As I stood starring at myself in the mirror, its all I wanted at that moment- to love numbers! I repeated it several times before I gave it up. Yes, I'm dyslexic for a reason. I wasn't called to work with numbers, figures or flow charts. Darn.
For some odd reason I have lately been overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the enormous amounts of pain in the world. The increasing number of lives that are wrecked by loss, depression, ptsd, addiction, abuse, tragedy, mental illness, etc.
This is a normal part of being a psych student I suppose. When you become engulfed in the darker side of humanity, your perspective shifts. Your frame of reference is different. And it's hard to know about such things, every day.
I think this all started because I have been trying to work through ideas for my internship. Should I go into a private practice environment? Sitting an a couch all day, helping those plagued with depression, death, spousal/child abuse, or suicide? Or should I consider the opportunity at St. Jude's Hospital with children who are fighting to beat the cancer that's invaded their bodies. Counseling the children, parents and siblings through this gutt-wrenching experience. Or would it be better to consider something "less traumatic" such as a rehab facility; a place where lives have been stripped and destroyed by addiction- a means in which to hide behind unbearable pain and heartache. Not so "less traumatic" after all.
Are you getting the picture? I mean what do you pick....horrible or awful?
The truth is that I do see and believe that there is incredible hope and healing for all the brokenness! If not, I wouldn't be able to manage the sadness. Even for the child who is dying, I believe that there is a wonderfully fulfilling ministry in grief/trauma counseling- allowing children the opportunity to process their emotions and communicate their fears as a means in which to make sense of their circumstances. The family is desperate for the same! Walking a child and family through a healthy grief process has its rewards, though it is incredibly difficult.
I know there is healing; if not physically, most definitely emotionally. But this is not something you do because it's fun or will buy you a fancy car- you do this work because your called to do it. Therefore, there is nothing else you could do with the same level of compassion and passion!
But recently I've become keenly aware that in order to walk these roads with those who are living in the worst days of their lives, a part of me is lost in their pain as well. A part of our innocence is gone when we dive deep into the darker side of humanity. We no longer have the privilege of being naive about the world around us!
I can remember working in trauma surgery- having just spent hours in the O.R. trying to save "Jane Doe" (unsuccessfully), going with the surgeon to speak with the family, and witnessing their shock and disbelief. In those moments everything seemed to come to a screeching halt. It's as if all of life had just stopped. Often times I would later find my way outside for some fresh air and it always struck me to see people laughing on cell phones and giggling over a new born baby. It was a weird dynamic for sure! But as I would leave work and enter back into "normal living"....I wouldn't be able to forget about that family in the waiting room. It was a struggle to just play with Dakota at the playground, I carried with me the burden of those who were just getting the news that every one of us fears. Of course, this is a big "no-no" because it causes what is called "professional burnout"!
As I was wasting time the other day, I came across this picture that got me thinking... maybe I want to be a ref instead!! I mean how sweet is this??
(whatsup with these lines? dunno? I've deleted them 20+ times....something crazy has invaded blogspot.com!)
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