The other side of the painting

For those of you who have sent me comments, either of encouragement or other times wondering how I'm really doing...I want to say thank you. You know who you are, and so do I. I appreciate your willingness to express to me what God is doing in your life and how in some small way, what I share becomes part of your experience with Him. Thank you for sharing your life with me.

For today, I feel I need to share another aspect of my life with you...this journey I'm walking through isn't always as it may seem. There's another side...

I wish I could say that every day I experience God's overwhelming love and feel uplifted by His grace and mercy. I wish I could say that I see God in all things...and that I feel blessed on a daily basis. I wish I could, but I can't.

It is only fair that I be real and not paint a picture that my faith protects me from the harsh realities of life. That my faith is strong on every front and never gets shaken. I do not want to paint a picture that gives the impression that with the Lord, all else will be good. The truth for today is that I'm struggling to put my happy face on. I'm usually very bubbly and upbeat. I wish it were so for today as well, but it's not.

Today, I don't want to hear how good God is. I do know He is...but I just don't want to hear it today. I can't seem to feel the good right now. I don't want to hear about miracles today either. I do know He has done great things...but I wanted a miracle that didn't happen. I don't want to give my burdens to the Lord today either. I'm tired of giving today.

Today I want to know "why". Why did this not work out for me? Why did this all have to fall apart and cause so much hurt and pain? Why didn't all the counseling help? Why do I have to say goodbye and why do I have to start over? Why didn't my Father heal the way I wanted? So all this would just be a bad dream, not reality.

I hesitate to share any of this. It may be judged. It may sound harsh. You may be critical of me. You may question the truth in everything else I've ever said. I suppose it's the chance I take.

I know the right things to say, the right thoughts to have and what to do with disappointments and hurt. I know who to carry all those things to. It's to the Lord. And I will. But for today...I just don't feel like it.

I want to express that I understand the frustration that many of you have spoken to me about. I understand the hurt and pain that life can bring. I understand the disappointment with the Lord's ways. I totally get why faith can be so hard. I know the feeling of "why did you allow this God?". I don't always trust God either. I want to hold on to my own ideas. I want to see my plan work out...you know, Plan A!! Sometimes I like my death grip. I don't want to release and give it up.

And please don't think for a minute that I have answers for all this. I do know who has all the answers, but I just want mine immediately and I want to get a "vote" on a few things, you know?

I will be ok. I will work through these feelings and emotions. I will take them to the Lord! I will come through this season of sadness and eventually will sleep on a dry pillow sheet that isn't stained in tears and mascara.

I just wanted a chance to be brutally honest and open about how hard this all can get sometimes. I know many Christians who seem to forget that the world is hurting, and we must be able to relate to them, to seem real to them. We can't give them a band aid that says "try Jesus" and hope it heals their wounds.

And this morning, I felt the need to share this thought that came to mind: I wouldn't paint a very accurate picture of myself if I only gave you a glimpse of the good days, the front side of the painting, if you will. The side that shows only my journey when my faith is strong. The side that we want looking nice and neat...the side that appears to have its "act together". It's the side that we work very hard to keep pretty, the side we want all to see.

There's the other side of the painting too...the side that we hide from most everyone. We keep it protected back there behind the other and try to keep the focus else where because it exposes the weaknesses and the hurt. Its the side that is vulnerable and raw.

Today, I just felt I needed to expose this other side. The side where faith is hard, trusting seems impossible and disappointments are painful. The side where I do question God and find myself wondering where He is in all of this. It is the side that lacks beautiful colors and honestly isn't very pretty to see, but it would be wrong of me to act like it wasn't there!