The other side of the painting

For those of you who have sent me comments, either of encouragement or other times wondering how I'm really doing...I want to say thank you. You know who you are, and so do I. I appreciate your willingness to express to me what God is doing in your life and how in some small way, what I share becomes part of your experience with Him. Thank you for sharing your life with me.

For today, I feel I need to share another aspect of my life with you...this journey I'm walking through isn't always as it may seem. There's another side...

I wish I could say that every day I experience God's overwhelming love and feel uplifted by His grace and mercy. I wish I could say that I see God in all things...and that I feel blessed on a daily basis. I wish I could, but I can't.

It is only fair that I be real and not paint a picture that my faith protects me from the harsh realities of life. That my faith is strong on every front and never gets shaken. I do not want to paint a picture that gives the impression that with the Lord, all else will be good. The truth for today is that I'm struggling to put my happy face on. I'm usually very bubbly and upbeat. I wish it were so for today as well, but it's not.

Today, I don't want to hear how good God is. I do know He is...but I just don't want to hear it today. I can't seem to feel the good right now. I don't want to hear about miracles today either. I do know He has done great things...but I wanted a miracle that didn't happen. I don't want to give my burdens to the Lord today either. I'm tired of giving today.

Today I want to know "why". Why did this not work out for me? Why did this all have to fall apart and cause so much hurt and pain? Why didn't all the counseling help? Why do I have to say goodbye and why do I have to start over? Why didn't my Father heal the way I wanted? So all this would just be a bad dream, not reality.

I hesitate to share any of this. It may be judged. It may sound harsh. You may be critical of me. You may question the truth in everything else I've ever said. I suppose it's the chance I take.

I know the right things to say, the right thoughts to have and what to do with disappointments and hurt. I know who to carry all those things to. It's to the Lord. And I will. But for today...I just don't feel like it.

I want to express that I understand the frustration that many of you have spoken to me about. I understand the hurt and pain that life can bring. I understand the disappointment with the Lord's ways. I totally get why faith can be so hard. I know the feeling of "why did you allow this God?". I don't always trust God either. I want to hold on to my own ideas. I want to see my plan work out...you know, Plan A!! Sometimes I like my death grip. I don't want to release and give it up.

And please don't think for a minute that I have answers for all this. I do know who has all the answers, but I just want mine immediately and I want to get a "vote" on a few things, you know?

I will be ok. I will work through these feelings and emotions. I will take them to the Lord! I will come through this season of sadness and eventually will sleep on a dry pillow sheet that isn't stained in tears and mascara.

I just wanted a chance to be brutally honest and open about how hard this all can get sometimes. I know many Christians who seem to forget that the world is hurting, and we must be able to relate to them, to seem real to them. We can't give them a band aid that says "try Jesus" and hope it heals their wounds.

And this morning, I felt the need to share this thought that came to mind: I wouldn't paint a very accurate picture of myself if I only gave you a glimpse of the good days, the front side of the painting, if you will. The side that shows only my journey when my faith is strong. The side that we want looking nice and neat...the side that appears to have its "act together". It's the side that we work very hard to keep pretty, the side we want all to see.

There's the other side of the painting too...the side that we hide from most everyone. We keep it protected back there behind the other and try to keep the focus else where because it exposes the weaknesses and the hurt. Its the side that is vulnerable and raw.

Today, I just felt I needed to expose this other side. The side where faith is hard, trusting seems impossible and disappointments are painful. The side where I do question God and find myself wondering where He is in all of this. It is the side that lacks beautiful colors and honestly isn't very pretty to see, but it would be wrong of me to act like it wasn't there!

Dancing at the coastline.

The sun rose that day in April and there was a sadness that ached through every part of my being. This was the day when all was final and the papers would have their official signatures, marking the end of this chapter in my life. I had packed to be gone for the day, knowing I would be in no shape to handle the demands of home after the events of the morning.


I knew I would need to be alone to run, to process and to let go of whatever else I had a death grip on.


I do not remember the drive to the beach that afternoon, the decision of where to park, or how I changed my clothes. But as I stepped out onto that sand, fully dressed to run its shores...I sensed that every step would be significant, every moment would remain etched in my memory for years to come.


As I ran, I stayed close to the edge...the coastline. As it curved in and out, so did I...I followed it for miles and traced it back again. I was reminded how the coastline changes throughout the day, as the tide comes and goes....at times the water covered the sand with a thick layer of protection. Other parts of the day, as the water pulled back, the sand lay open and exposed. Vulnerable to the heat, the disruption of running footsteps, children digging and birds scurrying around.



Sometimes the intensity of the waves were fierce. Other times they were gentle and softly rolled up to the sand. Back and forth, I watched this exchange all afternoon...through my tears, laughter, sadness, anger, frustration and exhaustion...back and forth the waves moved in and out, rearranging the curves of the shore.


Later, I went to the car to get my camera and my notebook.
Here's what I wrote: I'm not able to take my attention off this shore. As the waves come, they always bring something new to the coastline. And as the water draws back, it takes away too. Back and forth the dance continues, it gives and it takes away. It's all in His plan, I suppose. Molding this shore more to His likeness, closer to His plan.

I had decided many times that afternoon to go ahead and leave. Planning to go back home to be with the kids...but I couldn't. I kept turning back. Back to take one more picture, one more deep breath, one more chance to let my hair blow in the breeze. I just couldn't turn away from the coastline, it had me captivated. As the sun started to set, I turned to capture that moment one more time as well...here's what I saw...



The Cross.

That shoreline was where Jesus met me that day.

The Cross.

It's where my Father and I, His child joined to become one.

The Cross.

The ultimate gift of love.

The Cross.

Where hope is offered.

Where healing can restore.

Where reshaping will occur.

Where protection is a guarantee.

It was where I would begin to see that God will take of me what is not of Him.

He will wash away.

But He will also give, restore and reshape.

He will redeem and rebuild.

It is the Cross that joins the mighty wave and the vulnerable sand!

The coastline.

And it is through the Cross that this dance becomes so captivating!

I just can't turn away from it.

For today

Busy? Yes.
Tad emotional? Yes.
Packing? Yes.
Dreading the "goodbye's"? Yes.
Still running? Yes.
Excited? Yes.
End of the school year countdown? Yes.
Blog slacker? Yes.
Overwhelmed? Yes.
Understand everything that's going on? No.

I am anxiously looking ahead. But honestly, I don't get it all now.
I can't seem to understand all of God's ways, but I trust His hand!
John 13: 7 says "Jesus replied, 'You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.' "

I'm holding out hope on that verse.
As I put my memories into boxes, packing up the things that I will take with me as I start another chapter in my life...it is a bitter sweet time.

Full of sadness? Yes.
Full of unknowns? Yes.
Full of faith? Absolutely.

Full Attention

Full Attention by Jeremy Riddle
(turn your speakers up...its playing!)


May Your voice be louder
May Your voice be clearer
Than all the others

May Your face be dearer
May Your words be sweeter
Than all the others in my life

Please keep my eyes fixed on You
Please root my heart so deep in You
Keep me abiding, keep me abiding
Keep me abiding that I may bear fruit

May Your your presence be truer
May Your presence be nearer
Than all the others

And may Your light shine brighter
And may Your love move deeper
Than all the other my God
Than all the others in my life

Please keep my eyes fixed on You
Please root my heart so deep in You
Keep me abiding, keep me abiding
Keep me abiding that I may bear fruit

Please keep my eyes fixed on You
Please root my heart so deep in You
Keep me asking, keep me near
Keep me abiding that I may bear fruit
Keep me close to You

Oh, right next to Your heart

Close to You

A friend of mine sent me this song yesterday...oh mercy, I fell in love with it after the first line...and not that you care but, its in my favorite key...
Oh how I love a sweet song in the key of A!
I immediately felt my heart jump all over this melody line and lyrics.

The recent events of my life have proven to provide an overload of thoughts, feelings and emotions that at times has led to much confusion. Many people giving advice (some I've asked for, others not as much so...), encounters that seem unusual, internal voices coming from every direction, an awareness of things that I've not seen in a long time.

My prayer has become this song...may my Fathers voice be louder and clearer than any others. May His presence be the truest and closest thing I know.
May I remember that His love is the deepest love there is!
And that He is the only place that is safe to anchor the roots of my life.
Therefore my place in this crazy "single" world...is right next to His heart!

My purest desire is to be found there, snuggled up in the arms of my Savior where I can clearly hear every beat of His heart!

This song entered my life just at the right time...thank you Lord for your hand that is at work and the healing that I know is to come! You have my Full Attention!

For the love of running.

Wow...a week since I've posted, it might be a record. I wanted a chance to let it soak in...my last post and all. If your scratching your head...here it is. The rest of this might make better sense if your just joining this blog.


I've had a trillion things going on in my head. Weird how "processing" works, huh? One minute you think you've got a handle on things, the next your uncomfortable when someone says "are you ok?". Uncomfortable because your not too sure if you are really "OK" or ever were!?!@?


Things that seemed so normal before, things that never really stood out...now they sting.

I attended a wedding this past weekend. I've never found myself holding my breath during wedding vows before (not even my own), but this weekend, I did. The wedding was precious and I'm excited for them both...they're currently in Jamaica...hate them! But, I'm here to tell you...a wedding brings an interesting gamut of feelings when you've just gotten "unmarried". Not to mention all the "love" talk...



Once I got home and kissed all the kids, I quickly threw on my running clothes/shoes and was out the door. I wanted to sing to my ipod and run like a kid...I was tired of adult issues and complicated feelings. Instead I ran through tears of sadness which had been burning in my heart since the wedding. The mental replay of "till death do us part" stung like alcohol in a fresh wound.

I suppose this is a process...one of ups and downs. Goods and bads.
It was a wonderful feeling to run again and let go of all the disappointments that felt so new, but strangely, so familiar.

I ran hard and it felt great!
I laid my burdens down and it felt so freeing!

I was reminded of the things I love and my heart was relieved!

With all the crazy yo-yo emotions and feelings that seem to be missing...I still love!
I love many things, and lots of things...
but that day, in that moment...
it was simply that I love to run!