"Working through"

I'm slacking on the pictures...I promise I will do better next week b/c I do have some cute ones to share!

I just wanted to write a few things. Today, I don't want to forget the strength of who sustains me. Though I would really prefer to not be where I am at this time in my life, I want to hold on to the fresh dose of unfailing love that I sense from the Lord.

I am somewhat "raw" today. My thoughts are simple and fairly scattered. I, however, have made a commitment to be present. To be available for my children and to myself during this storm. I have an uncanny ability to "check out" during prolonged periods of emotional stress. So much so that I have chunks of time that I have very little memory of. I had found it easier to temporarily shut down the emotions to allow for simple survival of the everyday tasks that need tending to. I've decided however that this really was not very mature, nor fair to my children, and certainly not a healthy way in which to go about living. I will not simply "survive" this experience. I have committed to "working through" this experience. I will allow myself to feel what needs felt, cry for what needs tears, and sort through what needs sorting.

This brings me to yesterday.

The first half of my day (yesterday) was extremely difficult and sad. Full of moments that I personally never wanted to see be a part of my life or my story. There was a "pause" in my life.

In the afternoon, I found myself standing at my kitchen sink, starring out the window. Starring at how the sun was shinning on my yard and how the cars that were driving past my house, all seemed to have something to do. It seemed odd b/c for me at that moment...time seemed to stand absolutely still and "pause". No movement. No breathing. No relief from the overwhelming sadness that had wrapped itself around my heart. A "pause" that felt little assurance that these feelings would pass.

As I stood there, I eventually became aware of my clock that hangs on my wall above the stove. It's been there for several years, usually only providing information on the time of day. But yesterday the clock ticked, and ticked, and ticked. So loudly that I had to wonder how I had never heard it before. I know my house is usually loud, but this was annoyingly loud! Tick! Tick! Tick! I began to smirk. And my demeanor soon changed. As I stood there listening to each second pass, I wondered if this was part of being present and living in the moment, literally in each second. Though I was sad (and had gone through half the tissue box in 10 minutes), overcome with disappointment and a great sense of loss, I could (literally) hear that time was still moving. Soon hope began to return, for with each ticking of the clock there was an assurance of a new minute and a new day, there is a wonderful promise that this too will pass. Healing would eventually replace the sadness with joy. I felt assured that I could stand to live in the moment, maybe even in the second b/c I could count on it not lasting forever!

All I could muster up to say to the Lord was this:
As each second turns into a minute, each minute becomes and hour, and soon then the day will be over...be near me Lord, for I do not want to simply survive this. I do not want to miss what you need me to learn. May the sadness be only for a time, but not overwhelm what you are doing in my life. Lord let your face be seen through my tears and your love be felt through the pain!

I later went and got the rest of the kids from school and took them all to the park. I wanted them to play and run. To laugh, giggle, and enjoy the experience of being young and carefree! I wanted to see their hair blowing in the wind and capture their smiles as part of this day. For children are great at living in the moment...