Part One of “the res” trip….

One day we all climbed into what was supposed to be a jeep, but when you’ve added to the population at the rate in which I have, well…you need something more like a suburban jacked up on big wheels. So we climbed into the jeep-ish suburban and off we went through a part of the Navajo Indian Reservation that is in Canyon de Chelly (pronounced “de shay”). I honestly can’t adequately describe the experience of being at the bottom of a canyon, nor can I fully explain how your head feels when you’ve driven through the washed out sand roads for several hours. But one thing I know for sure, you can bank on never being the same….literally in every way.

I’m not sure if it was the intensity of the blue sky, the crystal clear air, the enormous rocks, the 2 previous concussions, or all of the above;

however, how do you fully describe this:

How do you say THIS high?

…Or THIS deep?

…Or THIS wide?

What we experienced there was incredible! The pictures can never do it justice because a lens can’t capture the enormous open sky. A camera can’t quite communicate the same sense of “awe” as being there in person. Matter of fact, it is SSOOOO BIG and SSOOOOOO HIGH that I had to back WAY up! I couldn’t get anywhere close to the edge! It’s probably the repercussions of having MY last name for the better part of 36 years, but holy cow fear of heights batman! If I said “boys… back up, be careful, stand still, quit climbing the rails, hold someone’s hand, Dad watch Ramiro….” once, I said it a million times! Ugh, it was painful. For everyone!

Anyways…..I have begun to put together some other pictures and things that were significant to me while in the desert…..hopefully I’ll get them all posted soon!

Bitter sweet transitions.

I really am working on a post (or two, or three) of our trip last week to New Mexico and Arizona. It was incredible and I have amazing pictures to share. But being true to my metaphorical nature, I have something to say about so much of it and I need more time to get the right words connected to my thoughts.

Till then…I just got back from a 16 mile run and right now the trees here on the farm are incredible. It honestly makes 16 miles entertaining, if you can believe that. As I came upon this tree my mind started doing it’s thing, going a mile a minute- that would be my mind, not my legs, just for the record! As I stopped to take in the beauty of it all, I got thinking about seasons, and my left hip flexor actually. And all at the same time. I digress. Anyhow, I love this time of year; the change of colors, the anticipation, the fresh sounds, the switch from one thing to another, the transition. Fall will never get old to me and after living in parts of the country that don’t have this season, I do not take this for granted. It makes me thankful to be a runner!

What strikes me about this tree specifically is the perfect depiction of the past and the future all together as one. It’s in transition; partly summer, partly winter. It’s moving from one stage to another, some leaves more quickly than others. It has a foot still in yesterday and a hand in tomorrow.

So do I.

It wasn’t long ago my oldest son and I took our first breath together, he learned to ride a bike, and dreamed of playing football. We talked about Rescue Hero’s (remember those guys with biceps that were bigger than its head?), Elmo, and the fact that cowboy boots, shorts and a halter top were not a good choice for the fashion conscious (in December). Now we are walking together across a football field (he in full pads, me beside him) at his last middle school football game, researching airsoft guns, and spending hours and hours and hours at basketball practices. Elmocize has now been replaced with conversations about wise character choices, consequences of “guilty by association”, and um….g.i.r.l.s. (helpmeJesus!!).

There’s still an innocence of yesterday but the desire for freedom for tomorrow.

It’s a transition. A season of partly child, partly teen. And some parts are changing more quickly than others; therefore, as I stood staring at this tree, I thought “me too!”. The tree, and I, are still trying to hide and protect the young innocence close to our trunk, and yet keenly aware of the process of maturing happening around the edges.

It’s bitter sweet. Season’s always are. I still adore the Dakota of yesterday. I’m incredibly proud of the Dakota of today. I know I will be amazed at the Dakota of tomorrow.

Land of Popcorn

Much of my grad school focus so far has been on trauma and grief therapy for children. It’s a bit daunting. I cry a lot; I feel overwhelmed with the statistics and wish this work onto someone else who doesn’t have the tender heart that I have. However, one aspect of working with children that is fascinating is how they see the world. Adults so often take for granted that our cognitive minds allow us to see things in a much different way than children (who are very concrete and have limited past history in which to put things in perspective). It is amazing how they fill in the blanks when their brain can’t figure something out just yet. This issue is incredibly significant when working with children because as they draw, re-enact, or recreate a story….we are often times dealing with their perceived reality (not that the “reality” is any better!). Even if their understanding is somewhat skewed from how it actually happened, it IS their experience and that is what becomes real to them….and sadly enough its traumatic either way!

Recently we had run out of popcorn and I had told the kids they would just have to wait until I went to the store the next time. Of course I NEVER promise a date on that deal…they don’t so much understand “I got busy”!

Madelyn says, “Well we can just go down and get some off the bushes.”

I’m sorry what my dear?

“Oh ya Mom the bushes are full of popcorn!”

I stood there for a minute…

scratching my head…

But then it clicked, and as the laughing turned to funny tears…

I got thinking, wouldn’t it be great to see the world as they do?

All along I was seeing a field of cotton, she was seeing a field of popcorn!

Oh child, give me your eye’s for just one minute…..I wonder how different it would all seem!

I like Maddie’s version better!

Start ‘em young!

I had my windows open yesterday and overheard this conversation in my front yard:

“Madelyn, if you learn to be on special teams now, you can get a college scholarship and make money!”

Oh? I thought. I went to the window to peek out and this was the scene:

Ramiro was punting and teaching Madelyn how to catch and return the punts. It’s all about special teams ba-by!!

(She would be the one in the pink jammies on the left about to catch the football!)

There was something precious about that moment!

I love the seed Ramiro was planting in her, and gender was not a factor! And I love the fact that he’s forecasting a college scholarship and making money! Right on kiddo!!

 

If these roads could speak.

What would they say? Oh, these roads. If only they could speak.

Would they tell you that I’m faithful? Would they tell you that some days are good, some days not so good?

Would they mention that they’ve seen it all? Day after day, stops and starts, beginnings and ends, ups and downs.

Would they tell you that though I’ve come soooo far, I still have far to go?

If these old roads could speak, I wonder….would they tell you that I’m stubborn and will not give up?

Would they mention that I often get it wrong? I do when I shouldn’t, and don’t when I should?

Would they tell you that the red face isn’t always heat, it’s often the process of letting go?

And yet if these roads could talk, would tell you that I run through Weeping Willows with my arms outstretched like a plane

because its fun to pretend your flying? Even when others are watching.

Would they mention that I laugh out loud, pray out loud, and sing out loud- just because I can?

Would they tell you that I’m just a kid who still wants to play and this feels like “fun”?

I know they would tell you that I see the weirdest things. That often the unexpected is just so funny!

I know they would mention for some reason I talk to the cows, like I do my dog. And they don’t respond the same!

I know these roads would tell you…

 

that I didn’t intend….

to start…

a neighborhood canine exercising service!

But I have. accidentally.

I’m afraid these roads could have a lot to say!

The broken places.

I love that God speaks to me in the most unusual ways. I love how He uses my vision to minister to my heart.

I love that when I walked up to my Granny’s garage/driveway, I saw this:

 

….but I heard this: “Jill, I have called you to bloom in the cracks of life.”

I’ve got to be honest, my first reaction was “Well thankyouGod….seriously, can I just be in the flower beds with all the other pretty flowers?” It’s true. I’m not proud of my attitude, but I am thankful that He speaks to me through the simplest of things. Even if I don’t particularly like the message!

I’ve thought about this picture constantly since that day. I’ve thought about how difficult life can be. How pain can scar lives. How brokenness can feel so deep that hope drowns.

When I took this picture with my cell phone, I saved it as my wallpaper. That flower (blooming right there in that specific but most unlikely place) made so much sense to me!

It was a perfectly simple message of how I see God molding my purpose…to bring hope and healing THROUGH the cracked and broken places!

*Thank you God for the simple ways in which you speak!*

 

As for me and my house….

rolling pins will not be considered kitchen utensils!

quarter mile repeats x16

Commitment= running your scheduled 4 mile run on the quarter mile stretch of road in front of your house. That’s a lot of repeats, lets just say. You may call it insane; I call it commitment. It certainly wasn’t my ideal running route that’s for sure, but when your child care gets tricky, you do what you’ve got to do to get it done. And then you thank your training schedule for not assigning that day an 11 mile run!



While the neighbors wondered about my mental health as I ran back and forth, back and forth, back and forth; I got thinking about excuses versus obstacles. Over the years I have run through some crazy stuff….fevers/flu, rain and lightening storms, hurricanes, killer heat waves, pushing a baby (or two, or three) in joggers for 18 miles, etc. and while some of these things were probably not deemed “a good idea” by most everyone else, I got through them. barely. But the point is this: we can let something be an excuse or we can see it as an obstacle that only needs to be overcome. The choice is ours and the difference is a matter of our commitment, or lack there of. While I certainly don’t recommend running 10 miles with a 101 fever (I may or may not have done so this past week); there are times when we must change our plans and yet the difference is we “reschedule” not “cancel” the run.

I frequently have people ask me about how I manage all this. And the truth is, I probably don’t always manage it all very well. But I know one thing for sure…..I manage life better when I’m consistently running! I don’t always have to be training for a race, but I need to run. It is the place that God restores my confidence. It is the place where the mental fog lifts. And it is often the one and only thing I can count on to get me out of a funk! I know that for me the magic of running is found in my commitment to running.



As I finished the 4 miles yesterday and turned back to look at the road one more time, I felt better about some words that have stung….that maybe I have a “commitment-phobia”.

I smirked and thought….um no, I believe I’m good with my ability to commit to something, if that quarter mile block has anything to say about it.

If I have anything I have a “wrong one-phobia”. just sayin’.

*wink*

us.

Parenting this crew is the most challenging assignment I’ve ever been given!

You see each face there? They couldn’t be more different from each other if I tried.

The age difference between Dakota and the others is significant and that makes for an interesting dynamic.

I have some here who are tough as nails and some who crumble more easily.

Some who WILL NOT break down, and some who I’m desperately trying to keep put together.

Some who are fairly mature for their age and some who enjoy acting 2 (notice no one here is 2!!).

Some who have enough confidence for all of us, others who needs much more.

Some who need a lot of snuggle time, one who has a strict “don’t touch me” policy.

One who thinks girls are hot, the others know nothing of that yet. thankyouJesus!

One who is extremely shy, some who need boundaries with strangers.

There is not a food group that all 4 like and therefore it’s a guarantee that at least someone will be disappointed come dinnertime.

And what’s reasonable for the one is inappropriate for the others.
It’s enough to keep my head spinning and in a constant state of confusion.

But when I look at these kids (and it’s a perfect depiction of some of the dynamics I’m referring to!! Kota and Ramiro have a very different idea of “real funny”), I see the sweet spirits and tender hearts that they each have. And at the end of the day, I just want to protect that!

My children, like so many others, have had to overcome some pretty big obstacles the past several years, and I know it’s taken its toll. They each feel the gapping hole in our family picture so differently, but nevertheless, deeply. However, I am so proud of them and honored to be chosen for this journey, even if I don’t know which end is up most days!

Morning Glory

The glory of the Lord
~His goodness~
is the "living water"
in the midst of the drought.

Oh let me meet Him at the well,
where the source of His goodness overflows-
it quenches every thirst...
and is new every morning!

the same kind of different

Ramiro & Andre.

Their gene pool and freckles

may be identical....

but that's where their similarities end!

~God knew what He was doing!~

*smile*

A few of my favorite things- from Costco.

My uncle gave me his family card to Costco.

I really should give it back!

I can not get out of that store without some serious

damage to my bank account.

But let me show you what I've found there:

Dark Chocolate Acai berries.

I don't even know how you properly enunciate

"Acai"

with a thingy hanging from the "c".
But never mind HOW you say it....

the point is

one bite

and I was spiritually moved-

I rededicated my life right there in the parking lot of Costco!

thankyouBROOKSIDE

Another favorite:

with this on top:

I could -and do- eat this for b'fast, lunch, and dinner.
(I know, I've been working on "balance" in my life
for the better part of 35 years,
its an uphill battle!)

But the best part of all of this- no one in my house likes
Acai berries, black beans, or chunks
therefore
ITS ALL MINE BABY!!
*score!*

Oh, and last but NOT least....
this last one can not be found at Costco,
but I'd eat her too if I could!!

*DISCLAIMER: None of these company's have paid me for this incredibly informative
and spectacular review-
but if they'd like to,
I'd be happy to send my account info!*

Why I can't eat on game day.

Just in case any of you thought I was over reacting....

Yes that one there....in purple,

the one 2 feet shorter than the other kid....he's mine!

He just so happens to be playing defense at the moment,

he just so happens to be awesomesauce,

and he just so happens to be making an interception

while getting his

head ripped off!

Shouldn't there be a penalty for that?

Way to catch the ball baby when someone's got your head jerked around sideways!!

Are we all clear now why my stomach is in knots on game day??

thanks.for.understanding.

PS-On a lighter note (or NOT, ha)

Maddie saw this picture and pointed out that pregnant people

should not be on the football field.

All I could say was "your right baby, they shouldn't!!"

*ahem*

Collision sport

"Football isn't a contact sport; its a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."

~Vince Lombardi

This is one of the reasons why having 3 boys in football keeps my stomach in knots.

It's also one of the reasons why I can't sit in the stands like other parents;

the years of trauma surgery has ruined me!

Thankfully Andre's wrist was fine!

He made a big sac

(or is it a sack? or maybe its called a tackle?)

that cost him a twisted up wrist.

He recovered fairly quickly and all was well again.

Lord, watch over my boys....

protect them from those half grown kids that eat animals on steroids.

And Lord give me strength to stay calm

when MY BABY'S at the bottom of the pile!

And also, can I put in a request for new weight regulations

for middle school football?

The word collision causes me such anxiety!

Amen.

~PLAY BALL!~

When you want to give up

Yesterday I went running right smack in the middle of the day. It was a risky move being that it was pushing 100 degrees outside and all, but I needed it because I was feeling the frustration levels getting too high. It was one of those "I need to run or else I'm gunna be issuing a bunch of apologies" kinda runs. Nothing had gone wrong per say, but life is busy and sometimes getting 4 children out the door (on time) for anything is such an ordeal. I had already exhausted my deep breathing, my 10 second time out, and my "relax on demand" skills by this point....I knew a good hard run would do the trick.

I did what any respectable and desperate mother would do, I bribed the kids and hightailed it for the door before anyone had the opportunity to negotiate a better deal for themselves! It was successful and I was sweating profusely within minutes!

The first 2 miles were perfect; I felt strong, fast, and focused. I loved every minute of it! Unfortunately, this euphoria came to a screeching halt and within minutes I wasn't feeling this run anymore. I was hot, thirsty, and becoming quickly agitated. I had come to the point where I would need to dig deep to finish. The problem was, right now I don't have a lot "in reserves".

I started pulling out my mantra's I've used over the years. Words that have gotten me through when the going got tough... "Jill, just one foot", "Your stronger than you think", "run like a mother", "girl, don't let that beat you", or here's one of my fav's-"run like you stole something"!

As I was rehearsing my lines, I got thinking about my boys. About the things I've said to them when they are about to play a tough game, and its so hot you can hardly stand to breathe!

(Dakota #16)

About the times when they have had all they can take, yet the coach has just assigned another 50 yard sprint drill at the end of the 2 hour practice. If they can keep going when they have nothing left, so can I. If they can go stand up to guys twice their size and stay strong, I can finish this run.

(Dakota taking down the biggest boy out there!)

Ramiro #12....QB

Andre #16....Center

A perfect combo!

(Ramiro taking one last look at his line!)

Right now my boys are fighting through some grueling hot workouts and the games are even more demanding! My boys have been hit hard, run over, tackled, and yelled at....and yet not a one of them has quit! Now it was my turn, I must prove what I'm made of when I'd rather give up! When I'm exhausted and at the end of my rope, I'm reminded of these pictures...of my 3 boys digging deep and staying strong! And so that's what I did, in honor of my boys, I cranked out a few more miles and finished strong! I am so blessed!

My Anchor

Today I needed the reminder of the post I wrote a while ago.
It's the one about a weed. Remember it? The thistle?

It's the one that reminds me that though I don't particularly feel strong, I am stronger than I think! It's the one that early this morning, while "running away"- reminded me of my root system and I found the courage to begin "running back".

The wind may blow, the heat may burn; but I trust my Anchor!
You can read it HERE.

p.s.- don't worry, I did finish that run back home! haha

ticks and "tonsils"

We've had a few long nights recently, a tick rocked our world.

He brought Madelyn Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever,

which our doctor has seen 2 other times in the past 25 years.
Of course it found us the weekend before school started,

and the night I had a huge research paper due.

Impeccable timing.

Three nights later we had another long night at the hospital,

and in an attempt to protect the rights of a certain 7 year old
I'll not fully disclose his diagnosis

but we can play charades....sounds like:

"tonsil" torsion.

(torsion is the medical term for twisted)

Need another clue?

It's a male specific diagnosis.

need I say more?

Pre-morphine.

Post-morphine.

This school year, due to the sudden medical issues,
we implemented a "staggered enrollment" of our own!
Eventually I did get everyone to school,
all at the same time.
It felt like an act of congress, but it finally happened!!

However, we are continuing to still have issues with attitudes,
therefore we had to implement "staggered first day pictures" as well.
I'm learning to go with the flow.
sorta.

Thankfully, the blisters are healing, fevers are gone
and swollen and twisted "tonsils" are getting better.

And if your wondering about me-
Oh don't worry, I'm fine!
I'm celebrating and running like a crazy girl....
like a mother who's had baby's home for the past 8 years!

I think I'm gunna adjust JUST FINE!

(Brody is wondering about my new workout program...use bicep to set timer, run into place, squat til light flashes, jump at beep,repeat 90 times until you get the shot you like!

It's called "P90DORK" and I'm comfortable with it.

But,he couldn't bare to watch anymore! silly dog)

heart-full

I love watching my children care for each other.

I love the way Andre says,

"Maddie, its your birthday and therefore

you shouldn't have to carry anything today....let me get that for you!"

I love how Dakota tells Maddie how beautiful she is.

I love how the boys (usually) help each other and look out

for one another.

I love how Maddie has 3 brothers who've eached promised her

that she has nothing to worry about at pre-k, cause they will

be there for her if she were to need anything!

They may be a hand-full, but they're also a heart-full!

Reset Run

Last week after kissing each face, hugging each neck, and trying to keep my game face on; they all pulled away. The game face quickly faded and sadness filled my heart like a rushing wave. Thankfully I had several things to do that day and it kept my mind occupied.

But just like trying to distract your child from the shot that's about to hit their skin, eventually the moment comes and the inevitable is felt. When that moment came and the sting hit my heart like a vaccination, I headed out for my reset run. The run in which I transition myself from "Mom on duty" to "Mom off duty". I am always a Mom, but not always in charge.

This time I headed up a route I haven't ran in months....in 4 months to be exact! Not since Sunday, March 6 when I broke my leg while on a 15 mile run. That 15 quickly turned into 10 and couched me for 6 weeks! But I felt ready to run it again and I was looking forward to putting that day 4 months ago, behind me!

This time I ran it with purpose and intention! It was liberating actually! And as I ran up the mountain I was reminded about how wonderful it is to see things come full circle! Breaks will heal. Tears will dry. Kids who have left, will come home. Everything has a season.

At the end of this week, I will run another reset run. This time I must transition my slower pace, my egocentric plans, back to "Mom on duty". And I've got to prepare my heart for 4 children who still struggle to manage the emotions of the switch; going from Dad to Mom. Still trying to process why we can't live in one house, or one state for that matter. It's gut-wrenching to see them at such young ages trying to comprehend adult issues.

But for now, in my the last few days of freedom, I'm enjoying this season and the slower pace. I miss my kids so badly, but I know how things come full circle and I will soon be begging for some peace and quiet! So I'm gunna enjoy it now, while I've got it!

All together

My nest.

My babies,

all represented here in one place.

Look close.

They're ALL there.

Even Baby Jaydan.

It's how my heart sees it as well-

ALL together,

safely nestled,

woven into one.

These are the one's I love the most;

for they've taught me what

love really is.

Madelyn looked at the wall yesterday.

Her comment was perfect,

"I like it when we are all together with Baby Jaydan like that".

I do too baby! I do too!

Watching the fruit

Most days, early in the morning

I can be found in the chair on my front porch

drinking coffee and watching these:

No, they don't change much from day to day

but the lessons in "fruit" will not be lost on me.

Morning after morning I am reminded, as

the Lord gently presses His finger upon my heart,

"though it takes time, watch the fruit".

Fruit won't mislead.
To the degree that there is good fruit, there is health.

We must trust the fruit and we must become students.
We must train our eyes, our hearts, our minds-
to discern the complexities of the tree, the vines, and the fruit.

And the most difficult part of it all-
the evaluation of our own fruit.
Lord, give me the humility to see it as it really is
and the strength to cut off what spoils.

This morning as I sat once again
gazing at the fruit tree,
He gently reminded me
"Jillbaby, boundaries offer protection-
but it won't look great
to those who don't understand."

I layed my head back, took a deep breath, and could taste
the sweetness of pear preserve
in my near future!