Under the knife.

Proverbs 4:23
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." NIV

" Keep your heart with all diligence, for out if it spring the issues of life." NKJV

"Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts." The Message

Recently, this verse has been sitting in the front row of my mind...I've tried to ignore it...and it's darn persistent. Reminds me of someone I know very well....ahem.....so I've given in. Here's whats come of it.


If you are like me, maybe you have noticed that heart conditions can be ignored for some time. Maybe from denial, maybe from plain old stubbornness, maybe the symptoms were not loud enough to warrant the attention needed. But eventually, heart conditions (which never heal on their own!) will demand attention and if it flat out doesn't kill us first...we will be faced with a serious moment of decision.

That moment may come at any given time. It may look like a crisis or it may just be a "rude awakening". But let there be no mistake, it will come and it will be intentional. An unhealthy heart will not sit silently forever!

The symptoms? Oh, they are many. Pain, numbness, tightness of chest, irritability, lightheaded or unclear thinking...are a few. But what about...bad attitudes, perpetual bad choices, unforgiveness, sin, pride, defiance, anger, gossip disguised in many different forms, lack of desire for God's word, nonexistent/sporadic prayer life, trouble setting boundaries, etc. Recognize any of those?

What if I added blindness to the list of symptoms of an unhealthy heart? The lack of ability to see things as God would have us. Something that affects how we see but also what we don't see! It's a little less obvious, but its not to be forgotten!! It's a killer!

So do you see yourself here? Anything seem familiar?

It does for me. I know some of these issues well. Very well actually.

The diagnosis: It's a condition of the heart, a heart problem...yes,an unhealthy heart. Maybe for some of us, the damage is significant enough to be called "heart disease". Whatever you might want to call it...its a SICK HEART THAT'S IN NEED OF HEALING!!

I have recently sat before my Master Physician and heard the diagnosis for myself. It's not fun. I didn't like it. I wanted to ask for a second opinion and give my 2 cents worth. He wasn't impressed!

The long and short of it is this...I have a choice to make.
1) Ignore it.
2) Repair it.

My dear friends, after several days of kicking and screaming, I've opted for heart surgery. I want this thing repaired. I am sick and tired of working the same issues, the same sin, the same feelings, and same bad ideas over and over again. I'm tired of being the one hurting and disappointed. I'm ready to get over and heal that thing that keeps this vicious cycle going! And it promises to do just that if its given a band aid instead of healing! I know this one "by heart", I promise!!

So, I surrender to the knife of my Father.
Lord, I'm at your mercy. I lay before you, at your table, just as I am. Hurt, broken, sinful and in need of repair. You are the Master Physician and the healer of our hearts. For you sent your Son to "heal the brokenhearted and to bind up our wounds". Remove that which is damaged. Take what is hindering my growth. Give me wisdom so I may see what is needed in order to be what you created me for. I trust your hand.

I begin this journey "under the knife" because God has burdened my heart to do so. But, I have become increasingly aware of the wide spread heart damage that our society has endured. Our churches have suffered, our youth are in crisis, and our families are falling apart! My suspicion is this: we are all in need of a little heart work! If in doubt, watch the news! So, if you would like to join me in this...please do. As always, I love to hear from you. I will be studying this verse (listed above) as well as others that pertain to guarding our hearts and healing, for I am totally convinced that the guarding of our hearts is just as crucial as the healing! I will continue to share this journey with you here on this blog over the next several weeks, or however long God sees fit. Or course, His timing looks a bit different than mine most times!

There is a battle over your heart! It is real and it is war! The enemy knows that it is the most critical place for attack...for our hearts are the very place where God connects Himself to us!! It is the most real, the most intimate part of who we are! Our hearts should not belong to just whatever and whoever offers to fill it! Our hearts belong to Him...let the surgery begin!!
Healing awaits us!

Finger Prints

I have a notebook, some would maybe call a journal, that I have used throughout this year to write things I couldn't write here...on this blog.

I have recently been looking over the pages, and line by line I have revisited some of the painful parts of this past year. Though they have brought back thoughts that stir up sadness and moments that I can hardly stand to embrace....I have seen something that I've never seen before. But, I see it now. They are there. On each page and ironically right next to the tears that have stained each line... finger prints. Not of my own, but of my Father... the One who promises to carry us when we can not walk. The One who sees us through the toughest parts of our lives. God's presence in my pain and His peace in the midst of gut wrenching decisions is seen all over my notebook. The imprint of His finger...His touch and His hand was at work.

On one particular day (Nov. 7, 2008) I wrote this:
In my isolation, God is revealing the truth of Himself to me. And at the same time, He is softly revealing to me the truth of my own self!

These were tough times and it wasn't pretty...the reality is, I had God all wrong! I had missed it big time. For most of my life, I had thought of God as my "clean up crew". My personal janitor, if you will. The one I would call for when I had a "spill in isle 4"!! Usually that would have resembled something more like a flood than a spill! (ahem)

I remember that day all too well. I sobbed. I confessed. I sobbed some more. I asked for forgiveness. The creator of the universe, the beginning and the end of everything we know...I had appointed as janitor. The one who was needed only when I had made a mess of things. And after He had done His job (in my opinion), I would politely thank Him and go about my business again of running my own life...though I wasn't doing it very well.

How righteous of me. How awful and downright embarrassing! And it still is really. I was ashamed but thankful for His patience. I kinda laugh now when I think of how many times He may have been hitting me over the head with the mop and bucket...trying to get my attention while in isle 4!!

Part of the revealing to me the truth of my own self brought me to many conclusions...one day I wrote this, "I've known how to run to God, but I've not figured out how to live for God". The difference is huge! And I had missed it completely!

In those moments of journaling, God began to rework my thinking. My thinking of who He is, as well as my thinking of who I am. He began to show me things that I never knew I had wrong. He unfolded an idea of a "personal relationship" with Him that I had missed somewhere along the line. He gently handed back the name tag I had put on Him that read "Jill's janitor" and allowed me to rewrite a new one that now reads "Jill's Savior".

I still struggle to get this all figured out! I know I have much to learn about how to live for God on a daily basis. But as I flip through these pages of my journal, I am incredibly humbled that He would be willing to walk this journey with me. I'm thankful that His finger prints were there all along...right there next to each tear as it hit the page! For I can't find a tear stain that doesn't have His finger print covering it! The perfect imprint of a finger that comes from a nail pierced hand!! That, my dear friends, is one awesome Savior!!

The more I seek you

...just listen to it...

The more I seek you...
the more I find you.

The more I find you...
the more I love you!!

Thank you Jesus!

The blank page.

I've stared at this blank page now for far too long.
I've started putting together a few ideas, only to erase them all.
It feels complicated today.



I think I just like the blank page better.
It's fresh. It's clean. Free of clutter.
Empty yet fully available.



I don't know if its possible to post a blank page.
But if I could, I would.
Just for today.



I like the room to think a new thought.
A place to start over.
New life for tired ideas.



Just to give myself space to see blank.
A small break from the past.
And freedom for the future.



Is blank really empty?
Maybe.
Today that feels ok too.



The blank page also feels available.
Available for the ink of my Father's pen.
His hand writing upon my heart.
His words into my life.



So let me stare a little longer at the blank page.
Let me see the open space a minute more.
I want to feel His presence in this moment.
To know the beauty of the blank page.

Restoration

These days one of the questions I get regularly, either from friends back in Florida or from someone I 've met new here in Alabama, is " how are you doing with all this?". And truly I think we are doing well. Have there been a few snags in the process? Most definitely. Are there still moments when this all feels so big and more than I bargained for? Absolutely. But overall, I feel that things have gone reasonably well and though there are still moments of confusion and great sadness, the kids and I are beginning to mesh together well and this new life is feeling more manageable. I feel blessed and can see His touch in many of the details that have fallen into place.


Today, I wanted to share one way in which I am sensing God's presence in my new circumstances. From time to time I become aware that I feel somewhat numb and detached from myself. It's a tad frightening for one like me, but I try to remind myself that feelings are like the wind...you can't always predict them nor can you count on them remaining the same for very long. Then other times out of the clear blue, something hits me deeply, my heart is stirred and I become optimistic that things are beginning to come around. Healing is a process full of ups and downs...good days and really crappy ones. This process may be slow, but I feel as if I am moving in the right direction.

I need to rewind a second and say that early in the beginning stages of my divorce...when the emotions were very high, the pain was bleeding over and fear of the unknown was surrounding me like a thick fog...I remember one morning out on a run in which I was praying over my burdens. At this particular time, I felt like I was living life in a foam pit. You know those? Anyone who has participated in gymnastics knows exactly what I'm referring to. The pit is deep (though your not exactly sure how deep), its wide and it is full of foam blocks that make it a challenging task to move anywhere, let alone to get over to the side! Typically the edge is not far off but as you begin to move you clearly realize the struggle that lies before you. I was quickly becoming consumed with "foam blocks" that kept derailing my progress of forward motion...emotionally and physically.

As I was running/praying this one day, I became aware of how easy it would be to become completely self consumed in my own grief. Crawling up into a ball of my own pain. My own brokenness and my own dispare. It would be somewhat reasonable to build walls around my hurt and shut everyone out, or to jail myself in...however you may look at it! Intense pain does that without our awareness sometimes. If we are not watching for it, it is a sure possibility. It seems our hearts are quick to protect us from further pain, but the reality is it can also be a road block to our healing if we stay hidden behind the hurt too long.

That day my prayer began to sound something like this, "Lord, don't allow my heart to become so withdrawn, so pained and self consumed that I miss the pain of those around me. Give me the ability to feel their pain despite my own. Allow me the strength to give of myself emotionally when my own "giver" is empty. The world is full of hurting people...may I be able to walk along side of them. For you have comforted not for me to be comfortable, but for me to be a comforter!!"

The irony of it all is that I can now see how God is using my pain and brokenness to allow me to see the hurting people around me. It is through my own sadness that I feel the desire to encourage those who are walking a road that seems unbearable. Somehow I sense that it is what He is using to heal my own broken heart and bring joy back into my life. I see now that my pain and sorrow may be the very tool He calls me to use to reflect His hope and joy to others. In return, my own heart will mend...I will find restoration and draw closer to the One who continues to redeem my life!

May this moment never be forgotten.

Once upon a time there was this mother who had many children.

Specifically, her first born was what they now call a "tween"...somewhere between the ages of 10 and 12.

One day recently (ok... well today) that child, a son, was sick from school and though he was not feeling well... it seemed to be a great opportunity for a little one-on-one time. Somehow this mother felt that maybe it would be a good idea to "check in" with her son...to have a revisit of the ole' sex talk. You know nothing major, just an opportunity to find out what all he may be hearing at school, what might need more discussions, maybe a little clarification on some wrong information...etc.

Actually, the older this mother gets (not that she IS old) the less comfortable she feels with calling this topic the "sex talk" and the more she considers calling it "God's plan for pro-creation"!! It's just hard for her to think of her child and sex together in the same conversation.

Anyways, as the story goes...this mother had recently heard some horrific statistics of the number of boys that are being exposed to pornography...and the age in which the average boy is exposed to pornography these days is like 10! Yikes!

So being the good mother that she desires to be...she felt it time to ask a few questions. Find out what he knows and possibly take this opportunity to express what the Lord intended for our lives concerning this subject of "pro-creation".

So there she was this day posing the question...
" Honey, do you know what pornography is?".
Very frankly and simply he says
"yes, I know what what it is".


The mother just about had a stroke! She could not believe that her son was so informed. Where on earth had he gotten exposed to this information? Maybe the statistics where right after all! And more disturbing, why hadn't he come to her over this? They previously had open discussions and this mother thought he most certainly would have wanted to asked her for clarification as he had done many times in the past.


The mother says,
"wow, ok, well what do you know about it?".
Her son calmly responds,
"well Mom, its a kind of science."


"Science?" she says.
"yes Mom, science...you know like as in oceanography and astrology"


This mother was most definitely in need of new clothing!!

And unfortunately her son was now in need of an explanation of what was so funny!


By the time the true definition unfolded, this son's eyes were as big as softballs and he was extremely quiet! Actually, all he might have said was something along the lines of "wow, ya, that was nothing like what I was thinking"!!


After the laughing, crying, and discussions had all subsided...the son hugged his mom and said, "sometimes you crack me up Mom".



May this moment never be forgotten!!

Mulligans

Many years ago I found myself quickly learning to enjoy the game of golf. Usually this sport would have been absolutely of no interest to me. Chasing a small white ball around is not my idea of a fun afternoon!! However, I happened upon a "relationship" with a semi golf pro...and suddenly I was taking crash courses in this silly sport of golf! Soon into this relationship, I became the "beverage cart girl" where he worked and a new world opened up before me! I completely enjoyed my time there at that private golf course in Indy and developed a love for the peacefulness of a golf course! I discovered that there was something besides running that could provide an opportunity to clear my thoughts...the golf course was a beautiful place to spend a quiet afternoon and provided a great place to regroup.

Fast forward to this past summer, just before leaving Florida in June, my church sponsored a golf tournament for the purpose of raising money for their yearly missions trip to Haiti. I was not able to go on the trip but I offered my services once again as the "beverage/candy cart girl"!! The trip down memory lane was fun, but the few hours away from the daily 3 ring circus of my life with 4 kids was an added bonus.

That day they were offering the golfers the opportunity to purchase "mulligans". This is a golf term that simply means a "do over". A chance at another swing without penalty. A means by which you get a second chance and can chalk the first attempt up to a practice swing!!

That day I felt the touch of God's hand pressing against my heart to search deeper. To ponder this gift of a mulligan in my life. Once again, God was using this simple picture, this idea of "do overs", to remind me of His grace and mercy.

In golf and in life, I've made swings that have put me straight down the center of the fairway. Heading in the right direction toward the green. Though these moments have been extremely few, I do know the feeling of a "good swing" every now and again.

More often than not however, I've made the swings that have left me standing at the edge of some pond, horrified as I watched my golf ball quickly sink to the bottom. My life has been full of these moments and I'm somewhat embarrassed to say its been more than a "bucket of balls" worth. Clearly, I have needed "mulligans", if you will, on a daily basis.

The lousy swings in my life have been terribly painful at times. Huge consequences have followed. Heartache and lost dreams may be part of the deal too. Recently, I'm beginning to see that these bad shots have also taught me valuable lessons on refocusing and re-evaluating where things went wrong. They have better prepared me for the next swing and though I may end up waaayyy over par...I stand a better chance to get there eventually! These attempts have helped to grow me up and given me precious lessons that I have needed for my journey in life.

I am absolutely blessed to have a Heavenly Father who understands our need for these "do overs"! I am thankful to know a God who's love is full of mercy, full of grace, and full of FREE mulligans...for I have never bought, deserved or earned the second chances I've been given. Instead, I've just accepted them.

Mulligans have given me hope. And they have given me a chance to discover where things can go right.

Mulligans.
Second chances.
Do overs.
Hope.
They all seem quite simple, and yet nothing short of amazing!!