It's taking longer and longer to figure out what day it is when I wake up in the morning...and lately I quickly assume it's a school day when I awake to the sound of my Dad at the door wanting to drop off lunch boxes. It goes something like this, "Oh Dad hey, ya we are up (now), and ok yes, it's a school day? Ok, thanks, ya I'm fine (will be soon)". I then realize we are in a huge hurry and have no time to look for everyone's lost shoe or to worry about matching socks...if its white, its a go! The daily race against the clock begins as a sprint each morning and by the time the caffeine hits the bloodstream, I'm already buried deep in my Old Testament exegetical commentary, writing an essay of the Abrahamic Covenant. Wow, that was a long sentence! And suddenly I feel a long post...
All the meanwhile, Dakota is heavy on my heart. The girl friend thing is a rude awakening, for him as well as I. He's finding out that what I told him 2 years ago is still true...girls change their minds and for no other reason but to change their mind! He acted as if it was some profound statement I had just made and asked me where I learned the idea from.
"Um, duh...I'm. a. girl. Dakota!!"
"Oh ya, right. I guess you are."
Recently he was at the dentist and was allowed to pick something out of the treasure box in their office...which is totally funny to me at the age of 12!! He thumbed through the toys and found a really cute hemp type bracelet. He decided on the red beaded one and later told me it was for his "girlfriend". Wha? You got that bracelet to give to your "friend that's a girl" (as I prefer)? I mean really...if the bracelet came from the toys in a treasure box that you dug through at the dentist, are we ready to be calling her a "girlfriend"? Anyways, I'll not continue my mental anguish over that subject here on this blog. So 3 days later (this would be a total of 5 days after they started "going out", but who's counting), Dakota felt ready to give the gift to his first ever girlfriend. He hid it in his jean pocket and asked my thoughts that morning on appropriate timing for the gift exchange. We discussed some ideas and I wished him good luck, he was nervous. And so was I. I know a few things about girls...after all.
All the way home my mind was racing:
THAT girl had better be gracious! She had better thank him and appreciate that he thought of her! I mean he COULD have gotten a green army man, or a bouncy ball, or a key chain for himself! But he didn't! He thought of her and was willing to face the awkwardness of giving it to her! And to do so knowing that the other kids might make fun of him! She had better wear it IMMEDIATELY and show ALL her friends! And if I catch wind of her being....
I eventually regrouped and stopped the mental bashing of this poor 12 year old girl that I didn't even know. Maybe she would recognize his thoughtfulness. Maybe she would thank him and be very sweet about it.
I picked him up that afternoon anxiously anticipating the 411. Immediately his face gave all indications that something didn't go well.
"um, Dakota...is everything ok"
"no"
"oh gosh, I'm so sorry, so do you want to talk now?"
"I guess"
"ummmm, okkkkk, soooo....did you give her the bracelet?"
"no"
"well, honey, why not?"
" she broke up with me!"
"She did WHAT?"
"Ya Mom, she sent her squad of friends over to my lunch table to tell me that she wanted to break up"
"Well, did the SQUAD happen to mention why?"
"yes, they said that she said that I wasn't spending enough time with her"
"Enough time with her?? Heck, ya'll are in 4 of 7 classes together...and your in the 6th grade for crying out loud, trying to get an education!"
(I looked over to find tears rolling down his face and his lip quivering)
"Dakota, babe, I'm so sorry...girls are really tough at this age, well, at any age really...actually, they are just no good, no good at all. Maybe you should just forget about them all together and just love on your Momma the rest of your life and ...."
No just kidding, I didn't say all of that last line. Just most of it.
Dakota had experienced his first rejection, and he was heart broken!
And so was I.
It was a long night and we both had shirts soaked with tears of disappointment.
We talked about it for several days and eventually laughed about ways to get revenge (not really, just to lighten the mood).
That very same week, Dakota had his first ever baseball game! We were pumped and we each gave him a few words of encouragement as we drove to the game...
Me: "Dakota, keep focused, do what you know to do, be of good character son, and have fun"
Andre: "Kota, um, hit hard"
Madelyn: (she went blank under the pressure)
Ramiro: "Dakota. Win."
The other team was at bat first, so that put Dakota's team out in field. I watched every step my child took out of the dug out...and sure enough he stopped at the pitchers mound! My heart sunk and I felt the need to begin my normal back and forth rocking motion, its how I keep calm. Long story short... he did well. But it was tough! This team was awesome and our team is...well let me get back to my point here! They lost 11-0. Dakota batted great and really did well for his first ever baseball game! He held up under the pressure and I was proud of him.
HE, on the other hand...was devastated! He got in the car and sobbed all the way home! He felt like he had lost the game for his team and nothing I said seemed to help AT ALL!
He was heart broken!
And so was I.
It was another long night.
And once again we shared tears of disappointment.
****************************************************************
That week, while out on my runs, my mind kept going back almost 13 years ago. To a little clinic in Indiana where I had just done a pregnancy test and was having my first ever ultrasound. It was a moment I will never forget. The nurse, myself and a tiny beating heart on a screen...just the 3 of us, we knew something no one else did. As I sat there in complete shock and disbelief, I remember hearing the swoosh of each beat and watching each chamber expand and contract. Time stood still as I tried to make sense of that moment.
A few days afterwards I wrote in my journal, I wanted to share it. I have it posted in his baby scrap book next to the ultrasound picture.
"I've just seen your heart beat, what an amazing thing. A heart that is pumping and using my blood to create your own. Baby, take what you need from me to be healthy. The heart I heard was the heart that will be pounding when you are born in April. The same heart beat I will feel when I hold you close to me at night. The same heart that will beat wildly when you first go to school. Your fear and anxiety will cause that same beat I heard to race. It will be the same beating heart that pumps when you are playing and moving about. But it will also be the heart that loves and breaks. Baby, I will help you learn to love and be here when you have the heart breaks. I do not know how to be your Mother, I am scared, but please be patient...we will learn this together! I love you, Mom"
I haven't been able to get that beating heart off my mind lately. I hear it in the shower. I see it in my textbooks. It follows me on my runs. I sense it in most every moment.
The truth is...what happens to my children, happens to me.
What I didn't know almost 13 years ago?
When that precious heart would be hurt...there would be 2 hearts to tend to, not one!
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