Rain and Rich Soil

I want so much to say some things about this ongoing internal battle that I am fighting...I'm not exactly sure what to say, how to put these feelings with words... but it stems from these babies and young children recently that are being taken from this world...leaving such wonderful parents lost and agonizing in their grief. Maybe its just my circle that I live in...but what is going on lately? Why is the Lord allowing such tragic events to occur?? The Chapman family, Todd and Angie Smith and now their nephew has passed of SIDS. I know it happens all across the world, everyday...I have managed to somehow be sheltered from most of it...but not recently! My heart has been in turmoil over the losses these families are facing!

I had recently made a commitment to stop praying for sunshine in my life and to start welcoming whatever would bring "rich soil"! Apparently rain enables our "soil" to be rich and therefore allows for an abundant of growth and fruit to spring forth from our lives! This is what I believe the Lord wants from me...however, in the past weeks I have been questioning whether I really could honestly pray for this. Look at the rain that is pouring down on these families?? I have been shaken by the thought that my rain could one day look like theirs...and I can't get that thought out of my head!

Oh Lord...I want my soil rich, just don't bring me "that" kind of rain!!

Is that really fair to ask of the Lord? No. Not for me. I must welcome what He brings...trusting that whatever it is...however the rain falls in my life, that He will provide what is needed to move through it.

But Lord...bring me rain, that's ok...but please don't take my children from me!!

Honestly, I'm not finding peace in this rain and rich soil thing right now...but when I stop and think about it...could it be my own faithlessness and fear that is causing this turmoil inside my heart. And maybe just my humanness...none of us want to think that our family would go through something like Steven Curtis Chapman has!

As I have talked this over with the Lord, begged for His presence in these families lives...asked Him to work in my own insecurity that has surfaced...He has reminded me of some things. First, God sent His son (Jesus) to this world knowing all along that He would die a painful, horrible death on the cross! He does know what these families are going through! He's been there! Secondly, our "rain" will only be what we can handle and nothing more! What I can handle WITH the Lord...not on my own! I must rest in that assurance while I struggle with this fear that every parent thinks about from time to time!

For today, I will continue to press on and pray for "rich soils" in my life, fully aware that this will bring some rain. I know that His promises are true and with some time, I will work through the discomfort this prayer is bringing and eventually find peace! Maybe there's still more to learn!

Let me introduce you to my pantry!! Its hideous, I know.

Gasp now, I'll wait!!
I'm only posting this because I do not want to clean this today (or yesterday, or the day before that...). But I have to some how find the motivation to get this done...but look at it...where do you start?? Ugh...usually I am motivated my buying new containers to make it pretty, or making liners for baskets that would all match, etc. You know...things that really stall the entire process! I didn't want to spend any money, so I thought...hey lets do before and after shots and post so I can feel like a real accomplishment has occurred!! (and ya'll can tell me what a great job I did....hint hint:) ) So here goes...maybe the embarrassment that you now know what a mess I have here will motivate me to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!! I'll keep you posted...



OK...I'm done!! Let me "re-introduce" you to my pantry!! Exactly 2 hours and 4 trash bags and some boxes later (oh...and with a little "help" from my friends... a.k.a. my kids)...it is done!! I'm very excited over things being all lined up and in rows...can't hardly contain myself...but I did resist the urge to pull out my famous LABEL MAKER!! (the kids run when I pull it out!!) My drug store that I own is now on the top shelf...you'll notice that I still have some sorting to do there...but church tonight and all, I had to hurry!! I'm realizing too that it doesn't look like there's much food there (for 4 kids...3 of which are boys)...but you should see what my 2 refrigerators look like!! Ugh!! Now off to clean what my helpers destroyed in the past 2 hours!! Fun times!!

Welcome to our garden!

Here is some of the "action" going on in our garden!! The gardenia's are perfect...they might be my "new" favorite!!

Isn't it amazing??

I love all the colors...no wonder Andre likes to go see what "presents" are outside in the morning!! Everyday there's something new!!

My Reasons

So as I was thinking about what I would post next...many ideas came to mind. I want to dedicate one post to each of my children's "birth story" (they each have a special story about how they joined us!)...but then I have many "funnies" that I want to add (so I don't forget)...and then there's this battle going on inside my heart (actually more like an argument with the Lord) over the events that have occurred last week for Steven Curtis Chapman and his family. The tragic and horrific event that they all witnessed, ultimately causing them to release their 5 year old daughter/sister to the Lord has shaken things up a bit for me (as I know it has many others).

I had anticipated writing about one of those many options which I have thought about for a few days now. As I sit here this morning however, a new thought has come.

My reasons. Andre, Madelyn, Ramiro & Dakota (as they are from left to right in this picture). These 4 lives are "my reasons" for everything. I can not think of one thing that isn't in some way tied into them. They are the reason that I laugh, the reason why I have funny stories, the reason why I shop at BJ's (for buying in bulk!), my reason for reading books, the reason I cry, the reason I need to run, the reason why my temper shows its face most days, my reason for a suburban with crazy gas mileage, the reason why we have this particular house, etc. You get the point here...the list is just never ending! And I must say, they are the reason why I stay sure that I need the Lord. Ultimately, I want a relationship with Him, whether I ever had children or not...but If I want them to grow to love the Lord...I must be their example! I'm challenged by the thought that they will learn more from my actions than my words...*sigh*...I'm trying to consider my actions and reactions more and more every day!

Yesterday I put Madelyn in her little pool here for the first time! True to her personality, she just looked around at first and took it all in. No squealing, no splashing, nothing...just looked at the water, looked at me, felt of this funny outfit she was now sporting...the first shot here was her first glimmer of a smile that this could be fun. The second shot was much later when she had officially decided to enjoy the water and splash around a bit! She also yesterday took her first few very stable steps! *another big sigh* My baby is growing faster than I want...but I'm enjoying her in a way that I didn't allow myself to do with the boys!

I am reminded to not take a day for granted...it could be my last. To enjoy life's fun moments and relax in child like play!

I love taking Andre out in the mornings to look at the garden and see what bloomed over night. He is very impressed and somehow thinks I had something to do with it! He praises me for doing such a good job at "growing that flower so big"...*stopping to smile*...He can't seem to grasp (at 3) the concept that God gave us flowers and He is the one that grows them.

"no mommy...you put it there...I saw you when you came home from the store with them and put them in this dirt right here...right??"

"Well Andre...I did buy them and then planted them in this dirt, but God is the reason why the flowers bloom...He made these flowers special just for us to enjoy looking at and smelling...He was thinking of us when he made these...He knew we would love them every morning..."

And once again...the Lord reminds me...We are His reasons! His reason for everything He does! From a beautiful flower to giving of His Son...we were the reason for it all!!

For today, I'll rest in that!

-Jill

The power of endorphines!

When I run, I will most certainly attend the get together that I was invited to but felt too busy for. When I run, I plan to go straight home and immediately pay all the currently due bills. When I run, I know that an extra 30 minutes will be like Heaven...I will have plenty of energy for that and more! When I run, I rehearse how I will say "NO" to everything that I am not "called" to do but am still doing. When I run, I plan wonderfully healthy meals for my children...knowing that they will love all the veggies and thank me for the yummy dinner. When I run, I commit to cleaning out the pantry, reorganizing the linen closet and clearing out the past weeks worth of "out-grown clothes" in the kids rooms. Oh and then bag them...labeling appropriately for charity...getting out the next sizes and assuring that they are neatly placed in the correct drawer for them to easily find! Whew! When I run, I reorganize the budget to give more and waste less. When I run, I plan to never say unkind words about anyone. I will only allow uplifting and encouraging words leave my lips. When I run, the world is full of opportunities and "green lights". When I run, I promise to keep my house spotless, floors mopped, laundry complete and all moldy,green fuzzy food out of my fridge. When I run, I vow to find more time to be still before the Lord. When I run, I will always praise my children's accomplishments and understand their need to "test boundaries".

When my run has ended and my feet have come to a halt...I somehow face the reality of the "red lights", the attitudes of "do I have to eat this?? Its gross", the loss for words when I'm faced with another responsibility, the lack of energy and desire to clean out the kids clothes, and think that green fuzz in the fridge would be helpful for next years 5th grade science project! Oh ya, and certainly the Lord knows I need my rest! My other self has resurfaced and is back. The Jill that makes it moment to moment. The mother that begins to fume over a certain child (who is blond, 4 and looks just like his mother...ahem) that must always have his way! Where did the "running Jill" go? Can't she stay a little longer?? Doesn't she know that we need her here at this house?? Maybe she's only to be found out on the roads. Its an interesting phenomena that the simple act of feet to pavement allows the "day to day Jill" to fade away, soon to be replaced by the one I really want to be.

My truest desire is to one day find that the "running Jill" and the "day to day Jill" have decided to merge. They have joined forces and become one! Until then, I will continue to strengthen the Jill in running shorts and pray for the Jill at home! Endorphins are a wonderful thing!

God Blessed my Broken Road

"Bless The Broken Road"


I set out on a narrow way
many years ago
Hoping I would find true love
along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you


[Chorus:]Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were just Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

[Chorus]

Now I'm just rolling home
Into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.


Isn't this a great song?? I'm thrilled to see Christian artists using it these days...it certainly has a great message and sadly, I feel that I could be the "poster child" for its truths in my life. My road has been broken...not at all straight or even just crooked...just flat out broken! The good news here is this: The Lord does bless our brokenness, our past that is filled with baggage, and He can heal the pain that has been accumulated along the way! Where I find such truth in this song is that this broken road has always led me back to the Lord, His loving arms do await us all. Even when I think I'll try "my way" first! I certainly have made a mess of some things and found out the saying is true: "He didn't need my help as much as I thought He did"!!

10 1/2 years ago the Lord called me to go before my entire church congregation and publicly ask forgiveness for my sins. I felt strongly that I had to faithfully do what He placed upon my heart. I needed to do this in order to feel free to go before the Lord and ask Him to "bless my mess"!! I had to do my part and though it was extremely difficult...it wasn't a gray area for me. I wanted to find every way out of the "publicly asking others for forgiveness" part...but could never find it! What I did find was the overwhelming love of the Lord. The freedom in that moment when this congregation rose to their feet as a symbol of forgiveness and acceptance was a cherished moment in my life!

I can not find the words to express the peace that overcame me during that time. It was a challenging time in my life...but the Lord poured His grace upon me, forgave me for my rebellion (not to mention the sorry example of a Christian that I had been), and absolutely blessed my broken road!!

I am still today grateful for what God did in my life! He gave me a gift that I never knew I needed...but I did!! At this time I can't share the details of those days...but someday it may be more appropriate. For now, I will stand sure that the Lord will bless us...no matter what the road looks like!

(change of subject....)

For fun...here's a sweet side of my oldest son, Dakota! I always want to remember these little moments!!
Most every spider (or some other critter) that finds its way in our house is carefully caught and safely placed outside to run free! Dakota encourages me to put down my house shoe and consider the spider's situation saying; "mom, what did that spider ever do to you?"! And absolutely, he is right!

The spiders lives are spared and I am reminded that God uses these blessings called "children" to correct my thinking! (by the way, I think that spider went and told all his MANY spider friends the good news about our house...:) ) Regardless, I am thankful for the life and wisdom of my son! He is one of my many blessings!!
-Jill

The author of my story

First, I have to add 2 pictures I just love that were taken recently of Madelyn and I! What a joy is it to finally have a girl and to see yourself through her (notice I didn't say "IN HER"...ahem)! I have to remind myself to stop kissing her and get something else done!! Like dishes, laundry, cleaning, pulling weeds...none of which are any fun!!

I could sit and look at her all day...but let me see if I can pull myself together and manage something else for a few moments...here goes............

There are many things that I have thought to blog about...things I want my kids to know about "how things were back then", things I think they would enjoy being reminded of (don't we all like to hear stories of what we did when we were little??), and certainly the day to day struggles and joys of managing a large family! I certainly could have kept this all very private...journaling (pen and paper) is not easy for me, but I could have done this blog idea without it being public for everyone to see! I have wrestled with this idea (public/private) for some time. My main issue here is simple...why would you care?? Why do people go and read other blogs?? More of the issue...why would we read about a total stranger?? I have wondered why anyone would even care to read what I have to say...I'm a fairly normal (that's relative, I know...)mother with normal obstacles to overcome. Maybe the truth is...not many will read them, and that's ok! In a world where we are overcome by schedules and demands on our time...who has time (even if they did care) to sit and read all these "life stories" when we are barely surviving our own? The reality too is I'm not even sure If I'll even know who is reading them unless they leave a comment!

So...the long and short of this issue...my children will one day see these and I want them to be thankful I did this! Though I'm clearly not a writer (can you tell that I write like I talk??) and am not eloquent with much that I do or say...the Lord has given us all a story! I think we forget to think of our lives as such! A story that has its drama and its lessons. Its failed attempts and its triumphs. A story that the Lord finds extremely important and unique to each of us! The Lord has used others to teach me many things...and maybe the same can be true here! Our Savior should be praised, for I too have many blessing to share and my hearts desire is to trust Him to be the ONLY AUTHOR IN MY STORY!

Let the fun begin!

Yes, I guess I've given in...become part of the fad and am doing "what everyone else is doing"!! I've contemplated and debated this idea...talked myself in and out of it everyday! However, I've now done it and here it is...simple as it is: its a blogspot!!

Not sure what this will become or how it all works...how do you get music on this crazy thing?? Isn't there just a tab that says "music"?? Not that I can find. Anyways, I was thinking that this would be a fun way to journal my kids "funnies" and special moments in life that so easily get forgotten. I can print them off for my kids to read as they grow older. But it also gives a place where family and friends can see what's going on, watch as the children grow, offer advice, and above all...laugh together!! Well, maybe even, cry together! This journey is not easy...never was it promised to be! It is survivable...I think...but it will certainly stretch us and strengthen us! Hence the "I need thee" as my site address (is that what you call it? a site address?? I'll have to ask my 10 year old!! ha ha). The Lord is the only way I see to surviving this and keeping some level of sanity! I must seek His guidance daily and pray for His forgiveness and grace!! "My way" has always been the harder one, yet I have pushed to try it first. The Lords plans ironically seem to work out every time! I don't always understand His timing or His ways...but I've gotten too old and tired now to keep insisting that I might have a better suggestion!! I'll just go with His!!

I am also training for a marathon next February 2009!! I've run off and on since my college days. It was then that running became my hiding place! I had run some before college, but never did I NEED IT!! Living in a dorm with a bunch of girls was such an odd experience for me. I longed to get away from the gossip, loud music, bickering and silly "girlyness" that was flooding the halls! I wanted to run so I could hear nothing but my feet hitting the ground and my lungs working to keep up!! I discovered that this was when the Lord would speak to me most! He had my attention for a good 45 minutes!! I craved this time and experience with Him! I would run in the heat, torrential downpours, and even through snow storms; just to have this time to "shed some stress", work out an ending on a paper and more importantly, seek the presence of the Lord. However, on a college campus there are not many places to hide from the hustle and bustle of students...I therefore went to a cemetery next to the campus and though strange at first, I quickly found the perfect place for quiet runs!! I memorized every inch of that cemetery and can still see it in my mind today! I was completely free to laugh out loud, cry (sometimes sob), talk to myself, sing, etc. Well, actually, there were a few embarrassing moments when someone was there to visit a loved ones grave...and would happen upon one of my "less than finer moments"!! I'll write more later on my "college runs" in that cemetery and how important that place still is to me today!! Little did I know at the time...

For now, I must go... Andre's playing with ice...he keeps coming and giving me kisses so I can feel how cold his "yips" are!!

-Jill