Jehovah Jireh- My provider

(the whole "stand still, look at the camera and give me nice smiles please dear children" didn't go as I had envisioned in my head...this was the best we could do at the moment! And my face seems red? Yes well, you see I was exercising my newish ability to PICK MY STINKIN BATTLES!! It adds a nice holiday color to my face. Nice, eh?!)

I'm beginning to feel up to posting about our holidays. They really went well and though the anticipation was not as smooth for me personally (and my stomach was not thrilled)...when it came down to it, all was well!!

This is our first holiday season after the divorce. We had made the decision that we would spend the 24th-25th each year together, though many thought we were crazy. I pray that my children will one day recognize the gift they have been given to have parents who have managed this year with relatively minimal damage. No it hasn't all been easy. Things have happened and been said that were tough to walk through, but generally speaking I think we have done well. If I do say so myself!

The kids were excited to have us all together and I think they feel more at peace when the adults are able to set aside our differences and focus on enjoying the things that do bind us together...our 4 precious children! I see it in their faces and it warms my heart that their father and I can do this for them! I recognize that not every family can manage this, I pass no judgement on those who need to work things differently. But for us, though it was awkward at times, it was a blessing and I was extremely glad we did it!

There were even moments when I fought to keep the emotions down. I most definitely believe that God's provisions were at work. Divorce usually leaves both parties very angry and bitter. Though we all must work through these emotions, my holiday season was a testament to our Father...Jehovah Jireh (Yahwey Yireh)...the Lord that will provide our needs!

As we opened gifts together at my parents house (across the street), the kids each had gifts that they had bought (with their earned money), wrapped and labeled for me. It was precious! Here was Ramiro's and Andre's!
What mother doesn't want to remember that forever??

They had a little help from my parents...but you should have seen the 72 pieces of tape that Ramiro used to wrap my gift! I should have taken a picture of that too! Darn it!

After Christmas, the kids went back to Florida with their father. Though the parting was tough, everyone did fairly well. I ran and slept.

On December 31, 2009 I received word that I had fully been accepted into Liberty University and all my financial paperwork had been approved!! (I'm listed as a 6th year senior...some of us just need more time than others!!) I haven't mentioned this here on the blog yet...I wasn't sure what the outcome would be. Things were a bit touch and go there for awhile, I was starting to get the feeling that this wasn't "MY TIME". Just after Christmas I was informed that they would be sending my financial aid papers to the Department of Education and to expect the turn around to be around 2 weeks. Given the snow and business closings, there was concern that I wouldn't be able to start this semester.

Come to find out....Jehovah Jireh was at work again! What was expected to take 14 days, took 2!! And so it is, I am back in school. Back to what I love, and hate! So in a few days I will be buried deep into books and assignments...2 Christian counseling classes and 2 Philosophy classes! Sounds like fun eh?? The kids think its funny and Ramiro asks me everyday what grade this makes me...like 1st, 2nd or 3rd?

As the year came to a close, all I could get out of my heart was "God, I'm thankful that you are Jehovah Jireh, Lord of all I need". Though simple concept for some, it was a huge statement for me! I wasn't able to say that He was Lord of all I wanted. That isn't who God is...and that has been an incredibly difficult part of these past 2 years. But...He has provided something better, what I needed! He is Lord of all I need!! I'm finally able to see it HIS way and can feel the peace it brings. I'm thankful that He knows the difference, even though I still at times battle the distinction between the two!!

He knows what I don't and sees what I can't.

Jehovah Jireh...

you are the bright Star that changed the dark that Christmas night,

thank you for what you have provided in 2009!!

The "sensory child" without meds

This is how you would play Guitar Hero if you were not able to take your medication...


and you had an SI Dysfunction!!


My precious child, Ramiro...who besides having ADHD, also has a Sensory Integration Dysfunction, takes two separate medications everyday in order to manage himself and keep things on an even keel! SID is where your sensory receptors and processing is all out of wack! What should be painful isn't...and what isn't somehow causes great pain! Those with SID are unsure of new things because they don't have previous experience in which to go on. Our senses are incredibly important to our experiences and how we relate to the world around us! Cotton balls used to throw Ramiro into melt down mode! But thankfully, there are meds now that help these children navigate their surroundings and allow them more normal sensations!

Thank God for them!

He is not one of those "over diagnosed- unnecessarily medicated" children...he NEEDS them and he is able to function normally in most all activities when he is on them!

However, for this weekend...we are without his afternoon medication, the one that really helps his sensory issues. These meds must be prescribed every month, with a paper script, picked up in person from the dr office and then taken to the pharmacy in person. Right now the dr office is closed, all roads to get to the office are closed, the pharmacy is open for a few hours today but I can't get off the mountain here to take them the script, if I had one. We are just out of luck!

The schools are closed and this is where it all went wrong...they have his meds!! ugh...why didn't I go get them when there was talk about the schools closing!!??

Well, I guess its cause I'm a bone head from Florida who didn't think "snow, ice, schools closing"!

So, here we are now... it is not even 20 degrees (wind chill makes it feel something like 15) and Ramiro has NO SHIRT on because its itchy (and he would be with no pants too if I would have let him...gotta draw the line somewhere!!) and he can not simply stand in front of the tv to play Guitar Hero! Turning around backwards and upside down to watch something moving on the tv would make my stomach a knotted mess. But for him (particularly when off meds)...this is totally normal!!

He is currently outside (and btw, he doesn't think its cold...another interesting thing with sensory kids) playing in the snow...but it took him some time to "warm up" to the idea. Yesterday he stayed inside the first half of the day and watched from the window. He wasn't sure about white stuff falling from the sky. He was so cute as he watched Dakota and Andre play and said "maybe I won't really like the white stuff on me". He later gave in and found out that it was in fact pretty darn fun!!

This is gunna be a very long weekend for all of us and make no mistake about it...this won't happen again!! I might have to beat down the nurses door at the school...but we won't be going without his meds again!!

Lint in my serger

I am a "sew-er person"...as the kids call it. One who likes to sew things and enjoys sitting in front of a sewing machine or a serger. For those of you who have no inkling of an idea what a serger is...it is a fancier sewing machine that has 2 needles and 4 big spools of thread on the top. It is most commonly used to keep things from unraveling as you sew together 2 pieces of fabric. A sewing machine has only 1 needle, 1 top thread and then a smaller bobbin thread.

Lately I have been thinking about my serger. (No I'm not sewing anything right now... no emails for orders, please!*smiles*)

I've been thinking specifically about that darn lint...those dust balls that back themselves up in the motor and cause me all kinds of headaches. Literally and figuratively. A serger can look pretty clean on the surface... but the true test is when you open the flap to the motor and take inventory of the "behind the scenes". Whew, it can be downright ugly.

I have had many, many troubles with my darn serger, its threading and tension levels (and those who use a serger are all raising your hands on this one...) all because I hadn't taken the time to clean out the lint! I'd rather take out the trash than to clean the serger out! The nature of the beast is simple though...fabric gives off lint! That lint grows and will flat out stop all production of that serger! I've been amazed at how the smallest of lint balls can cause the biggest of hang ups!

Sewing machines are also sensitive to lint...they function better without the lint and fuzz all up in its stuff, but the thing about a serger is that there is more at stake. More threads, more needles. More area's for something to go wrong...and they do! The system is just more sensitive because more is going on! The threading on a serger is amazing and the complicated intertwining of the threads will simply not happen if lint has built up in the system.

So, maybe you see where I'm going with this, eh?

I'm becoming increasingly aware of how much our minds and emotions are like that serger! We've got a bunch of iron's in the fire, many responsibilities, many threads that are complicated in how they intertwine with each other. We are no different than the serger. We may look fairly polished and clean at first glance. But, don't you know we are professional bow adorners!! Most of us know all too well how to decorate up most anything! I know this by heart ya'll, I have taken the decorating classes myself and have quickly learned the art of the big red bow!! It makes the worst of things appear beautiful!! But its deceiving.

One little lint ball in the back corner of our mind...one area of pain that goes unattended...and we are fooling ourselves to think its not going to affect the finished product!

And there's this funny thing about lint and dust balls. They are magnetic!
Lint will attract more lint...they only become dust balls!

And so it is also true with our emotional health! Unresolved emotions, hurts, pains and disappointments will start out as lint...but make no mistake about it, all dust balls started out as LINT!! This stuff gets bigger. Bigger issues. More damage. The machine will quickly come to a screeching halt! And the more threads/commitments you have in your life...the halting comes sooner than later!! I promise.

I have come to a place in which I value the importance of emotional stability in my life! I recognize the need to clean out this mind and heart on a fairly consistent basis. I'm beginning to better know what my red flags are. The warning sign that remind me that I've over looked a piece of lint that is GROWING and must be cleared out!!

God wants nothing more than to see us in a place of health, physically and emotionally. He desires us to be well! He longs for us to come before Him with our minds and hearts. He believes in deep cleaning! He doesn't want us to learn how to tie pretty bows to cover our pains...He wants us to allow Him to remove the lint. He wants us to become students of our thoughts and emotions...so that we may recognize and address issues sooner than later!!

I have found Him to be the Wonderful Counselor! Yes I see a lady here to talk over some stuff that I don't understand yet. She's been helpful to show me the "root of the fruit". But I take it all to the Lord and ask Him to show me more and give me understanding and strength to work it through. And He does!

My dear friends...life is tough! If our minds and hearts are the needles and thread...life is the fabric. It can't help but to have lint to deal with! If we don't, it will surely hold us hostage. The enemy will see to it!

I truly believe we can have freedom from the things that keep us in chains. We don't have to be jealous, boastful, prideful, insecure, demanding, over bearing, or critical. We can be free from all that junk!!
Don't let the lint build up in your hearts.
Watch out for it because it settles when your not looking!

I am increaslingly aware that "we were meant for so much more" than LINTy lives!!

HAPPY New Year!

Happy New Year!!

I've waved goodbye to 2009...

and gladly welcomed 2010!



As I sit here this morning at my desk, looking out the window at the snow (ok well heavy flurries) and the mountains, the wind is blowing like crazy. The trees are swaying and the flurries are blowing sideways!

Its beautiful!

Its heavenly!

It's home!



Most years, on New Years, I have spent much time thinking back over the year...the events, the memories, the highlights and not-so highlights. Seems like the thing to do I guess, and as I have looked over the blogs I follow... most of them are full of the same!



This year, I can't hardly do it. I've started to go there in my mind many of times and it quickly becomes too much.

Too much pain.

Too much sadness.

Too many memories.

Too many blessings.

Too many "God Moments".



2009 has been one of the hardest years of my life. So much so that when I think about it, my heart feels blank.



2009 has also been a year full of moments that only God could have orchestrated. His hand has been seen in every detail of my life that at times it has sent me into full out belly laughs! I have gone from gut-wrenching tears one moment to joyful laughter the next...because God had once again made provisions! It has blown me away!



I have many pictures from Christmas that I want to post, things that God has shown me, and moments that I want to recount...I will get to it all soon. I'm still trying to process it all, one piece at a time...one moment at a time!



2009 ended with a kiss from the Lord that has sent me into overwhelming emotions...once again, His provisions in the details of my life! I want to share them, and I will... but first, I need to spend time at the feet of my Father in adoration for all He has done! And, I still need time to make sense of it all.



From January 1, 2009 to January 1, 2010... this road has been like nothing I ever could have imagined. The deepest pains to the highest joys!



The road ahead still needs healing, still needs time to mend...but it looks brighter than I ever thought. It is full of God's goodness and His richest blessings...I see it! I believe it now more than ever!!



I am thankful that I can honestly say

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

The crowded shower

One Sunday (when I lived in Florida) a dear sweet lady in our church, Ms. Prissy, said something to me I will never forget. After hearing the many things that had gone on that morning, just to get 4 kids and myself to church, she chuckled and said "Remember these days Jill, they will fly by so fast and soon you won't be able to remember them being so little...your gunna miss these days".

Though I do not remember specifically the events of that morning, I do remember the general gist of things...I was tired from the kids, frustrated with the kids, agitated at the kids, and had lost my "Sunday voice" while speaking to the kids! And it was only 9:30am. Yes, most definitely I was spent. My response to Ms. Prissy, "I'm just praying your right, that these days do fly by quickly and that I don't remember any of it!"

As I got into the shower this afternoon, (no, we didn't make it to church, big surprise here...the kids are sick) I just wanted to enjoy a few moments to hide behind a shower curtain. While in there, along with Noah and 2 of every living creature... I got thinking about this life of mine. Currently. Today. As it stands right now. Is Ms. Prissy right? Will I miss this?

I mean will I truly miss the need to kick the toys over to the other side of the shower in order to find one small space for my feet? Will I miss the fact that I again have no more shampoo because someone has poured it out while taking their bath...and therefore I am left to use Aveeno body gel on my hair? Or will I miss spending all morning cleaning up yet more mouse poop from under my sink and laundry room...while a trillion questions are asked about "mouse's" and all children wanting to see "mouse's poopie"? Will I ever miss opening up my chapstick and finding some little precious something of a child of mine has taken a bite out of it? And then when I go to use it, the entire thing falls to the floor! I mean, seriously?

Will I miss the 5 spilled bowls of cereal (that had just been poured) this week alone, that Andre insists flipped on its own? Or maybe the number of times I have said "boys please use your inside voices, put your feet on the floor while at the table, no more body slamming, put your clothes in the dirty hamper, this is not funny, and do you think we have a maid that lives here?" Will I miss that? Will I be lonely running alone and wish I had a jogger with a 30+ lb child in it to push? Or how about the stops to run back to get the passy she dropped a few feet back!

Will I find myself missing the hysteria over burping, armpit noises and other bodily sounds that boys seem to come out of the womb knowing how to make? Will I long for washing the car seat cover for the 4,443rd time because "I've got diarrhea coming out...already"? Will I miss having to change poopy diapers on the back of the suburban tailgate while Dakota drills me about the appropriateness of what I'm doing?

Will I miss having my vehicle look like we live in IT, verses the house? I'm wondering also about the toilet. Really? Will I be sad to find that no one urinates on the seat anymore? Will I miss cleaning the floor around the toilets daily and will I want to say yet again,"the hole in the toilet is bigger than your head, this should not be difficult!" Surely not.

Will I miss waking up only to find Ramiro has been up for some time rehanging every ornament on the tree...in rows? Will I ever, ever want to clean toothpaste artwork off the bathroom mirror again? Or maybe scrubbing Madelyn's face again trying to get the ColorStay lipstick off the center of her face (from eyebrows to chin) that she put on 3 days previously, and still looks just as bright as day 1....its good stuff I tell ya!! Will I miss cleaning all that?

Maybe when I've had several years of good sound sleep...maybe then I will miss these days and long for a household again that consists of many small children who need a tremendous amount of guidance...hour after hour, day after day, year after year!

Maybe someday I will miss all this, maybe. Till then, I suppose being exhausted is all part of making family memories. But for today, I just wanted a shower...minus Noah and his crew of "two-sies"!

"army"

One thing my boys have always done is play "army". Fully decked out with whatever camo attire they can find...with no regard to whether it fits (or not), matches or look nice. The purpose is to be army men and to spy on the enemy which has entered their battlefield (aka the yard/woods), and attack if necessary. Over the years, I have been amazed how this game takes on a life of its own and how Dakota manages to train his brothers in appropriate "army" behavior.

The nerf gun here is to be noted...yes, "army" consists of guns that will be used for protection in the event of danger! Also of note, knee pads are extremely important for this troop to wear. They must spend a great deal of time in position on their knees, the fact that they are Elmo skateboard elbow pads is no problem, they work just as well! Often I find that they have rubbed dirt on their faces in order to better disguise themselves, you do know the enemy might detect their light skin and know who they are!!

The boys hide in ditches, trees, and more recently they have built an intricate fort to use as a shelter! They can be found hauling off extra scrap lumber into the woods to use as bridges across the creek (in my front yard) or to give added support to one of their forts!

Dakota of course is commander in chief! If you want to play, you must be willing to take instruction from him and play this his way! There is very little room for compromise and he tolerates only a small amount of disorganization in his army! He calls the shots, when to move and when to attack the enemy...all men in the troop will follow his commands!

This army is well trained, per Dakota's thinking...and therefore they successfully conquer most every battle! This is no bunch of losers here, they are out for the win! They come home exhausted, dirty, wet, stinky, bleeding, clothes torn but proud! They leave the house ready to battle the enemy and they come back hero's!

After they clean up and shower, I get the full run down of the incredible events that took place on the frontlines! The enemy was fierce, their troops were tough and huge...but Dakota and his brothers overcame them all! They persevered and didn't get scared...and as Dakota would tell you, it pays to be fast!!

Stones

The sun rose
a new day began
This one was significant
this one would matter
This day would make all the difference

A woman
caught in sin
brought before the crowd
A crowd that stood ready with their stones
stones of judgement
stones of death

Her sin
per the law
worthy of execution
So the crowd asked,
"Teacher, this woman was caught
in the act of adultery...
the law commands us to stone
such a woman,
what do you say?"

Jesus bent down
took his finger
he began writing in the dirt

The woman
though she stood in the crowd
stood all alone
She must have hung her head
turning it to one side
ashamed
embarrassed
avoiding eye contact
She was afraid
humiliated
guilty

Though she stood
waiting for judgement
I'm sure
she already felt
plenty of that

Can you feel
the lump in her throat?
the sick in her stomach?
the tears that were
about to erupt?
Can you sense that she feared
loosing her composure
while on display?
I can

Time must have felt as if it stopped
every eye burned
every move felt
every murmur
shot like an arrow
through her heart

The questions continued
Jesus stood
saying to the crowd
"If any one of you is without sin,
let him be the first
to throw a stone
at her"

Then again he stooped down
continuing with his finger in the dirt

What was he doing?
Writing?
Drawing?
Unfortunately, we don't know

Yesterday
a thought crossed my mind
and I can't ignore it

Could it be
the very thing
He was etching into the dirt
was a cross?
For He knew
what would come of it

A symbol
Hate at its worst
Love at its best

A cross
meant to kill
meant for darkness
But with Christ
it would become light
That teacher
would give the cross life!

That very moment
that woman
before the crowd
was at her cross

The Bible says
as the crowd heard
what Jesus said-
one at a time
they began to leave

He didn't say
"if you are without THIS sin"
He said
"if you are without sin"
They dropped their stones
turned
and left her alone

I can see her face lift
just slightly
I can feel her heart
begin to rapidly beat again
I know that moment
when a crowd
chooses not to condemn

I've been there with her
that woman
many years ago
No, not the same situation
different circumstances
but I was caught in sin
And so I stood
before a congregation
ashamed
guilty
with a heart heavy
from judgement
With one request
Forgiveness

I know the humiliation
the embarrassment
the shame
I too, hung my head

A wise man said to me
his name, Pastor Ken
"Jill your sin is no different than ours,
we're just able to hide ours, for now"

That moment never erases
never forgotten
And I praise God for it!

I, like this woman
was never hit with a stone
and thankfully
the crowd I stood before
didn't leave

Instead
they stood
to their feet
One by one
they began to clap

It felt like music
a love song that flooded my heart
and held me tight
My behavior
wasn't condoned
but nor
was I being condemned

I was offered a gift
that day
just like this woman
A gift that freed
the captive
A gift that healed
the hurting
Forgiveness
Love at its best

It was an incredible lesson
I'm sure that woman
knows it too
It will change how you look
at the choices of another

And so
my prayer:
may I always choose to leave
the stones on the ground
Leaving the judgement
to the One
without sin!

Father,
I want empty hands
yet a heart
full of forgiveness.