I prayed for miracles...

For some time I've been pondering a post for this blog. I've prayed over it, thought about it day and night, and talked myself in and out of it for some time now. I've started it, and then stopped it. I've wondered whether it was even necessary, or just a formality. And then there's the issue of "timing"...should I now, not now, sometime later, never? Should I just suggest it but not really say? I mean who's business is it anyways?

But the reality is...it's still on my mind and I've come to a few conclusions, and finally feel led to share them.

First, let me just say...and since most of you all know anyways...I've just recently gotten divorced.
It makes my heart race just spelling it out, but it is still a very new feeling (and I suspect it will be for some time) and at times just down right hard to think of. I still find myself saying "my husband" and then trying to awkwardly fix what I just said. This has been a difficult journey for many and unfortunately divorce comes with deep wounds that ache with sadness.

The deal about this blog and my divorce is this...I'm not really interested in explaining my marriage, its challenges, nor my divorce here. If you thought that I might be giving some juicy insight on "what went wrong"...you won't find it here. Sorry if your disappointed, I hope you know me better than that. Divorce is however, a very touchy subject in the church (not my church specifically, just in general) and I do want to take this post to share how I have experienced God in the midst of my divorce.

In doing so, I do not want to magnify my divorce.
Instead I want to magnify the One who is getting me through this divorce.
The difference is huge...I hope you see it!!

Growing up I thought of divorce as a sin. Maybe because I knew that the Bible says that God hates divorce. So, I therefore connected it to sin. And I can see that in some situations divorce may be a result of some sin. But I'm not sure that I would just make divorce as black and white as I once thought.

Divorce is complicated. It is painful. It tends to not bring out our "best" personality traits. ahem. It can cause bitterness and resentment. It is exhausting. It causes confusion in a household. Families are torn apart. Children have "adult issues" to process. It creates an environment of blame.

All these things the Lord hates. And so do I.
I understand first hand why the Lord hates divorce.
And the truth be told, I hate it too.

I might need to add that I know what the Bible says about divorce. I can almost quote it to you backwards (small dyslexic joke there!!). I have studied it, prayed over it and spoken with many different trained Christian counselors and pastors about it.

In the midst of my divorce, I want to share what I have walked away with...a new understanding of a Savior who Redeems. Who offers freedom. Who strengthens His children. A God who changes hearts and softens spirits (but not always for the one who we thought needed it)! One who speaks...and does so clearly. A Father who IS unfailing love.

I have prayed for miracles in my marriage for a long time. And frankly, I've been disappointed when I didn't see changes and things weren't improving. But as I sit here today, on a Tuesday afternoon...I see the miracles! Much to my surprise, miracles were occurring all along.

A life had begun to change.
A heart softened to God's way.
Mercy was found.
Forgiveness offered and taken.
Anger gone.
Miracles have occurred alright.
Oddly enough, the miracle was occurring within me!

It's not what I was praying for or had in mind...of course, I had prayed that I would make the changes necessary for my marriage and see where my weaknesses needed better tending to...but I wasn't really thinking that the "miracle" I was looking for was the transformation of my own heart.

The Lord has transformed a life and a relationship.
The life was mine...the relationship was with Him!


It has made all the difference this past year. It has gotten me through moments when I just couldn't handle the pain and fear. When I couldn't see around the corner but still had to make decisions about the future!

One verse that I have held on to for the past 12-18 months is this: John 8:32

"You will know the truth and the truth will set you free."

I have searched diligently for truth throughout this experience. I needed the "you will know the truth". I've asked God to show me truth in my circumstances and His truth for my life! And He did! He is truth and only truth. I began to see things I've never seen before. Feel things I've never felt before. And answers came that gave me assurance.

I became a student of the Bible (and hope to always be). I quickly became aware that I needed to learn how to clearly hear God's voice, and be very sure of His direction in my life...so I read books, listened to sermons online, memorized verses, etc. I have come out of that study with an incredible amount of truth! It will set you free!

This journey has taken a great deal of time, energy and emotion. My hands have ached from journaling and my heart has cried its deepest tears. I've realized things (about myself) that were hard to swallow and "truths" that I just didn't like...oh how I hate that! But the time and energy spent has grown my faith and given me a hope that I just couldn't trade for anything.

I'm not sure how to end this.

Suddenly I feel overwhelmed...did I communicate what God would have me say? I think so. I pray so.

I want to express to anyone reading this blog that God is always the answer. I've experienced heartache like I never dreamed, broken dreams and huge disappointments. Through it all...God was still the answer!

Yes, He hates divorce...but He loves us.

And so when you pray for miracles, don't be surprised when you turn out to be the one who He performs the miracles on!!

What Jesus touches, He always changes!

Blessings my dear friends, Jill

The sewing room is on the countdown!!

This is the final call for anyone who has a baby gift that they want one of these for...travel wipes cases (oh so cutely decorated!) &/or adorable burp cloths to match!

As most of ya'll realize...the kids and I are moving (back home) and I am needing to shut down this "production" room I have going here at my house!
So, hurry or it might be too late!

Wipes cases are between $10-15 and burp cloths are between $5-8. The prices are varied b/c of the monogramming option or applique letters...

for those who don't know the difference...the middle picture shows all monogramming...the top and bottom (Gators) pics are applique (using fabric!)!

Monogramming/applique can be put on the wipes case.

You can email me at: t_jill@bellsouth.net and we can coordinate what you want via email!

Thanks for the business over the past many years!! It keeps me sane and my creative self needs the break from "other" life issues!!


oh, and thanks Amy for taking these pictures...I just realized that I didn't ASK if I could copy them and post here...oops...bad PR, I know! Forgiveness??

Don't underestimate the danger of a ziplock bag!

This post is much different than my typical posts...today I'm giving a warning about ziplock bags! A simple gallon size ziplock bag sent chills up my spine today!

My #3 child, Andre...who is now home full time, was with me in the kitchen while I talked with a friend on the phone! Note...I was with him in the kitchen, but distracted and had my back turned to him...no big deal really, he is 4 (almost 5) after all! But, I heard a faint sound and turned to see that he had pulled the ziplock bag over his head and couldn't get it off b/c it was too tight (typical try the ring on...it goes on easy but will NOT come off kind of situation!!!)! Actually, I had to rip it myself to get it off! His mouth and nose were completely covered with plastic and he was trying to cry but couldn't get a breath to do so!

Oh how it sickened my stomach...I have many of times run out to the garage while leaving them inside, sent an email, blogged, etc. while my kids are awake. It wouldn't have taken long and Andre would have found himself in a seriously dangerous situation!

Mothers, Fathers, babysitters... watch those ziplock bags!! I've never really thought about them much...especially for a child that is so old but clearly curious!! All it takes is a few minutes...

I'm thankful tonight that my 4 children are all safe and healthy!!

And I'm especially thankful for Andre...my prince charming...tonight!!

Thank you Lord for your protection!!

the attempt at Easter photos

Here's some pictures of Easter...the kids had fun, enjoyed being dressed up and "catching eggs" as Ramiro has called it all weekend! Last time I checked the eggs weren't moving...

Madelyn was very excited about the Easter bunny leaving her a pink cell phone in her basket!!

This picture wouldn't win any awards...she's trying to show me her teeth...but I was trying to get a picture of the front of her dress! I found this dress for $1 before she was ever born...don't you know, Goodwill and I are tight friends! I monogrammed the top and thought it was too cute!! (It had light purple eyelet lace on the bottom)

Anyone who has several kids understands this issue..."stand still, hands out of pockets, nice smiles, stop kicking your brother, put your feet down, get a little closer to one another, don't push him however... oh come on guys, your killing me... just one good shot...STOP TOUCHING YOUR SISTER!"

As you may have noticed...Madelyn was over this Kodak moment!! Very.Done.

Still beating.

As I rested my head on my pillow last night, not really ready to sleep, but tired from the week...my thoughts about this blog, what will I post next, what will I say, should I say, Dakota's birthday, etc. ran through my head.

I'm exhausted. I'm doing what I know to do to keep going. But I'm fragile and plain worn out.

The good news...though my heart is bruised, it's still beating!

I want to share things that have/are getting me through. But I can't. Not now. The sadness is too deep and the wounds are too fresh. Actually, I've been sitting here trying to write these few lines now for 15+ minutes, I just can't find words. I can't connect them with feelings right now. And it tells me that I need to continue to "ponder these things in my heart" like it says about Mary in the Bible. Words will come more easily later.

So, I decided last night to not do my usual birthday post for Dakota's birthday that is on Easter Sunday. In the past (here's Ramiro's and Andre's and Baby Jaydan's), I've written about my child (whichever one was having the birthday), about their birth, funny moments, sweet moments and things that I love about who they are and why I'm totally in love with them...as well as adding my favorite pictures of them (that's usually a ton of downloading!). They've (the posts) been very time consuming and typically a fairly emotional time for me as I tell you their "story" thus far and share some of the most precious things in my life. For now, its too big of a task. The emotions of it all might do me in. I will attempt again at a later time, for I do want to share with you why this child has such a special place in my heart/life!

I will take lots of pictures, so I will probably be in a mode of "more pictures, less talking" for a while.

For today and tomorrow, I will celebrate the birthday of my first born...as well as a risen Savior! I still am blessed and have much to be thankful for! Not a minute has passed the last several days in which I have forgotten my blessings! Actually, I've named them one by one! And the good news is, it took me awhile...and I'm sure I forgot a few!!

He covers me there with His hand

In the past, I have posted several times a week...sometimes even every weekday. You may have noticed that I've not done so recently. And if you have noticed, you get an "A" for being observant!

This week is a weird week for me and tomorrow specifically, my life will take a drastic turn. If you know me...you understand what's going on, or can assume...and I ask for your prayers.

Deep inside I feel like a wreck but on the surface level, I think I'm managing ok. Weird dynamics to manage for sure! One minute I think "I'm gunna get through this, and do so gracefully" and then the next I'm fighting the uproar of tears that sends me into shakes. Oh, the drama!

For now, I'm trying to keep busy...planning for my first born's birthday on Easter Sunday specifically!

I will probably not post until later in the week, or maybe even the weekend...I'll attempt at my usual "birthday" post for Dakota. This one's a hard one for me to find words for! I'm not sure there is a language to adequately describe my relationship with Dakota, and what it was like to have a child (under my humble circumstances at that time 11 years ago) on Easter Sunday!

But for this week...I need time to sort, process, cry and do my own thing. I needed to feel free from the expectations of blogging about how I'm doing this week. I will eventually share more, if I can. Thank you in advance for praying for me and my children. I ask that you understand that we are all walking on unfamiliar territory and that emotions are raw. I may not respond to every email or return every call...but thank you for caring to do so anyways! I find myself unable to always have the energy to respond, but I do want to express my gratitude for those of you who are wanting to be of support. It doesn't go un-noticed, and I am very thankful!

Until then, the song in my heart has been:

"He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock
That shadows a dry, thirsty land;
He hideth my life with the depths of His love,
And covers me there with His hand,
And covers me there with His hand.
A wonderful Savior is Jesus my Lord,
He taketh my burden away;
He holdeth me up, and I shall not be moved,
He giveth me strength as my day."

This week, as moments of darkness come over my emotions, could it be that the darkness is merely a shadow of His hand over me? I'm in good hands!!

I got a revolution...whoop, whoop!

Having a girl is all new to me...everything from "doing hair" to her softer temperament. It's all very different from the boys...and though I absolutely adore my boys, I am totally beside myself with joy since having Madelyn (or Ma-la-lyn as Andre calls her!).

This morning I asked God for a fresh word from Him. Ever need that? Directionless. Somewhat apprehensive. Empty. Yes, that was me this morning. And sometimes I just find myself saying "you know, I just need a new dose...a fresh word from you...".

Kinda like Kirk Franklin's song "Revolution"...you know, the one that says "Do you need a revolution? whoop, whoop". Yeah, that's what I was singing!

As the day has gone on...I have continued writing down what is coming to mind...all while trying to manage the 2 little kids here around the house! It's alittle choppy...hope you can follow.

Here's the beginning of my "whoop, whoop" revolution...why are we so inclined to keep doing the same thing but yet expecting a different result? I know that is very Einstein-ish thinking...but don't you think we fall into ruts of doing that very thing?

I got thinking then about Is. 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland".

My thought went to our Sunday morning service a week or so ago...about casting our nets in the "deep waters". Those words "deep waters" has nagged me ever since. Jesus told the fishermen, who had been doing the same thing all night with no results, to cast their nets down on the other side of the boat...the deeper side. The deep waters...a complete change in direction, where the risk is always greater and the undercurrent is a force to be dealt with! It's not my favorite place, to say the least!

After half the day of pondering here's my conclusion: If deep waters are the path in which God takes your journey, do not fear. There is great assurance. Don't we serve a God who specializes in dry land? You bet we do! The Old Testament if full of examples of just that!! Our God parts waters!!

Is. 43:16 "This is what the Lord says-he who made a way through the sea, and a path through the mighty waters".

Something is springing up...I perceive it. I sense God doing a new thing in my life...far more than hair bows and playing dolls, although I'm having a blast with those too.

But as I fear the mighty waves in the deepest of waters, I know these waves are familiar with His voice!

And I'm still thinking about that olive branch in the mouth of the dove (from this post)...the assurance that God gives dry ground...I'm sensing a new thing!