First Kiss

I should be in bed...yes, its late, we've been very sick and I've had little sleep.

But, my heart is heavy tonight for Baby Stellan...http://mycharmingkids.blogspot.com/

I came to check Jen's blog once more to see if there were any new updates and found myself looking at this picture (of my own kids), decided to post it ...Dakota may kill me, probably not actually...he's in love with this little girl of ours!

As I lay my head...I feel so fortunate to have wonderfully healthy children and so burdened for this family tonight who sits minute by minute watching the heart monitors of their 5 month old baby...

Lord, be near...

good night.

Following Christ from a distance.

Ok, so this post will not be about Barabbas.
It is about Peter instead.

I'll tell you why...yesterday after I posted about this all making me uncomfortable, the story of the Cross and its violence, how it makes me unsettled...I went to my Chronological Bible (very helpful in this case in which all 4 Gospels are listed together! Whew!) and read all 4 accounts of the story.

Let me tell you what jumped off the page...

(this is when Jesus is on trial before the Crucifixion. It's when Peter is asked if he is with this man (Jesus)...Peter denies (3 times actually!!) that he even knows of this guy (ahem...he was one of the disciples...!!) and just as Jesus had said...the rooster crowed!)

Matthew 26:69
"Now Peter sat outside in the courtyard."...btw...Jesus is inside the high priests house, being questioned.

Mark 14:54
"But Peter followed Him at a distance, right into the courtyard of the high priest. And he (Peter) sat with the servants and warmed himself at the fire".

Luke 22:54-55
"...But Peter followed at a distance. Now when they had kindled a fire in the midst of the courtyard and sat down together (the servants), Peter sat among them..."

John 18:16
" Peter stood outside the door (of the high priests house)....the servants and officers who had made a fire of coals stood there, for it was cold, and they warmed themselves. And Peter stood with them and warmed himself."

As I thought about the line from the book that I listed yesterday..."There was something about the crucifixion that made every witness either step toward it or away from it.", I began to see myself in Peter. Oh not that someone has really ever asked me, "Are you with Him?"...but would my actions speak clearly of who I am with?

Isn't it true that actually what we may be doing is keeping one foot in both directions?
One facing the Cross...one away?
Haven't I just wanted to view the Easter Holiday from a distance?
Not wanting it to get too personal or uncomfortable?
Am I more concerned about keeping warm than defending my Savior?

Am I guilty of being Peter...I want to be a disciple on yesterdays terms, but now that Jesus is on trial and the circumstances are, well... tense and uncomfortable...I want to sit by the fire and stay where its warm?
How could I judge him when I could be rightfully accused of the same?
Didn't I just say yesterday that I have left it up to church events to help me celebrate Easter?
Enjoy some nice choir concert, a fun egg hunt to take the kids to, an excuse to buy a new dress?
Staying where its warmer.
At a distance.

Heaven forbid if I were to get a little chilly...or that I would have to witness the harsh beatings thrown at Jesus.

Would a rooster crow at me??
While seeing me at the grocery store?
After hearing the music I might be playing...and exposing my children to?
Are my words and thoughts comfortable to say if I was sitting next to Jesus in the trial...or would I have to walk outside by the fire, keeping warm to feel at ease with what I was saying?

And let me tell you...I would hate to have been Peter in this moment...Luke 22:61, Peter had just denied knowing Christ for the 3rd time, the rooster was crowing...meanwhile Jesus was being mocked and beaten inside the trial...He knew what Peter had just done and in Luke it says..."And the Lord turned and looked at Peter".
(My Bible says...Jesus' hearing in the "high priest's house" permitted Him a view of Peter standing in the courtyard).

Can you imagine how Peter's heart must have hit the floor when his eyes met Jesus' eyes.
Time froze.
Can you feel the intensity of what that stare must have been like?
Peter...Paralyzed, not able to breath, not able to look away, with all the world watching?
He just denied Christ...and He knew it!!
Talk about uncomfortable.
Awkward.
Suddenly cold.

It says that Peter went out and wept bitterly.
I went to bed last night, pulled the covers over my head and did the same.

Oh how thankful I am that the story didn't end there!
The Resurrection is still to come!
Forgiveness is still waiting...

Pulled over and in park!!

The truth about my lack of consistent postings is this: the book, No Wonder they call Him the Savior! I mentioned it in my last post.
If you want to prepare for the Easter season...the death and Resurrection of Jesus...this book is excellent!!

I've never really taken it upon myself to "prepare" for this holiday, pretty much just left that up to whatever was going on at church to get me "into the mood" of this Christian season!
Sad, isn't it? I'm embarrassed to say that this is true, and has been most every year of my life thus far!
Shouldn't it be that I take this season personally? I mean after all, this is not about bunny rabbits or eggs...Oh no, its about the most significant part of history and of our Christian faith!
Our Savior, our King.
My purpose, my eternity.
That's about as personal as I can imagine.

How can I truly celebrate the Resurrection, if I haven't taken the time to read the accounts that Matthew, Mark, Luke and John give us about what that was like?
And what do I know about the Resurrection if I haven't studied the Cross and the bloody death of Christ?

Frankly, this all makes me very uncomfortable! It doesn't give me warm and cozy feelings. Instead, it makes me nervous, anxious and fidgety. It's violent and heart wrenching.
I stood in the bookstore with a decision to make. A toss up between a much lighter subject...or this one! But somehow, for some reason...I chose this book, and I'm now thankful I did!

I say all this to give you a heads up...I'm gunna be talking about this for awhile (in future posts)!
I just can't seem to think about much else...and I believe this will change much of how we see our walk with the Lord!

I will share a few lines from this book...lines that grab my attention and like the pastor said during revival..."cause me to pull over and park" awhile!

Oh, the cross is nothing new to you.
You have seen it.
You have worn it (and decorated our homes with it).
You have thought about it.
You have read about it.
Maybe you have even prayed to it.
But do you know it?

A few chapters later:

A choice is demanded.
We can do what we want with the cross.
We can examine its history.
We can study its theology.
We can reflect upon its prophecies.
Yet the one thing we can't do is walk away in neutral.
No fence sitting is permitted.
The cross, in its absurd splendor, doesn't allow that.

There was something about the crucifixion that made every witness either step toward it or away from it.
Which are you?

Next time I will share with you about Barabbas! Maybe you know of him...I knew very little, but it has changed my thinking! But I can tell you this, you won't think of the Cross nor a life preserver the same way after meeting him!!


and btw...I read all my comments and love to hear from you. Thank you for those of you who are praying for my family during this difficult time...you are loved!

Final words. Final acts.

I started reading this book by Max Lucado. Love it. Its called No Wonder they call Him the Savior.
It is a book that reflects on the events of the crucifixion and the truth of the Cross.
I've only read the first 3 chapters. They are short, but I can't seem to just read the words and turn the page. The descriptions and thoughts are captivating, and beg for attention.

I almost didn't make it past Ch.1. As the events leading up to the death of Jesus are discussed, the point he makes is this: "Final words. Final acts. Each one is a window through which the cross can be better understood." And isn't it true? Why are the final words and maybe the final experiences that a dying person has so important? It is true...they give insight into the life and heart of that person. We hold on to those memories too. We may not remember a lot of the things our loved one had said over the years, but we can recite those last moments with no mistake!! I can certainly say this is true in my life.

As the accounts are given of the last moments of Christ, it paints a picture that I struggle to read. And the part that I must today stop and think about awhile is that through all the beatings and verbal attacks that Christ endured, He did not react with anger...and yet had every reason to be. He didn't try to get revenge and He never lashed back ugly words in defense (though knowing that their accusations were nothing but lies). Instead He responded out of love, out of understanding, and as Max Lucado states...like He realized that they too were victims.

I can't help but to see this echo back into my own life.
I am in a weird time in my life of final words and final acts. And there is a death of sorts that I am presently walking through.

Oh Lord, may I not be filled with anger, but may I be filled with a heart of understanding and love.

Again, my heart is heavy...as I look at my next several months, the weeks ahead that will close a big chapter in my life...these words sting...My final words. My final acts. Each one is a window (an open opportunity) through which the Cross can be better understood. Or not. There is a choice to be made.

Lord, give me strength to demonstrate your spirit and not defend my flesh!
May I be that open window...and not a shut door!

P.M.S.

I think I will take a moment and "self diagnose".
I've been icky.
No motivation.
Tired.
Sick.
Drained.
No energy.
Not eating much (mostly chocolate and junk food).
Drinking Coke's (something I never do!).
Can't make a decision.
etc....get the picture?

The spunk is gone and I feel deflated. The wind is gone from my sail...as my Granny says!
Today I decided that this is starting to drive my crazy. I must get this figured out and fixed...soon!

So my diagnosis?
No its not the P.M.S. that your thinking. Although, it might be having some influence on the chocolate cravings! Maybe.

I think I have the Post Marathon Slump, P.M.S.
Never heard of it?
Well that's because I made it up...actually only part of it (the P.M.S. name part! But isn't it cleaver?). It's a very known fact that many marathoners experience a slump...a period of very little motivation and energy after completing a marathon. The many months of rigorous training takes its tole and many runners find this time confusing. Do I rest, take some time off or start training for something else? Why am I un motivation, not able to concentrate, have the "lack of direction" feeling, and just down right feel weird in my own skin?

So...this is my self diagnosis.
P.M.S.
Even though I'm still running, and still enjoy every minute of it...the runs are leaving me tired and groggy. What is one to do?

I haven't gotten to the "self treatment" plan yet, but I'm working on it. Maybe time will fix this funk I'm in...and for my family's sake, I hope so.

But I can tell you one thing...coke's, sausage balls and junk food aint fixing it!! But, they sure are good for the time being!!

Pictures from the park

Remember the day that I took the kids to the park? The day that I wanted to remember their cute smiles and watch them play? Here are the photos:

Madelyn was not interested in playing as much as she was eating and pretending to talk on my cell phone!

Ramiro, Andre and Dakota had a great time! Therefore, I was barely able to get a still moment to get some pictures!

Andre...what's up with the pocket, kiddo? Who dressed you??

Oh well, at least I managed to not capture the bright yellow rain boots that was a perfect compliment to his outfit that day!

He later explained that rain boots are good to have just in case a rain cloud comes over us!! Hmmm...never mind the bright sunshine and clear blue skies!! But hey, always good to be prepared I suppose!!

The Lord gives us the desires of our hearts!!

As I had promised...I have cute pictures today! And oh how these two make me want to just sit for hours and bawl my eyes out! Dakota and Madelyn are 9+ years apart in age. I wasn't sure how this would all work with the age difference being so significant, but as you can see...its worked out perfectly!

Madelyn loves her Dakota! And Dakota has absolutely amazed me with his love for Madelyn!

As I look at these pictures, my mind jumps ahead...maybe 15-20 years. I know these two will always be very close...makes me want a big brother that is 9 years older too!!

"Working through"

I'm slacking on the pictures...I promise I will do better next week b/c I do have some cute ones to share!

I just wanted to write a few things. Today, I don't want to forget the strength of who sustains me. Though I would really prefer to not be where I am at this time in my life, I want to hold on to the fresh dose of unfailing love that I sense from the Lord.

I am somewhat "raw" today. My thoughts are simple and fairly scattered. I, however, have made a commitment to be present. To be available for my children and to myself during this storm. I have an uncanny ability to "check out" during prolonged periods of emotional stress. So much so that I have chunks of time that I have very little memory of. I had found it easier to temporarily shut down the emotions to allow for simple survival of the everyday tasks that need tending to. I've decided however that this really was not very mature, nor fair to my children, and certainly not a healthy way in which to go about living. I will not simply "survive" this experience. I have committed to "working through" this experience. I will allow myself to feel what needs felt, cry for what needs tears, and sort through what needs sorting.

This brings me to yesterday.

The first half of my day (yesterday) was extremely difficult and sad. Full of moments that I personally never wanted to see be a part of my life or my story. There was a "pause" in my life.

In the afternoon, I found myself standing at my kitchen sink, starring out the window. Starring at how the sun was shinning on my yard and how the cars that were driving past my house, all seemed to have something to do. It seemed odd b/c for me at that moment...time seemed to stand absolutely still and "pause". No movement. No breathing. No relief from the overwhelming sadness that had wrapped itself around my heart. A "pause" that felt little assurance that these feelings would pass.

As I stood there, I eventually became aware of my clock that hangs on my wall above the stove. It's been there for several years, usually only providing information on the time of day. But yesterday the clock ticked, and ticked, and ticked. So loudly that I had to wonder how I had never heard it before. I know my house is usually loud, but this was annoyingly loud! Tick! Tick! Tick! I began to smirk. And my demeanor soon changed. As I stood there listening to each second pass, I wondered if this was part of being present and living in the moment, literally in each second. Though I was sad (and had gone through half the tissue box in 10 minutes), overcome with disappointment and a great sense of loss, I could (literally) hear that time was still moving. Soon hope began to return, for with each ticking of the clock there was an assurance of a new minute and a new day, there is a wonderful promise that this too will pass. Healing would eventually replace the sadness with joy. I felt assured that I could stand to live in the moment, maybe even in the second b/c I could count on it not lasting forever!

All I could muster up to say to the Lord was this:
As each second turns into a minute, each minute becomes and hour, and soon then the day will be over...be near me Lord, for I do not want to simply survive this. I do not want to miss what you need me to learn. May the sadness be only for a time, but not overwhelm what you are doing in my life. Lord let your face be seen through my tears and your love be felt through the pain!

I later went and got the rest of the kids from school and took them all to the park. I wanted them to play and run. To laugh, giggle, and enjoy the experience of being young and carefree! I wanted to see their hair blowing in the wind and capture their smiles as part of this day. For children are great at living in the moment...

My "Valley of Beracah"

There is a lesson I think I will forever need to learn and relearn. It just doesn't stick. Maybe there is more than just this one lesson that will be like this, but for now...I know for sure, this is one that I will just have to go back to time and time again!

When there is a "battle" in your life, an upcoming issue you know might be challenging, maybe a short term confrontation or a longer term life change...what do you do? How do you prepare for it? Agonize? Stress? Not eat, or maybe eat alot? Pray for strength, right words, peace? Plan, plan, and plan some more?

Well what about PRAISE? Seems like that is something we should do after we see that God's hand was at work, or is that backwards?

This is the lesson I will have to relearn daily...Praise is the very thing we must do to prepare for a "battle" of whatever sorts! It is the weapon that we need to go into battle with!! However, I've always thought of it as something connected to the "victory" at the end!



2 Chronicles 20 gives us a perfect opportunity to see this at work...and maybe I've shared this before, actually I'm sure I have...but you know, every day is a new day for me!! It's about Jehoshaphat (I'm still trying to figure out what his mother was thinking with that kind of name??) and his battle against a vast army that was coming to take over Judah, where he (Jehoshaphat) was king!

Once he was told that this army was coming against him...he immediately went to the Lord and called the people of Judah to fast and seek help from the Lord. That part seems predictable, and certainly something we would consider fairly high on the "to do" list!

After prayer and some words that God gave Jahaziel to say to Jehoshaphat...the people of Judah and Jerusalem began to "worship before the Lord" and " praised the Lord, the God of Israel, with very loud voice"! The battle had not begun yet, but they were singing and praising God for who He was, is and was about to do! They believed and had faith that their God of Israel would be with them and deliver them from this enemy. And He did!

Something of note here...Jehoshaphat appointed people to "sing to the Lord and to praise Him for the splendor of His holiness" saying "Give thanks to the Lord, for his love endures forever" (song sound familiar?), these people were positioned in the front of the army as they headed to meet their enemy! What a picture that gives me of where PRAISE belongs in our life!! Out front, first thing and with a loud voice!

All the meanwhile, the Lord was stirring things up...the enemy became confused and ended up killing themselves and turning against their own army. When Jehoshaphat's army arrived...the battle was over! Done. Taken care of completely.

They were able to collect the "plunder" or articles of value that were left behind, and it took them days to collect it all! Their arms were full of blessings! It's amazing how God plans to bless us...it is a different thought for me, but it might be through the threat of a battle!

The people assembled there in this valley where they discovered that the Lord, as always, was true to His word...and they once again praised the Lord for His faithfulness! This valley was/is even today called the "Valley of Beracah", which means the "valley of praise"!

As I face the battles, maybe even just the threat of a battle...I know that satan wants to discourage, overwhelm and paralyze me. But, I know that the enemy will flee and run like craziness when he hears God's children singing with a loud voice...praising God for who He is, and what He's about to do! Praise is our weapon to fight the enemy with.

Every time I sing "Give thanks to the Lord, our God and king, His love endures forever...sing praise!"...I have promised myself to think of this "Valley of Beracah" that I'm in today and thank Him for teaching me (and re-teaching me) how to do as Jehoshaphat did! May my praise be first and be heard loudly...for He is good and forever He is faithful...even in the tough "battles" in life!