I have recently been looking over the pages, and line by line I have revisited some of the painful parts of this past year. Though they have brought back thoughts that stir up sadness and moments that I can hardly stand to embrace....I have seen something that I've never seen before. But, I see it now. They are there. On each page and ironically right next to the tears that have stained each line... finger prints. Not of my own, but of my Father... the One who promises to carry us when we can not walk. The One who sees us through the toughest parts of our lives. God's presence in my pain and His peace in the midst of gut wrenching decisions is seen all over my notebook. The imprint of His finger...His touch and His hand was at work.
On one particular day (Nov. 7, 2008) I wrote this:
In my isolation, God is revealing the truth of Himself to me. And at the same time, He is softly revealing to me the truth of my own self!
These were tough times and it wasn't pretty...the reality is, I had God all wrong! I had missed it big time. For most of my life, I had thought of God as my "clean up crew". My personal janitor, if you will. The one I would call for when I had a "spill in isle 4"!! Usually that would have resembled something more like a flood than a spill! (ahem)
I remember that day all too well. I sobbed. I confessed. I sobbed some more. I asked for forgiveness. The creator of the universe, the beginning and the end of everything we know...I had appointed as janitor. The one who was needed only when I had made a mess of things. And after He had done His job (in my opinion), I would politely thank Him and go about my business again of running my own life...though I wasn't doing it very well.
How righteous of me. How awful and downright embarrassing! And it still is really. I was ashamed but thankful for His patience. I kinda laugh now when I think of how many times He may have been hitting me over the head with the mop and bucket...trying to get my attention while in isle 4!!
Part of the revealing to me the truth of my own self brought me to many conclusions...one day I wrote this, "I've known how to run to God, but I've not figured out how to live for God". The difference is huge! And I had missed it completely!
In those moments of journaling, God began to rework my thinking. My thinking of who He is, as well as my thinking of who I am. He began to show me things that I never knew I had wrong. He unfolded an idea of a "personal relationship" with Him that I had missed somewhere along the line. He gently handed back the name tag I had put on Him that read "Jill's janitor" and allowed me to rewrite a new one that now reads "Jill's Savior".
I still struggle to get this all figured out! I know I have much to learn about how to live for God on a daily basis. But as I flip through these pages of my journal, I am incredibly humbled that He would be willing to walk this journey with me. I'm thankful that His finger prints were there all along...right there next to each tear as it hit the page! For I can't find a tear stain that doesn't have His finger print covering it! The perfect imprint of a finger that comes from a nail pierced hand!! That, my dear friends, is one awesome Savior!!
