Mom, I'll just sit here with you.

Yesterday evening we had a huge storm. The kind that you can see coming in, asses the look and size of the clouds and gather that its time to secure the patio furniture. Living in the cove, surrounded by mountains, means big wind storms! But the beauty of the mountains from every angle can't be more perfect, and so the wind storms are just par for the course I suppose.

The kids were all doing various things and I had come to a stopping point on my psych research paper outline (yes, the one I've daily complained about on Facebook!). I have been in a terrible funk lately (I'm still wanting to claim a reaction to Cipro for these psychological issues, but that's all I'm going to say about that!) and so as the storm was brewing outside I decided to take a break and go watch. It's a beautiful sight to see and I never want to pass up an opportunity to sit outside and enjoy the show. Plus, I felt something calling me to the back porch, something inviting me to come sit awhile. So I did.

I sat there taking it all in; the warm air, the roar of the wind over the trees, the thunder rolling like the tympani in the back of the orchestra, the sky painted with the darkest hues and the mountains wrapping its arms around it all. The birds were few, they all received the memo. The roads were quiet. And my hair (though now in big clumps of tightly weaved curls) blew freely in the wind. As I rested my head back against my chair the emotions of the past several weeks began to flood my heart. Though I don't have a specific thing that's happened, mentally things are not at peace. Just as the sky above me was covered in heavy dark clouds, so has my heart and soul been overcome by gray. I knew those clouds above and the roar of the thunder has been no stranger to me recently.

Slowly the back door opens and Andre steps out.

"Mom, why are you sitting out here in this?"

"Well, Andre, I just am"

"Well why?", he asked again.

I was battling a flood of tears as I tried to answer him. I lost the battle.

"Babe, Momma needs to watch those dark clouds right there....

.....I just need to see them blow over us and go away"

He seemed confused yet my tears and faint voice were unsettling to him I know. But all he said was "Oh, okay" and quietly went back inside.

I continued to sit there on the deck, knowing that there was incredible truth to what I just said. I wanted my heart to hear it too. I kept watching the clouds, they kept moving and the rain was becoming visible in the distance.

A few minutes later Andre opened the door again and what he did was so precious, hence why I'm sharing all this now. He walks over to another chair, scoots it over next to mine and as he crawls up in it he says, "Mom, I'll just sit here with you". He proceeds to stick his thumb in his mouth as he grabs my hand with his free hand. I melt.

"Andre, your such a good friend"

"I know", he says around the thumb.

And so there we sat, just my "prince charming" and I, watching the storm and not being afraid of the thunder. The rain eventually came and we hung out there as long as we could. Soon we were huddled together (now having moved closer to the door) with a blanket around us like a cocoon, but still watching.

He never said another word. Nor did I. We just quietly watched together.

As I came home this morning from my morning run (8 miles), Andre pops his thumb out of his mouth, gives me a hug and says with a great big smile, "I looked outside, its blue out there. I think the clouds are gone now."

And sure enough, they were.

As I ran this morning, jumping over the occasional tree limb and branch that hadn't faired well in the storm, I saw it too.

Blue sky's once again.

Matter of fact, I've never seen a blue this magnificent!

Extraordinary discoveries from the bathroom floor.

At 5:35 am this morning I jumped up from my bed and instantly had a bad feeling.

What time is it?

It was awfully bright outside therefore I quickly feared that I had overslept and missed my chance to run today! I haven't set an alarm clock in several years because I have an internal one that rings at 5:30 am, sharp (well most every morning!). But as I checked my phone my heart settled a bit...whew...I only overslept by 5 minutes! The run was still safely a go, so off I was. My morning baptism as usual.

As I was running I had one of those great euphoric experiences, you know the one's where you hear the Chariots of Fire anthem playing in the background as you gracefully and effortlessly cross the finish line and are wrapped in the American Flag as you wave to the hundred's of fans who came to watch the race! Face beaming in colors of red as you catch your breath from the 26.2 miles you just blew through and arms full of flowers from those who would love a picture and autograph! I saw the news headlines read "Single Mother of 4, runs first Olympic marathon and wins at 34!" And the news media waiting...

Oh wait, I forgot you're there and reading this.

I'm lost, where was I?

Yes, I was running this morning.

I'm back to the blog now.

So, while running/singing to MJ's "Just Beat It"...I got wondering about hidden talents. You know these prodigies that come out of no where with this incredible voice, skill, or mathematical genius at 50 who works at McDonalds, that leaves us scratching our heads. I found myself wondering if maybe I have a hidden talent or skill. Something that maybe I'm just not aware of yet. Something that's just waiting to be discovered, released and would make the madness in my life all make sense!

Maybe I could win a spelling bee...

"Dyslexic Mother of 4, spelling bee prodigy at 34".

Or maybe

"Deliriously desperate housewife discovers cure for cancer in her kitchen".

(that requires BEING in the kitchen...I quickly scratched that one!)

Or "Female, 5'2", becomes basketball star for WNBA."

Got the idea? The list could go on forever. Maybe we all have some incredible discovery in each of us that's just bustin' at the seams to get out!? Just maybe!

My last headline read,

"Mother of 4, runner, becomes famous ballerina. Performing now at the Kivov Ballet School in St. Petersburg, Russia."

I mean, really...who doesn't secretly wonder about striking this pose?

As I came home, now rockin' to Whitney's newish song "I didn't know my own strength", I felt renewed. Charged by the thought that maybe I was on the brink of discovering something extraordinary about myself.

I hustled the 2 little boys through breakfast, packed their lunches, kissed their cheeks, drove them to summer camp, and hurried back home to the other 2 kids.

As I walked into my bathroom, I threw my hands up for a great big stretch and a deep yawn before heading into the shower. Unfortunately, I lost my balance, tumbled and fell flat to the floor!

Yes, ballerina here landed on the bathroom floor from yawning and stretching at the same time! As I laid there for a minute, checking to see if anyone saw my graceful plunge, I began to laugh! And laugh. And laugh. Soon I was kicking my feet and squealing in hysteria! I began to cry funny tears!

The truth is, though life right now is really hectic, stressful and at times overwhelming....I'm happy! I like where I live, being in school, running and raising a tribe of crazy kids!

Come to think of it, I was on the brink of discovery!

The conclusions:

#1: I have no hidden talents that would require too-too's or leotards!

#2: The bathroom floor needed swiffering 2 weeks ago

#3: I should stick to running

#4: I'm thrilled with a simple headline that reads,

"Mother of 4: finds joy, happiness and balanced life!"

I don't need to be a prodigy. Nothing fancy or out of the norm is necessary for me. It's just good to be happy. To be able to laugh myself silly, even to tears on the bathroom floor and not care an iota about it!

A simple life is a good life...I'm not trading this for being a rock star any time soon!!

P.S.- Something gives me the feeling though that I'm in need of some progress on the "balanced" part of discovery #4! Googling Bosu balls now!!

Just Thankful.

I've got a secret. Lean in close so you can hear. I LOVE LIVING ON A FARM, IN THE COUNTRY!

And one more secret, I'll whisper this one...THIS IS THE BEST PLACE TO RAISE KIDS!

The kids get to see and do things that are priceless. I love that they are able to experience nature, animals, gardens, and dirt! Wide open spaces, mountains and pastures too!

Its been a year now since moving to the farm. I can't believe it, but its true!

Though the transition had it's moments of great sadness, this place has offered each of us a chance to process, regroup and rebuild! There's something magical about the country. Maybe its the slower pace, the excitement of feeding calves, or the freshly grown fruit/veggies from the back yard.

To say this place is a blessing for us is like saying the ocean is a little salty! Or oily, ahem.

We still have things in boxes, the kids rooms aren't really "decorated" yet and most all my walls are still bare...but none of that matters so much anymore. The smiles, the giggles, the kids running in open fields and chasing bunnies is what brings greater joy these days.

Tractors, hay balers and barns are a perfect backdrop for "growing up" little kids...it's really the best kept secret around!

On my run this morning I was reminded of all these things and the beauty of it all. I came home dripping in sweat but with a heart that was full! I'm just so thankful!

(and yes, I do have 4 kids...however I couldn't find one of Dakota that was related, not that this one of Ramiro is either, but who can resist that face!?)

Ramiro

For those of you who know me well, you understand what a day this was for me! Ramiro's kindergarten graduation!

It's hard to find words that fully explain how much I am head over heals in love with all my children. I love them all equally however each of them have a special significance that is different from the others.

Here and here are parts of Ramiro's story. It was rough from the get go...like almost from the moment of conception! But if there's any child who was determined at EVERYTHING, it was him. It pays to be a fighter, in this case!

All along there's been something in my head about Ramiro and Kindergarten...when he was 1 1/2 and things were not going well I got this idea in my head that Kindergarten was a huge benchmark for him/us. I stayed focused on that goal once I was told how far behind he was developmentally.

As I watched him graduate and hold his diploma, I felt incredibly thankful for the many wonderful doctors, therapists and teachers we've had these past several years! At this point, most people would have no idea what it's taken to get this far...Ramiro has no idea how blessed he really is! But I do!

I run because...

I run because

I need to forgive

and forget

because I remember

and need to let go again

I run because

I want to choose

and not react

because I want to understand

not just know

I run because

it focuses my vision

and repairs "near"sightedness

because it empties my head

so I can listen

I run because

my days are numbered

and I want them to count

because some things I run through

and others, I run around

I run because

I know how to train

and finish strong

because I have something to beat

and outrun in this race

I run because

I need the daily baptism, of sorts

and sweat does the body good

because everything seems better

at 6 in the morning

I run because

when the kids are gone

I need a reason to get out of bed

because when they're gone

its the only thing left...

that feels like me.

Fig leaf fashion.

This summer I'm taking an Old Testament literature class. Let me just say "I'm in LOVE"!

I'm having flash backs of being in Anderson University's Old Testament Faith for Living class back in 1994 (I think that was the year). Something happened while listening to Dr. Fred Shively that year that changed my thinking. I was never one to like history. Never was I excited over all the war talk in high school history classes. And for a dyslexic student like myself, all the numbers and dates had me frustrated and checked out!!

I had thumbed through the Old Testament a time or two before... it really gave me the same impression, lots of family names, geographical locations and dates. For a young girl who was really excited about her boyfriend at the time and what she was going to wear next, I was expecting this OT class to be a YAWN! I sat in the farthest row back that first Monday morning (at 8am)! It turned out to be the only day I sat back there! Something had me hooked. I moved to the front row, had perfect attendance and aced that Bible class!

Here we are again, some 16 years later (ouch)...no that boyfriend didn't turn out to be the "one" and I'm not near as worried about what I'm wearing these days, though I've recently looked in the mirror and feared that I've been here before with these leggings and all! But for me, the black and white pages of this book are once again in color! I still struggle with the numerical dates, the B.C.'s and numbers of chapters vs. verses...Genesis 1:23 and Genesis 23:1 are NOT in fact the same thing, sigh! Never the less, these narrative stories come to life as I read them and the way the Bible is deeply intertwined is amazing. There is no other book that perfectly projects thousands of years in the future! The Old and New Testaments are filled with events that have so much purpose and pictures with incredible meaning. I'm often fascinated by the use of words and the picture image they create. Though the OT was originally in Hebrew and the NT in Greek, the use of their languages and the meanings of those words in their cultures makes my heart race. I've had my heart rate checked out and it is not anxiety! Just saying.

The first of last week I was focused on fig leaves and finding Adam some decent clothing to cover himself with. Can you just see God saying "No, no Adam. That sin you and Eve just committed, ya well you will need much more than what that pathetic fig leaf your sporting there is covering! Dude, you need some CLOTHING now...your nakedness is atrocious and no fig leaf will be sufficient!" It's just funny to me to think of that moment. It's kinda like my kids thinking they can hide behind the curtains and not be found...just because their face is covered! Never mind the feet.

It must have spoken volumes about Adams understanding of what really had happened. God knew however. Yes, He knew that ultimately these (we) sinners were in need of the ultimate blood sacrifice, the perfect covering that made way for forgiveness and grace. But till then, He made way for atonement...just the covering! So there in the Garden, He killed the first animal in order to provide a covering for their nakedness that sin had exposed. I'm still chuckling over God handing Adam and Eve their new "duds". "Here ya'll, nice try with them there leaves you got...now how's abouts going behind those bushes over yonder, put these that I've made on and model some real clothes for us!!" Wouldn't you have just loved to be there for that?

But it got me thinking about the idea of clothing. How the fig leaves that Adam proposed were so insufficient (he was "male" after all and maybe just didn't have a sense of fashion), the animal skins God originally provided were only a temporary atonement for their situation, and then much later we find Christ coming! His garments offering forgiveness, not just a cover!

Romans 13:14

"...clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ"

Galatians 3:27

"...for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ"

When we put on His skins, we are washed and made new...we are cleansed and made whole!

Christ is a healer, not a band-aide!

We can throw away our silly attempts with fig leaves and humbly adorn the ultimate outfit, Christ!

That, to me, is good stuff!

The heart beat.

I wish I had time to write all that's going on. Life in general is hectic as you could imagine. The kids activities have been in full force, speeding at rates that make me feel like I need a "40 MPH" sign posted in my house! My own studies are at times more demanding than I feel I can cram into this head. I'm in information overload most of the time.

It's taking longer and longer to figure out what day it is when I wake up in the morning...and lately I quickly assume it's a school day when I awake to the sound of my Dad at the door wanting to drop off lunch boxes. It goes something like this, "Oh Dad hey, ya we are up (now), and ok yes, it's a school day? Ok, thanks, ya I'm fine (will be soon)". I then realize we are in a huge hurry and have no time to look for everyone's lost shoe or to worry about matching socks...if its white, its a go! The daily race against the clock begins as a sprint each morning and by the time the caffeine hits the bloodstream, I'm already buried deep in my Old Testament exegetical commentary, writing an essay of the Abrahamic Covenant. Wow, that was a long sentence! And suddenly I feel a long post...

All the meanwhile, Dakota is heavy on my heart. The girl friend thing is a rude awakening, for him as well as I. He's finding out that what I told him 2 years ago is still true...girls change their minds and for no other reason but to change their mind! He acted as if it was some profound statement I had just made and asked me where I learned the idea from.

"Um, duh...I'm. a. girl. Dakota!!"

"Oh ya, right. I guess you are."

Recently he was at the dentist and was allowed to pick something out of the treasure box in their office...which is totally funny to me at the age of 12!! He thumbed through the toys and found a really cute hemp type bracelet. He decided on the red beaded one and later told me it was for his "girlfriend". Wha? You got that bracelet to give to your "friend that's a girl" (as I prefer)? I mean really...if the bracelet came from the toys in a treasure box that you dug through at the dentist, are we ready to be calling her a "girlfriend"? Anyways, I'll not continue my mental anguish over that subject here on this blog. So 3 days later (this would be a total of 5 days after they started "going out", but who's counting), Dakota felt ready to give the gift to his first ever girlfriend. He hid it in his jean pocket and asked my thoughts that morning on appropriate timing for the gift exchange. We discussed some ideas and I wished him good luck, he was nervous. And so was I. I know a few things about girls...after all.

All the way home my mind was racing:

THAT girl had better be gracious! She had better thank him and appreciate that he thought of her! I mean he COULD have gotten a green army man, or a bouncy ball, or a key chain for himself! But he didn't! He thought of her and was willing to face the awkwardness of giving it to her! And to do so knowing that the other kids might make fun of him! She had better wear it IMMEDIATELY and show ALL her friends! And if I catch wind of her being....

I eventually regrouped and stopped the mental bashing of this poor 12 year old girl that I didn't even know. Maybe she would recognize his thoughtfulness. Maybe she would thank him and be very sweet about it.

I picked him up that afternoon anxiously anticipating the 411. Immediately his face gave all indications that something didn't go well.

"um, Dakota...is everything ok"

"no"

"oh gosh, I'm so sorry, so do you want to talk now?"

"I guess"

"ummmm, okkkkk, soooo....did you give her the bracelet?"

"no"

"well, honey, why not?"

" she broke up with me!"

"She did WHAT?"

"Ya Mom, she sent her squad of friends over to my lunch table to tell me that she wanted to break up"

"Well, did the SQUAD happen to mention why?"

"yes, they said that she said that I wasn't spending enough time with her"

"Enough time with her?? Heck, ya'll are in 4 of 7 classes together...and your in the 6th grade for crying out loud, trying to get an education!"

(I looked over to find tears rolling down his face and his lip quivering)

"Dakota, babe, I'm so sorry...girls are really tough at this age, well, at any age really...actually, they are just no good, no good at all. Maybe you should just forget about them all together and just love on your Momma the rest of your life and ...."

No just kidding, I didn't say all of that last line. Just most of it.

Dakota had experienced his first rejection, and he was heart broken!

And so was I.

It was a long night and we both had shirts soaked with tears of disappointment.

We talked about it for several days and eventually laughed about ways to get revenge (not really, just to lighten the mood).

That very same week, Dakota had his first ever baseball game! We were pumped and we each gave him a few words of encouragement as we drove to the game...

Me: "Dakota, keep focused, do what you know to do, be of good character son, and have fun"

Andre: "Kota, um, hit hard"

Madelyn: (she went blank under the pressure)

Ramiro: "Dakota. Win."

The other team was at bat first, so that put Dakota's team out in field. I watched every step my child took out of the dug out...and sure enough he stopped at the pitchers mound! My heart sunk and I felt the need to begin my normal back and forth rocking motion, its how I keep calm. Long story short... he did well. But it was tough! This team was awesome and our team is...well let me get back to my point here! They lost 11-0. Dakota batted great and really did well for his first ever baseball game! He held up under the pressure and I was proud of him.

HE, on the other hand...was devastated! He got in the car and sobbed all the way home! He felt like he had lost the game for his team and nothing I said seemed to help AT ALL!

He was heart broken!

And so was I.

It was another long night.

And once again we shared tears of disappointment.

****************************************************************

That week, while out on my runs, my mind kept going back almost 13 years ago. To a little clinic in Indiana where I had just done a pregnancy test and was having my first ever ultrasound. It was a moment I will never forget. The nurse, myself and a tiny beating heart on a screen...just the 3 of us, we knew something no one else did. As I sat there in complete shock and disbelief, I remember hearing the swoosh of each beat and watching each chamber expand and contract. Time stood still as I tried to make sense of that moment.

A few days afterwards I wrote in my journal, I wanted to share it. I have it posted in his baby scrap book next to the ultrasound picture.

"I've just seen your heart beat, what an amazing thing. A heart that is pumping and using my blood to create your own. Baby, take what you need from me to be healthy. The heart I heard was the heart that will be pounding when you are born in April. The same heart beat I will feel when I hold you close to me at night. The same heart that will beat wildly when you first go to school. Your fear and anxiety will cause that same beat I heard to race. It will be the same beating heart that pumps when you are playing and moving about. But it will also be the heart that loves and breaks. Baby, I will help you learn to love and be here when you have the heart breaks. I do not know how to be your Mother, I am scared, but please be patient...we will learn this together! I love you, Mom"

I haven't been able to get that beating heart off my mind lately. I hear it in the shower. I see it in my textbooks. It follows me on my runs. I sense it in most every moment.

The truth is...what happens to my children, happens to me.

What I didn't know almost 13 years ago?

When that precious heart would be hurt...there would be 2 hearts to tend to, not one!