Mirror, Mirror on the wall

This morning I quickly dropped off 3 of the kids to their various places and headed off with Madelyn to do some shopping. Not really fun shopping...just things like wipes, paper towels, milk, etc. I didn't have much time so I spent very few minutes in the bathroom getting ready, threw something on the baby and was gone. As I was later pumping gas (that takes a lot of time with a suburban...not to mention the heart attach when you put in $100 and the tank isn't full!!), I happen to look into my tinted windows at a reflection. Actually, at first I thought someone was behind me. Unfortunately I quickly realized that face was mine! I noticed that my hair needs cutting, my makeup was non-existent, some color on my lips would have helped that "half dead" look I was sporting...but, I couldn't get over the wrinkles and the way my skin looked saggy. Like under my eyes, around my mouth, etc. Ugh. I was shocked, scared. And you know it is bad if you can notice these things through the dirty tinted windows of the suburban!!

I smiled at myself (hopefully no one saw me :)) but I felt as if I was looking at a stranger. Someone vaguely familiar. You know the face that you can't put the name to?? Where do I know her from?? And, the smile didn't seem right. Uncomfortable.

Of course, I knew it was me...but as I stood there looking at the face, the one looking straight back at me...I just had this moment when all else stopped. Is this what I've become?? I look tired, worn, frazzled. Surviving. Defeated by 4 little kids who just want to show me something cool on tv, to listen one more time to their new song on the piano, to help them build an awesome fort.

I could see the unsettledness in my own face. I could sense the "pit" in my stomach. I saw someone going through the motions and worse, I realized this face didn't seem to be faking it so well anymore.

As I drove away, I wanted to leave the reflection of that tired, worn down, "fake" face that I just stared at. I wanted her to be gone. Wiped away from my memory.

Is this really me?? It can't be. Not that I know what "me" really is yet...but I certainly don't want THAT (what I just saw) to be it!!

Driving home, I became overwhelmed by this thought: What does my face say about the Gospel of Christ? Is this a reflection of Christ I just saw? Let me just say, conviction began its way through my heart! And I'm thankful for it.

I am reminded that Christ didn't die on the cross for us to walk around in despair. Hurt by circumstances. He didn't endure the beatings so we would feel beat down. His plan was not for Christians to go through the motions of life, just surviving. He did what He did for us to HAVE LIFE and to live it fully! To celebrate the God that lives within us! The Lord knew we would face trials, so even when times are tough, He gives us His strength!! When we are deflated...He inflates!!

This song comes to mind:

I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord

I'm pressed down but not crushed
persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed

I'm blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure
And His joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

Yes Lord Yes!!

So...mirror, mirror on the wall...be far away from me!
I'm trading THAT face in today...I'm laying it down.
I will instead choose the JOY OF THE LORD!!
That's the real me that's screaming to get out.
For I know that I am His...and He is mine!
There is joy in the Lord...with the Lord!
I claim it as mine today!!

Oh how sweet it is!!

3 down and 1 to go!! Today was Andre's first day at his new school...a.k.a. 3 day/morning only program! It's not much, but its something!! He's been anxiously awaiting his turn to be at "school" like his big brothers. He was a tad disappointed that he didn't need to take a lunch (he comes home at noon) and that he didn't need a backpack for papers. But as you see, he did take a bag with an extra change of clothes (just in case)...and yes, it is a black toile bag!! I do feel bad that I had to send my 3 year old son to school on his first day with a toile bag! I promise that I would make him a cool boy one...quickly!! But, I couldn't think of sending his clothes in a plastic grocery bag...so at the last moment this one had to do the job!!

Anyways...as Madelyn and I came home, I plopped down on the floor of the play room and just laughed! Almost cried...but mostly laughed!! She looked at me like 'what is so funny, we're just sitting on the floor, mom might be loosing it here'. And then she gave me this huge grin as if she suddenly totally got it and let out this huge belly laugh!! I think I kissed her a little too much at that point, but she was irresistible!!

Its a sobering thought that if we wouldn't have had this HUGE surprise of a 4th child, I would be sitting on that floor by myself!! What I had thought was going to be my last baby is now at school!

So, as I put Madelyn to bed, I went into the kitchen to do something...couldn't figure out what to do, came to the office to work on a project...couldn't make up my mind which one to start. Thought I would sweep the floors...they weren't needing it (how did that happen??). Went to go check the mail (at 10 am??)...mail doesn't come til 3pm. Ugh...the stillness in this house is bothering me!! I need some noise in order to get anything done around here!! I'll be alright, I'll find some way to enjoy this...I'm still thinking about how funny Madelyn was when she joined in the hysterical laughter on the floor!! I'm wondering what she ended up deciding was really so funny...

Oh well...30 more minutes...maybe I should work on laundry...hopefully it's already clean!!

All is well!

Well, I think we did what they officially call "hunkering down"!! I now realize that's a nice way of saying "prepare for out of control kids and horrible cabin fever"!! I'm thinking we might survive though and as far as I'm concerned...its time to go shopping!! Yahoo!! Isn't that what mothers deserve after being locked in the house for 3 days with her 4 kids?? I'm thinking so!! JoAnns' here I come!! I may not buy a thing, but I want to look at it all and touch everything!!

This morning we have woken up to the very unfortunate sound of chain saws!! Apparently something has fallen across the street and then we have this big tree down next door that our neighbor is going to have to contend with!! Yesterday afternoon, this very large tree just couldn't take it anymore!! I heard it fall...silly me, I thought it was a tornado (since we had a few of those in our county)!! This picture is only half of the tree, the other half is completely blocking her driveway and until it gets moved, she's going no where fast!! I feel blessed, our house is completely surrounded by very large, old trees and thankfully, they all survived!!

So today the kids have a big job to do!! We have 2 1/2 acres of debris to clean up and tons of Spanish moss to rake!! The boys are thrilled to be doing anything outside...even if it is cleaning!! And as for me cleaning up outside...I might be too old for that now!! I am after all, over 26!! :)

The rains came down and the floods came up....

It's here...the rain is now falling and the floods are beginning. We've blocked up the front of our house as much as we can, hopefully its enough to keep water out! Why is it that our neighbors will never flood, and we always do?? Living on a lake does have its issues...flooding is one. The rain piles up at our doors and can't get down to the lake...our house is in the way unfortunately!! So...we will wait and see what happens. We are praying for our power to stay on and the flooding to be minimal!! I never like to see my sewing patterns floating around in my office (its happened before!). We will keep you posted if we can!!

Back to school, a.k.a. mommy simi-vacation!!

***update at bottom of this post*****
This pic was from last year...August 2007, first day of school. Sorry the picture was so bad...the sun was crazy for some reason. I tried the "stop squinting and smile nicely" thing...not so successful! But I wanted to compare their heights for the past/next years! I guess it did serve it's purpose.


This year it was much better for us silly moms who need a million shots of our kids on their first day!! I'm just now noticing that Ramiro had stood up on his toes...so his height increase is a little off! And Dakota is not standing up tall...oh well, we can atleast see that yes, they are growing. Maybe not so quickly, in Dakota's case, but there is progress being made!! Yahoo!!

For these two...first day of school is no sweat. This is Dakota's 6th year (K-5th grade) at this school and Ramiro's 3rd year (pre-k3, pre-k4 x2 years). They were both glad to be back...Ramiro especially!! Dakota is on the Safety Patrol this year, his first day is actually tomorrow "on post". So we will need to do the picture thing all over again, yeah for me!!

Poor Andre, he's asked me a million times already today when "Miro and Kota" will be home. He sure does miss them. His day will be coming...hoping to get him started next week on a 3 day, morning program! Yahoo, I would be down to one kid then!! Sweetness for me!! Maybe I could actually DO something for a change!!


**************************************************
Do you want to know something weird??
I got the most unusual call today.
From CVS, of all places.
They called to tell me that my insurance had denied one of my prescriptions that I dropped of the other day, and therefore it would be $185 to fill it.
What?? They denied it??
That has never happened before.
The lady asked if I had ever had another pharmacy fill this specific med before. No. I've never needed this medication before. She gets this funny tone of voice, like she's not wanting anyone to hear, and says "Maam, your insurance has denied this med because your too old ".
TOO OLD... FOR A PRESCRIPTION??? What??
I've never been told that before.
What is she talking about and WHO does she think she's talking to? I clarified that she was in fact talking to the right person and about the right medication.
Yep. Everything was right.
My insurance company will only cover this med if you are "younger than 26"!
Do you want to know what the drug was??
Retin-A.
Yes, Retin-A for pimples!
At 32, I'm having horrible issues with my skin. The doctor thinks that this sometimes happens when you get your tubes tied...as well as normal hormone changes that happen after 30!! Nice.
And apparently, BC/BS only thinks women under the age of 26 should need help with this.
I can't tell you the feeling that came over me when I hung up the phone.
Too old huh? I have been denied a medication b/c I'm TOO OLD??
I'm sick. And suddenly feel weird in my own skin.
I'm not sure If I can digest this. I'll let you know tomorrow!!

heal the wound...leave the scar

Yesterday was one of those days which I will play back in my head in slow motion...over and over again for awhile. What if it would have been like this? Would I have been able to keep it together or would I have slowly come unraveled??

Two weeks ago I had gone to see a dermatologist and have a spot on my chest looked at. I have never been to one, had never made the time to get an "all over body check". Sounds like fun huh?? It wasn't too bad actually. But one of my aunts has passed away from Melanoma...it was fast, ugly and devastating. Seems like we should have all gone right away, right? Well, I never did. Having babies...being busy living life. Excuses that could have had ugly repercussions!!

At this appointment the doctor was careful to look over every area...I have lots of freckles btw...this took some time. He was totally not impressed with the spot on my chest, the reason why I came in the first place. Actually, I felt like he hardly even looked at it. He said "oh, just a skin tag". Really? Its not clear. "oh, just a tan skin tag". Ok then.

Once he got to my stomach he stopped quickly and wanted to know how long this freckle had been there. Forever!! I never remember not having it. Yes it seems bigger, but I've had 5 pregnancies...things look different you know?? Yes it was dark...ahem, ok almost black. But you know, I run...with a sports bra on and usually not a top shirt. So, maybe it had gotten a little darker from the sun exposure this summer. Or maybe not.

At this appointment 2 weeks ago, they decided to "cut" the spot out. No shaving it. Just cutting. It had a root to it and so the shaving thing they usually do wasn't going to work. It's been healing fine, I will have a scar but I'm not sweating that at this point. However, when they took the lesion, I didn't get a warm and cozy feeling about their body language. I tried not to worry. They wanted to find out what it was, then in two weeks go back in and take the skin around it to make sure it was all clear.

2 weeks pass.

Yesterday, back at the doctor now for the results and to have the rest removed. They had prepared me that I might be looking at a good size section to be taken.
Come to find out, the freckle that I had never thought a second over...yes well it turned out to be "melanoma in the workings" as he finally put it. No, it is not melanoma now, but the pathology indicated that it was heading that way. Whew!! He showed me pictures of the stages that these spots go through...ugh...didn't make me feel good. Mine was one step before some big issues. Thankfully the pathology was also indicating that all the margins were clear!! Another words, I had nothing else done to it!! No more cutting. No sutures!!

Not sure whether I was to feel good about this or not, I asked him what his overall feeling was. Should I worry about this?? His response: "My dear, this might have never grown to be anything more than what it was. 20 years from now it might have looked exactly the same. However, at 32 years of age my fear is that if you hadn't come in now, next year some time you could have had an ugly Melanoma and not had a good prognosis...I think this was a blessing. Go enjoy your 4 kids".

gulp. deep breath.

Suddenly that skin tag felt like such a blessing!! Actually, I looked at it last night...I can't even really find it anymore!! Humm...

The take away??

First: go to the dermatologist. You don't need a spot to go be seen. I probably would have never gone over this freckle on my stomach. I thought I was looking for something raised above the skin. Sooooo not true!!

Second: the Lord is good!! For now, its a wound. Still healing, still a fresh reminder of what "could have been". And, I'm ok with the scar that it will leave. It will serve as a reminder that the Lord is ALL things. He is the Master Physician, the healer of big and small. He knows our needs before we know them ourselves. He is our Comfort and our Strength. He knows all our ways. He is our Creator and therefore He knows us very well. I am a thankful woman today!!

I have thought about this song from Point of Grace...Heal the wound. Here's the words, can't figure out how to download the music on this thing. But the words are the important part anyways.

Heal the Wound by Point of Grace

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew me back then
I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Faces only a mother could love!

Andre, Age 3 1/2... seems fairly consistent with child development stages for his age. Apparently he thought he needed a few extra legs...maybe to keep up with his brothers!!



Ramiro, Age 4 1/2... usually children start with "stick" figures once they make the connection that arms and legs aren't connected to the head!! What happened to the "stick" figure here?? Where is he getting his "inspiration" from?? Short legs...I'll give him that. We are short legged people around here. And the smile is perfect!!But the potato body?? Give me a break.

Beijing inspiration!!

Before I start on what I was really going to blog about today...I have to say that my dear friend Cathy is too funny. She shows up at my house on Friday evening and says..."I wanted to be waiting for you at the bench when you went running tonight, but I was afraid I'd be waiting for a long time. I don't know what time you were going." I just about cracked up!! She had read my previous blog. If I had gotten around the corner and close enough to see her sitting on that bench waiting for me...I think I might would have wet my pants!! (sorry if that's TMI)

Anyways, she did want to go running and she was really a good sport. She has never run more than 2 miles...well Friday night she ran at least 3...probably closer to 3.5 miles!! Yahoo Cathy!! I had to push her some...but only to help her realize that she can go farther than she thinks!!

Then on Saturday night my phone rings...another dear friend, Erika, was wanting to run! I really had to go 6-7 miles that night, so we agreed to meet each other at "the bench" and we ran my first 2 miles together!! I waved her on and finished my run...it was great too by the way! She's really doing well!!

I was thrilled that at mile 6, I felt great...felt that I could at least go another 2...but decided to not push my luck. I hadn't had much sleep (sick baby) and know this is a sure way to get injured! So I stopped at 6 miles and called it a night! Funny enough...I feel asleep within 5 minutes of hitting my pillow!! I haven't done that in weeks!! As far as the sleep problem, aka insomnia, I think it's fixed!! I don't think my body was handling the "too busy to run" situation. You would think with 4 kids I would be exhausted...I am...but more mentally than physically. I have gotten used to running longer distances and my body needs to be just flat worn out! Apparently, I need that to sleep well!!

Ok, so my real post??
Beijing 2008!!
I love the Olympics. I love sports. I love the competition. I love the stories. I love the excitement and I love the tears!! Can you watch the Olympics and not cry?? Some of triumph, some of sadness. Can you see the stories of these young kids and the determination that they have...giving up what normal kids have, and not be moved?? Things like friends, a life, school, etc. What teenager doesn't want friends?? Did you see one of the American divers last night? She said she has no life outside of diving. No social life, no friends, nothing. Just eat, sleep and diving. For years. Wow! She said that she has the rest of her life for those things!! Very true...but the self discipline of that lifestyle is incredible.

I love to see where these athletes come from. Michael Phelps, for instance...raised by only his mother (who had 3 kids). She just so happen to enroll him in a swimming class to help him have an outlet for all his "little boy" energy that was driving her crazy...it clicked! The coach saw something no one else did...he planted a seed inside this young kid and his mother. And at 10-11 years old...they started building an Olympian!! And aren't they glad they did!!

But then I see those sweet little Chinese gymnasts...ugh...are they really 16 years old?? They can't even possibly be 13!! But the look on their faces. Their concentration. Their tears when they fall. The huge disappointment that you can see in their faces. Ugh. They are Olympians for heavens sake...they are the best of the best...I want them to feel proud of themselves not hiding their face in shame. Can you watch that and not want to love on them?? They've been doing this since they were 3 however!! Three! years! old! Giving up everything when they didn't even know what an "Olympian" was. They should be coloring and playing "hide and seek"...instead they are perfecting their "pretzel" bends. You know what I'm talking about? When they bend their legs up and around to their head...resting their chin on their calves!! It's truly incredible what these young athletes go through for years...just for this one event!!

This is all soooo motivating, inspiring, and makes for great TV (which I never really watch anymore!!). I just can't see faces like this, emotion this deep and not be motivated!! This is what I would call PASSION!!

Of course, I am anxiously awaiting the Olympic Marathons next weekend!! I love the track and field events too.

No I don't hear the Olympic anthem when I'm out running...but I know that in our own ways, in a very small sense of the word...we are all Olympians! We all must overcome obstacles and push ourselves beyond what seems fair, what's natural. But, I must secretly tell you that I personally love getting a metal put around my neck at the end of races (the big ones, that is)!! They are "my" Olympic moment and I feel like I have truly accomplished something!!

Nothing.

Whew its late...way to many of those in the past week...I'm beginning to feel old.
Ugh.
The realization is hitting...I'm not 20 something anymore. I'm now 30 something.
The difference...how I handle sleep. I just can't make it without enough sleep anymore.
For starters...my attitude stinks when I'm tired.
Secondly, I get really cranky...actually, that's kind of like the "for starters", but its worth repeating. Let me start over, I get really cranky and then my attitude stinks! There, that's more clear. ###???
Thirdly, I just can't get caught up now, once behind. Madelyn and sleep don't go well together. Actually, want the truth?? Madelyn and sleeping in her own bed don't go well together. I never really let the boys sleep with me...bad habits are hard to fix, you know?? But I was "20 something" then...it's all very different now of course...I'm now in my 30's! I do what I have to do in order to get some sleep. I suppose I figure that sometime later I will be more rested and will address the bad habit that I have now created. The monster.

My mother would tell you that nothing has really changed however. I've always been a little on the "sensitive" side when it comes to sleep.

Ok...so why am I talking about sleep...when I should be asleep instead of doing this blog. But, tonight I'm fighting sleep. Like Madelyn does. Kicking and screaming at the very thought of it. Why? I've got this "nothing" thing going on. Are you confused...good...so am I.

I'm thinking that it is this (but I'm not really sure to be exact)...I have not had good runs in awhile. Except last Sunday night...I ran 3 miles in 28 minutes...that's note worthy for this 10 minute miler!! But I've had very short runs lately, I guess is the deal. 3-4 miles has been the norm. Last night I was only able to run 2 miles! I was wondering if it was even worth dirtying up (gosh, is that even a word??) a sports bra over!! I'm either in a hurry, too tired, something hurts and I'm too tired, or I'm just "not in the mood"...probably b/c I'm too tired!! I'm beginning to see a chicken/egg issue here.

Anyways, things seem oddly quiet for me lately. I know...hard to believe huh? Me... quiet?? But it is the truth. No major revelations. No "light bulb" moments. Nothing. I ran yesterday in completely silence...granted, it was only 2 miles...but this is very unheard of for me. I run for many reasons...but one very significant reason is time with the Lord. I am 100% sure and convinced that the Lord is in great shape these days...He's training for this marathon too. I feel His presence on every run. I can hear Him speak to me so clearly that I find myself sometimes looking to see if someone is behind me.

At the risk of sounding a little "loopy" (no comments needed, thanks), I will share a consistent thought I have. First though, you have to know that I always start my run from the same spot. A bench along the paved trail I run on...its a great place to stretch, therefore I usually walk from my house to that bench and go from there. I usually reach that bench and think "thank you Lord for being here waiting for me, stretched and ready to run...I'm ready too, lets go". No, I've never really seen anyone there waiting for me...but His presence is very clear.

Lately, nothing.

All I hear is my breathing and my shoes. Oddly enough...it hasn't been raining either. Only dry (well muggy...but no rain) and hot. Maybe I'm missing the rain...surely not. But maybe. Or is it that I'm just not out there long enough to get my head clear so I can "hear" the Lord correctly. Don't know.

Not sure what to make of this situation. I know the Lord doesn't leave us, therefore I guess He's still at the bench waiting for me. Maybe He's still running with me too. But why the silence?

I wish I had a good ending for this blog...I don't.

But what I do have is the faith that this is all God's way of teaching me. Sometimes He speaks very clearly...and apparently at other times it's different.

Friday night? I'll be out there again.
We'll see what happens at the bench....

Pictures of Madelyn

Ok...so a few pictures to share. First... we did a family belated birthday thing for Maddie...she had a ball...can you tell?? Look at that face...she was clapping up a storm and had a great time!! Actually, me too!!! I'm having a great time with this girl thing. I think I smiled and laughed all weekend...great therapy too by the way!!

There is something so wonderful about having a daughter...pure joy!! Who ever thought that pink icing could be so fun?? And playing with Papi's glasses (very big no-no...HUGE) when he's not looking?? Waaayyy too much fun! Hoping he didn't notice that we sprung the hinges during our fun!! Oops...sorry Papi!!

Ok, now this is my sister, Carrie!! I can't tell you how many people asked us this weekend if this was her daughter! Madelyn is her little "mini me" for sure!! These pictures may not show the resemblance well...but its there! They clearly have some "shared traits"!! Hopefully Madelyn will have Carrie's humor (she's hysterical)...oh and her brains too (she's too smart for her own good!!)...oh and her sense of style, artistic talent, and good looks, and..... oh it never ends!!

Stay tuned...

more to follow tomorrow!!

Sorry Carrie if your not "in love" with these pictures of you...there were limited ones to pick from... I think they are great anyways!!

The sweetest moment

WHAT A WEEKEND!! WHEW!!

We are tired and worn out...but wouldn't trade it for anything!! And boy, do I have pictures! Sooo many pictures, sooo little time!! My family has all left now (very sad when we all live so far apart!) and I have begun the "download" process! My computer's somewhat temperamental this morning... the 100 pictures to upload might have something to do with it!

I have many, many to show you...but these 3 here are the most important! They aren't the best photography, not the best lighting, the focus could be better...but by far the best moments in life!! One of the sweetest moments in my life...my child's desire for Christ!!

Dakota's baptism was yesterday morning (along with 10 other people!!) and what a wonderful time it was! Dakota wanted his Papa (my father) to stand with him in the water...it was a very tender moment!! How special it is to have family that will come from out of state to be here for this day!!

I have many wonderful thoughts bouncing around...trying to make some sense of them all. I will write more when I have some time to digest and sort them all out.

For now...I will leave you with these pictures. For they may never really need "my" words!!