The Last

Weird...every year...this odd feeling comes over me on this very day...December 31st!
I haven't exactly figured out what it is all about...the weird feeling and all, but this year I think I'm getting closer to nailing it on the head.

For me, December 31st has always been about the "last". For instance, today I went on my last run for the year. I thought about my last run last year. I thought about the last 12 months and all that they have brought. I thought about what I did the year before last year...was it better than this past one? Last years resolutions. Last years uncertainties. Last years finances. Tonight, I kissed my kids goodnight for the last time this year. I wonder what baby will be the last one to enter the world in 2008!

I suppose I should be disturbed about my "last" rut that I find myself in. Clearly some of the "last"s are a relief! A deep sigh of relief! And then there are others that bring sadness. Will it be our last Christmas for Santa to be real for all the kids? I'm thinking Dakota is out smarting us soon! :(

Well today I vowed to let this be the "LAST" year that I do this to myself! The truth is...every last is only a last because there was a first! On the contrary to today...January 1, the first day of each year, usually brings about a sense of renewed hope in me! I love goals and I love planning, and yes this might be a little Type A, but I get excited about the new year and love to think about what could be new and different for the next 12 months! It's almost like the first day of school for me! A fresh start at something...a first! Last year I decided that I wanted to run a marathon and therefore I starting running again! I carefully mapped out a training program and studied different races that I could enter. This February I will run my first marathon since having 4 kids!

I must also say that even though I have experienced many lasts this year...I trust Gods plan for 2009 and the firsts that await me.

So tomorrow, as I go on my first run for 2009, as I see what baby was first to be born...I will also be thankful because I have a relationship with the Lord that is nothing like before. This year, on January 1st...I have something I didn't have last year. A first. I have a desire for the Lord and the Word that is new and a whisper that I recognize. A wonderful first.