A year of progress and growth.

When my sitter showed up yesterday (bless her!) I quickly asked her how she was, hugged the little kids and then bolted out the door. I needed to run. Not walk, not warm up, not slowly get into a rhythm...I needed to be running.

Anyone who runs knows that there are those days when it takes a mile or so to get "into" the run. To get rid of the funk and get into what I like to describe as "my cyclical mode"; the pace of one foot in front of the other, the motion of the arms in sync with the legs, the lungs in peaceful cooperation as it inhales/exhales. Often I explain the feeling of running as the steady and rhythmic motion of a train. The gears and wheels become circles of motion that are in harmony together. Running (most days) feels like that to me, but it can take awhile to get into that groove. Yesterday was unusual, it was a day that doesn't happen often. A day that the harmony, the cyclical mode, began with the first shoe strike on the pavement. It almost makes me giddy now to think of it!

I have been running a 6.6 mile route recently that has a 1/2- 3/4 mile section that is STRAIGHT UP HILL! And yes, I mean some serious incline! I usually run the entire section, but by run I mean at times it is a very very slow jog. It is the longest section of the route and at times I have thought I would never get to the top. Well yesterday I began to see some significant progress. Not only did I keep my normal flat terrain pace, I wasn't huffing and puffing for air plus my legs weren't burning from muscle fatigue! I almost felt as if I had run through the mountain and not up it!

As I was finishing the last mile (an hour later), impressed by how easy the run felt...I got thinking about strength and endurance. About growth. About time. Consistency. Perseverance. Mountains and valleys. Trials. Pain. Sweat. April 2009.

This time last year, most days felt like my first several attempts up this street, shear torture. Most days felt like I would never make it to the top. They were full of pain and fatigue. But now, a year later...those days are few and far between. Like yesterdays run, I now see significant progress. Time is doing its work. Consistency is paying off. Strength is giving way to endurance (or maybe its the other way around) and I see the growth. These days I almost always sleep well, the deep sadness only pops in briefly, there's laughter and joy in my house again and I see a new normal finding its way with us.

I'm incredibly proud of my children. They have weathered some tough storms. They have had many transitions to make and emotions to process. But they've done so well and I just can't think of a better bunch of kids! I told Dakota so last night. I felt he needed to hear what an awesome job he's done this year and how proud I am of him.

I would love for "life" to feel as easy and harmonious as my runs. Like an engine that can maintain its speed, composure and strength in all circumstances. It's a bit unrealistic I suppose. Life has it's mountains and valleys and at times there is nothing easy about it. Sometimes its just flat out brutal. But I'm thankful today for the times when progress can be felt and the days are almost always easier. Oddly, I'm also feeling a deep kinship to the verse in James 1:2 that says "consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds." More on that later...

Take me out OF the ball game...

First week of baseball:

Madelyn vs. bleachers.

It didn't go as she had planned.

However she wanted to watch her "budder" play ball, so she did!

But of course, with a dose of Maddie drama.

Dakota vs. baseball.

It didn't go as he had planned either.

You might find it interesting to know,

the glove was in front of his face

at the time in which this happened.

We are still scratching our heads.

Dunno.!?&$?

What I do know is this:

-I've worried about this moment all his life. I've played it through my mind a million times. My child hurt out on the field, me in the stands. And I would like to report that I DID NOT go running out onto field until I was motioned to come.

Um yes, Thank you.

-I have never seen my son in so much pain before. And I never want to again. But, somehow I feel silly to even speak/write those words...he's still contemplating whether he will play for Alabama or Florida. I fear this is just the beginning. *sigh*

-I'm now afraid of the ball. He is not.

-I have PTSD. He does not.

-I'm nervous about him pitching, hitting, catching, running, sliding or sitting in the dug out.

He isn't nervous.

-I'm not sure the swelling and pain in my heart has gone down yet.

He's getting better by the day.

-I'm ready for the season to end (it just started). He wishes it would last forever!

-Dakota has been ready for sports going on 12 years now.

Mom still isn't ready.

"Maddie honey, can Mommie please have the ice pack, please? Her head is spinning."

OCD. Nope not me. I'm cured.

There was a day (yesterday)

when this would have thrown me over the edge!

Actually, I would have just jumped.

I worked hard to list all my assignments for the week

and then to designate days for each to be done.

What any good and conscientious student would do, of course.

But instead of jumping...I'm sitting calmly, not hollering or scolding anyone.

I'm proud, this is progress in my world.

Am I disappointed that I let Miss Madelyn sit at my desk? Yes.

But will I re-write it? No.

(though I considered it for 32 seconds,

and I will cringe as I mark each box...

and speaking of boxes,

ya'll hush over my boxes,

leave them alone!

You just don't understand how hard it is to live in this head!)

Anyways, where was I?

Oh yes, perfectionism...

I don't have time for perfection anymore,

It's been traded for "it will do".

* feeling faint, I need a cold rag and the couch*

I just wanted to applaud myself for progress,

though small it may seem to some.

I like things to be a little on. the. organized. side.

I like my papers unfolded and nicely stacked.

I love color coding and label makers.

Oh, the list could go on and on...

but I think I'll stop with those 4,

I love round even numbers after all!

So the destruction to my check list was an opportunity to practice something new.

A moment when I could have chosen to flip.

Instead I am choosing calm.

And actually it feels good, I think I'm cured!

Ok, well I must get off here now,

the boys will be here soon enough and

I need to get my highlighters organized...

in rainbow order!

And I love Budders (brothers)

Community baths:
It's not a thing that usually happens around here, the kids are starting to get a bit big for the community bathing experience! Questions arise that I have no real appropriate answers for, so I opt for the more controlled, one at a time, in and out showers for the little kids.

However, this particular night we had just made it back from Atlanta where the kid transfer happened...from Dad to Mom. After hours of highway driving, I was in the mood for maximum results with the least amount of effort. They were in the mood for fun!(the suction shower mat makes for an artistic backdrop eh? excuse that.)

These 2 pictures of Madelyn are for my sisters' benefit...no the sports-vest jacket wasn't part of the original ensemble for the princess dress, but when you have a girlie-girl who lives with a bunch of brothers...this is what you get!

That night after the bath pictures, I tucked Maddie into her bed, did our usual " I love you this much, this big and this high" and "I love you more, no me more, no me the most-est" etc. As Maddie rolled over to snuggle her life size horse and lovie, she says from behind her passy, "and I love budders". I could have just eaten her right then and there!

It's good to have all my children back home and to feel the love and laughter as it fills the air!

I will run.

Today.

Well, its a weird kinda day. It's supposed to be a happy day, a day of celebration.

It's not exactly.

Instead, its a day that stings.

It's a day that reminds me of what "isn't".

8 years ago today, I got married.

But yet in 2 weeks from today, I will have been divorced now for 1 year.

I'm finding my philosophy assignment of writing on the Socrates quote "The unexamined life is not worth living", almost impossible. But it's due tonight regardless.

I can't think today.

All I can do is feel.

So I will do what I know works- I will run today.

Because it is through running that I've learned to let go and keep going.

These next few weeks, as the 1 year mark approaches,

I will run...

through the sadness,

through the emotions,

through the confusion of high's and low's.

For this I know for sure...

When I feel broken, running makes me feel less broken.

When I'm exhausted from sadness, running gives me new energy.

When I'm confused, running allows me to straighten out what really does matter.

When I'm overwhelmed, running keeps me focused on the small steps.

I love what Kristin Armstrong (Lance Armstrong's ex-wife, who is a runner) said recently,

"I don't run away from things anymore, mind you, I run through them."

Running through the hidden treasures in my back yard

This week the kids have been in Florida visiting their father. I find myself on an unusual road when they are gone, a journey of emotions that are up and down with twists and turns. When the kids are home, I'm begging for peace and quiet. Yet oddly when they are gone, I struggle to know just what to do with the peace and quiet.

I decided to go running this morning on our mountain behind the cow pastures (and by "our" I really mean my parents!).

Though we go up there from time to time, usually its not by foot and never have I run it. I brought my 100 lb. Weimaraner, Brody...as my "Brody Guard". I am such a wimp and don't particularly like being out there alone. Brody is the best thing ever, though he is a hunting dog and most certainly wants to kill something, he stays close and takes every opportunity to snuggle next to my face!

I also took my camera because I had a hunch I'd wish I had it... I was right!


I took a ton of pictures, but here's a few that show what is perfectly tucked away in the mountains of my own back yard (again, "my own" is like the "our" mentioned above, ha).

I ran in the grassy hay fields...

I ran through the barren trees and climbed the rocks...I pretended to be a gymnast again on fallen trees...

I ran up hill, up hill and up hill...

I ran on pine trails and rocky streams...I jumped over cow um, well, you know #2...

following my Brody Guard every step of the way, he seems to intuitively know the best way up, so I followed quickly behind him...

I peeked down on a few sun bathing cows...and made a few horses nervous...I counted deer footprints in the mud and made some of my own.

I listened to the sound of the woods...and later cranked my tunes on my ipod...I took in the smells and felt the cool breeze...but mostly...

I ran and ran and ran...

and sang and cried and laughed...

and ran some more!

This is God's country, I tell ya... it's the best place to sing out loud, cry tears you can't let go of anywhere else, and play like you were a little girl again!

I had one of the best mornings I've had in a long time...my legs felt great and my spirit is renewed!

And I have one very tired dog now laying at my feet...its gunna be a good day!

**added this afternoon**

Brody and I also have a few too many ticks to prove we've "been there, done that"! ack!!

Lessons from the burning hayfield.

Yesterday the hayfield received its yearly burning

(yes, the same hayfield I live on, yikes!)

It was fascinating and yet oddly moving.

Fire is captivating. It demands attention.

It's powerful stuff.

As my Dad was telling me about what was supposed to be happening and

why this fire was a good thing,

something started to move inside me.

Something that still has me quiet today.

The more my Dad explained, the more I began to wonder.

The more I wondered, the more I stirred.

The more I stirred, the more I needed to listen.

Come to find out, fire isn't all about destruction.

It's also about neutralizing.

It's also about purifying.

It's also about timing.

It's about a better harvest.

The un-cut grass (if not burned) can affect the growth this next summer.

It can smother, causing a lack of sunlight to permeate the ground.

It will keep the soil insulated (too cold) and delay new growth.

The winter growth will also tie up nutrients in the soil.

Once burned, the nutrients are on the

soil surface and available for the roots to use.

Burning the hayfield lessens the winter weed growth and helps to control the insects.

Ironically, the ash also supplies nutrients to the soil which

encourages a better growth for the summer.

But timing of the fire is important, for if done too early, the weeds and insects will

still find their way back before the spring.

The first hay growth/cutting after a burn usually results in very clean hay.

And this would be the goal.

So as I looked at the blackened grass this morning,

still captivated by the process,

I began to feel differently about what feels charred on the surface of my life.

There is something valuable happening below,

deep in the soil of my heart.

It's not all about destruction.

It's also about purifying.

Healthier soil.

Less weeds.

New growth.

And it gave me hope for that day!