A purse with holes.

Sometimes I am amazed at my inbox. I have found myself in tears over most of them. Partly in shock that people care to read the blog (especially since there are no pictures right now...still in pursuit of working that issue), but also burdened by the knowledge that most of us struggle with the same set of emotions though we all experience different circumstances. Most of us can relate to hurt, we can relate to bad choices, we can relate to God's calling in our lives, and we can remember times of great growth through painful trials! To those of you who have shared parts of your life with me...please know that I find myself thinking of you often and praying for God's guidance over you. I do not take them lightly.

I have always had a passion for the hurting. I can remember specific events in my childhood and youth that have burdened my heart so deeply that they still to this day stir up emotions in the inner most part of my being. I believe those events have helped to pave the way and lead me to where I am today, a burden for the brokenhearted! Everything from hearing cries for help from a dumpster I walked by, a drunk who tripped and fell on the sidewalk just ahead of me, or a family who waits in the ICU waiting room while their daughter barely clings onto life. They have all had an impact and serve as a reminder that compassion is a tender thing!

As I have pondered over what I would say about this journey of being "under the knife" of God's healing over my heart... I want to say this first: I have not gotten through this yet. I pray that I'm making headway and that I am coming close to truly being set free from some illnesses that have plagued my heart. I can only share what I have experienced (though I do so without details of specific events), and where God has directed my thoughts. Each of us come to Him with a very different set of needs and unique experiences...my prayer is that through sharing where I have been with Him, you will be encouraged to seek Him for yourself! To go before Him with your own heart and lay it down at His table! I do not have great words of wisdom. But I feel led to share what God is doing in my life...and I'm still under the conviction that this is more for my benefit than yours!

I believe that I have come to this time of heart surgery much like a patient who begins to notice symptoms of something that just doesn't seem right. At first, it doesn't seem like much. No big deal, hardly paying it any attention. Later you notice it again. Still no biggie. Strangely there were other times (maybe long periods of time) in which you completely forgot about it...for the symptoms never showed themselves, or that you could recognize at least. Maybe it was a fluke (denial causes blindness!). But then some time later it reappears...maybe just as before or maybe by now it looks very different.

As I look back over the past 10-13 years, I notice this to be my story. I can see the symptoms that were visible back many, many years ago. I notice times that they didn't seem to be as evident...though I'm sure they were there all along. More recently, I came to a point when the symptoms just couldn't be ignored anymore! For me, the breaking moment was a huge crisis in my personal life. It was a time in which the devistation of the crisis caused the floodgates of years of pain and hurt to fly open with great force!! Why these bad choices (over and over again), why these crazy emotions, why tearful outbursts that seemed to have no trigger, why the feeling that my emotional needs were never met, why running to things that self destruct? Why? Here's why.

Haggai 1:5-6
"...give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it."

This verse came to me almost a year ago...and wouldn't you know, our pastor preached on it yesterday!! This verse is where it all began to click for me. I (unknowingly) was searching to fill...only to remain empty. I was hungry for something, I thought it was something the right guy could give. I was thirsty and I found the wrong cup to drink out of. I hid behind many garments (and relationships), still cold inside. Not only was my purse full of holes...so was my heart.

The truth became clear...there was some mending that needed to take place. Strongholds had found their way into my life while I was searching for outside means in which to fill an inside hunger. An unsatisfied soul is a dangerous place and the consequences will tear the thing to shreds! It is true that we can not be sold something if we are satisfied! And when we are not, the FOR SALE sign sits infront of the enemy!!

Hence where I ended up with the heart condition I've talked about earlier! My heart has been bound up with things like insecurities, fears, a roller coaster of sin, emotional needs that no human could fill, hurt, intense anger, ocd, denial, etc. Need I continue?

These were the symptoms. The root issue here was not the guy I was dating, the job I had, the friends I was with (though they weren't helping the situation). These symptoms are ones that scream from a heart that is hurting and in need of the Fathers healing. These symptoms cry out from a soul that needs a deep, personal relationship with the "right guy"...God!!

In the next post I will share specifically what I have come to understand about why heart problems start in the first place. Why are we so vulnerable to it? Did a specific event leave a wound that infected?

I will also share how God has brought some healing in my life and what He is continuing to show me about guarding my heart!!

FYI...It's not really about keeping everyone out. It's more about letting the right things in and keeping the wrong things out!