A million little pieces

I was washing my face, brushing my teeth and doing the general night-time routine before I collapsed into bed. I was VERY DONE with this particular day and was no longer interested in mothering, refereeing, cleaning, or being upright for that matter; I needed sleep in a bad way! As is often the case, my shadow (aka Madelyn) was in the bathroom with me and I remember thinking she was not her normal self; quieter than usual. Normally there are rapid fire questions ranging anywhere from “Where is God really?” to “Why do you put your toothbrush there?” Not this night, she hadn’t said much until I turned off the light and attempted to usher her to HER OWN bed (lets just say her new horse sheets & quilt set that I recently bought hadn’t yielded the results I was hoping for! grrr).

Madelyn: “Mom, I just feel like I’m gunna cry and I don’t know why”

Me: “Cry? Did something happen?”

Madelyn: “I don’t know. I feel like my crying-ness is coming up inside of me and I don’t know why”

Her bottom lip was quivering, her voice cracking.

Immediately I put my ‘I’m done mothering today’ plans on hold, realizing there was an important moment that needed my attention. (Note to new Moms: these moments always happen when your too tired, had other plans, are depleted of energy and patience, and/or its very much past bedtime. Only then.)

I was so proud of her words that were so well stated for a just turned 6 year old. And yet I was concerned about what was instigating this “crying-ness” that was coming up inside of her **oh be still my beating heart!**

I brought Madelyn up into my bed (again, NOT what I had planned for the evening; wishing I had not spent the money on horse sheets after all) and held her tight.

Real tight. Tight enough to be sure that if she needed to cry, I’d catch every tear.

I ran through the list of things that were potentially at the root of this. She denied every one of my suggestions. She wasn’t particularly missing her Papi (Dad), her brother’s hadn’t said anything that had hurt her feelings, she wasn’t getting nervous about school (yet…); nothing.

So we just snuggled-it-out together. Wrapped up like a burrito in my arms, safe from whatever was burdening her…suddenly she was snoring and all was well again in her soul.

 

As I laid there, listening to the rhythm of her breathing, I was reminded of a ceramic bird I had bought many years ago while going through my divorce. It spoke about those moments in life when we feel like the warning label on an aerosol bottle, “Caution: contents under pressure”. A time in my life when I could literally feel myself coming undone. Cracking in places I knew I couldn’t hold together. The good news was: I didn’t have to.

As this little girl of mine, now completely in the land of nod, grows older and things become more complicated, I know she will need much more than I can ever give her in these moments…

Lord, as Madelyn goes through life, as she begins to feel the pressures of this world and her ‘crying-ness feels like it’s coming up inside of her’  ~ Father, hold her tight. Real tight. Just as you have in my life, just as this bird so perfectly reminds us…

when we’re in a million little pieces,

it is you that holds us together!

 

~He [Jesus] is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. Colossians 1:15-17~