But the reality is...it's still on my mind and I've come to a few conclusions, and finally feel led to share them.
First, let me just say...and since most of you all know anyways...I've just recently gotten divorced.
It makes my heart race just spelling it out, but it is still a very new feeling (and I suspect it will be for some time) and at times just down right hard to think of. I still find myself saying "my husband" and then trying to awkwardly fix what I just said. This has been a difficult journey for many and unfortunately divorce comes with deep wounds that ache with sadness.
The deal about this blog and my divorce is this...I'm not really interested in explaining my marriage, its challenges, nor my divorce here. If you thought that I might be giving some juicy insight on "what went wrong"...you won't find it here. Sorry if your disappointed, I hope you know me better than that. Divorce is however, a very touchy subject in the church (not my church specifically, just in general) and I do want to take this post to share how I have experienced God in the midst of my divorce.
In doing so, I do not want to magnify my divorce.
Instead I want to magnify the One who is getting me through this divorce.
The difference is huge...I hope you see it!!
Growing up I thought of divorce as a sin. Maybe because I knew that the Bible says that God hates divorce. So, I therefore connected it to sin. And I can see that in some situations divorce may be a result of some sin. But I'm not sure that I would just make divorce as black and white as I once thought.
Divorce is complicated. It is painful. It tends to not bring out our "best" personality traits. ahem. It can cause bitterness and resentment. It is exhausting. It causes confusion in a household. Families are torn apart. Children have "adult issues" to process. It creates an environment of blame.
All these things the Lord hates. And so do I.
I understand first hand why the Lord hates divorce.
And the truth be told, I hate it too.
I might need to add that I know what the Bible says about divorce. I can almost quote it to you backwards (small dyslexic joke there!!). I have studied it, prayed over it and spoken with many different trained Christian counselors and pastors about it.
In the midst of my divorce, I want to share what I have walked away with...a new understanding of a Savior who Redeems. Who offers freedom. Who strengthens His children. A God who changes hearts and softens spirits (but not always for the one who we thought needed it)! One who speaks...and does so clearly. A Father who IS unfailing love.
I have prayed for miracles in my marriage for a long time. And frankly, I've been disappointed when I didn't see changes and things weren't improving. But as I sit here today, on a Tuesday afternoon...I see the miracles! Much to my surprise, miracles were occurring all along.
A life had begun to change.
A heart softened to God's way.
Mercy was found.
Forgiveness offered and taken.
Anger gone.
Miracles have occurred alright.
Oddly enough, the miracle was occurring within me!
It's not what I was praying for or had in mind...of course, I had prayed that I would make the changes necessary for my marriage and see where my weaknesses needed better tending to...but I wasn't really thinking that the "miracle" I was looking for was the transformation of my own heart.
The Lord has transformed a life and a relationship.
The life was mine...the relationship was with Him!
It has made all the difference this past year. It has gotten me through moments when I just couldn't handle the pain and fear. When I couldn't see around the corner but still had to make decisions about the future!
One verse that I have held on to for the past 12-18 months is this: John 8:32
"You will know the truth and the truth will set you free."
I have searched diligently for truth throughout this experience. I needed the "you will know the truth". I've asked God to show me truth in my circumstances and His truth for my life! And He did! He is truth and only truth. I began to see things I've never seen before. Feel things I've never felt before. And answers came that gave me assurance.
I became a student of the Bible (and hope to always be). I quickly became aware that I needed to learn how to clearly hear God's voice, and be very sure of His direction in my life...so I read books, listened to sermons online, memorized verses, etc. I have come out of that study with an incredible amount of truth! It will set you free!
This journey has taken a great deal of time, energy and emotion. My hands have ached from journaling and my heart has cried its deepest tears. I've realized things (about myself) that were hard to swallow and "truths" that I just didn't like...oh how I hate that! But the time and energy spent has grown my faith and given me a hope that I just couldn't trade for anything.
I'm not sure how to end this.
Suddenly I feel overwhelmed...did I communicate what God would have me say? I think so. I pray so.
I want to express to anyone reading this blog that God is always the answer. I've experienced heartache like I never dreamed, broken dreams and huge disappointments. Through it all...God was still the answer!
Yes, He hates divorce...but He loves us.
And so when you pray for miracles, don't be surprised when you turn out to be the one who He performs the miracles on!!
What Jesus touches, He always changes!
Blessings my dear friends, Jill
1 comment:
Jill, I am so sorry to hear that you have had to go through this. Your blog is an inspiration and many should read it. God Bless you and your children and I can see that he is comforting you.
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