Blind spots

Ok, so I promise this will be over soon...more pictures, less talking!
I promise!
I have some great pics to show and the kids are just growing leaps and bounds!! Oh and that Madelyn of mine...she is just something else...she's everything I dreamed of in a girl, and so much more! Love being her Mommy!!

I know I had mentioned at the end of the last post that I would be on the subject of guarding your hearts. Scratch that. Change of plans. Something else came up that I just thought I should add. Big surprise, I know.

The past several days, I have been pondering the issue of "blind spots". You know that place (in which we all have to some degree) that we just can't see? Things about ourselves that we are blind to. Maybe we just flat out don't want to see them either. But regardless, they are there!

Certainly some of us are just more naive than others, that does cause some blindness, some lack of ability to see things that are staring us in the face. But there is a certain blind spot that I believe can be a result of some unresolved issues (wounds) that leave us vulnerable! Deep hurt can manifest itself in such a way that it can affect most every area of our life...and do so without our ability to see it for what it really is...unresolved emotional baggage! Just change lanes, without a glance back, and shockingly find yourself in a heap of danger!! Been there? Me too!

I can see how relationships are huge when it comes to this. We may have unknowingly allowed ourselves to be in a relationship that in fact was very damaging...maybe even self destructive . I've had to really self evaluate my relationships...is there a theme? A common thread that seems to be familiar? Do we tend to find needy people? Do we seem to BE the needy one and therefore wear out people? Do we gravitate towards healthy, stable people with reasonable boundaries? Or do we find those who quickly set up expectations of us and have little awareness of someone else's feelings? Satan knows these areas of blind weakness and he will put people there in our blind spot to wreck us!

It also occurs to me that we also may find ourselves in someone else's blind spot. We can be blind enough to not see the potential danger of someone else's issues that we most certainly need no part of! These are accidents just waiting to happen! The enemy is all over stuff like this...and its an easy target because we don't see it at first!

If you have spent any time in the Gospels, you know Jesus does a lot of healing...and oddly enough, He is sympathetic to blindness! You will find it over and over again, "Jesus heals the blind"!

Matthew 20:32-34
Jesus stopped and called them (two blind men). "What do you want me to do for you?" he asked. "Lord, we want our sight", they answered. Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed them.

Right now, at this time in my life...I see that we are the blind man! We need to come to a point in which we recognize our blindness so we can ask for healing. Jesus asks "What do you want me to do for you?"...not because He didn't know what the blind man needed. He asked because He wants us to come to the point of seeing that we have needs, weaknesses, and blindness that only He can heal! He wants us humble enough to say "Lord, I want to see".

Jesus' touch is the only source of healing.
He know our blindness is dangerous and self destructive! Jesus will reveal to us the root issues behind our weaknesses...the truths of our blind spots. He wants to restore sight and give healthy vision. And I have found Him to be faithful in that promise!

But don't miss the last sentence, its huge...they received their sight and followed Him! God heals so that we may follow Him.

Our sight is imperative to moving forward, out of the darkness and in the direction of the Light!!
Our Heavenly Father will always be the Light to the blind!!

I have found my way out of a lot of darkness. And it hasn't been easy. I have spent a great deal of time reading, writing and praying. Everything I've asked God to help me understand...He has or He has in very specific ways said "I've got that Jill, don't worry about it". I can hardly type that without the tears emerging...some day I may share some of those, but for now...I want to encourage those of you who find yourself in some tough places...ask God for insight! You need sight before you can have insight!! He is the Wonderful Counselor...trust Him for He has 20/20 vision!!

With ALL my heart

I've pondered this long and hard. I've read books about it, prayed through the truths of it and cried a lot over it. Why my purse with holes (read this if your lost)? Why was my heart in need of healing in the first place? Where did it go wrong?

I've wondered what makes us so vulnerable to an infection that spreads throughout our heart and results in one bad decision after another? What trait in my personality finds me a front row seat on this roller coaster? Again and again. Beth Moore talks about this very thing in her book "Get out of that PIT"...what keeps us jumping from one self destructive pit to another? Pits that hold us hostage; emotionally, physically and spiritually?

Truthfully, I do not understand it all yet. Every one of us has different experiences and situations that factor into those questions. I'm not sure there is a cookie cutter answer here, but I have recently begun to see layers unfold that helps the fog disappear.

For those who may be able to relate to my more recent posts, who personally have felt the same symptoms...my suspicion is that somewhere along the line, some event (or events) occurred that wounded. Something painful took place that left its mark emotionally, and maybe for some physically.

I've discovered a harsh truth about wounds...they don't go away. Unfortunately, the opposite is most likely to occur. If left untreated, wounds grow. Deeper and wider. This area which is left open has great potential for becoming a breading ground for infection. And if we know anything about emotional infections...it is that they are just like bacteria, they spread.

Denial of the situation has not proven to do anything but lengthen the time of healing. I personally know this to be excruciatingly true! The symptoms will surface in one way or another. They are not the kind of thing that will lay dormant forever. And they are sneaky at times. Over the years they seem to show up in different colors, different shapes and sizes.

The trouble here for me was this....I didn't recognize my repeat failures as being connected to wounds that needed healing. I see it now, the undercurrent is there. And by failures, I don't mean a poor grade on a test. I mean wrong, self destructive decisions that are made over and over again...but are disguised by different circumstances. Truthfully, I wouldn't make the exact same mistake twice (well, ok maybe I would!). But typically, they each had some element that felt different. So of course I would have hope that it was going to turn out differently. It never did. The reason being...healing was needed, not a different set of circumstances!!

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you", declares the Lord,"and will bring you back from captivity".

Over time we become so used to this septic (filled with infection) way of feeling/living...that is seems normal and we develop a messed up sense of "normal". My friends, Christ did not say He planned heartache for us. He did not promise us a lifetime of self destruction and insecurity. We were not created for this unhealthy lifestyle, this septic heart that doesn't remember anything but inner turmoil and can never feel full.

As I was laying in bed one night, I felt my Father burn this into my mind...This is NOT A PERSONALITY TRAIT, this is a wound that the enemy has hung his "extended stay" sign on. Stubbornness is a personality trait, a heart that is wounded is not.


The enemy sets up camp in those vulnerable places. He is the one who wants that wound to destroy us. His intention is to keep that thing, that pain festering and wrapping chains around our lives! Captivity! The scissors are in his hands...he's cutting the holes bigger and bigger!

God promised us, as His children, that if we would seek Him with all our heart (holes and all!) that we would find Him! And through that seeking and finding...He would be set free from our own captivity! Ya'll I've just got to tell you what has convicted me over the past many months...most of my life I have sought God half heartedly but expected a whole hearted response!! I'm here to tell you this evening...it hasn't worked well for me!

Over the past 1-2 years, I have begun this incredible journey of seeking and finding. But this time, I seek with the full intention to do so with ALL MY HEART! I promise, it will lead you to freedom in Christ. Freedom in areas you may not even know you were captive to! God does make all things new. I have found Him to be the best seamstress I've ever found! Not to mention that His table is the safest place to open up your heart!!


He is the healer from captivity!!

(next time I will be addressing the "guarding of our hearts" that started this whole thing to begin with!!....whew....thanks for hanging in there with me!!)

Pictures of us

These are random...it takes too long to move them around, sorry!! Here is Madelyn for Halloween! She thought she was something else...and loved being all dittied up!!

Ramiro and I at Madelyn's 2nd birthday party!!

I live on my parents hay field...hay season is a crazy time....its hot, sticky and these weigh 60lb or so a piece!!

This is my yard!! 650 bales of hay!!


Sweet Home Alabama!!

This was just the beginning of fall...a few weeks ago!! This is what surrounds my house...mountains and open land!!

Andre and I at his 5th birthday party...this is my kitchen and things were a mess b/c we were still moving in!

Madleyn at my Granny's pool.

This was the front of my house back before we were able to move in. The little boys were very helpful with leveling out the dirt! I will post a newer picture soon of what it looks like now...big difference!

I will post pics inside the house soon as well!


This is the other end of the hay field, looking back at my house! Hay season means that I will have many trucks, tractors and men in overalls in my driveway and yard...this is country living!!

Dad's toys! And don't you know, I'm gunna learn to drive these baby's...one day!!

Andre at Granny's pool!

Dakota posing with his basketball coach from summer b-ball camp!! Funny though...I went to high school with this guy...now he's teaching my kids!

A purse with holes.

Sometimes I am amazed at my inbox. I have found myself in tears over most of them. Partly in shock that people care to read the blog (especially since there are no pictures right now...still in pursuit of working that issue), but also burdened by the knowledge that most of us struggle with the same set of emotions though we all experience different circumstances. Most of us can relate to hurt, we can relate to bad choices, we can relate to God's calling in our lives, and we can remember times of great growth through painful trials! To those of you who have shared parts of your life with me...please know that I find myself thinking of you often and praying for God's guidance over you. I do not take them lightly.

I have always had a passion for the hurting. I can remember specific events in my childhood and youth that have burdened my heart so deeply that they still to this day stir up emotions in the inner most part of my being. I believe those events have helped to pave the way and lead me to where I am today, a burden for the brokenhearted! Everything from hearing cries for help from a dumpster I walked by, a drunk who tripped and fell on the sidewalk just ahead of me, or a family who waits in the ICU waiting room while their daughter barely clings onto life. They have all had an impact and serve as a reminder that compassion is a tender thing!

As I have pondered over what I would say about this journey of being "under the knife" of God's healing over my heart... I want to say this first: I have not gotten through this yet. I pray that I'm making headway and that I am coming close to truly being set free from some illnesses that have plagued my heart. I can only share what I have experienced (though I do so without details of specific events), and where God has directed my thoughts. Each of us come to Him with a very different set of needs and unique experiences...my prayer is that through sharing where I have been with Him, you will be encouraged to seek Him for yourself! To go before Him with your own heart and lay it down at His table! I do not have great words of wisdom. But I feel led to share what God is doing in my life...and I'm still under the conviction that this is more for my benefit than yours!

I believe that I have come to this time of heart surgery much like a patient who begins to notice symptoms of something that just doesn't seem right. At first, it doesn't seem like much. No big deal, hardly paying it any attention. Later you notice it again. Still no biggie. Strangely there were other times (maybe long periods of time) in which you completely forgot about it...for the symptoms never showed themselves, or that you could recognize at least. Maybe it was a fluke (denial causes blindness!). But then some time later it reappears...maybe just as before or maybe by now it looks very different.

As I look back over the past 10-13 years, I notice this to be my story. I can see the symptoms that were visible back many, many years ago. I notice times that they didn't seem to be as evident...though I'm sure they were there all along. More recently, I came to a point when the symptoms just couldn't be ignored anymore! For me, the breaking moment was a huge crisis in my personal life. It was a time in which the devistation of the crisis caused the floodgates of years of pain and hurt to fly open with great force!! Why these bad choices (over and over again), why these crazy emotions, why tearful outbursts that seemed to have no trigger, why the feeling that my emotional needs were never met, why running to things that self destruct? Why? Here's why.

Haggai 1:5-6
"...give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it."

This verse came to me almost a year ago...and wouldn't you know, our pastor preached on it yesterday!! This verse is where it all began to click for me. I (unknowingly) was searching to fill...only to remain empty. I was hungry for something, I thought it was something the right guy could give. I was thirsty and I found the wrong cup to drink out of. I hid behind many garments (and relationships), still cold inside. Not only was my purse full of holes...so was my heart.

The truth became clear...there was some mending that needed to take place. Strongholds had found their way into my life while I was searching for outside means in which to fill an inside hunger. An unsatisfied soul is a dangerous place and the consequences will tear the thing to shreds! It is true that we can not be sold something if we are satisfied! And when we are not, the FOR SALE sign sits infront of the enemy!!

Hence where I ended up with the heart condition I've talked about earlier! My heart has been bound up with things like insecurities, fears, a roller coaster of sin, emotional needs that no human could fill, hurt, intense anger, ocd, denial, etc. Need I continue?

These were the symptoms. The root issue here was not the guy I was dating, the job I had, the friends I was with (though they weren't helping the situation). These symptoms are ones that scream from a heart that is hurting and in need of the Fathers healing. These symptoms cry out from a soul that needs a deep, personal relationship with the "right guy"...God!!

In the next post I will share specifically what I have come to understand about why heart problems start in the first place. Why are we so vulnerable to it? Did a specific event leave a wound that infected?

I will also share how God has brought some healing in my life and what He is continuing to show me about guarding my heart!!

FYI...It's not really about keeping everyone out. It's more about letting the right things in and keeping the wrong things out!

Under the knife.

Proverbs 4:23
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." NIV

" Keep your heart with all diligence, for out if it spring the issues of life." NKJV

"Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts." The Message

Recently, this verse has been sitting in the front row of my mind...I've tried to ignore it...and it's darn persistent. Reminds me of someone I know very well....ahem.....so I've given in. Here's whats come of it.


If you are like me, maybe you have noticed that heart conditions can be ignored for some time. Maybe from denial, maybe from plain old stubbornness, maybe the symptoms were not loud enough to warrant the attention needed. But eventually, heart conditions (which never heal on their own!) will demand attention and if it flat out doesn't kill us first...we will be faced with a serious moment of decision.

That moment may come at any given time. It may look like a crisis or it may just be a "rude awakening". But let there be no mistake, it will come and it will be intentional. An unhealthy heart will not sit silently forever!

The symptoms? Oh, they are many. Pain, numbness, tightness of chest, irritability, lightheaded or unclear thinking...are a few. But what about...bad attitudes, perpetual bad choices, unforgiveness, sin, pride, defiance, anger, gossip disguised in many different forms, lack of desire for God's word, nonexistent/sporadic prayer life, trouble setting boundaries, etc. Recognize any of those?

What if I added blindness to the list of symptoms of an unhealthy heart? The lack of ability to see things as God would have us. Something that affects how we see but also what we don't see! It's a little less obvious, but its not to be forgotten!! It's a killer!

So do you see yourself here? Anything seem familiar?

It does for me. I know some of these issues well. Very well actually.

The diagnosis: It's a condition of the heart, a heart problem...yes,an unhealthy heart. Maybe for some of us, the damage is significant enough to be called "heart disease". Whatever you might want to call it...its a SICK HEART THAT'S IN NEED OF HEALING!!

I have recently sat before my Master Physician and heard the diagnosis for myself. It's not fun. I didn't like it. I wanted to ask for a second opinion and give my 2 cents worth. He wasn't impressed!

The long and short of it is this...I have a choice to make.
1) Ignore it.
2) Repair it.

My dear friends, after several days of kicking and screaming, I've opted for heart surgery. I want this thing repaired. I am sick and tired of working the same issues, the same sin, the same feelings, and same bad ideas over and over again. I'm tired of being the one hurting and disappointed. I'm ready to get over and heal that thing that keeps this vicious cycle going! And it promises to do just that if its given a band aid instead of healing! I know this one "by heart", I promise!!

So, I surrender to the knife of my Father.
Lord, I'm at your mercy. I lay before you, at your table, just as I am. Hurt, broken, sinful and in need of repair. You are the Master Physician and the healer of our hearts. For you sent your Son to "heal the brokenhearted and to bind up our wounds". Remove that which is damaged. Take what is hindering my growth. Give me wisdom so I may see what is needed in order to be what you created me for. I trust your hand.

I begin this journey "under the knife" because God has burdened my heart to do so. But, I have become increasingly aware of the wide spread heart damage that our society has endured. Our churches have suffered, our youth are in crisis, and our families are falling apart! My suspicion is this: we are all in need of a little heart work! If in doubt, watch the news! So, if you would like to join me in this...please do. As always, I love to hear from you. I will be studying this verse (listed above) as well as others that pertain to guarding our hearts and healing, for I am totally convinced that the guarding of our hearts is just as crucial as the healing! I will continue to share this journey with you here on this blog over the next several weeks, or however long God sees fit. Or course, His timing looks a bit different than mine most times!

There is a battle over your heart! It is real and it is war! The enemy knows that it is the most critical place for attack...for our hearts are the very place where God connects Himself to us!! It is the most real, the most intimate part of who we are! Our hearts should not belong to just whatever and whoever offers to fill it! Our hearts belong to Him...let the surgery begin!!
Healing awaits us!