church, big surprise here...the kids are sick) I just wanted to enjoy a few moments to hide behind a shower curtain. While in there, along with Noah and 2 of every living creature... I got thinking about this life of mine. Currently. Today. As it stands right now. Is Ms. Prissy right? Will I miss this?

I mean will I truly miss the need to kick the toys over to the other side of the shower in order to find one small space for my feet? Will I miss the fact that I again have no more shampoo because someone has poured it out while taking their bath...and therefore I am left to use Aveeno body gel on my hair? Or will I miss spending all morning cleaning up yet more mouse poop from under my sink and laundry room...while a trillion questions are asked about "mouse's" and all children wanting to see "mouse's poopie"? Will I ever miss opening up my chapstick and finding some little precious something of a child of mine has taken a bite out of it? And then when I go to use it, the entire thing falls to the floor! I mean, seriously?

Will I miss the 5 spilled bowls of cereal (that had just been poured) this week alone, that Andre insists flipped on its own? Or maybe the number of times I have said "boys please use your inside voices, put your feet on the floor while at the table, no more body slamming, put your clothes in the dirty hamper, this is not funny, and do you think we have a maid that lives here?" Will I miss that? Will I be lonely running alone and wish I had a jogger with a 30+ lb child in it to push? Or how about the stops to run back to get the passy she dropped a few feet back!

Will I find myself missing the hysteria over burping, armpit noises and other bodily sounds that boys seem to come out of the womb knowing how to make? Will I long for washing the car seat cover for the 4,443rd time because "I've got diarrhea coming out...already"? Will I miss having to change poopy diapers on the back of the suburban tailgate while Dakota drills me about the appropriateness of what I'm doing?

Will I miss having my vehicle look like we live in IT, verses the house? I'm wondering also about the toilet. Really? Will I be sad to find that no one urinates on the seat anymore? Will I miss cleaning the floor around the toilets daily and will I want to say yet again,"the whole in the toilet is bigger than your head, this should not be difficult!" Surely not.

Will I miss waking up only to find Ramiro has been up for some time rehanging every ornament on the tree...in rows? Will I ever, ever want to clean toothpaste artwork off the bathroom mirror again? Or maybe scrubbing Madelyn's face again trying to get the ColorStay lipstick off the center of her face (from eyebrows to chin) that she put on 3 days previously, and still looks just as bright as day 1....its good stuff I tell ya!! Will I miss cleaning all that?

Maybe when I've had several years of good sound sleep...maybe then I will miss these days and long for a household again that consists of many small children who need a tremendous amount of guidance...hour after hour, day after day, year after year!

Maybe someday I will miss all this, maybe. Till then, I suppose being exhausted is all part of making family memories. But for today, I just wanted a shower...minus Noah and his crew of "two-sies"!

"army"

One thing my boys have always done is play "army". Fully decked out with whatever camo attire they can find...with no regard to whether it fits (or not), matches or look nice. The purpose is to be army men and to spy on the enemy which has entered their battlefield (aka the yard/woods), and attack if necessary. Over the years, I have been amazed how this game takes on a life of its own and how Dakota manages to train his brothers in appropriate "army" behavior.

The nerf gun here is to be noted...yes, "army" consists of guns that will be used for protection in the event of danger! Also of note, knee pads are extremely important for this troop to wear. They must spend a great deal of time in position on their knees, the fact that they are Elmo skateboard elbow pads is no problem, they work just as well! Often I find that they have rubbed dirt on their faces in order to better disguise themselves, you do know the enemy might detect their light skin and know who they are!!

The boys hide in ditches, trees, and more recently they have built an intricate fort to use as a shelter! They can be found hauling off extra scrap lumber into the woods to use as bridges across the creek (in my front yard) or to give added support to one of their forts!

Dakota of course is commander in chief! If you want to play, you must be willing to take instruction from him and play this his way! There is very little room for compromise and he tolerates only a small amount of disorganization in his army! He calls the shots, when to move and when to attack the enemy...all men in the troop will follow his commands!

This army is well trained, per Dakota's thinking...and therefore they successfully conquer most every battle! This is no bunch of losers here, they are out for the win! They come home exhausted, dirty, wet, stinky, bleeding, clothes torn but proud! They leave the house ready to battle the enemy and they come back hero's!

After they clean up and shower, I get the full run down of the incredible events that took place on the frontlines! The enemy was fierce, their troops were tough and huge...but Dakota and his brothers overcame them all! They persevered and didn't get scared...and as Dakota would tell you, it pays to be fast!!

Stones

The sun rose
a new day began
This one was significant
this one would matter
This day would make all the difference

A woman
caught in sin
brought before the crowd
A crowd that stood ready with their stones
stones of judgement
stones of death

Her sin
per the law
worthy of execution
So the crowd asked,
"Teacher, this woman was caught
in the act of adultery...
the law commands us to stone
such a woman,
what do you say?"

Jesus bent down
took his finger
he began writing in the dirt

The woman
though she stood in the crowd
stood all alone
She must have hung her head
turning it to one side
ashamed
embarrassed
avoiding eye contact
She was afraid
humiliated
guilty

Though she stood
waiting for judgement
I'm sure
she already felt
plenty of that

Can you feel
the lump in her throat?
the sick in her stomach?
the tears that were
about to erupt?
Can you sense that she feared
loosing her composure
while on display?
I can

Time must have felt as if it stopped
every eye burned
every move felt
every murmur
shot like an arrow
through her heart

The questions continued
Jesus stood
saying to the crowd
"If any one of you is without sin,
let him be the first
to throw a stone
at her"

Then again he stooped down
continuing with his finger in the dirt

What was he doing?
Writing?
Drawing?
Unfortunately, we don't know

Yesterday
a thought crossed my mind
and I can't ignore it

Could it be
the very thing
He was etching into the dirt
was a cross?
For He knew
what would come of it

A symbol
Hate at its worst
Love at its best

A cross
meant to kill
meant for darkness
But with Christ
it would become light
That teacher
would give the cross life!

That very moment
that woman
before the crowd
was at her cross

The Bible says
as the crowd heard
what Jesus said-
one at a time
they began to leave

He didn't say
"if you are without THIS sin"
He said
"if you are without sin"
They dropped their stones
turned
and left her alone

I can see her face lift
just slightly
I can feel her heart
begin to rapidly beat again
I know that moment
when a crowd
chooses not to condemn

I've been there with her
that woman
many years ago
No, not the same situation
different circumstances
but I was caught in sin
And so I stood
before a congregation
ashamed
guilty
with a heart heavy
from judgement
With one request
Forgiveness

I know the humiliation
the embarrassment
the shame
I too, hung my head

A wise man said to me
his name, Pastor Ken
"Jill your sin is no different than ours,
we're just able to hide ours, for now"

That moment never erases
never forgotten
And I praise God for it!

I, like this woman
was never hit with a stone
and thankfully
the crowd I stood before
didn't leave

Instead
they stood
to their feet
One by one
they began to clap

It felt like music
a love song that flooded my heart
and held me tight
My behavior
wasn't condoned
but nor
was I being condemned

I was offered a gift
that day
just like this woman
A gift that freed
the captive
A gift that healed
the hurting
Forgiveness
Love at its best

It was an incredible lesson
I'm sure that woman
knows it too
It will change how you look
at the choices of another

And so
my prayer:
may I always choose to leave
the stones on the ground
Leaving the judgement
to the One
without sin!

Father,
I want empty hands
yet a heart
full of forgiveness.

Blind spots

Ok, so I promise this will be over soon...more pictures, less talking!
I promise!
I have some great pics to show and the kids are just growing leaps and bounds!! Oh and that Madelyn of mine...she is just something else...she's everything I dreamed of in a girl, and so much more! Love being her Mommy!!

I know I had mentioned at the end of the last post that I would be on the subject of guarding your hearts. Scratch that. Change of plans. Something else came up that I just thought I should add. Big surprise, I know.

The past several days, I have been pondering the issue of "blind spots". You know that place (in which we all have to some degree) that we just can't see? Things about ourselves that we are blind to. Maybe we just flat out don't want to see them either. But regardless, they are there!

Certainly some of us are just more naive than others, that does cause some blindness, some lack of ability to see things that are staring us in the face. But there is a certain blind spot that I believe can be a result of some unresolved issues (wounds) that leave us vulnerable! Deep hurt can manifest itself in such a way that it can affect most every area of our life...and do so without our ability to see it for what it really is...unresolved emotional baggage! Just change lanes, without a glance back, and shockingly find yourself in a heap of danger!! Been there? Me too!

I can see how relationships are huge when it comes to this. We may have unknowingly allowed ourselves to be in a relationship that in fact was very damaging...maybe even self destructive . I've had to really self evaluate my relationships...is there a theme? A common thread that seems to be familiar? Do we tend to find needy people? Do we seem to BE the needy one and therefore wear out people? Do we gravitate towards healthy, stable people with reasonable boundaries? Or do we find those who quickly set up expectations of us and have little awareness of someone else's feelings? Satan knows these areas of blind weakness and he will put people there in our blind spot to wreck us!

It also occurs to me that we also may find ourselves in someone else's blind spot. We can be blind enough to not see the potential danger of someone else's issues that we most certainly need no part of! These are accidents just waiting to happen! The enemy is all over stuff like this...and its an easy target because we don't see it at first!

If you have spent any time in the Gospels, you know Jesus does a lot of healing...and oddly enough, He is sympathetic to blindness! You will find it over and over again, "Jesus heals the blind"!

Matthew 20:32-34
Jesus stopped and called them (two blind men). "What do you want me to do for you?" he asked. "Lord, we want our sight", they answered. Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed them.

Right now, at this time in my life...I see that we are the blind man! We need to come to a point in which we recognize our blindness so we can ask for healing. Jesus asks "What do you want me to do for you?"...not because He didn't know what the blind man needed. He asked because He wants us to come to the point of seeing that we have needs, weaknesses, and blindness that only He can heal! He wants us humble enough to say "Lord, I want to see".

Jesus' touch is the only source of healing.
He know our blindness is dangerous and self destructive! Jesus will reveal to us the root issues behind our weaknesses...the truths of our blind spots. He wants to restore sight and give healthy vision. And I have found Him to be faithful in that promise!

But don't miss the last sentence, its huge...they received their sight and followed Him! God heals so that we may follow Him.

Our sight is imperative to moving forward, out of the darkness and in the direction of the Light!!
Our Heavenly Father will always be the Light to the blind!!

I have found my way out of a lot of darkness. And it hasn't been easy. I have spent a great deal of time reading, writing and praying. Everything I've asked God to help me understand...He has or He has in very specific ways said "I've got that Jill, don't worry about it". I can hardly type that without the tears emerging...some day I may share some of those, but for now...I want to encourage those of you who find yourself in some tough places...ask God for insight! You need sight before you can have insight!! He is the Wonderful Counselor...trust Him for He has 20/20 vision!!

With ALL my heart

I've pondered this long and hard. I've read books about it, prayed through the truths of it and cried a lot over it. Why my purse with holes (read this if your lost)? Why was my heart in need of healing in the first place? Where did it go wrong?

I've wondered what makes us so vulnerable to an infection that spreads throughout our heart and results in one bad decision after another? What trait in my personality finds me a front row seat on this roller coaster? Again and again. Beth Moore talks about this very thing in her book "Get out of that PIT"...what keeps us jumping from one self destructive pit to another? Pits that hold us hostage; emotionally, physically and spiritually?

Truthfully, I do not understand it all yet. Every one of us has different experiences and situations that factor into those questions. I'm not sure there is a cookie cutter answer here, but I have recently begun to see layers unfold that helps the fog disappear.

For those who may be able to relate to my more recent posts, who personally have felt the same symptoms...my suspicion is that somewhere along the line, some event (or events) occurred that wounded. Something painful took place that left its mark emotionally, and maybe for some physically.

I've discovered a harsh truth about wounds...they don't go away. Unfortunately, the opposite is most likely to occur. If left untreated, wounds grow. Deeper and wider. This area which is left open has great potential for becoming a breading ground for infection. And if we know anything about emotional infections...it is that they are just like bacteria, they spread.

Denial of the situation has not proven to do anything but lengthen the time of healing. I personally know this to be excruciatingly true! The symptoms will surface in one way or another. They are not the kind of thing that will lay dormant forever. And they are sneaky at times. Over the years they seem to show up in different colors, different shapes and sizes.

The trouble here for me was this....I didn't recognize my repeat failures as being connected to wounds that needed healing. I see it now, the undercurrent is there. And by failures, I don't mean a poor grade on a test. I mean wrong, self destructive decisions that are made over and over again...but are disguised by different circumstances. Truthfully, I wouldn't make the exact same mistake twice (well, ok maybe I would!). But typically, they each had some element that felt different. So of course I would have hope that it was going to turn out differently. It never did. The reason being...healing was needed, not a different set of circumstances!!

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you", declares the Lord,"and will bring you back from captivity".

Over time we become so used to this septic (filled with infection) way of feeling/living...that is seems normal and we develop a messed up sense of "normal". My friends, Christ did not say He planned heartache for us. He did not promise us a lifetime of self destruction and insecurity. We were not created for this unhealthy lifestyle, this septic heart that doesn't remember anything but inner turmoil and can never feel full.

As I was laying in bed one night, I felt my Father burn this into my mind...This is NOT A PERSONALITY TRAIT, this is a wound that the enemy has hung his "extended stay" sign on. Stubbornness is a personality trait, a heart that is wounded is not.


The enemy sets up camp in those vulnerable places. He is the one who wants that wound to destroy us. His intention is to keep that thing, that pain festering and wrapping chains around our lives! Captivity! The scissors are in his hands...he's cutting the holes bigger and bigger!

God promised us, as His children, that if we would seek Him with all our heart (holes and all!) that we would find Him! And through that seeking and finding...He would be set free from our own captivity! Ya'll I've just got to tell you what has convicted me over the past many months...most of my life I have sought God half heartedly but expected a whole hearted response!! I'm here to tell you this evening...it hasn't worked well for me!

Over the past 1-2 years, I have begun this incredible journey of seeking and finding. But this time, I seek with the full intention to do so with ALL MY HEART! I promise, it will lead you to freedom in Christ. Freedom in areas you may not even know you were captive to! God does make all things new. I have found Him to be the best seamstress I've ever found! Not to mention that His table is the safest place to open up your heart!!


He is the healer from captivity!!

(next time I will be addressing the "guarding of our hearts" that started this whole thing to begin with!!....whew....thanks for hanging in there with me!!)

Pictures of us

These are random...it takes too long to move them around, sorry!! Here is Madelyn for Halloween! She thought she was something else...and loved being all dittied up!!

Ramiro and I at Madelyn's 2nd birthday party!!

I live on my parents hay field...hay season is a crazy time....its hot, sticky and these weigh 60lb or so a piece!!

This is my yard!! 650 bales of hay!!


Sweet Home Alabama!!

This was just the beginning of fall...a few weeks ago!! This is what surrounds my house...mountains and open land!!

Andre and I at his 5th birthday party...this is my kitchen and things were a mess b/c we were still moving in!

Madleyn at my Granny's pool.

This was the front of my house back before we were able to move in. The little boys were very helpful with leveling out the dirt! I will post a newer picture soon of what it looks like now...big difference!

I will post pics inside the house soon as well!


This is the other end of the hay field, looking back at my house! Hay season means that I will have many trucks, tractors and men in overalls in my driveway and yard...this is country living!!

Dad's toys! And don't you know, I'm gunna learn to drive these baby's...one day!!

Andre at Granny's pool!

Dakota posing with his basketball coach from summer b-ball camp!! Funny though...I went to high school with this guy...now he's teaching my kids!

A purse with holes.

Sometimes I am amazed at my inbox. I have found myself in tears over most of them. Partly in shock that people care to read the blog (especially since there are no pictures right now...still in pursuit of working that issue), but also burdened by the knowledge that most of us struggle with the same set of emotions though we all experience different circumstances. Most of us can relate to hurt, we can relate to bad choices, we can relate to God's calling in our lives, and we can remember times of great growth through painful trials! To those of you who have shared parts of your life with me...please know that I find myself thinking of you often and praying for God's guidance over you. I do not take them lightly.

I have always had a passion for the hurting. I can remember specific events in my childhood and youth that have burdened my heart so deeply that they still to this day stir up emotions in the inner most part of my being. I believe those events have helped to pave the way and lead me to where I am today, a burden for the brokenhearted! Everything from hearing cries for help from a dumpster I walked by, a drunk who tripped and fell on the sidewalk just ahead of me, or a family who waits in the ICU waiting room while their daughter barely clings onto life. They have all had an impact and serve as a reminder that compassion is a tender thing!

As I have pondered over what I would say about this journey of being "under the knife" of God's healing over my heart... I want to say this first: I have not gotten through this yet. I pray that I'm making headway and that I am coming close to truly being set free from some illnesses that have plagued my heart. I can only share what I have experienced (though I do so without details of specific events), and where God has directed my thoughts. Each of us come to Him with a very different set of needs and unique experiences...my prayer is that through sharing where I have been with Him, you will be encouraged to seek Him for yourself! To go before Him with your own heart and lay it down at His table! I do not have great words of wisdom. But I feel led to share what God is doing in my life...and I'm still under the conviction that this is more for my benefit than yours!

I believe that I have come to this time of heart surgery much like a patient who begins to notice symptoms of something that just doesn't seem right. At first, it doesn't seem like much. No big deal, hardly paying it any attention. Later you notice it again. Still no biggie. Strangely there were other times (maybe long periods of time) in which you completely forgot about it...for the symptoms never showed themselves, or that you could recognize at least. Maybe it was a fluke (denial causes blindness!). But then some time later it reappears...maybe just as before or maybe by now it looks very different.

As I look back over the past 10-13 years, I notice this to be my story. I can see the symptoms that were visible back many, many years ago. I notice times that they didn't seem to be as evident...though I'm sure they were there all along. More recently, I came to a point when the symptoms just couldn't be ignored anymore! For me, the breaking moment was a huge crisis in my personal life. It was a time in which the devistation of the crisis caused the floodgates of years of pain and hurt to fly open with great force!! Why these bad choices (over and over again), why these crazy emotions, why tearful outbursts that seemed to have no trigger, why the feeling that my emotional needs were never met, why running to things that self destruct? Why? Here's why.

Haggai 1:5-6
"...give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it."

This verse came to me almost a year ago...and wouldn't you know, our pastor preached on it yesterday!! This verse is where it all began to click for me. I (unknowingly) was searching to fill...only to remain empty. I was hungry for something, I thought it was something the right guy could give. I was thirsty and I found the wrong cup to drink out of. I hid behind many garments (and relationships), still cold inside. Not only was my purse full of holes...so was my heart.

The truth became clear...there was some mending that needed to take place. Strongholds had found their way into my life while I was searching for outside means in which to fill an inside hunger. An unsatisfied soul is a dangerous place and the consequences will tear the thing to shreds! It is true that we can not be sold something if we are satisfied! And when we are not, the FOR SALE sign sits infront of the enemy!!

Hence where I ended up with the heart condition I've talked about earlier! My heart has been bound up with things like insecurities, fears, a roller coaster of sin, emotional needs that no human could fill, hurt, intense anger, ocd, denial, etc. Need I continue?

These were the symptoms. The root issue here was not the guy I was dating, the job I had, the friends I was with (though they weren't helping the situation). These symptoms are ones that scream from a heart that is hurting and in need of the Fathers healing. These symptoms cry out from a soul that needs a deep, personal relationship with the "right guy"...God!!

In the next post I will share specifically what I have come to understand about why heart problems start in the first place. Why are we so vulnerable to it? Did a specific event leave a wound that infected?

I will also share how God has brought some healing in my life and what He is continuing to show me about guarding my heart!!

FYI...It's not really about keeping everyone out. It's more about letting the right things in and keeping the wrong things out!