These days one of the questions I get regularly, either from friends back in Florida or from someone I 've met new here in Alabama, is " how are you doing with all this?". And truly I think we are doing well. Have there been a few snags in the process? Most definitely. Are there still moments when this all feels so big and more than I bargained for? Absolutely. But overall, I feel that things have gone reasonably well and though there are still moments of confusion and great sadness, the kids and I are beginning to mesh together well and this new life is feeling more manageable. I feel blessed and can see His touch in many of the details that have fallen into place.
Today, I wanted to share one way in which I am sensing God's presence in my new circumstances. From time to time I become aware that I feel somewhat numb and detached from myself. It's a tad frightening for one like me, but I try to remind myself that feelings are like the wind...you can't always predict them nor can you count on them remaining the same for very long. Then other times out of the clear blue, something hits me deeply, my heart is stirred and I become optimistic that things are beginning to come around. Healing is a process full of ups and downs...good days and really crappy ones. This process may be slow, but I feel as if I am moving in the right direction.
I need to rewind a second and say that early in the beginning stages of my divorce...when the emotions were very high, the pain was bleeding over and fear of the unknown was surrounding me like a thick fog...I remember one morning out on a run in which I was praying over my burdens. At this particular time, I felt like I was living life in a foam pit. You know those? Anyone who has participated in gymnastics knows exactly what I'm referring to. The pit is deep (though your not exactly sure how deep), its wide and it is full of foam blocks that make it a challenging task to move anywhere, let alone to get over to the side! Typically the edge is not far off but as you begin to move you clearly realize the struggle that lies before you. I was quickly becoming consumed with "foam blocks" that kept derailing my progress of forward motion...emotionally and physically.
As I was running/praying this one day, I became aware of how easy it would be to become completely self consumed in my own grief. Crawling up into a ball of my own pain. My own brokenness and my own dispare. It would be somewhat reasonable to build walls around my hurt and shut everyone out, or to jail myself in...however you may look at it! Intense pain does that without our awareness sometimes. If we are not watching for it, it is a sure possibility. It seems our hearts are quick to protect us from further pain, but the reality is it can also be a road block to our healing if we stay hidden behind the hurt too long.
That day my prayer began to sound something like this, "Lord, don't allow my heart to become so withdrawn, so pained and self consumed that I miss the pain of those around me. Give me the ability to feel their pain despite my own. Allow me the strength to give of myself emotionally when my own "giver" is empty. The world is full of hurting people...may I be able to walk along side of them. For you have comforted not for me to be comfortable, but for me to be a comforter!!"
The irony of it all is that I can now see how God is using my pain and brokenness to allow me to see the hurting people around me. It is through my own sadness that I feel the desire to encourage those who are walking a road that seems unbearable. Somehow I sense that it is what He is using to heal my own broken heart and bring joy back into my life. I see now that my pain and sorrow may be the very tool He calls me to use to reflect His hope and joy to others. In return, my own heart will mend...I will find restoration and draw closer to the One who continues to redeem my life!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
May this moment never be forgotten.
Once upon a time there was this mother who had many children.
Specifically, her first born was what they now call a "tween"...somewhere between the ages of 10 and 12.
One day recently (ok... well today) that child, a son, was sick from school and though he was not feeling well... it seemed to be a great opportunity for a little one-on-one time. Somehow this mother felt that maybe it would be a good idea to "check in" with her son...to have a revisit of the ole' sex talk. You know nothing major, just an opportunity to find out what all he may be hearing at school, what might need more discussions, maybe a little clarification on some wrong information...etc.
Actually, the older this mother gets (not that she IS old) the less comfortable she feels with calling this topic the "sex talk" and the more she considers calling it "God's plan for pro-creation"!! It's just hard for her to think of her child and sex together in the same conversation.
Anyways, as the story goes...this mother had recently heard some horrific statistics of the number of boys that are being exposed to pornography...and the age in which the average boy is exposed to pornography these days is like 10! Yikes!
So being the good mother that she desires to be...she felt it time to ask a few questions. Find out what he knows and possibly take this opportunity to express what the Lord intended for our lives concerning this subject of "pro-creation".
So there she was this day posing the question...
" Honey, do you know what pornography is?".
Very frankly and simply he says
"yes, I know what what it is".
The mother just about had a stroke! She could not believe that her son was so informed. Where on earth had he gotten exposed to this information? Maybe the statistics where right after all! And more disturbing, why hadn't he come to her over this? They previously had open discussions and this mother thought he most certainly would have wanted to asked her for clarification as he had done many times in the past.
The mother says,
"wow, ok, well what do you know about it?".
Her son calmly responds,
"well Mom, its a kind of science."
"Science?" she says.
"yes Mom, science...you know like as in oceanography and astrology"
This mother was most definitely in need of new clothing!!
And unfortunately her son was now in need of an explanation of what was so funny!
By the time the true definition unfolded, this son's eyes were as big as softballs and he was extremely quiet! Actually, all he might have said was something along the lines of "wow, ya, that was nothing like what I was thinking"!!
After the laughing, crying, and discussions had all subsided...the son hugged his mom and said, "sometimes you crack me up Mom".
May this moment never be forgotten!!
Specifically, her first born was what they now call a "tween"...somewhere between the ages of 10 and 12.
One day recently (ok... well today) that child, a son, was sick from school and though he was not feeling well... it seemed to be a great opportunity for a little one-on-one time. Somehow this mother felt that maybe it would be a good idea to "check in" with her son...to have a revisit of the ole' sex talk. You know nothing major, just an opportunity to find out what all he may be hearing at school, what might need more discussions, maybe a little clarification on some wrong information...etc.
Actually, the older this mother gets (not that she IS old) the less comfortable she feels with calling this topic the "sex talk" and the more she considers calling it "God's plan for pro-creation"!! It's just hard for her to think of her child and sex together in the same conversation.
Anyways, as the story goes...this mother had recently heard some horrific statistics of the number of boys that are being exposed to pornography...and the age in which the average boy is exposed to pornography these days is like 10! Yikes!
So being the good mother that she desires to be...she felt it time to ask a few questions. Find out what he knows and possibly take this opportunity to express what the Lord intended for our lives concerning this subject of "pro-creation".
So there she was this day posing the question...
" Honey, do you know what pornography is?".
Very frankly and simply he says
"yes, I know what what it is".
The mother just about had a stroke! She could not believe that her son was so informed. Where on earth had he gotten exposed to this information? Maybe the statistics where right after all! And more disturbing, why hadn't he come to her over this? They previously had open discussions and this mother thought he most certainly would have wanted to asked her for clarification as he had done many times in the past.
The mother says,
"wow, ok, well what do you know about it?".
Her son calmly responds,
"well Mom, its a kind of science."
"Science?" she says.
"yes Mom, science...you know like as in oceanography and astrology"
This mother was most definitely in need of new clothing!!
And unfortunately her son was now in need of an explanation of what was so funny!
By the time the true definition unfolded, this son's eyes were as big as softballs and he was extremely quiet! Actually, all he might have said was something along the lines of "wow, ya, that was nothing like what I was thinking"!!
After the laughing, crying, and discussions had all subsided...the son hugged his mom and said, "sometimes you crack me up Mom".
May this moment never be forgotten!!
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