The Last

Weird...every year...this odd feeling comes over me on this very day...December 31st!
I haven't exactly figured out what it is all about...the weird feeling and all, but this year I think I'm getting closer to nailing it on the head.

For me, December 31st has always been about the "last". For instance, today I went on my last run for the year. I thought about my last run last year. I thought about the last 12 months and all that they have brought. I thought about what I did the year before last year...was it better than this past one? Last years resolutions. Last years uncertainties. Last years finances. Tonight, I kissed my kids goodnight for the last time this year. I wonder what baby will be the last one to enter the world in 2008!

I suppose I should be disturbed about my "last" rut that I find myself in. Clearly some of the "last"s are a relief! A deep sigh of relief! And then there are others that bring sadness. Will it be our last Christmas for Santa to be real for all the kids? I'm thinking Dakota is out smarting us soon! :(

Well today I vowed to let this be the "LAST" year that I do this to myself! The truth is...every last is only a last because there was a first! On the contrary to today...January 1, the first day of each year, usually brings about a sense of renewed hope in me! I love goals and I love planning, and yes this might be a little Type A, but I get excited about the new year and love to think about what could be new and different for the next 12 months! It's almost like the first day of school for me! A fresh start at something...a first! Last year I decided that I wanted to run a marathon and therefore I starting running again! I carefully mapped out a training program and studied different races that I could enter. This February I will run my first marathon since having 4 kids!

I must also say that even though I have experienced many lasts this year...I trust Gods plan for 2009 and the firsts that await me.

So tomorrow, as I go on my first run for 2009, as I see what baby was first to be born...I will also be thankful because I have a relationship with the Lord that is nothing like before. This year, on January 1st...I have something I didn't have last year. A first. I have a desire for the Lord and the Word that is new and a whisper that I recognize. A wonderful first.

Little Drummer Boy

Last night was Dakota's first band concert...5th grade. He has been anxiously awaiting the opportunity to play the drums since, well...since he was able to toddle around! He has idolized every drummer in our churches and wants to be at every practice so he might get a turn to play!! So, here it was...his big debut as a "drummer"!!

As Christmas time is for many of us...I was racing around, had too many parties to get presents for, snacks, drinks, wrapping, etc. The moment Dakota got in the car he says..."mom, you won't believe this but I have a lot of math homework and I have a science test tomorrow!!". What?? 3 days before Christmas break?? "I thought ya'll would be watching Polar Express by now"...like every other child of mine is!! Well, apparently not in the 5th grade!

I was frantic trying to get 4 kids fed, dressed, homework done, errands run and everyone back to school by 6:00...by myself! The kids were fighting, I was hot, and Dakota was nervous!

The long story short is this...I totally expected Ramiro to give me trouble...the noise, the cafeteria acoustics with chairs squeaking, people talking, etc. What I didn't plan on was my happy baby, Madelyn, to decide 5 minutes into the concert that she was going to scream herself crazy for an hour (btw...Dakota said the concert was no more than 30 minutes long...ahem)! I found myself in a horrible predicament...Madelyn is out of control, people are looking at me b/c she is louder than the band, Dakota is nervous and wants me there and I'm alone with still 2 other wild boys to contend with! So, I decided to step outside with Madelyn...she continued screaming and never recovered.

The bottom line is...I missed all but the first 5 minutes of the concert! Madelyn and I stood outside the cafeteria doors and cried...no actually, sobbed! She appears to be coming down with the stomach bug we've been fighting around this house, and me....well, I cried out of desperation! I didn't want to miss Dakota's big night, I had been looking forward to this for years...excited to give him his first standing ovation! And the little boys were needing some strong guidance while in the audience alone!! I felt embarrassed, panicked, and for a loss of what to do with 2 hands and 4 kids!! Thankfully a total stranger came out to me and asked what she could do...she came to my rescue and got my boys to sit with her! Brought my stroller to me and pulled a pound of Kleenex out of her purse for my mascara that was all over my face! I needed divine intervention...my angel had appeared in the form of a lady named Kim!!

I don't really remember getting home last night...but I do remember a sweet 10 year old boy who though was nervous was very excited to have survived his first concert, and a mother who was too!

Dakota, you were awesome! I could still hear you over the screaming and through the door! I could see the directors hands...you were right on kiddo! I'm proud of you...you have many more big nights like this ahead of you! I watched you manage your nerves and the pressure of performing with grace! You were calm and didn't let the music mixup before the concert affect your ability to concentrate. I too was once in your shoes...I understand the pressure and what it takes to hold yourself together in moments like that...You were perfect!! You are full of talent and I'm honored to be your mother and walk this road with you!! Thank you for giving me a thumbs up through the window...I knew you understood and please know that I'm soo proud of you...my little drummer boy!! I'm still looking forward to that standing ovation!!


Here's the first few minutes of the first song...you will need to pause the blog music...actually, that's optional...remember, this is their first time playing these instruments!

Helping the mother out!!

My sister is funny...her comments about the blog is this "less talking, more pictures"! She called the other day to say "more pictures"...she didn't have to say "less talking" b/c I have been so busy and really unable to blog much. Still don't really have time...but thought I would add some cute shots recently of the kids....ahem...and ME!! (please excuse my morning hair...ugh)

Man, I look at this picture and think I'm looking at the male version of me!!

But then I look at that face (Ramiro's) and know that at 5...that was me too!!

This was a few weeks ago. Ramiro and Andre had decided that since the Christmas tree was up...it must be time to go to Alabama, like we do every year for Christmas. So they decided to help their mother out and pack their own bags.

Andre packed: 3 shirts, 2 pants,"underwears" and he wasn't sure about having socks.

Ramiro packed: 2 shirts, jeans, jacket, no underwear or socks or shoes...after all, he already had a pair on! Oh yes, if you look closely...yes, he is bringing his basketball trophy, its sticking out of the zipper!! Since that's important for the holidays and all!! (again...please excuse the hair...Ramiro's hair. He's still resisitant to hair cuts!!)

I was cracking up and took a picture of them...packed and ready to go, with all the essentials that a 4 and 5 year old need for 1 1/2 weeks in Alabama!! Hey, did anyone pack a toothbrush?? 'Course not!! Only the essentials Mom!!

Everyone needs a tassel!!

If you need teacher gifts, friend gifts, etc. ...here are some options!! I have two more #1 teacher tassel and an adorable school bus one (I think for a bus driver...it says "making special deliveries every day"...its cute!!). If you are interested...I need to know soon! These are 3 others that are already sold, but it gives you the idea!! They are $10.

Also, if you need a gift and want some of the other original tassels...I still have some (like 20) and would be happy to let you know which ones I have!

Your turn Mom

Ok Ok...I've not posted since the game. No its not that I have a bad attitude, I've just been busy with other things. About the game... I will say is this: Alabama stopped the Gators game. They got Tebow shook up a bit and caused some confusion for the Gators. Alabama missed a big play or two and that made all the difference. Let it be said...I'm proud of my team! If you really watched what was happening (not just looking at the scoreboard...yes, I know at the end it's all that matters) during the game...Alabama really played the better ball game!! Roll Tide!!

Tonight...I thought that I would post about my discussion with the boys this evening over dinner (veggie lasagna, that no one but Ramiro would eat!). Recently, I've been trying to talk to them about the true meaning of Christmas. The idea that it is about giving to others and not just receiving. As a side note, they have been very busy pouring over the sale papers on a daily basis!! Marking their #1, #2 and #3 choices of their favorite things. They totally get that it is a celebration of the birth of Jesus, but they are very much into what "they" will be getting for Jesus' birthday!

I was explaining (not successfully) that we needed to remember that there are many little kids who will have no presents to wake up to on Christmas morning. I was trying to encourage them to think of some toys that they could live without and give as gifts to some other children who might not have a "happy holiday". Ramiro and Andre couldn't think of anything. Great. Dakota had an idea...maybe we should just take them to the mall to see Santa and then HE could then give them some gifts! Ugh! After I rolled my eyes and asked God for direction with the conversation that wasn't going well...also embarrassed that my kids seemed so heartless and unwilling to give up anything, I decided we needed to go around the table and list one thing that we would give up.

The results?
Ramiro...one of our toy dinosaurs and a matchbox car
Andre...maybe one of his stuffed animals, maybe not
Dakota...a book of his, one of his little hand held skateboard toy things (?), and a DVD

Ramiro looks to me and says "your turn Mom, what are you going to give up?"...of course he would ask. I was lost really. I hadn't thought of me. What would I have to give someone?? I somehow started to understand their hesitation at first. I felt as if I "needed" everything I have. Embarrassing. I finally came up with some pathetic answer like "Well, I have way too many cookbooks, some clothes that could be passed along and...well, maybe that's it". I felt ashamed that I was asking them to do what I hadn't already thought of doing myself.

But as I sit here tonight, wondering how to better communicate the true spirit of Chritmas...I am also reminded that I will be taking my kids to participate in our Walk Thru Bethlehem event at our church this weekend. We will be spending all Thursday evening, Friday, Saturday and Sunday evening at the church...in the town of Bethlehem so that hundreds of people from our community will be able to come and know the reason for this season! Christ. His birth. His death. His resurrection. His purpose...US!

I pray that my children will also learn from the event this weekend. That they may come to understand that Jesus is the most precious gift we could ever have or give! And I pray that they will begin to understand how this baby changed the world on Christmas night!!

So, do I feel better about the "dinner conversation"...not really. But some ideas are coming to mind, I think I have a few things more that I can live without...something better than a few cookbooks and pants that don't fit!! One thing specifically that comes to mind...maybe this will be just the thing my kids need to see me give up this Christmas! I'll keep you posted!

The big day!

20 miles...it happened. It went well and I am happy with it. I was better prepared this time and my stomach is thankful! My knees feel sore but amazingly good for the distance traveled, thanks to my sister sending me knee bands (Thanks a bunch Carrie!!). I felt great until mile 15...then the exhaustion started to visit, but I made it through! I'm tired and sore...legs are ready to find the horizontal position!!

Alabama vs. Gators...well, let the game begin! May the best team win (that will be my team...Roll Tide!!). I am making chili...barely standing but I'm making it anyways...I can't watch a game like this without it. So though it may hurt to do so...I'm cookin' that chili!!

Roll Tide Roll Baby!!

Resurrection

I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?
When all my efforts seem like chasing wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm down to the core
I can't fake it anymore.

chorus:
Here I am at the end I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

chorus 2:
Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering


These are the lyrics to a song that I just haven't been able to get out of my head the past day or so. The song is called "Resurrection" by Nicol Sponberg. I had heard it many months ago...didn't ever really make a connection with it until a few days ago! As this song came to mind this week, I decided that I would do a study on Lazarus (since he was the one that I think is being paralleled to in this song). If you are one who can't seem to find relevance in the Bible or you have struggled to find how this book will change your life...you need to call me!! I am constantly amazed at how the stories from thousands of years ago are so incredibly true...still today. And I am excited at how God and the Holy Spirit makes these words that I have heard/read many times before suddenly jump off the page, as if it was the first time I had ever seen it! Sometimes all I can do is shake my head in amazement.

I will not give you my "Jill's watered down version" this time. You just need to go read it yourself. John 11.

As I have pondered why Jesus seemed unconcerned about Lazarus being ill and passing...about how Mary and Martha must have felt as they were begging and pleading for Jesus to come and heal their brother. Why Jesus waited so long. I began to think about my life, my extended family and perhaps many of you...have you ever pleaded with God for healing? I have. My family has. Have we felt like Mary and Martha...desperate? Yes, we have. In this case, the healing was needed physically. For some sort of health crisis that Lazarus was facing. For some of us, that too has been where we have prayed for healing. For God to come and intervene, restoring health to our loved one. But isn't it true that we all have needed healing of another sorts. Emotional? Spiritual? Relational?

I have seen in my life (past and present) how God does at times come immediately and change a situation. Things are resolved quickly and we were given the "desires of our hearts". The perplexing part of life...why at other times does He choose to wait? Why did He allow Lazarus to die? Why does He allow things of this earth to die? Even though we may have presented our concerns, our hurts, our needs, our need for God's healing...with faith, like Mary and Martha. But even still, He waited 4 days. Allowing the grief to be experienced and death to have occurred. Why?

The story really is encouraging. It does give me hope. The awesome thing about God "choosing" to allow death is that He also "chooses" to resurrect. He does have a plan that is far better than ours. Will it hurt? Yes. But just as Jesus said...your faith will be stronger and for those who believe, death is not the end. Jesus allowed Mary and Martha to experience some grief and sorrow, but He knew it was only temporary. For in a few days they would witness the last and maybe most significant miracle of Jesus' life on earth.

It is also worth mentioning, this was also when the Bible says "Jesus wept". He did so because He was witnessing the agonizing grief of the people He loved. He was still able to understand the pain they were experiencing. To feel the sense of loss. He too could relate. But it wasn't long until He would say "Lazarus, come forth". And out walked a man that had died 4 days previously. A man who had life again. New life.

I am encouraged that even in the times when we might be wondering why God has not/didn't bring healing...He is in the business of RESURRECTING! He makes new. He gives new life even though it may not be in the way we were originally wanting. He will make something beautiful out of all the suffering. I don't know about you...but yes, Here I am once again, I'm in need of resurrection!

My idea of some Christmas lights!!

**You must pause the music on the playlist/sidebar thing to hear this!!**

Wow...now that is some show, huh??

I've heard it said that children with ADHD/Sensory Integration Dysfunction have brains that function somewhat like a light show...rapid, sporadic and short bursts of information can be the norm, therefore causing the difficulties in processing. This video makes me nervous for Ramiro...Oh how I just hope this is not what he must overcome everyday!! Could you imagine? I would be crazy! And to think that this type of sensory input has in the past lulled him to sleep! Craziness.