The crowded shower

One Sunday (when I lived in Florida) a dear sweet lady in our church, Ms. Prissy, said something to me I will never forget. After hearing the many things that had gone on that morning, just to get 4 kids and myself to church, she chuckled and said "Remember these days Jill, they will fly by so fast and soon you won't be able to remember them being so little...your gunna miss these days".

Though I do not remember specifically the events of that morning, I do remember the general gist of things...I was tired from the kids, frustrated with the kids, agitated at the kids, and had lost my "Sunday voice" while speaking to the kids! And it was only 9:30am. Yes, most definitely I was spent. My response to Ms. Prissy, "I'm just praying your right, that these days do fly by quickly and that I don't remember any of it!"

As I got into the shower this afternoon, (no, we didn't make it to church, big surprise here...the kids are sick) I just wanted to enjoy a few moments to hide behind a shower curtain. While in there, along with Noah and 2 of every living creature... I got thinking about this life of mine. Currently. Today. As it stands right now. Is Ms. Prissy right? Will I miss this?

I mean will I truly miss the need to kick the toys over to the other side of the shower in order to find one small space for my feet? Will I miss the fact that I again have no more shampoo because someone has poured it out while taking their bath...and therefore I am left to use Aveeno body gel on my hair? Or will I miss spending all morning cleaning up yet more mouse poop from under my sink and laundry room...while a trillion questions are asked about "mouse's" and all children wanting to see "mouse's poopie"? Will I ever miss opening up my chapstick and finding some little precious something of a child of mine has taken a bite out of it? And then when I go to use it, the entire thing falls to the floor! I mean, seriously?

Will I miss the 5 spilled bowls of cereal (that had just been poured) this week alone, that Andre insists flipped on its own? Or maybe the number of times I have said "boys please use your inside voices, put your feet on the floor while at the table, no more body slamming, put your clothes in the dirty hamper, this is not funny, and do you think we have a maid that lives here?" Will I miss that? Will I be lonely running alone and wish I had a jogger with a 30+ lb child in it to push? Or how about the stops to run back to get the passy she dropped a few feet back!

Will I find myself missing the hysteria over burping, armpit noises and other bodily sounds that boys seem to come out of the womb knowing how to make? Will I long for washing the car seat cover for the 4,443rd time because "I've got diarrhea coming out...already"? Will I miss having to change poopy diapers on the back of the suburban tailgate while Dakota drills me about the appropriateness of what I'm doing?

Will I miss having my vehicle look like we live in IT, verses the house? I'm wondering also about the toilet. Really? Will I be sad to find that no one urinates on the seat anymore? Will I miss cleaning the floor around the toilets daily and will I want to say yet again,"the hole in the toilet is bigger than your head, this should not be difficult!" Surely not.

Will I miss waking up only to find Ramiro has been up for some time rehanging every ornament on the tree...in rows? Will I ever, ever want to clean toothpaste artwork off the bathroom mirror again? Or maybe scrubbing Madelyn's face again trying to get the ColorStay lipstick off the center of her face (from eyebrows to chin) that she put on 3 days previously, and still looks just as bright as day 1....its good stuff I tell ya!! Will I miss cleaning all that?

Maybe when I've had several years of good sound sleep...maybe then I will miss these days and long for a household again that consists of many small children who need a tremendous amount of guidance...hour after hour, day after day, year after year!

Maybe someday I will miss all this, maybe. Till then, I suppose being exhausted is all part of making family memories. But for today, I just wanted a shower...minus Noah and his crew of "two-sies"!

"army"

One thing my boys have always done is play "army". Fully decked out with whatever camo attire they can find...with no regard to whether it fits (or not), matches or look nice. The purpose is to be army men and to spy on the enemy which has entered their battlefield (aka the yard/woods), and attack if necessary. Over the years, I have been amazed how this game takes on a life of its own and how Dakota manages to train his brothers in appropriate "army" behavior.

The nerf gun here is to be noted...yes, "army" consists of guns that will be used for protection in the event of danger! Also of note, knee pads are extremely important for this troop to wear. They must spend a great deal of time in position on their knees, the fact that they are Elmo skateboard elbow pads is no problem, they work just as well! Often I find that they have rubbed dirt on their faces in order to better disguise themselves, you do know the enemy might detect their light skin and know who they are!!

The boys hide in ditches, trees, and more recently they have built an intricate fort to use as a shelter! They can be found hauling off extra scrap lumber into the woods to use as bridges across the creek (in my front yard) or to give added support to one of their forts!

Dakota of course is commander in chief! If you want to play, you must be willing to take instruction from him and play this his way! There is very little room for compromise and he tolerates only a small amount of disorganization in his army! He calls the shots, when to move and when to attack the enemy...all men in the troop will follow his commands!

This army is well trained, per Dakota's thinking...and therefore they successfully conquer most every battle! This is no bunch of losers here, they are out for the win! They come home exhausted, dirty, wet, stinky, bleeding, clothes torn but proud! They leave the house ready to battle the enemy and they come back hero's!

After they clean up and shower, I get the full run down of the incredible events that took place on the frontlines! The enemy was fierce, their troops were tough and huge...but Dakota and his brothers overcame them all! They persevered and didn't get scared...and as Dakota would tell you, it pays to be fast!!

Stones

The sun rose
a new day began
This one was significant
this one would matter
This day would make all the difference

A woman
caught in sin
brought before the crowd
A crowd that stood ready with their stones
stones of judgement
stones of death

Her sin
per the law
worthy of execution
So the crowd asked,
"Teacher, this woman was caught
in the act of adultery...
the law commands us to stone
such a woman,
what do you say?"

Jesus bent down
took his finger
he began writing in the dirt

The woman
though she stood in the crowd
stood all alone
She must have hung her head
turning it to one side
ashamed
embarrassed
avoiding eye contact
She was afraid
humiliated
guilty

Though she stood
waiting for judgement
I'm sure
she already felt
plenty of that

Can you feel
the lump in her throat?
the sick in her stomach?
the tears that were
about to erupt?
Can you sense that she feared
loosing her composure
while on display?
I can

Time must have felt as if it stopped
every eye burned
every move felt
every murmur
shot like an arrow
through her heart

The questions continued
Jesus stood
saying to the crowd
"If any one of you is without sin,
let him be the first
to throw a stone
at her"

Then again he stooped down
continuing with his finger in the dirt

What was he doing?
Writing?
Drawing?
Unfortunately, we don't know

Yesterday
a thought crossed my mind
and I can't ignore it

Could it be
the very thing
He was etching into the dirt
was a cross?
For He knew
what would come of it

A symbol
Hate at its worst
Love at its best

A cross
meant to kill
meant for darkness
But with Christ
it would become light
That teacher
would give the cross life!

That very moment
that woman
before the crowd
was at her cross

The Bible says
as the crowd heard
what Jesus said-
one at a time
they began to leave

He didn't say
"if you are without THIS sin"
He said
"if you are without sin"
They dropped their stones
turned
and left her alone

I can see her face lift
just slightly
I can feel her heart
begin to rapidly beat again
I know that moment
when a crowd
chooses not to condemn

I've been there with her
that woman
many years ago
No, not the same situation
different circumstances
but I was caught in sin
And so I stood
before a congregation
ashamed
guilty
with a heart heavy
from judgement
With one request
Forgiveness

I know the humiliation
the embarrassment
the shame
I too, hung my head

A wise man said to me
his name, Pastor Ken
"Jill your sin is no different than ours,
we're just able to hide ours, for now"

That moment never erases
never forgotten
And I praise God for it!

I, like this woman
was never hit with a stone
and thankfully
the crowd I stood before
didn't leave

Instead
they stood
to their feet
One by one
they began to clap

It felt like music
a love song that flooded my heart
and held me tight
My behavior
wasn't condoned
but nor
was I being condemned

I was offered a gift
that day
just like this woman
A gift that freed
the captive
A gift that healed
the hurting
Forgiveness
Love at its best

It was an incredible lesson
I'm sure that woman
knows it too
It will change how you look
at the choices of another

And so
my prayer:
may I always choose to leave
the stones on the ground
Leaving the judgement
to the One
without sin!

Father,
I want empty hands
yet a heart
full of forgiveness.

Blind spots

Ok, so I promise this will be over soon...more pictures, less talking!
I promise!
I have some great pics to show and the kids are just growing leaps and bounds!! Oh and that Madelyn of mine...she is just something else...she's everything I dreamed of in a girl, and so much more! Love being her Mommy!!

I know I had mentioned at the end of the last post that I would be on the subject of guarding your hearts. Scratch that. Change of plans. Something else came up that I just thought I should add. Big surprise, I know.

The past several days, I have been pondering the issue of "blind spots". You know that place (in which we all have to some degree) that we just can't see? Things about ourselves that we are blind to. Maybe we just flat out don't want to see them either. But regardless, they are there!

Certainly some of us are just more naive than others, that does cause some blindness, some lack of ability to see things that are staring us in the face. But there is a certain blind spot that I believe can be a result of some unresolved issues (wounds) that leave us vulnerable! Deep hurt can manifest itself in such a way that it can affect most every area of our life...and do so without our ability to see it for what it really is...unresolved emotional baggage! Just change lanes, without a glance back, and shockingly find yourself in a heap of danger!! Been there? Me too!

I can see how relationships are huge when it comes to this. We may have unknowingly allowed ourselves to be in a relationship that in fact was very damaging...maybe even self destructive . I've had to really self evaluate my relationships...is there a theme? A common thread that seems to be familiar? Do we tend to find needy people? Do we seem to BE the needy one and therefore wear out people? Do we gravitate towards healthy, stable people with reasonable boundaries? Or do we find those who quickly set up expectations of us and have little awareness of someone else's feelings? Satan knows these areas of blind weakness and he will put people there in our blind spot to wreck us!

It also occurs to me that we also may find ourselves in someone else's blind spot. We can be blind enough to not see the potential danger of someone else's issues that we most certainly need no part of! These are accidents just waiting to happen! The enemy is all over stuff like this...and its an easy target because we don't see it at first!

If you have spent any time in the Gospels, you know Jesus does a lot of healing...and oddly enough, He is sympathetic to blindness! You will find it over and over again, "Jesus heals the blind"!

Matthew 20:32-34
Jesus stopped and called them (two blind men). "What do you want me to do for you?" he asked. "Lord, we want our sight", they answered. Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed them.

Right now, at this time in my life...I see that we are the blind man! We need to come to a point in which we recognize our blindness so we can ask for healing. Jesus asks "What do you want me to do for you?"...not because He didn't know what the blind man needed. He asked because He wants us to come to the point of seeing that we have needs, weaknesses, and blindness that only He can heal! He wants us humble enough to say "Lord, I want to see".

Jesus' touch is the only source of healing.
He know our blindness is dangerous and self destructive! Jesus will reveal to us the root issues behind our weaknesses...the truths of our blind spots. He wants to restore sight and give healthy vision. And I have found Him to be faithful in that promise!

But don't miss the last sentence, its huge...they received their sight and followed Him! God heals so that we may follow Him.

Our sight is imperative to moving forward, out of the darkness and in the direction of the Light!!
Our Heavenly Father will always be the Light to the blind!!

I have found my way out of a lot of darkness. And it hasn't been easy. I have spent a great deal of time reading, writing and praying. Everything I've asked God to help me understand...He has or He has in very specific ways said "I've got that Jill, don't worry about it". I can hardly type that without the tears emerging...some day I may share some of those, but for now...I want to encourage those of you who find yourself in some tough places...ask God for insight! You need sight before you can have insight!! He is the Wonderful Counselor...trust Him for He has 20/20 vision!!

With ALL my heart

I've pondered this long and hard. I've read books about it, prayed through the truths of it and cried a lot over it. Why my purse with holes (read this if your lost)? Why was my heart in need of healing in the first place? Where did it go wrong?

I've wondered what makes us so vulnerable to an infection that spreads throughout our heart and results in one bad decision after another? What trait in my personality finds me a front row seat on this roller coaster? Again and again. Beth Moore talks about this very thing in her book "Get out of that PIT"...what keeps us jumping from one self destructive pit to another? Pits that hold us hostage; emotionally, physically and spiritually?

Truthfully, I do not understand it all yet. Every one of us has different experiences and situations that factor into those questions. I'm not sure there is a cookie cutter answer here, but I have recently begun to see layers unfold that helps the fog disappear.

For those who may be able to relate to my more recent posts, who personally have felt the same symptoms...my suspicion is that somewhere along the line, some event (or events) occurred that wounded. Something painful took place that left its mark emotionally, and maybe for some physically.

I've discovered a harsh truth about wounds...they don't go away. Unfortunately, the opposite is most likely to occur. If left untreated, wounds grow. Deeper and wider. This area which is left open has great potential for becoming a breading ground for infection. And if we know anything about emotional infections...it is that they are just like bacteria, they spread.

Denial of the situation has not proven to do anything but lengthen the time of healing. I personally know this to be excruciatingly true! The symptoms will surface in one way or another. They are not the kind of thing that will lay dormant forever. And they are sneaky at times. Over the years they seem to show up in different colors, different shapes and sizes.

The trouble here for me was this....I didn't recognize my repeat failures as being connected to wounds that needed healing. I see it now, the undercurrent is there. And by failures, I don't mean a poor grade on a test. I mean wrong, self destructive decisions that are made over and over again...but are disguised by different circumstances. Truthfully, I wouldn't make the exact same mistake twice (well, ok maybe I would!). But typically, they each had some element that felt different. So of course I would have hope that it was going to turn out differently. It never did. The reason being...healing was needed, not a different set of circumstances!!

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you", declares the Lord,"and will bring you back from captivity".

Over time we become so used to this septic (filled with infection) way of feeling/living...that is seems normal and we develop a messed up sense of "normal". My friends, Christ did not say He planned heartache for us. He did not promise us a lifetime of self destruction and insecurity. We were not created for this unhealthy lifestyle, this septic heart that doesn't remember anything but inner turmoil and can never feel full.

As I was laying in bed one night, I felt my Father burn this into my mind...This is NOT A PERSONALITY TRAIT, this is a wound that the enemy has hung his "extended stay" sign on. Stubbornness is a personality trait, a heart that is wounded is not.


The enemy sets up camp in those vulnerable places. He is the one who wants that wound to destroy us. His intention is to keep that thing, that pain festering and wrapping chains around our lives! Captivity! The scissors are in his hands...he's cutting the holes bigger and bigger!

God promised us, as His children, that if we would seek Him with all our heart (holes and all!) that we would find Him! And through that seeking and finding...He would be set free from our own captivity! Ya'll I've just got to tell you what has convicted me over the past many months...most of my life I have sought God half heartedly but expected a whole hearted response!! I'm here to tell you this evening...it hasn't worked well for me!

Over the past 1-2 years, I have begun this incredible journey of seeking and finding. But this time, I seek with the full intention to do so with ALL MY HEART! I promise, it will lead you to freedom in Christ. Freedom in areas you may not even know you were captive to! God does make all things new. I have found Him to be the best seamstress I've ever found! Not to mention that His table is the safest place to open up your heart!!


He is the healer from captivity!!

(next time I will be addressing the "guarding of our hearts" that started this whole thing to begin with!!....whew....thanks for hanging in there with me!!)

Pictures of us

These are random...it takes too long to move them around, sorry!! Here is Madelyn for Halloween! She thought she was something else...and loved being all dittied up!!

Ramiro and I at Madelyn's 2nd birthday party!!

I live on my parents hay field...hay season is a crazy time....its hot, sticky and these weigh 60lb or so a piece!!

This is my yard!! 650 bales of hay!!


Sweet Home Alabama!!

This was just the beginning of fall...a few weeks ago!! This is what surrounds my house...mountains and open land!!

Andre and I at his 5th birthday party...this is my kitchen and things were a mess b/c we were still moving in!

Madleyn at my Granny's pool.

This was the front of my house back before we were able to move in. The little boys were very helpful with leveling out the dirt! I will post a newer picture soon of what it looks like now...big difference!

I will post pics inside the house soon as well!


This is the other end of the hay field, looking back at my house! Hay season means that I will have many trucks, tractors and men in overalls in my driveway and yard...this is country living!!

Dad's toys! And don't you know, I'm gunna learn to drive these baby's...one day!!

Andre at Granny's pool!

Dakota posing with his basketball coach from summer b-ball camp!! Funny though...I went to high school with this guy...now he's teaching my kids!

A purse with holes.

Sometimes I am amazed at my inbox. I have found myself in tears over most of them. Partly in shock that people care to read the blog (especially since there are no pictures right now...still in pursuit of working that issue), but also burdened by the knowledge that most of us struggle with the same set of emotions though we all experience different circumstances. Most of us can relate to hurt, we can relate to bad choices, we can relate to God's calling in our lives, and we can remember times of great growth through painful trials! To those of you who have shared parts of your life with me...please know that I find myself thinking of you often and praying for God's guidance over you. I do not take them lightly.

I have always had a passion for the hurting. I can remember specific events in my childhood and youth that have burdened my heart so deeply that they still to this day stir up emotions in the inner most part of my being. I believe those events have helped to pave the way and lead me to where I am today, a burden for the brokenhearted! Everything from hearing cries for help from a dumpster I walked by, a drunk who tripped and fell on the sidewalk just ahead of me, or a family who waits in the ICU waiting room while their daughter barely clings onto life. They have all had an impact and serve as a reminder that compassion is a tender thing!

As I have pondered over what I would say about this journey of being "under the knife" of God's healing over my heart... I want to say this first: I have not gotten through this yet. I pray that I'm making headway and that I am coming close to truly being set free from some illnesses that have plagued my heart. I can only share what I have experienced (though I do so without details of specific events), and where God has directed my thoughts. Each of us come to Him with a very different set of needs and unique experiences...my prayer is that through sharing where I have been with Him, you will be encouraged to seek Him for yourself! To go before Him with your own heart and lay it down at His table! I do not have great words of wisdom. But I feel led to share what God is doing in my life...and I'm still under the conviction that this is more for my benefit than yours!

I believe that I have come to this time of heart surgery much like a patient who begins to notice symptoms of something that just doesn't seem right. At first, it doesn't seem like much. No big deal, hardly paying it any attention. Later you notice it again. Still no biggie. Strangely there were other times (maybe long periods of time) in which you completely forgot about it...for the symptoms never showed themselves, or that you could recognize at least. Maybe it was a fluke (denial causes blindness!). But then some time later it reappears...maybe just as before or maybe by now it looks very different.

As I look back over the past 10-13 years, I notice this to be my story. I can see the symptoms that were visible back many, many years ago. I notice times that they didn't seem to be as evident...though I'm sure they were there all along. More recently, I came to a point when the symptoms just couldn't be ignored anymore! For me, the breaking moment was a huge crisis in my personal life. It was a time in which the devistation of the crisis caused the floodgates of years of pain and hurt to fly open with great force!! Why these bad choices (over and over again), why these crazy emotions, why tearful outbursts that seemed to have no trigger, why the feeling that my emotional needs were never met, why running to things that self destruct? Why? Here's why.

Haggai 1:5-6
"...give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it."

This verse came to me almost a year ago...and wouldn't you know, our pastor preached on it yesterday!! This verse is where it all began to click for me. I (unknowingly) was searching to fill...only to remain empty. I was hungry for something, I thought it was something the right guy could give. I was thirsty and I found the wrong cup to drink out of. I hid behind many garments (and relationships), still cold inside. Not only was my purse full of holes...so was my heart.

The truth became clear...there was some mending that needed to take place. Strongholds had found their way into my life while I was searching for outside means in which to fill an inside hunger. An unsatisfied soul is a dangerous place and the consequences will tear the thing to shreds! It is true that we can not be sold something if we are satisfied! And when we are not, the FOR SALE sign sits infront of the enemy!!

Hence where I ended up with the heart condition I've talked about earlier! My heart has been bound up with things like insecurities, fears, a roller coaster of sin, emotional needs that no human could fill, hurt, intense anger, ocd, denial, etc. Need I continue?

These were the symptoms. The root issue here was not the guy I was dating, the job I had, the friends I was with (though they weren't helping the situation). These symptoms are ones that scream from a heart that is hurting and in need of the Fathers healing. These symptoms cry out from a soul that needs a deep, personal relationship with the "right guy"...God!!

In the next post I will share specifically what I have come to understand about why heart problems start in the first place. Why are we so vulnerable to it? Did a specific event leave a wound that infected?

I will also share how God has brought some healing in my life and what He is continuing to show me about guarding my heart!!

FYI...It's not really about keeping everyone out. It's more about letting the right things in and keeping the wrong things out!

Under the knife.

Proverbs 4:23
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." NIV

" Keep your heart with all diligence, for out if it spring the issues of life." NKJV

"Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts." The Message

Recently, this verse has been sitting in the front row of my mind...I've tried to ignore it...and it's darn persistent. Reminds me of someone I know very well....ahem.....so I've given in. Here's whats come of it.


If you are like me, maybe you have noticed that heart conditions can be ignored for some time. Maybe from denial, maybe from plain old stubbornness, maybe the symptoms were not loud enough to warrant the attention needed. But eventually, heart conditions (which never heal on their own!) will demand attention and if it flat out doesn't kill us first...we will be faced with a serious moment of decision.

That moment may come at any given time. It may look like a crisis or it may just be a "rude awakening". But let there be no mistake, it will come and it will be intentional. An unhealthy heart will not sit silently forever!

The symptoms? Oh, they are many. Pain, numbness, tightness of chest, irritability, lightheaded or unclear thinking...are a few. But what about...bad attitudes, perpetual bad choices, unforgiveness, sin, pride, defiance, anger, gossip disguised in many different forms, lack of desire for God's word, nonexistent/sporadic prayer life, trouble setting boundaries, etc. Recognize any of those?

What if I added blindness to the list of symptoms of an unhealthy heart? The lack of ability to see things as God would have us. Something that affects how we see but also what we don't see! It's a little less obvious, but its not to be forgotten!! It's a killer!

So do you see yourself here? Anything seem familiar?

It does for me. I know some of these issues well. Very well actually.

The diagnosis: It's a condition of the heart, a heart problem...yes,an unhealthy heart. Maybe for some of us, the damage is significant enough to be called "heart disease". Whatever you might want to call it...its a SICK HEART THAT'S IN NEED OF HEALING!!

I have recently sat before my Master Physician and heard the diagnosis for myself. It's not fun. I didn't like it. I wanted to ask for a second opinion and give my 2 cents worth. He wasn't impressed!

The long and short of it is this...I have a choice to make.
1) Ignore it.
2) Repair it.

My dear friends, after several days of kicking and screaming, I've opted for heart surgery. I want this thing repaired. I am sick and tired of working the same issues, the same sin, the same feelings, and same bad ideas over and over again. I'm tired of being the one hurting and disappointed. I'm ready to get over and heal that thing that keeps this vicious cycle going! And it promises to do just that if its given a band aid instead of healing! I know this one "by heart", I promise!!

So, I surrender to the knife of my Father.
Lord, I'm at your mercy. I lay before you, at your table, just as I am. Hurt, broken, sinful and in need of repair. You are the Master Physician and the healer of our hearts. For you sent your Son to "heal the brokenhearted and to bind up our wounds". Remove that which is damaged. Take what is hindering my growth. Give me wisdom so I may see what is needed in order to be what you created me for. I trust your hand.

I begin this journey "under the knife" because God has burdened my heart to do so. But, I have become increasingly aware of the wide spread heart damage that our society has endured. Our churches have suffered, our youth are in crisis, and our families are falling apart! My suspicion is this: we are all in need of a little heart work! If in doubt, watch the news! So, if you would like to join me in this...please do. As always, I love to hear from you. I will be studying this verse (listed above) as well as others that pertain to guarding our hearts and healing, for I am totally convinced that the guarding of our hearts is just as crucial as the healing! I will continue to share this journey with you here on this blog over the next several weeks, or however long God sees fit. Or course, His timing looks a bit different than mine most times!

There is a battle over your heart! It is real and it is war! The enemy knows that it is the most critical place for attack...for our hearts are the very place where God connects Himself to us!! It is the most real, the most intimate part of who we are! Our hearts should not belong to just whatever and whoever offers to fill it! Our hearts belong to Him...let the surgery begin!!
Healing awaits us!

Finger Prints

I have a notebook, some would maybe call a journal, that I have used throughout this year to write things I couldn't write here...on this blog.

I have recently been looking over the pages, and line by line I have revisited some of the painful parts of this past year. Though they have brought back thoughts that stir up sadness and moments that I can hardly stand to embrace....I have seen something that I've never seen before. But, I see it now. They are there. On each page and ironically right next to the tears that have stained each line... finger prints. Not of my own, but of my Father... the One who promises to carry us when we can not walk. The One who sees us through the toughest parts of our lives. God's presence in my pain and His peace in the midst of gut wrenching decisions is seen all over my notebook. The imprint of His finger...His touch and His hand was at work.

On one particular day (Nov. 7, 2008) I wrote this:
In my isolation, God is revealing the truth of Himself to me. And at the same time, He is softly revealing to me the truth of my own self!

These were tough times and it wasn't pretty...the reality is, I had God all wrong! I had missed it big time. For most of my life, I had thought of God as my "clean up crew". My personal janitor, if you will. The one I would call for when I had a "spill in isle 4"!! Usually that would have resembled something more like a flood than a spill! (ahem)

I remember that day all too well. I sobbed. I confessed. I sobbed some more. I asked for forgiveness. The creator of the universe, the beginning and the end of everything we know...I had appointed as janitor. The one who was needed only when I had made a mess of things. And after He had done His job (in my opinion), I would politely thank Him and go about my business again of running my own life...though I wasn't doing it very well.

How righteous of me. How awful and downright embarrassing! And it still is really. I was ashamed but thankful for His patience. I kinda laugh now when I think of how many times He may have been hitting me over the head with the mop and bucket...trying to get my attention while in isle 4!!

Part of the revealing to me the truth of my own self brought me to many conclusions...one day I wrote this, "I've known how to run to God, but I've not figured out how to live for God". The difference is huge! And I had missed it completely!

In those moments of journaling, God began to rework my thinking. My thinking of who He is, as well as my thinking of who I am. He began to show me things that I never knew I had wrong. He unfolded an idea of a "personal relationship" with Him that I had missed somewhere along the line. He gently handed back the name tag I had put on Him that read "Jill's janitor" and allowed me to rewrite a new one that now reads "Jill's Savior".

I still struggle to get this all figured out! I know I have much to learn about how to live for God on a daily basis. But as I flip through these pages of my journal, I am incredibly humbled that He would be willing to walk this journey with me. I'm thankful that His finger prints were there all along...right there next to each tear as it hit the page! For I can't find a tear stain that doesn't have His finger print covering it! The perfect imprint of a finger that comes from a nail pierced hand!! That, my dear friends, is one awesome Savior!!

The more I seek you

...just listen to it...

The more I seek you...
the more I find you.

The more I find you...
the more I love you!!

Thank you Jesus!

The blank page.

I've stared at this blank page now for far too long.
I've started putting together a few ideas, only to erase them all.
It feels complicated today.



I think I just like the blank page better.
It's fresh. It's clean. Free of clutter.
Empty yet fully available.



I don't know if its possible to post a blank page.
But if I could, I would.
Just for today.



I like the room to think a new thought.
A place to start over.
New life for tired ideas.



Just to give myself space to see blank.
A small break from the past.
And freedom for the future.



Is blank really empty?
Maybe.
Today that feels ok too.



The blank page also feels available.
Available for the ink of my Father's pen.
His hand writing upon my heart.
His words into my life.



So let me stare a little longer at the blank page.
Let me see the open space a minute more.
I want to feel His presence in this moment.
To know the beauty of the blank page.

Restoration

These days one of the questions I get regularly, either from friends back in Florida or from someone I 've met new here in Alabama, is " how are you doing with all this?". And truly I think we are doing well. Have there been a few snags in the process? Most definitely. Are there still moments when this all feels so big and more than I bargained for? Absolutely. But overall, I feel that things have gone reasonably well and though there are still moments of confusion and great sadness, the kids and I are beginning to mesh together well and this new life is feeling more manageable. I feel blessed and can see His touch in many of the details that have fallen into place.


Today, I wanted to share one way in which I am sensing God's presence in my new circumstances. From time to time I become aware that I feel somewhat numb and detached from myself. It's a tad frightening for one like me, but I try to remind myself that feelings are like the wind...you can't always predict them nor can you count on them remaining the same for very long. Then other times out of the clear blue, something hits me deeply, my heart is stirred and I become optimistic that things are beginning to come around. Healing is a process full of ups and downs...good days and really crappy ones. This process may be slow, but I feel as if I am moving in the right direction.

I need to rewind a second and say that early in the beginning stages of my divorce...when the emotions were very high, the pain was bleeding over and fear of the unknown was surrounding me like a thick fog...I remember one morning out on a run in which I was praying over my burdens. At this particular time, I felt like I was living life in a foam pit. You know those? Anyone who has participated in gymnastics knows exactly what I'm referring to. The pit is deep (though your not exactly sure how deep), its wide and it is full of foam blocks that make it a challenging task to move anywhere, let alone to get over to the side! Typically the edge is not far off but as you begin to move you clearly realize the struggle that lies before you. I was quickly becoming consumed with "foam blocks" that kept derailing my progress of forward motion...emotionally and physically.

As I was running/praying this one day, I became aware of how easy it would be to become completely self consumed in my own grief. Crawling up into a ball of my own pain. My own brokenness and my own dispare. It would be somewhat reasonable to build walls around my hurt and shut everyone out, or to jail myself in...however you may look at it! Intense pain does that without our awareness sometimes. If we are not watching for it, it is a sure possibility. It seems our hearts are quick to protect us from further pain, but the reality is it can also be a road block to our healing if we stay hidden behind the hurt too long.

That day my prayer began to sound something like this, "Lord, don't allow my heart to become so withdrawn, so pained and self consumed that I miss the pain of those around me. Give me the ability to feel their pain despite my own. Allow me the strength to give of myself emotionally when my own "giver" is empty. The world is full of hurting people...may I be able to walk along side of them. For you have comforted not for me to be comfortable, but for me to be a comforter!!"

The irony of it all is that I can now see how God is using my pain and brokenness to allow me to see the hurting people around me. It is through my own sadness that I feel the desire to encourage those who are walking a road that seems unbearable. Somehow I sense that it is what He is using to heal my own broken heart and bring joy back into my life. I see now that my pain and sorrow may be the very tool He calls me to use to reflect His hope and joy to others. In return, my own heart will mend...I will find restoration and draw closer to the One who continues to redeem my life!

May this moment never be forgotten.

Once upon a time there was this mother who had many children.

Specifically, her first born was what they now call a "tween"...somewhere between the ages of 10 and 12.

One day recently (ok... well today) that child, a son, was sick from school and though he was not feeling well... it seemed to be a great opportunity for a little one-on-one time. Somehow this mother felt that maybe it would be a good idea to "check in" with her son...to have a revisit of the ole' sex talk. You know nothing major, just an opportunity to find out what all he may be hearing at school, what might need more discussions, maybe a little clarification on some wrong information...etc.

Actually, the older this mother gets (not that she IS old) the less comfortable she feels with calling this topic the "sex talk" and the more she considers calling it "God's plan for pro-creation"!! It's just hard for her to think of her child and sex together in the same conversation.

Anyways, as the story goes...this mother had recently heard some horrific statistics of the number of boys that are being exposed to pornography...and the age in which the average boy is exposed to pornography these days is like 10! Yikes!

So being the good mother that she desires to be...she felt it time to ask a few questions. Find out what he knows and possibly take this opportunity to express what the Lord intended for our lives concerning this subject of "pro-creation".

So there she was this day posing the question...
" Honey, do you know what pornography is?".
Very frankly and simply he says
"yes, I know what what it is".


The mother just about had a stroke! She could not believe that her son was so informed. Where on earth had he gotten exposed to this information? Maybe the statistics where right after all! And more disturbing, why hadn't he come to her over this? They previously had open discussions and this mother thought he most certainly would have wanted to asked her for clarification as he had done many times in the past.


The mother says,
"wow, ok, well what do you know about it?".
Her son calmly responds,
"well Mom, its a kind of science."


"Science?" she says.
"yes Mom, science...you know like as in oceanography and astrology"


This mother was most definitely in need of new clothing!!

And unfortunately her son was now in need of an explanation of what was so funny!


By the time the true definition unfolded, this son's eyes were as big as softballs and he was extremely quiet! Actually, all he might have said was something along the lines of "wow, ya, that was nothing like what I was thinking"!!


After the laughing, crying, and discussions had all subsided...the son hugged his mom and said, "sometimes you crack me up Mom".



May this moment never be forgotten!!

Mulligans

Many years ago I found myself quickly learning to enjoy the game of golf. Usually this sport would have been absolutely of no interest to me. Chasing a small white ball around is not my idea of a fun afternoon!! However, I happened upon a "relationship" with a semi golf pro...and suddenly I was taking crash courses in this silly sport of golf! Soon into this relationship, I became the "beverage cart girl" where he worked and a new world opened up before me! I completely enjoyed my time there at that private golf course in Indy and developed a love for the peacefulness of a golf course! I discovered that there was something besides running that could provide an opportunity to clear my thoughts...the golf course was a beautiful place to spend a quiet afternoon and provided a great place to regroup.

Fast forward to this past summer, just before leaving Florida in June, my church sponsored a golf tournament for the purpose of raising money for their yearly missions trip to Haiti. I was not able to go on the trip but I offered my services once again as the "beverage/candy cart girl"!! The trip down memory lane was fun, but the few hours away from the daily 3 ring circus of my life with 4 kids was an added bonus.

That day they were offering the golfers the opportunity to purchase "mulligans". This is a golf term that simply means a "do over". A chance at another swing without penalty. A means by which you get a second chance and can chalk the first attempt up to a practice swing!!

That day I felt the touch of God's hand pressing against my heart to search deeper. To ponder this gift of a mulligan in my life. Once again, God was using this simple picture, this idea of "do overs", to remind me of His grace and mercy.

In golf and in life, I've made swings that have put me straight down the center of the fairway. Heading in the right direction toward the green. Though these moments have been extremely few, I do know the feeling of a "good swing" every now and again.

More often than not however, I've made the swings that have left me standing at the edge of some pond, horrified as I watched my golf ball quickly sink to the bottom. My life has been full of these moments and I'm somewhat embarrassed to say its been more than a "bucket of balls" worth. Clearly, I have needed "mulligans", if you will, on a daily basis.

The lousy swings in my life have been terribly painful at times. Huge consequences have followed. Heartache and lost dreams may be part of the deal too. Recently, I'm beginning to see that these bad shots have also taught me valuable lessons on refocusing and re-evaluating where things went wrong. They have better prepared me for the next swing and though I may end up waaayyy over par...I stand a better chance to get there eventually! These attempts have helped to grow me up and given me precious lessons that I have needed for my journey in life.

I am absolutely blessed to have a Heavenly Father who understands our need for these "do overs"! I am thankful to know a God who's love is full of mercy, full of grace, and full of FREE mulligans...for I have never bought, deserved or earned the second chances I've been given. Instead, I've just accepted them.

Mulligans have given me hope. And they have given me a chance to discover where things can go right.

Mulligans.
Second chances.
Do overs.
Hope.
They all seem quite simple, and yet nothing short of amazing!!

Tonight

Tonight will be our first night in our new house!

Somehow it all seems as a dream.
Somehow I still wake up surprised to be in "Al-bana, Mamma?", as Madelyn says.
Somehow I am still wondering how this all happened.

As I look at all the boxes, all the laundry baskets that are serving as dressers, and the rooms that still need organizing...I feel faint and usually consider taking a seat to regroup.

But, I'm looking forward to my first cup of coffee on my back deck.
I'm looking forward to each child having their own rooms to sleep in (I'm counting on that ending the "stop talking boys" that we do for 30 minutes every night).
I'm looking forward to Madelyn spending the entire night asleep in her own bed...I want a full nights sleep!!

In the midst of all the moving in...we are planning a party for one sweet little girl who will be turning 2 this next week!! I'm already working on a birthday post for her...so stay tuned for it on Tuesday the 21st!!

I'm in a hurry...trying to get last minute things over to the house from my parents...so I will cut this short but hopefully be back tomorrow to post on our first night!! I'm praying Brody (my 100 lb. Weimeraner) doesn't pace the floors all night!! He's prone to do such things when he's not at home!! And we are discovering that he is NOT fond of wood floors!! He's been FLAT a few too many times!!

Tonight...I have much to do, much to pray over, much to be thankful for!!
But tonight I'm particularly grateful!!

Wide Open Spaces

Yesterday morning, as I sat out on my parents back porch drinking my coffee...overlooking the many acres of thick pasture land, the mountains were full of green trees, the fish pond bubbled ever so peacefully and the sky perfectly framing it all...the kids were running across the yard (playing dart tag, or something) and this post came to me.



"Wide Open Spaces"

The farm has no fences (yet...), everything is wide open here... there are horses and cows with old red barns, gardens blooming with flowers, vegetables waiting to be picked and eaten, mountains to be climbed and trails to be walked, freshly cut hay fields that will soon be baled and sold... the list goes on and on.

I know the phrase "wide open spaces" brings a song to mind. The Dixie Chicks made that so popular. But when I think of "wide open spaces" I often think....as the song goes...."room to make a big mistake"!

It somewhat puts a damper on my excitement over the "wide open spaces" idea. This post isn't about that.

This morning, as I looked over the scenery and watched the kids run with complete freedom...I felt my heart rate drop and my body relax. It is wonderful to see wide open space. To watch a storm come over the mountains and coyotes howling at night. It's wonderful to have room for the kids to play, run, scream and be silly. Open space gives room for new ideas and fresh opportunities. It relaxes the mind and gives the soul a place to soar.

Contrary to the song...in this case...
Wide open spaces will give room for us to start again.
It will give us time for adjusting to a new normal.

Wide open spaces will be what the kids need to work through the emotions.
And I love how it sheds light on things never seen before!

I'm beginning to think that we all need a place that is full of wide open spaces!!

Little by little...

Just checking in again. I wish I had something to say that would be of interest. I don't really.
Wish I had pictures to post...I don't. Can't figure out how to use my docking station here.

You probably wouldn't be interested to hear that Dad is working on electrical things this morning, little by little lights are beginning to work. Or that I shoveled dirt the other day in 98 degree heat, little by little a yard is beginning to appear. Or that the guy finally came to measure for the railings for the front walkway/stairs, little by little we are getting ready for inspection.

I have no new running news. I've only ran outside once! It's too stinkin' hot!! For now, the elliptical machine is doing the job for me!!

Church was an odd experience yesterday. I only took 2 of the kids with me. They did fine.
I sat there confused and empty however. I had just accidentally introduced myself using my previous married name...then said "actually no, I'm just Jill". The guy looked at me with a strange look. I just turned and walked away...I think he was waiting for me to say something else. To make sense of the confusion I just created. But, there wasn't anything else to say. For I am confused myself. Trying to still make sense of things and for heaven sakes....just trying to get my name correct is such a task!!

I don't remember the last time I just sat in the pew on a Sunday morning. The last time I wasn't a part of the music in some form or fashion. I don't remember the last time that I was the new person, where absolutely no one knew my name...except for the "no I'm just Jill" guy that now thinks I'm an idiot!! I don't remember the last time I felt so isolated in a room of almost 600 people.

I suppose this transition will take some time. It will take some patience. And I feel sure it will take some tears.

Little by little I know my heart will settle down.
Little by little my Comforter will comfort.
Little by little my Healer will heal.

Little by little I am reminded that all I must do is "today"...
one little step at a time
one little moment without tears
one little laugh with the kids
Little by little...it feels so much better to see it like that!!

...Hello Bama!!

Wow...I really can't believe I'm here! Can't believe I'm waking up with the roosters. Can't believe how beautiful the mountains are at sun set. Can't believe I'm thrilled to hear the mooing of cows again!

We made it here safely and other than my father's back going out (and barely able to walk), we did great!

I will not have to make another trip...thankfully on Sunday morning we found a pull behind trailer (which I pulled behind the Suburban...yikes!! that was a first) and managed to take most everything that I feared we would have to leave...including the dog!!

So...all is well here! We've unloaded everything and now we are in the process of continuing to work on the house so we can pass inspection and get moved in! Till then we are at my parents house!

My new email address is:
jillybeth@hotmail.com

I will post more later...I just wanted to check in quickly...and hopefully I can get some pics posted on here! I'm using my parents computer which does not have DSL...patience at its best!!

Hope everyone is well and my sincerest thanks to everyone who helped us move!! Couldn't have done it without the help!!

Goodbye Florida...

Soon my computer will be in a box, like everything else I own (minus the kids, ha)!


Soon I will have said every goodbye that can possibly be said.


Soon I will shut my front door here at 515 for the last time.


And soon I (with my parents, a 26 foot truck, 4 kids, 2 additional cars, & my 100 lb Weimer) will pull out of town with some wonderful memories of my time here...actually small update here: the 26 ft. trailer isn't enough...maybe we will have to make 2 trips!! ugh!!


A lot of life has been lived in KH these past 7 years. I've had incredibly fun times and have great stories to tell. And I've had some of my deepest pains here as well. I've cheered and screamed for my kids first ball games. And I've sobbed buckets of tears for the baby I lost. I've been honored to serve in my church in many different ways. And I've learned the tough lessons of giving too much and wearing yourself thin.


But, I've grown to love this town and the people in it. I love the fact that I can walk to almost any place of business, all the schools and parks are around the corner. I love the parades, love the lakes and love the closeness of the families. I'll miss my neighbors (Grace and Gary) like crazy and know their lives will be awfully quiet without my kids running around our 2 houses!


And though this has become home...there is still no place like "home"...and "home" for me has always been Alabama! I will miss the beach sand, but I love the smell of red clay. I've learned to enjoy the Gators (and can somewhat tollerate the orange/blue thing...though it is dangerously close to Auburns!!)...but I love me some Alabama football!!


As I leave, I know the emotions will be just as this post is.


Confusing. Bitter sweet. All over the place.


I hate to leave. But I'm glad to be going.


Thank You to all my friends here who have supported me, loved me and my children. Thank You for allowing me to fail but yet giving me encouragement to grow! Thank You for all the support this past year but yet giving me room to manage my emotions and allowing God to "realine" my thinking!! Thank you for all the good times but yet sticking with me through the recent trials!



As the days are now becoming hours that I have left here...my emotions are beginning to unravel. The tears that I have fairly successfully managed to keep under control are beginning to reach their breaking point!



I will end with this saying I've heard...(but can't tell you where)



"How lucky I AM to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard!!"



Blessing to you my precious friends!!

I love you all...Jill



ps...I will post soon once in Sweet Home Alabama!!

Pictures

The other day we had some of Dakota's friends do a surprise "drop bye" goodbye thing. He was very surprised and they had a good time being silly!! And sweet McKenzie (Dakota has been friends with her since they were 4 yrs old!!) was the only girl!! As always, she handled 8 boys like it was nothing!!

silly boys...so sorry for McKenzie!!

Here's a cute picture of a dear friend of mine...Cathy! We went to a concert the other night and had a blast laughing all night!! I'm thinking we look a little pale here...maybe due to the fact that I had just eaten 2 helpings of OG salad, 4 breadsticks, a full dinner and a huge dessert!! Yummy! I will miss her (and her precious family) and certainly will miss our runs together!! love ya girlie!!

This poor girl and her brothers!!

After 2 days in Orlando with Dakota and his 5th grade safety patrol trip, I'm back home now doing what I do best these days...packing and throwing out!!

And yes, my children are playing in a horse water trough...they love it and it requires no blowing up, so I love it too!!






See?? Can't you tell I'm hard at work??

Just kidding Mom/Dad...I really am getting packed!

This afternoon, I decided to take some pics of the kids (just the little kids, Dakota's pooped) enjoying their "pools...or not so much pools"!

And why a kiddie pool when you can just play in a yucky old rubbermaid? Never mind that its the water that they dunk their dirty feet into before getting into the kiddie pools...so it is FILTHY!! Details.

I thought she was precious anyways!! And don't your toes just need kisses every now and again too? Apparently hers do. I suppose mine do too!

The innocence of children...not a worry in the world!! Besides who is making the biggest splash on Judge Mom's scale of 1-10!! Don't you just love summertime!!??

Watch out...he's ready for kindergarten!!

I am a proud mother today of a very special 5 year old boy! This morning Ramiro graduated 3 years of pre-k and is now ready for Kindergarten!! That's a big YAHOO and a sigh a relief! Some days I wasn't too sure what to make of this crazy child of mine who clearly has his OWN ideas of most everything!!

His teachers and aides have worked very hard the past 3 years to help him get ready to be mainstreamed into a regular class next year!! We are so proud of him...and did you know he was the first in his class to count to 100?? I didn't know that until today.

Ms. Mallory was saying that she was excited to finally have received a hug and kiss from Ramiro (he has a very strong need for "no touching") just this past week!! It only took 3 years, but hey progress is progress!!

Man am I in love with this kid. All his funny faces, quirky ways and ideas! I love them all and I know God has wonderful things in store for him...I'm amazed that he's been given to me!

Congratulations silly goose!! It wasn't always easy...but you did it kiddo!! Your mother is incredibly proud of you!!

Here's his graduation last year from the same class (he didn't really graduate then but they gave the kids awards anyways!!). I explain more there about his class and what remarkable hurdles Ramiro has jumped over to be where he is! He amazes me!!

Little Drummer Boy part 2

Remember this night?



Yes, the night of Dakota's first band concert...the one that didn't go as planned. The night that I truly thought I was coming to the end of my rope...and it was displayed in front of a hundred or so parents who were only wanting to take pictures of their child's concert.


Well, thankfully now that night is only a memory.








Today Dakota had his last band concert of his 5th grade year. It had been rescheduled 2 times due to rain (it was an outside concert) and therefore got put off until this morning! I decided to brave the event one more time with the kids and see if I could manage to bring both little ones (we met Ramiro there). It went well! Very well actually!

btw...Roll Tide Baby!! That's my boy!!
And you do know that it is very cool to continue wearing your Safety Patrol belt throughout the day right? Of course it is...but only if you let the shoulder strap hang from your waist!! Then, and only then are you all over the word "cool"!!


Dakota did great and seemed to have a good time.


Want pictures?

I thought you would, so I took a few!



And look how angelic the 3 little ones are being? I mean, who would have ever thought that they could sit together...side by side on a blanket and not fight, punch, kick and slap their sibling? I was amazed and delighted!!

oh, and Roll Tide here too...gosh, are we noticing a trend here?? We are ready for some Alabama football!! WHOOT WHOOT!!

Dakota...you are so talented, gifted and blessed! And it is my privilege to be your mother! You are going to be a great musician, a great athlete and a wonderful man!
I absolutely adore you!
And your sweet spirit moves the deepest part of me!
You did an awesome job today and Ramiro, Andre, Madelyn and I were thrilled to watch you...and are proud to be your family!!
I love you buddy!!

Did you see your standing ovation this time??

The other side of the painting

For those of you who have sent me comments, either of encouragement or other times wondering how I'm really doing...I want to say thank you. You know who you are, and so do I. I appreciate your willingness to express to me what God is doing in your life and how in some small way, what I share becomes part of your experience with Him. Thank you for sharing your life with me.

For today, I feel I need to share another aspect of my life with you...this journey I'm walking through isn't always as it may seem. There's another side...

I wish I could say that every day I experience God's overwhelming love and feel uplifted by His grace and mercy. I wish I could say that I see God in all things...and that I feel blessed on a daily basis. I wish I could, but I can't.

It is only fair that I be real and not paint a picture that my faith protects me from the harsh realities of life. That my faith is strong on every front and never gets shaken. I do not want to paint a picture that gives the impression that with the Lord, all else will be good. The truth for today is that I'm struggling to put my happy face on. I'm usually very bubbly and upbeat. I wish it were so for today as well, but it's not.

Today, I don't want to hear how good God is. I do know He is...but I just don't want to hear it today. I can't seem to feel the good right now. I don't want to hear about miracles today either. I do know He has done great things...but I wanted a miracle that didn't happen. I don't want to give my burdens to the Lord today either. I'm tired of giving today.

Today I want to know "why". Why did this not work out for me? Why did this all have to fall apart and cause so much hurt and pain? Why didn't all the counseling help? Why do I have to say goodbye and why do I have to start over? Why didn't my Father heal the way I wanted? So all this would just be a bad dream, not reality.

I hesitate to share any of this. It may be judged. It may sound harsh. You may be critical of me. You may question the truth in everything else I've ever said. I suppose it's the chance I take.

I know the right things to say, the right thoughts to have and what to do with disappointments and hurt. I know who to carry all those things to. It's to the Lord. And I will. But for today...I just don't feel like it.

I want to express that I understand the frustration that many of you have spoken to me about. I understand the hurt and pain that life can bring. I understand the disappointment with the Lord's ways. I totally get why faith can be so hard. I know the feeling of "why did you allow this God?". I don't always trust God either. I want to hold on to my own ideas. I want to see my plan work out...you know, Plan A!! Sometimes I like my death grip. I don't want to release and give it up.

And please don't think for a minute that I have answers for all this. I do know who has all the answers, but I just want mine immediately and I want to get a "vote" on a few things, you know?

I will be ok. I will work through these feelings and emotions. I will take them to the Lord! I will come through this season of sadness and eventually will sleep on a dry pillow sheet that isn't stained in tears and mascara.

I just wanted a chance to be brutally honest and open about how hard this all can get sometimes. I know many Christians who seem to forget that the world is hurting, and we must be able to relate to them, to seem real to them. We can't give them a band aid that says "try Jesus" and hope it heals their wounds.

And this morning, I felt the need to share this thought that came to mind: I wouldn't paint a very accurate picture of myself if I only gave you a glimpse of the good days, the front side of the painting, if you will. The side that shows only my journey when my faith is strong. The side that we want looking nice and neat...the side that appears to have its "act together". It's the side that we work very hard to keep pretty, the side we want all to see.

There's the other side of the painting too...the side that we hide from most everyone. We keep it protected back there behind the other and try to keep the focus else where because it exposes the weaknesses and the hurt. Its the side that is vulnerable and raw.

Today, I just felt I needed to expose this other side. The side where faith is hard, trusting seems impossible and disappointments are painful. The side where I do question God and find myself wondering where He is in all of this. It is the side that lacks beautiful colors and honestly isn't very pretty to see, but it would be wrong of me to act like it wasn't there!

Dancing at the coastline.

The sun rose that day in April and there was a sadness that ached through every part of my being. This was the day when all was final and the papers would have their official signatures, marking the end of this chapter in my life. I had packed to be gone for the day, knowing I would be in no shape to handle the demands of home after the events of the morning.


I knew I would need to be alone to run, to process and to let go of whatever else I had a death grip on.


I do not remember the drive to the beach that afternoon, the decision of where to park, or how I changed my clothes. But as I stepped out onto that sand, fully dressed to run its shores...I sensed that every step would be significant, every moment would remain etched in my memory for years to come.


As I ran, I stayed close to the edge...the coastline. As it curved in and out, so did I...I followed it for miles and traced it back again. I was reminded how the coastline changes throughout the day, as the tide comes and goes....at times the water covered the sand with a thick layer of protection. Other parts of the day, as the water pulled back, the sand lay open and exposed. Vulnerable to the heat, the disruption of running footsteps, children digging and birds scurrying around.



Sometimes the intensity of the waves were fierce. Other times they were gentle and softly rolled up to the sand. Back and forth, I watched this exchange all afternoon...through my tears, laughter, sadness, anger, frustration and exhaustion...back and forth the waves moved in and out, rearranging the curves of the shore.


Later, I went to the car to get my camera and my notebook.
Here's what I wrote: I'm not able to take my attention off this shore. As the waves come, they always bring something new to the coastline. And as the water draws back, it takes away too. Back and forth the dance continues, it gives and it takes away. It's all in His plan, I suppose. Molding this shore more to His likeness, closer to His plan.

I had decided many times that afternoon to go ahead and leave. Planning to go back home to be with the kids...but I couldn't. I kept turning back. Back to take one more picture, one more deep breath, one more chance to let my hair blow in the breeze. I just couldn't turn away from the coastline, it had me captivated. As the sun started to set, I turned to capture that moment one more time as well...here's what I saw...



The Cross.

That shoreline was where Jesus met me that day.

The Cross.

It's where my Father and I, His child joined to become one.

The Cross.

The ultimate gift of love.

The Cross.

Where hope is offered.

Where healing can restore.

Where reshaping will occur.

Where protection is a guarantee.

It was where I would begin to see that God will take of me what is not of Him.

He will wash away.

But He will also give, restore and reshape.

He will redeem and rebuild.

It is the Cross that joins the mighty wave and the vulnerable sand!

The coastline.

And it is through the Cross that this dance becomes so captivating!

I just can't turn away from it.