With ALL my heart

I've pondered this long and hard. I've read books about it, prayed through the truths of it and cried a lot over it. Why my purse with holes (read this if your lost)? Why was my heart in need of healing in the first place? Where did it go wrong?

I've wondered what makes us so vulnerable to an infection that spreads throughout our heart and results in one bad decision after another? What trait in my personality finds me a front row seat on this roller coaster? Again and again. Beth Moore talks about this very thing in her book "Get out of that PIT"...what keeps us jumping from one self destructive pit to another? Pits that hold us hostage; emotionally, physically and spiritually?

Truthfully, I do not understand it all yet. Every one of us has different experiences and situations that factor into those questions. I'm not sure there is a cookie cutter answer here, but I have recently begun to see layers unfold that helps the fog disappear.

For those who may be able to relate to my more recent posts, who personally have felt the same symptoms...my suspicion is that somewhere along the line, some event (or events) occurred that wounded. Something painful took place that left its mark emotionally, and maybe for some physically.

I've discovered a harsh truth about wounds...they don't go away. Unfortunately, the opposite is most likely to occur. If left untreated, wounds grow. Deeper and wider. This area which is left open has great potential for becoming a breading ground for infection. And if we know anything about emotional infections...it is that they are just like bacteria, they spread.

Denial of the situation has not proven to do anything but lengthen the time of healing. I personally know this to be excruciatingly true! The symptoms will surface in one way or another. They are not the kind of thing that will lay dormant forever. And they are sneaky at times. Over the years they seem to show up in different colors, different shapes and sizes.

The trouble here for me was this....I didn't recognize my repeat failures as being connected to wounds that needed healing. I see it now, the undercurrent is there. And by failures, I don't mean a poor grade on a test. I mean wrong, self destructive decisions that are made over and over again...but are disguised by different circumstances. Truthfully, I wouldn't make the exact same mistake twice (well, ok maybe I would!). But typically, they each had some element that felt different. So of course I would have hope that it was going to turn out differently. It never did. The reason being...healing was needed, not a different set of circumstances!!

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you", declares the Lord,"and will bring you back from captivity".

Over time we become so used to this septic (filled with infection) way of feeling/living...that is seems normal and we develop a messed up sense of "normal". My friends, Christ did not say He planned heartache for us. He did not promise us a lifetime of self destruction and insecurity. We were not created for this unhealthy lifestyle, this septic heart that doesn't remember anything but inner turmoil and can never feel full.

As I was laying in bed one night, I felt my Father burn this into my mind...This is NOT A PERSONALITY TRAIT, this is a wound that the enemy has hung his "extended stay" sign on. Stubbornness is a personality trait, a heart that is wounded is not.


The enemy sets up camp in those vulnerable places. He is the one who wants that wound to destroy us. His intention is to keep that thing, that pain festering and wrapping chains around our lives! Captivity! The scissors are in his hands...he's cutting the holes bigger and bigger!

God promised us, as His children, that if we would seek Him with all our heart (holes and all!) that we would find Him! And through that seeking and finding...He would be set free from our own captivity! Ya'll I've just got to tell you what has convicted me over the past many months...most of my life I have sought God half heartedly but expected a whole hearted response!! I'm here to tell you this evening...it hasn't worked well for me!

Over the past 1-2 years, I have begun this incredible journey of seeking and finding. But this time, I seek with the full intention to do so with ALL MY HEART! I promise, it will lead you to freedom in Christ. Freedom in areas you may not even know you were captive to! God does make all things new. I have found Him to be the best seamstress I've ever found! Not to mention that His table is the safest place to open up your heart!!


He is the healer from captivity!!

(next time I will be addressing the "guarding of our hearts" that started this whole thing to begin with!!....whew....thanks for hanging in there with me!!)