This isn't supposed to rhyme or feel poetic

'Tis the season to be stressed, uptight, behind, agitated, cold, sick and crazy!
'Tis the season to explain 100 or so times how Santa visits houses with no chimney.
'Tis the season to "get over" a few things and go with Plan Z.

'Tis the season to know the cell number for your pharmacist, by heart.
'Tis the season to make 2 trips to the same store in one day because you forgot something on the list, the list you never made.
'Tis the season to NOT rely on your memory.

'Tis the season that once again gives birth to a schedule that's nearly impossible.
'Tis the season to promise that next year will be different.
'Tis the season which you remember you said that last year.

'Tis the season that crock pots are a gift from Heaven and coffee becomes an essential food group.
'Tis the season that you wished you had planned for financially, back in June.
'Tis the season to quickly discover "patience" as your middle name.

'Tis the season for finals and 15 page papers amongst ball games, banquets and parades.
'Tis the season for little white lies.
'Tis the season that 1 or 2 runs a week is the best one can hope for and will require a miracle of some sort.

But....
'Tis the season to celebrate the birth.
'Tis the season a babe saved the world.
'Tis the season to remember....
the Reason for the season.

happy thanks giving

*written on 11/25/10*

Wow, Thanksgiving morning! I love the holidays! I love the way the sun rises differently on this Thursday morning. I love how the breeze blows a fresh sense of excitement through the air and the holiday spirit fills our hearts like a thick fog! I'm dying to run this morning, I'm desperate to get outdoors so my mind can settle down.

As I opened my eyes this morning, pondering the thoughts of "thanksgiving", I've been reminded of a few things. I wanted to share them here.

Sometimes "happy thanks giving" is tough. There are times when those 3 words are simply exhausting. I am deeply aware of the families that are not going to find this day easy. Hope has grown legs and walked out the door. Love is a foreign language. Commitment is merely a word, not a verb. Jobs have ended. The bank account is starving. The stress loads are dumping quicker than anyone could possibly imagine digging out from under. I know many are adorning their smiling "plastic faces" today, while deep inside their hearts are curled up in the fetal position screaming in agony and pain.

I've been there too, on this day specifically. I know the gut-wrenching feeling when people would say "Happy Thanksgiving". It was incredibly confusing. I wasn't "happy", I was too numb for a feeling, let alone one of "thanks" and I was empty and had nothing to "give".

There is something about the human heart that allows us to identify and carry a burden for those who are walking down roads where our own feet have been. Its a heart condition that gives us the ability to feel a bit of their pain, simply because we have hurt in a very similar way.

So today I want to encourage you, to lift you up with the Word, and to remind those who are struggling with "Happy Thanksgiving":


"Rejoice in the Lord always,

I will say it again: Rejoice!

Let your gentleness be evident to all.

The Lord is near.

Do not be anxious about anything,

but in everything,

by prayer and petition,

with thanksgiving,

present your requests to God.

And the peace of God,

which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.....

for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.

I know what it is to be in need,

and I know what it is to have plenty.

I have learned the secret of being content

in any and every sitation,

whether well fed or hungry,

whether living in plenty or in want.

I can do everything through Him who gives my strength."


These verses remind me that I must act....reguardless of how I feel!
Our feelings are slow to respond sometimes, they may have stage fright. And that's ok! We don't live by how we feel, we live by the promises of God which are not subjective to how we feel right now, or in 2 hours from now!
So...Give thanks.
Its a verb.
Pray.
That's a verb too!
When you do, God promises to stand guard over your heart and your mind.
You will sense His presence,
for He is the peace that rises above all understanding.
You won't want to miss it!

Hello, my name is Jill.

Hello, my name is Jill.
Just in case you were still wondering, and the title wasn't clear!

I am a mother of 4 precious children and a stay home mom who just might remain a student indefinitely. I'm a runner, a Bama fan and the miserable owner of 3 vocal chord nodules that are quite possibly never going to recover after my boys' football season! I mean really, why is sitting in the stands and clapping for your son not an option for me? I've tried. It lasted 2 minutes and 25 seconds. And I'm not kidding.

Anyways, nice to meet you.

I thought I'd re-introduce myself as the creator of this blog! I've been MIA for over a month now and though I write blog posts in my head frequently, I've failed to actually share them here. I think about this blog every day. However as I work on my "50 things that HAVE to get done today", sitting here to write just doesn't rise to the top very often! I'd like to promise to do better. But Ramiro (yes, he's that little boy of mine that is now 7!!) has recently pointed out that making promises that I can't keep is not in his Bible. Thank you Pastor Ramiro for your Biblical insight!! So, I will NOT promise to do better....I'll just hope that I can and maybe Pastor Ramiro will find that sufficient! geesh, kids!

So, as of late......Ramiro is now thrilled to be 7 because he thinks he's closer to being "in charge", Andre is now 6 and thrilled to no longer hear Ramiro remind him that he's only 5! Andre said that was on his "EVERY last nerve"! haha I am also a year older now.....and we'll not worry about how old I am....I'll just say that I'm very sure it means I should be "in charge". I worry that its not actually a correct representation of reality at this house!! Dakota and Madelyn are both doing great as well!

The boys football teams have made it into the playoff's and we are so stinkin excited!! They have worked so hard and its awesome to see how they've grown as athletes since the first day of training camp! I "hope" to soon do a big post on Ramiro's season (scroll down a few posts for some of Dakota's highlights)....he's been amazing! You've never seen a kid so tiny take down kids 3x his size....and then jump up, pull up his pants/pads and run back in place for the next play....all before the other kid has gotten up off the ground! He's hysterical, that Ramiro! Go #42!!

As we wind down football, basketball practices have already started! Andre will be joining in this year....so having 3 boys now with practices/games should prove to be interesting! I'm just praying Ramiro and Andre don't body slam each other on the court like they do at home! I'm not over-exaggerating either!! Its a real possibility!

The weather is beautiful here and it makes for some great running! More on that later! Gotta get offa here now, I've just remembered that list of 50 things that HAVE to get done today!!
Love ya'll....its good to be back!!

Bye, my name is Jill.

one motley crew

I'm trying to make up for lost time on this blog...so here's some recent pics of the kids.

Madelyn now goes to a moms-morning-out program on Tuesday and Thursdays.

She was so excited to need a "pack-pack" and a "yunchbox".

This pic was from her first morning and I wish she looked more excited, ahem!

These 2 pic's were from the boys first day of school...
Maddie just likes to get in on the action too!
Off they were....Andre in K, Ramiro in 1st grade and Dakota in 7th grade.
(Ramiro's morning meds had not quite hit yet
so he was still off in his own little world,
Lord bless his teacher!)


As I look at these 4 kids I'm reminded of this past baseball season when
Dakota had a mishap with a baseball in the mouth.
As I raced home to drop off the little kids to my Dad and get to the ER
Dakota was quickly getting out of control from the pain and blood.

In moments like those one of the things that happens,
and it warms my heart,
is that the kids become very emotional
from seeing one of them hurting so badly.

By the time I got home, I had all 3 of the little kids squalling as well.
They fight like nobodies business,
don't get me wrong.....
but when push comes to shove,
these kids are tight!

My baby can RUN!!

Football. The south. Enough said.
And my boys are no exception, they love some football.
Except for one thing:

I'm not sure what they are feeding these boys down here,

but this first shot is just to show you what we're dealing with here in size.

So #92 back there....he's 11 (6th grade)!!

And my son, the big strapping brut #16 there in front, Dakota...he's 12 (7th grade).

It's enough to make this mother pace the sidelines,

holler like a wild woman and
be ready to jump the fence at any given moment

if her child is down for more than 2 seconds!

Never the less, Dakota is doing so well!

That's him there with the ball on the left.

And there.

And there.

First down baby!!

Way to run, 1*6*!!

And then, his biggest play of the season so far....

(#75 you'd better not even think about it....)

he's got the ball,

and he's got his work cut out for him,

50 yards away from the end zone....

hurry babe, hurry!

Run Kota, Run!

(about here I began to feel my vocal chords issue a warning:

please stop this abusive screaming! I ignore.)

Faster D, faster!!

Your not done yet, blue/white are all over you babe....

go Kota Man, run your heart out!!

He successfully "juked" those kids there....and was GONE BABY!!

(about here...his mother in the stands is loosing her ever lovin' mind, and her voice!)

TOUCHDOWN DAKOTA!!

Now that is a beautiful sight when your son had the ball!

Dakota was later thankful to find out that I decided NOT to jump the fence

and join in the "body bump" in the end zone. Just sayin'.

It was a close call.

Mom, I'll just sit here with you.

Yesterday evening we had a huge storm. The kind that you can see coming in, asses the look and size of the clouds and gather that its time to secure the patio furniture. Living in the cove, surrounded by mountains, means big wind storms! But the beauty of the mountains from every angle can't be more perfect, and so the wind storms are just par for the course I suppose.

The kids were all doing various things and I had come to a stopping point on my psych research paper outline (yes, the one I've daily complained about on Facebook!). I have been in a terrible funk lately (I'm still wanting to claim a reaction to Cipro for these psychological issues, but that's all I'm going to say about that!) and so as the storm was brewing outside I decided to take a break and go watch. It's a beautiful sight to see and I never want to pass up an opportunity to sit outside and enjoy the show. Plus, I felt something calling me to the back porch, something inviting me to come sit awhile. So I did.

I sat there taking it all in; the warm air, the roar of the wind over the trees, the thunder rolling like the tympani in the back of the orchestra, the sky painted with the darkest hues and the mountains wrapping its arms around it all. The birds were few, they all received the memo. The roads were quiet. And my hair (though now in big clumps of tightly weaved curls) blew freely in the wind. As I rested my head back against my chair the emotions of the past several weeks began to flood my heart. Though I don't have a specific thing that's happened, mentally things are not at peace. Just as the sky above me was covered in heavy dark clouds, so has my heart and soul been overcome by gray. I knew those clouds above and the roar of the thunder has been no stranger to me recently.

Slowly the back door opens and Andre steps out.

"Mom, why are you sitting out here in this?"

"Well, Andre, I just am"

"Well why?", he asked again.

I was battling a flood of tears as I tried to answer him. I lost the battle.

"Babe, Momma needs to watch those dark clouds right there....

.....I just need to see them blow over us and go away"

He seemed confused yet my tears and faint voice were unsettling to him I know. But all he said was "Oh, okay" and quietly went back inside.

I continued to sit there on the deck, knowing that there was incredible truth to what I just said. I wanted my heart to hear it too. I kept watching the clouds, they kept moving and the rain was becoming visible in the distance.

A few minutes later Andre opened the door again and what he did was so precious, hence why I'm sharing all this now. He walks over to another chair, scoots it over next to mine and as he crawls up in it he says, "Mom, I'll just sit here with you". He proceeds to stick his thumb in his mouth as he grabs my hand with his free hand. I melt.

"Andre, your such a good friend"

"I know", he says around the thumb.

And so there we sat, just my "prince charming" and I, watching the storm and not being afraid of the thunder. The rain eventually came and we hung out there as long as we could. Soon we were huddled together (now having moved closer to the door) with a blanket around us like a cocoon, but still watching.

He never said another word. Nor did I. We just quietly watched together.

As I came home this morning from my morning run (8 miles), Andre pops his thumb out of his mouth, gives me a hug and says with a great big smile, "I looked outside, its blue out there. I think the clouds are gone now."

And sure enough, they were.

As I ran this morning, jumping over the occasional tree limb and branch that hadn't faired well in the storm, I saw it too.

Blue sky's once again.

Matter of fact, I've never seen a blue this magnificent!

Extraordinary discoveries from the bathroom floor.

At 5:35 am this morning I jumped up from my bed and instantly had a bad feeling.

What time is it?

It was awfully bright outside therefore I quickly feared that I had overslept and missed my chance to run today! I haven't set an alarm clock in several years because I have an internal one that rings at 5:30 am, sharp (well most every morning!). But as I checked my phone my heart settled a bit...whew...I only overslept by 5 minutes! The run was still safely a go, so off I was. My morning baptism as usual.

As I was running I had one of those great euphoric experiences, you know the one's where you hear the Chariots of Fire anthem playing in the background as you gracefully and effortlessly cross the finish line and are wrapped in the American Flag as you wave to the hundred's of fans who came to watch the race! Face beaming in colors of red as you catch your breath from the 26.2 miles you just blew through and arms full of flowers from those who would love a picture and autograph! I saw the news headlines read "Single Mother of 4, runs first Olympic marathon and wins at 34!" And the news media waiting...

Oh wait, I forgot you're there and reading this.

I'm lost, where was I?

Yes, I was running this morning.

I'm back to the blog now.

So, while running/singing to MJ's "Just Beat It"...I got wondering about hidden talents. You know these prodigies that come out of no where with this incredible voice, skill, or mathematical genius at 50 who works at McDonalds, that leaves us scratching our heads. I found myself wondering if maybe I have a hidden talent or skill. Something that maybe I'm just not aware of yet. Something that's just waiting to be discovered, released and would make the madness in my life all make sense!

Maybe I could win a spelling bee...

"Dyslexic Mother of 4, spelling bee prodigy at 34".

Or maybe

"Deliriously desperate housewife discovers cure for cancer in her kitchen".

(that requires BEING in the kitchen...I quickly scratched that one!)

Or "Female, 5'2", becomes basketball star for WNBA."

Got the idea? The list could go on forever. Maybe we all have some incredible discovery in each of us that's just bustin' at the seams to get out!? Just maybe!

My last headline read,

"Mother of 4, runner, becomes famous ballerina. Performing now at the Kivov Ballet School in St. Petersburg, Russia."

I mean, really...who doesn't secretly wonder about striking this pose?

As I came home, now rockin' to Whitney's newish song "I didn't know my own strength", I felt renewed. Charged by the thought that maybe I was on the brink of discovering something extraordinary about myself.

I hustled the 2 little boys through breakfast, packed their lunches, kissed their cheeks, drove them to summer camp, and hurried back home to the other 2 kids.

As I walked into my bathroom, I threw my hands up for a great big stretch and a deep yawn before heading into the shower. Unfortunately, I lost my balance, tumbled and fell flat to the floor!

Yes, ballerina here landed on the bathroom floor from yawning and stretching at the same time! As I laid there for a minute, checking to see if anyone saw my graceful plunge, I began to laugh! And laugh. And laugh. Soon I was kicking my feet and squealing in hysteria! I began to cry funny tears!

The truth is, though life right now is really hectic, stressful and at times overwhelming....I'm happy! I like where I live, being in school, running and raising a tribe of crazy kids!

Come to think of it, I was on the brink of discovery!

The conclusions:

#1: I have no hidden talents that would require too-too's or leotards!

#2: The bathroom floor needed swiffering 2 weeks ago

#3: I should stick to running

#4: I'm thrilled with a simple headline that reads,

"Mother of 4: finds joy, happiness and balanced life!"

I don't need to be a prodigy. Nothing fancy or out of the norm is necessary for me. It's just good to be happy. To be able to laugh myself silly, even to tears on the bathroom floor and not care an iota about it!

A simple life is a good life...I'm not trading this for being a rock star any time soon!!

P.S.- Something gives me the feeling though that I'm in need of some progress on the "balanced" part of discovery #4! Googling Bosu balls now!!

Just Thankful.

I've got a secret. Lean in close so you can hear. I LOVE LIVING ON A FARM, IN THE COUNTRY!

And one more secret, I'll whisper this one...THIS IS THE BEST PLACE TO RAISE KIDS!

The kids get to see and do things that are priceless. I love that they are able to experience nature, animals, gardens, and dirt! Wide open spaces, mountains and pastures too!

Its been a year now since moving to the farm. I can't believe it, but its true!

Though the transition had it's moments of great sadness, this place has offered each of us a chance to process, regroup and rebuild! There's something magical about the country. Maybe its the slower pace, the excitement of feeding calves, or the freshly grown fruit/veggies from the back yard.

To say this place is a blessing for us is like saying the ocean is a little salty! Or oily, ahem.

We still have things in boxes, the kids rooms aren't really "decorated" yet and most all my walls are still bare...but none of that matters so much anymore. The smiles, the giggles, the kids running in open fields and chasing bunnies is what brings greater joy these days.

Tractors, hay balers and barns are a perfect backdrop for "growing up" little kids...it's really the best kept secret around!

On my run this morning I was reminded of all these things and the beauty of it all. I came home dripping in sweat but with a heart that was full! I'm just so thankful!

(and yes, I do have 4 kids...however I couldn't find one of Dakota that was related, not that this one of Ramiro is either, but who can resist that face!?)

Ramiro

For those of you who know me well, you understand what a day this was for me! Ramiro's kindergarten graduation!

It's hard to find words that fully explain how much I am head over heals in love with all my children. I love them all equally however each of them have a special significance that is different from the others.

Here and here are parts of Ramiro's story. It was rough from the get go...like almost from the moment of conception! But if there's any child who was determined at EVERYTHING, it was him. It pays to be a fighter, in this case!

All along there's been something in my head about Ramiro and Kindergarten...when he was 1 1/2 and things were not going well I got this idea in my head that Kindergarten was a huge benchmark for him/us. I stayed focused on that goal once I was told how far behind he was developmentally.

As I watched him graduate and hold his diploma, I felt incredibly thankful for the many wonderful doctors, therapists and teachers we've had these past several years! At this point, most people would have no idea what it's taken to get this far...Ramiro has no idea how blessed he really is! But I do!

I run because...

I run because

I need to forgive

and forget

because I remember

and need to let go again

I run because

I want to choose

and not react

because I want to understand

not just know

I run because

it focuses my vision

and repairs "near"sightedness

because it empties my head

so I can listen

I run because

my days are numbered

and I want them to count

because some things I run through

and others, I run around

I run because

I know how to train

and finish strong

because I have something to beat

and outrun in this race

I run because

I need the daily baptism, of sorts

and sweat does the body good

because everything seems better

at 6 in the morning

I run because

when the kids are gone

I need a reason to get out of bed

because when they're gone

its the only thing left...

that feels like me.

Fig leaf fashion.

This summer I'm taking an Old Testament literature class. Let me just say "I'm in LOVE"!

I'm having flash backs of being in Anderson University's Old Testament Faith for Living class back in 1994 (I think that was the year). Something happened while listening to Dr. Fred Shively that year that changed my thinking. I was never one to like history. Never was I excited over all the war talk in high school history classes. And for a dyslexic student like myself, all the numbers and dates had me frustrated and checked out!!

I had thumbed through the Old Testament a time or two before... it really gave me the same impression, lots of family names, geographical locations and dates. For a young girl who was really excited about her boyfriend at the time and what she was going to wear next, I was expecting this OT class to be a YAWN! I sat in the farthest row back that first Monday morning (at 8am)! It turned out to be the only day I sat back there! Something had me hooked. I moved to the front row, had perfect attendance and aced that Bible class!

Here we are again, some 16 years later (ouch)...no that boyfriend didn't turn out to be the "one" and I'm not near as worried about what I'm wearing these days, though I've recently looked in the mirror and feared that I've been here before with these leggings and all! But for me, the black and white pages of this book are once again in color! I still struggle with the numerical dates, the B.C.'s and numbers of chapters vs. verses...Genesis 1:23 and Genesis 23:1 are NOT in fact the same thing, sigh! Never the less, these narrative stories come to life as I read them and the way the Bible is deeply intertwined is amazing. There is no other book that perfectly projects thousands of years in the future! The Old and New Testaments are filled with events that have so much purpose and pictures with incredible meaning. I'm often fascinated by the use of words and the picture image they create. Though the OT was originally in Hebrew and the NT in Greek, the use of their languages and the meanings of those words in their cultures makes my heart race. I've had my heart rate checked out and it is not anxiety! Just saying.

The first of last week I was focused on fig leaves and finding Adam some decent clothing to cover himself with. Can you just see God saying "No, no Adam. That sin you and Eve just committed, ya well you will need much more than what that pathetic fig leaf your sporting there is covering! Dude, you need some CLOTHING now...your nakedness is atrocious and no fig leaf will be sufficient!" It's just funny to me to think of that moment. It's kinda like my kids thinking they can hide behind the curtains and not be found...just because their face is covered! Never mind the feet.

It must have spoken volumes about Adams understanding of what really had happened. God knew however. Yes, He knew that ultimately these (we) sinners were in need of the ultimate blood sacrifice, the perfect covering that made way for forgiveness and grace. But till then, He made way for atonement...just the covering! So there in the Garden, He killed the first animal in order to provide a covering for their nakedness that sin had exposed. I'm still chuckling over God handing Adam and Eve their new "duds". "Here ya'll, nice try with them there leaves you got...now how's abouts going behind those bushes over yonder, put these that I've made on and model some real clothes for us!!" Wouldn't you have just loved to be there for that?

But it got me thinking about the idea of clothing. How the fig leaves that Adam proposed were so insufficient (he was "male" after all and maybe just didn't have a sense of fashion), the animal skins God originally provided were only a temporary atonement for their situation, and then much later we find Christ coming! His garments offering forgiveness, not just a cover!

Romans 13:14

"...clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ"

Galatians 3:27

"...for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ"

When we put on His skins, we are washed and made new...we are cleansed and made whole!

Christ is a healer, not a band-aide!

We can throw away our silly attempts with fig leaves and humbly adorn the ultimate outfit, Christ!

That, to me, is good stuff!

The heart beat.

I wish I had time to write all that's going on. Life in general is hectic as you could imagine. The kids activities have been in full force, speeding at rates that make me feel like I need a "40 MPH" sign posted in my house! My own studies are at times more demanding than I feel I can cram into this head. I'm in information overload most of the time.

It's taking longer and longer to figure out what day it is when I wake up in the morning...and lately I quickly assume it's a school day when I awake to the sound of my Dad at the door wanting to drop off lunch boxes. It goes something like this, "Oh Dad hey, ya we are up (now), and ok yes, it's a school day? Ok, thanks, ya I'm fine (will be soon)". I then realize we are in a huge hurry and have no time to look for everyone's lost shoe or to worry about matching socks...if its white, its a go! The daily race against the clock begins as a sprint each morning and by the time the caffeine hits the bloodstream, I'm already buried deep in my Old Testament exegetical commentary, writing an essay of the Abrahamic Covenant. Wow, that was a long sentence! And suddenly I feel a long post...

All the meanwhile, Dakota is heavy on my heart. The girl friend thing is a rude awakening, for him as well as I. He's finding out that what I told him 2 years ago is still true...girls change their minds and for no other reason but to change their mind! He acted as if it was some profound statement I had just made and asked me where I learned the idea from.

"Um, duh...I'm. a. girl. Dakota!!"

"Oh ya, right. I guess you are."

Recently he was at the dentist and was allowed to pick something out of the treasure box in their office...which is totally funny to me at the age of 12!! He thumbed through the toys and found a really cute hemp type bracelet. He decided on the red beaded one and later told me it was for his "girlfriend". Wha? You got that bracelet to give to your "friend that's a girl" (as I prefer)? I mean really...if the bracelet came from the toys in a treasure box that you dug through at the dentist, are we ready to be calling her a "girlfriend"? Anyways, I'll not continue my mental anguish over that subject here on this blog. So 3 days later (this would be a total of 5 days after they started "going out", but who's counting), Dakota felt ready to give the gift to his first ever girlfriend. He hid it in his jean pocket and asked my thoughts that morning on appropriate timing for the gift exchange. We discussed some ideas and I wished him good luck, he was nervous. And so was I. I know a few things about girls...after all.

All the way home my mind was racing:

THAT girl had better be gracious! She had better thank him and appreciate that he thought of her! I mean he COULD have gotten a green army man, or a bouncy ball, or a key chain for himself! But he didn't! He thought of her and was willing to face the awkwardness of giving it to her! And to do so knowing that the other kids might make fun of him! She had better wear it IMMEDIATELY and show ALL her friends! And if I catch wind of her being....

I eventually regrouped and stopped the mental bashing of this poor 12 year old girl that I didn't even know. Maybe she would recognize his thoughtfulness. Maybe she would thank him and be very sweet about it.

I picked him up that afternoon anxiously anticipating the 411. Immediately his face gave all indications that something didn't go well.

"um, Dakota...is everything ok"

"no"

"oh gosh, I'm so sorry, so do you want to talk now?"

"I guess"

"ummmm, okkkkk, soooo....did you give her the bracelet?"

"no"

"well, honey, why not?"

" she broke up with me!"

"She did WHAT?"

"Ya Mom, she sent her squad of friends over to my lunch table to tell me that she wanted to break up"

"Well, did the SQUAD happen to mention why?"

"yes, they said that she said that I wasn't spending enough time with her"

"Enough time with her?? Heck, ya'll are in 4 of 7 classes together...and your in the 6th grade for crying out loud, trying to get an education!"

(I looked over to find tears rolling down his face and his lip quivering)

"Dakota, babe, I'm so sorry...girls are really tough at this age, well, at any age really...actually, they are just no good, no good at all. Maybe you should just forget about them all together and just love on your Momma the rest of your life and ...."

No just kidding, I didn't say all of that last line. Just most of it.

Dakota had experienced his first rejection, and he was heart broken!

And so was I.

It was a long night and we both had shirts soaked with tears of disappointment.

We talked about it for several days and eventually laughed about ways to get revenge (not really, just to lighten the mood).

That very same week, Dakota had his first ever baseball game! We were pumped and we each gave him a few words of encouragement as we drove to the game...

Me: "Dakota, keep focused, do what you know to do, be of good character son, and have fun"

Andre: "Kota, um, hit hard"

Madelyn: (she went blank under the pressure)

Ramiro: "Dakota. Win."

The other team was at bat first, so that put Dakota's team out in field. I watched every step my child took out of the dug out...and sure enough he stopped at the pitchers mound! My heart sunk and I felt the need to begin my normal back and forth rocking motion, its how I keep calm. Long story short... he did well. But it was tough! This team was awesome and our team is...well let me get back to my point here! They lost 11-0. Dakota batted great and really did well for his first ever baseball game! He held up under the pressure and I was proud of him.

HE, on the other hand...was devastated! He got in the car and sobbed all the way home! He felt like he had lost the game for his team and nothing I said seemed to help AT ALL!

He was heart broken!

And so was I.

It was another long night.

And once again we shared tears of disappointment.

****************************************************************

That week, while out on my runs, my mind kept going back almost 13 years ago. To a little clinic in Indiana where I had just done a pregnancy test and was having my first ever ultrasound. It was a moment I will never forget. The nurse, myself and a tiny beating heart on a screen...just the 3 of us, we knew something no one else did. As I sat there in complete shock and disbelief, I remember hearing the swoosh of each beat and watching each chamber expand and contract. Time stood still as I tried to make sense of that moment.

A few days afterwards I wrote in my journal, I wanted to share it. I have it posted in his baby scrap book next to the ultrasound picture.

"I've just seen your heart beat, what an amazing thing. A heart that is pumping and using my blood to create your own. Baby, take what you need from me to be healthy. The heart I heard was the heart that will be pounding when you are born in April. The same heart beat I will feel when I hold you close to me at night. The same heart that will beat wildly when you first go to school. Your fear and anxiety will cause that same beat I heard to race. It will be the same beating heart that pumps when you are playing and moving about. But it will also be the heart that loves and breaks. Baby, I will help you learn to love and be here when you have the heart breaks. I do not know how to be your Mother, I am scared, but please be patient...we will learn this together! I love you, Mom"

I haven't been able to get that beating heart off my mind lately. I hear it in the shower. I see it in my textbooks. It follows me on my runs. I sense it in most every moment.

The truth is...what happens to my children, happens to me.

What I didn't know almost 13 years ago?

When that precious heart would be hurt...there would be 2 hearts to tend to, not one!

Just a quick note

Geesh, its been forever since I've posted here! So much has been going on...the kids school programs and events, Dakota's baseball schedule/practices, sign ups for summer sports and camps, as well as my own crazy school schedule! Seems like most every night we are off to play sports, watch sports, sign up for sports, etc. This week is the last full week of school (I'm about to break out into my ugly cry just typing it!) and so this week is no exception to the crazy schedules!

I've been writing a post in my head while running lately and I've been processing it since before Mothers Day. It's about my precious first born...my relationship with him and how recently everything seems to be happening so fast. My heart has been so burdened for him lately. Growing up is tough these days, and mothering those that are growing up is even tougher! Being a Mom is something I'm still molding into...the balance is weird. One minute they are completely dependent on you, the next you hear "Mom, its ok, I've got this". I've been increasingly aware of how vulnerable being a Mother feels! I felt it a lot when the babies were all first born...but then you get used to that role and move on. Now we are entering a new stage...puberty, sports, girls, movies/music/video games, friends, boys locker room drama, etc. I'm sorta missing the days when Dakota wanted to watch Elmocize for the 15th time that day!

Anyways, I will be back here soon with this post and some pics from recent times!

A year of progress and growth.

When my sitter showed up yesterday (bless her!) I quickly asked her how she was, hugged the little kids and then bolted out the door. I needed to run. Not walk, not warm up, not slowly get into a rhythm...I needed to be running.

Anyone who runs knows that there are those days when it takes a mile or so to get "into" the run. To get rid of the funk and get into what I like to describe as "my cyclical mode"; the pace of one foot in front of the other, the motion of the arms in sync with the legs, the lungs in peaceful cooperation as it inhales/exhales. Often I explain the feeling of running as the steady and rhythmic motion of a train. The gears and wheels become circles of motion that are in harmony together. Running (most days) feels like that to me, but it can take awhile to get into that groove. Yesterday was unusual, it was a day that doesn't happen often. A day that the harmony, the cyclical mode, began with the first shoe strike on the pavement. It almost makes me giddy now to think of it!

I have been running a 6.6 mile route recently that has a 1/2- 3/4 mile section that is STRAIGHT UP HILL! And yes, I mean some serious incline! I usually run the entire section, but by run I mean at times it is a very very slow jog. It is the longest section of the route and at times I have thought I would never get to the top. Well yesterday I began to see some significant progress. Not only did I keep my normal flat terrain pace, I wasn't huffing and puffing for air plus my legs weren't burning from muscle fatigue! I almost felt as if I had run through the mountain and not up it!

As I was finishing the last mile (an hour later), impressed by how easy the run felt...I got thinking about strength and endurance. About growth. About time. Consistency. Perseverance. Mountains and valleys. Trials. Pain. Sweat. April 2009.

This time last year, most days felt like my first several attempts up this street, shear torture. Most days felt like I would never make it to the top. They were full of pain and fatigue. But now, a year later...those days are few and far between. Like yesterdays run, I now see significant progress. Time is doing its work. Consistency is paying off. Strength is giving way to endurance (or maybe its the other way around) and I see the growth. These days I almost always sleep well, the deep sadness only pops in briefly, there's laughter and joy in my house again and I see a new normal finding its way with us.

I'm incredibly proud of my children. They have weathered some tough storms. They have had many transitions to make and emotions to process. But they've done so well and I just can't think of a better bunch of kids! I told Dakota so last night. I felt he needed to hear what an awesome job he's done this year and how proud I am of him.

I would love for "life" to feel as easy and harmonious as my runs. Like an engine that can maintain its speed, composure and strength in all circumstances. It's a bit unrealistic I suppose. Life has it's mountains and valleys and at times there is nothing easy about it. Sometimes its just flat out brutal. But I'm thankful today for the times when progress can be felt and the days are almost always easier. Oddly, I'm also feeling a deep kinship to the verse in James 1:2 that says "consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds." More on that later...

Take me out OF the ball game...

First week of baseball:

Madelyn vs. bleachers.

It didn't go as she had planned.

However she wanted to watch her "budder" play ball, so she did!

But of course, with a dose of Maddie drama.

Dakota vs. baseball.

It didn't go as he had planned either.

You might find it interesting to know,

the glove was in front of his face

at the time in which this happened.

We are still scratching our heads.

Dunno.!?&$?

What I do know is this:

-I've worried about this moment all his life. I've played it through my mind a million times. My child hurt out on the field, me in the stands. And I would like to report that I DID NOT go running out onto field until I was motioned to come.

Um yes, Thank you.

-I have never seen my son in so much pain before. And I never want to again. But, somehow I feel silly to even speak/write those words...he's still contemplating whether he will play for Alabama or Florida. I fear this is just the beginning. *sigh*

-I'm now afraid of the ball. He is not.

-I have PTSD. He does not.

-I'm nervous about him pitching, hitting, catching, running, sliding or sitting in the dug out.

He isn't nervous.

-I'm not sure the swelling and pain in my heart has gone down yet.

He's getting better by the day.

-I'm ready for the season to end (it just started). He wishes it would last forever!

-Dakota has been ready for sports going on 12 years now.

Mom still isn't ready.

"Maddie honey, can Mommie please have the ice pack, please? Her head is spinning."

OCD. Nope not me. I'm cured.

There was a day (yesterday)

when this would have thrown me over the edge!

Actually, I would have just jumped.

I worked hard to list all my assignments for the week

and then to designate days for each to be done.

What any good and conscientious student would do, of course.

But instead of jumping...I'm sitting calmly, not hollering or scolding anyone.

I'm proud, this is progress in my world.

Am I disappointed that I let Miss Madelyn sit at my desk? Yes.

But will I re-write it? No.

(though I considered it for 32 seconds,

and I will cringe as I mark each box...

and speaking of boxes,

ya'll hush over my boxes,

leave them alone!

You just don't understand how hard it is to live in this head!)

Anyways, where was I?

Oh yes, perfectionism...

I don't have time for perfection anymore,

It's been traded for "it will do".

* feeling faint, I need a cold rag and the couch*

I just wanted to applaud myself for progress,

though small it may seem to some.

I like things to be a little on. the. organized. side.

I like my papers unfolded and nicely stacked.

I love color coding and label makers.

Oh, the list could go on and on...

but I think I'll stop with those 4,

I love round even numbers after all!

So the destruction to my check list was an opportunity to practice something new.

A moment when I could have chosen to flip.

Instead I am choosing calm.

And actually it feels good, I think I'm cured!

Ok, well I must get off here now,

the boys will be here soon enough and

I need to get my highlighters organized...

in rainbow order!

And I love Budders (brothers)

Community baths:
It's not a thing that usually happens around here, the kids are starting to get a bit big for the community bathing experience! Questions arise that I have no real appropriate answers for, so I opt for the more controlled, one at a time, in and out showers for the little kids.

However, this particular night we had just made it back from Atlanta where the kid transfer happened...from Dad to Mom. After hours of highway driving, I was in the mood for maximum results with the least amount of effort. They were in the mood for fun!(the suction shower mat makes for an artistic backdrop eh? excuse that.)

These 2 pictures of Madelyn are for my sisters' benefit...no the sports-vest jacket wasn't part of the original ensemble for the princess dress, but when you have a girlie-girl who lives with a bunch of brothers...this is what you get!

That night after the bath pictures, I tucked Maddie into her bed, did our usual " I love you this much, this big and this high" and "I love you more, no me more, no me the most-est" etc. As Maddie rolled over to snuggle her life size horse and lovie, she says from behind her passy, "and I love budders". I could have just eaten her right then and there!

It's good to have all my children back home and to feel the love and laughter as it fills the air!

I will run.

Today.

Well, its a weird kinda day. It's supposed to be a happy day, a day of celebration.

It's not exactly.

Instead, its a day that stings.

It's a day that reminds me of what "isn't".

8 years ago today, I got married.

But yet in 2 weeks from today, I will have been divorced now for 1 year.

I'm finding my philosophy assignment of writing on the Socrates quote "The unexamined life is not worth living", almost impossible. But it's due tonight regardless.

I can't think today.

All I can do is feel.

So I will do what I know works- I will run today.

Because it is through running that I've learned to let go and keep going.

These next few weeks, as the 1 year mark approaches,

I will run...

through the sadness,

through the emotions,

through the confusion of high's and low's.

For this I know for sure...

When I feel broken, running makes me feel less broken.

When I'm exhausted from sadness, running gives me new energy.

When I'm confused, running allows me to straighten out what really does matter.

When I'm overwhelmed, running keeps me focused on the small steps.

I love what Kristin Armstrong (Lance Armstrong's ex-wife, who is a runner) said recently,

"I don't run away from things anymore, mind you, I run through them."

Running through the hidden treasures in my back yard

This week the kids have been in Florida visiting their father. I find myself on an unusual road when they are gone, a journey of emotions that are up and down with twists and turns. When the kids are home, I'm begging for peace and quiet. Yet oddly when they are gone, I struggle to know just what to do with the peace and quiet.

I decided to go running this morning on our mountain behind the cow pastures (and by "our" I really mean my parents!).

Though we go up there from time to time, usually its not by foot and never have I run it. I brought my 100 lb. Weimaraner, Brody...as my "Brody Guard". I am such a wimp and don't particularly like being out there alone. Brody is the best thing ever, though he is a hunting dog and most certainly wants to kill something, he stays close and takes every opportunity to snuggle next to my face!

I also took my camera because I had a hunch I'd wish I had it... I was right!


I took a ton of pictures, but here's a few that show what is perfectly tucked away in the mountains of my own back yard (again, "my own" is like the "our" mentioned above, ha).

I ran in the grassy hay fields...

I ran through the barren trees and climbed the rocks...I pretended to be a gymnast again on fallen trees...

I ran up hill, up hill and up hill...

I ran on pine trails and rocky streams...I jumped over cow um, well, you know #2...

following my Brody Guard every step of the way, he seems to intuitively know the best way up, so I followed quickly behind him...

I peeked down on a few sun bathing cows...and made a few horses nervous...I counted deer footprints in the mud and made some of my own.

I listened to the sound of the woods...and later cranked my tunes on my ipod...I took in the smells and felt the cool breeze...but mostly...

I ran and ran and ran...

and sang and cried and laughed...

and ran some more!

This is God's country, I tell ya... it's the best place to sing out loud, cry tears you can't let go of anywhere else, and play like you were a little girl again!

I had one of the best mornings I've had in a long time...my legs felt great and my spirit is renewed!

And I have one very tired dog now laying at my feet...its gunna be a good day!

**added this afternoon**

Brody and I also have a few too many ticks to prove we've "been there, done that"! ack!!

Lessons from the burning hayfield.

Yesterday the hayfield received its yearly burning

(yes, the same hayfield I live on, yikes!)

It was fascinating and yet oddly moving.

Fire is captivating. It demands attention.

It's powerful stuff.

As my Dad was telling me about what was supposed to be happening and

why this fire was a good thing,

something started to move inside me.

Something that still has me quiet today.

The more my Dad explained, the more I began to wonder.

The more I wondered, the more I stirred.

The more I stirred, the more I needed to listen.

Come to find out, fire isn't all about destruction.

It's also about neutralizing.

It's also about purifying.

It's also about timing.

It's about a better harvest.

The un-cut grass (if not burned) can affect the growth this next summer.

It can smother, causing a lack of sunlight to permeate the ground.

It will keep the soil insulated (too cold) and delay new growth.

The winter growth will also tie up nutrients in the soil.

Once burned, the nutrients are on the

soil surface and available for the roots to use.

Burning the hayfield lessens the winter weed growth and helps to control the insects.

Ironically, the ash also supplies nutrients to the soil which

encourages a better growth for the summer.

But timing of the fire is important, for if done too early, the weeds and insects will

still find their way back before the spring.

The first hay growth/cutting after a burn usually results in very clean hay.

And this would be the goal.

So as I looked at the blackened grass this morning,

still captivated by the process,

I began to feel differently about what feels charred on the surface of my life.

There is something valuable happening below,

deep in the soil of my heart.

It's not all about destruction.

It's also about purifying.

Healthier soil.

Less weeds.

New growth.

And it gave me hope for that day!